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>From an18359@anon.penet.fi Fri Jan 14 16:38:07 EST 1994 _____________________________________________________________ \ ______ __ __ ______ ______ \ \ \ _ \ \ \ \ \ \ _ \ \ \ ---------------------- \__ \ \ \\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \ ===_ \ This diskmag is \ \/\ \ \ -__] \ \ \ \ \ -_ L \ \ \ underground- please\ \/\ \ \ \ \ \_\ \ \ \\ \ \ ===_ \ be dishonest! \ \/\ \ \__] \_____] \__]\_] \_____] ---------------------- \/\ \ ______ _____ __ __ _____ _____ ___ __ ______ \/\ \ \ _ \ \ _ \ \ \ \ \ \ _ \ \ __\ \ \\ \ \ ] \/\ \ \ \\ \ \ \\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \ ===_ \/\ \ \ -_ L \ \\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \\ \ \ \ \ -_ L \ \ \/\ \ \ \\ \ \ \\ \ \ \___ \ \___ \ \\ \ \ \ \ \\ \ -=== \ \/\ \ \ - ] \ - ] \ ] \ ] \ - ] \ ---\ \ \\ \ \ ] \/\ \ ----- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----- --- -- ----- \/\ -------------------------------------------------------------//\ \////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////\ ------------------------------------------------------------- /---\ I\ I I --I-- I\ I I---- I I * I \ I * I * I * I \ I * I---- \___/ I \I I___ __I__ I \I I____ ------------------------------------------------------- V O L U M E * 1 0 3 ------------------------------------------------------- Released 15th Dec 1993 ================================================================= The opinions expressed by some of the writers are not necessarily those of all the PURE BOLLOCKS editorial team. The individual writers retain their own copyrights. This magazine may be freely spread for non-profit purposes only. We're not to be held responsible for how people use or mis-use the information in this magazine. * NOTE * IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE ODD SWEARWORD, THEN YOU'RE IN A BIT OF TROUBLE HERE, I GUESS! == I---- I---\ --I-- --I-- /---\ I---\ --I-- /---\ I =================== == I--- I I I I I I I---< I I---I I =================== == I____ I___/ __I__ I \___/ I I __I__ I I I____ =================== Hello everybody, and I hope you'll like this issue of PB Online. Well, to be honest I really couldn't care if you like it or not, because I'm doing it anyway,so there! My hair's still wet from earlier this afternoon. I was at a march and rally on a day when the weather was either freezing gusts of wind or rain/sleet/snow! What was the march/rally about that myself and another other couple of thousand people braved the elements to attend? Yes, it's the grants and tutition fees issue again! If you can remember as far back as the editorial to PB Online <101>, then you'll remember that in the budget, Kenneth Clark chopped 10% off the student grant per annum for the next 3 years. (A cut in cash terms of 27.1%, well over a quarter!) Now it appears that there are plans to make students who get the grants pay tutition fees directly, rather than have them payed by the grant authority. Add to this rumours that the grant itself will eventually be axed, and it seems to me that the Tories don't think low-income people like me have a right to higher education! John Major is right- it's "back to basics" for the poor! Very basic basics! [Just had to tell the world about this one!] <Genie!> == /---\ /---\ I\ I --I-- I---- |\ I --I-- I---- I\ I --I-- <--- ======= == I I I I \ I I I--- I \ I I I--- I \ I I ---\ ======= == \___/ \___/ I \I I I____ I \I I I____ I \I I \___/ ======= 01 - WHAT ARE FAST REALLY UP TO? - EGBSS looks at the "anti-piracy" organisation and suggests that there might be more to them than meets the eye! 02 - ISN'T ST FORMAT A LOAD OF CRAP? - EGBSS' forthright views again! 03 - STUDENT MYTHS - Genie gets a little annoyed a this mythical image of what a student is supposed to be like! 04 - NOTICEBOARD JOKES - Why not give it a try? 05 - APPRECIATION OF THE ORB - What were the skies like when you were young? ... "Well, they ran on forever..." etc, etc .... 06 - COMPLETE TRASH FROM NETWORK TRASH CHAPTER 1 - At last the actual story begins! In this episode, our NT heroes begin to suspect that one of the Computing Science servers is not what it seems! END - Where we're at- literally! If you want to contact us, get the ST version of PB Diskmag and/or the ASCII version, then you could do worse than read this bit. == /---\ /I ============================================================= == I I I ============================================================= == \___/ __I__ ============================================================= OK, I expect I'll get slagged off for this, but this is my own opinion! If you've never heard of FAST, they're an "anti-piracy" type group, and ELSPA is the European Lesiure Software Publishing Association. -EGBSS EGB'S SMELLY SOX SAYS.. WHAT ARE FAST -REALLY- UP TO? Most of this article was written on a Mac in Glasgow University Computing Science when I had met up with Genie to see the amazing Computing Science networks. We were talking about FAST and it's methods. Of course I was already sceptical about their "Big Brother" tactics and stuff, but when Genie told me a couple of things he'd heard, I was really annoyed and now I'm typing my views in, so here goes.... When I heard FAST were first launched, I immediately thought: "Oh no, sounds like a crap software industry self-interest group!" and as the years have gone by, I think I've been proved right! Don't believe me? Well, remember one of their first adverts in magazines? Yes, I mean the one with the pirate copy of "See'em, shoot 'em". The pirate copy means "6 months in prison", and the original means "-hours- of pleasure"!!! Now, if they don't even take their -own- games industry seriously, or their consumers seriously, how the fuck do they expect -us- to take them seriously! The other early magazine adverts show how out of touch they are with most normal computer users. Firstly the infamous advert about the software pirate with an examination certficate from the "Northern [!] Examination Board". (Note to readers outside Britain- "Northern" means the North of England, not Scotland!) They had to apologise to the the Northern Examination Board and to readers from the North of England in general for that piece of shit! And who could forget the shite "comic-strip" style adverts? Especially the one where two guys after working out in a gym see an advert for "Software swapping" in their newspaper and conclude that it absolutely -must- be a pirate swapper! They appear to have stopped the shite adverts now, probably because no-one takes them seriously! The obvious reason why lots of people copy software is because it's too expensive. Yes, I know that's a bit obvious, but if it wasn't for the demand, it would just be a small band of crackers who do it for fun. Bob Hay of FAST has responded by saying that a Rolls Royce is expensive, but he wouldn't steal it! Er, yes, dig the groovy analogy Bob! Like, -all- commercial software is Rolls Royce standard!!??! Anyway, to continue this inappropriate analogy, even if you can't go for a Rolls Royce, there's plently of cars that are -less- expensive than that! You don't have so much of a choice in the computer games industry. There's very few budget software, very little that's not a pile of crap anyway. FAST would like to claim that if there was less piracy prices would go down. Well, that is just bullshit. We already have an area where until recently there was no piracy- the games console area. Did you see prices change that much before or after it was discovered you could pirate these games? No, I didn't either. Games prices are actually fixed at a high rate by distributers, who want a bigger cut, as Jeff Minter found out when he tried to do a decent budget game for the ST. Another piece of shit is that piracy is killing the software industry. For example the figue that a programmer only can expect to see his original on only 10% of the computers has got not much to do with piracy- once you sift out the amount of people who wouldn't -want- to buy his software for various reasons, including the fact that it might be a really piece of crappy software! Crap software is killing the software industry. No wonder the ST scene is dying if all the games are jerky platform games programmed by lamers who have just been forced off their Amiga! Talking of Ocean software, the reason why all the busts of the pirate software stalls in the Barras [Glasgow market] started is because apparently some old lady bought a "compact menu" disk which contained a game by Ocean which didn't work, and she then sent it to Ocean and asked for a replacement! Sounds like everyone's informing on piracy, huh! FAST apparently get all the latest menus and cracks they (presumably off busts, because they obviously don't get from any stalls or contacts if they're this uninformed!) they can get to analyse what they can! Has no-one told them it's illegal? The case against the stall where the CD came from collapsed because it was a CD menu with software from different companies, so they would have to each file a charge! There was also similar reasons why the cases against other people were also dropped. However, the software seized was still siezed even though they hadn't been found guilty of anything. Apparently when you are bust, they can take all your stuff, equipment and and software. The police can take all your stuff on suspicion of being a pirate stall. This applies even if you're a PD stall! You can go to the police station and get your hardware back the next morning, but you can't get your software... They'll still be checking it, or at least that's the excuse! [This is a similar tactic to a lot of US "hacker busts".] The method use in the 'big' bust of December 1992 was that a trading standards officer would go up to a stall, ask for a known commerical game, then once ad a copy, he'd be able to bust the place! So he bought pirate software! Arrest the bastard! He's enticing the stallholders to commit a crime! Even PD places are tested like this, and there are rumours that such places are being checked all the time to make sure they only sell PD and shareware! So not only do FAST keep a tab on the pirate stalls, but the PD libraries as well. How nice of them. You'd think that FAST wouldn't be so wary of PD/Shareware. In fact, you might have expected them to encourage it, since more intrest in PD means less intrest in piracy. Aha, but it also means less intrest in commercial software! So it's really no surprise to see FAST raiding a PD library because they contain sample demos! [ie big long samples of records] You'd think that this is really a dispute between sample demo writers and the British Phonographic Industry, and that FAST have nothing to do with non-commercial software, but they got involved.... However, it's more sinister than that. FASTs paymasters, ELSPA (the European Leisure Software Publishers Association) have suddenly come up with a proposed set of guidelines for cover disks on magazines. These mainly cover games appearing on them. They don't want to allow full games appearing even on the disks, even if they are years old and have appeared on budget labels since, or have been written especially for the magazine! This seems bad enough, but there's more.... They want to restrict the number of -PD/Shareware- games on a cover disk to 5!! Now ELSPA, what the fuck gives you the right to control the distribution of PD/shareware??!??! It's not your lookout so fuck right off! I'm sure that if they get away with this, then it'll give them the thin end of the wedge to further control PD and shareware, and get rid of more of the competition. They appear to be wanting to go that way already. Have you noticed how the PD world is being told by 'persons un-named' to clean up their act? Everyone suddenly seems to be going on about the swearing in demos and diskmags. Indeed, Budgie UK appears to have dropped all the diskmags alledgely because of this reason. Adding this to the bust of the PD library, and it seems that quite a lot of people seem to be intent in implying that people in the PD are involved with unsavoury stuff like hacking and piracy, and porno stuff! (The last one coming, surprisingly, from "Public Domain"!) And I suppose the people who work for software companies are totally cut off from this?!?!?! No, in fact quite a lot of demo coders, and even crackers, actually -work- for these same companies! The way that all this hype has suddenly appeared from nowhere makes me suspicious. Are a lot of these stories actually coming from FAST or ELSPA? Don't be too quick to dismiss the idea. We've already reported them fabricating a story for the Daily Record. They already seem to be quite good at not telling the whole truth... *** EGB'S SMELLY SOX *** OTHER OPINIONS ABOUT THE PERFORMANCE OF FAST by FLOWERMAN and GLT of PURE BOLLOCKS EDITORIAL TEAM: Q: What did you think of the 'Big Barras Bust'? GLT - Lies! FLOWERMAN - THE 'BIG BARRAS BUST' WAS A BIT OF A FARCE REALLY. Q: Did you know any of the stalls that got busted? GLT - No! Coz they were fictitious!! FLOWERMAN - ONLY A FEW SMALL STALLS WERE CAUGHT (IF ANY) AND ALL THE LARGER STALL'S WERE ALERTED ABOUT IT WELL IN ADVANCE (THE BARRA'S WERE VIRTUALLY DESERTED ON THE DAY OF THE RAID). Q: What did you think of the false Daily Record Story? [This was a report in a "leading" Scottish daily newspaper that a "bust" of pirate stalls had taken place, when in fact it hadn't! It included "statements" from FAST.] GLT - Pure (and utter) Bollocks!!!. FLOWERMAN - I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE RECORD STORY, BUT THEY WERE PROBABLY TALKING CRAP AS USUAL. (OR THEY WERE BEING PAID BY FAST TO RUN THE STORY!) Q: What do you think of the performance of FAST in general? (eg over the raids on PD place because of sample demos.) GLT - I think they are trying to look as if they are doing something with the money that the TAX-Payers give them!!! (And PD Companies can't exactly hide!!!) FLOWERMAN - FAST ARE JUST TRYING TO LOOK AS IF THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING. THEY HAVEN'T MANAGED TO CATCH MANY OF THE PIRATE OUTLETS IN SCOTLAND, SO THEY'VE TAKEN TO REMOVING SOFTWARE FROM PD OUTLETS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT, AND TO GET PUBLICITY. ANYWAY, I'M NOT AGAINST PIRACY (GAMES PRICE'S ARE FAR TOO HIGH). Q: What do you think of the attempts to control the PD/shareware world? (eg restrictions on PD/shareware games in magazines, and diskmags being dropped by PD libraries because of 'bad language'.) GLT - Pointless. People know what they are buying so why shouldn't they have the choice?? FLOWERMAN - IT'S PRETTY STUPID OF THE LIBRARIES DROPPING THE MAGS BECAUSE OF LANGUAGE ALTHOUGH IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS WHY THIS GREAT MAGAZINE IS NOT BEING DISTRIBUTED BY PD LIBRARIES AT ALL (GREAT!). THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE WE HAVE NO RESTRICTIONS ON WHAT WE SAY OR WRITE ABOUT. *** == /---\ /---\ ============================================================= == I I ___/ ============================================================= == \___/ /____ ============================================================= NOTE - This was done while Andy Hutchinson was editor of ST Format. He now edits a console magazine! Apparently he was moved because he slagged off PC Format for slagging off the Atari Falcon! == EGB'S SMELLY SOX SAYS: == ISN'T ST FORMAT A LOAD OF CRAP?? So this is the most popular magazine for the ST in Britain. Well so what, the Sun's the most popular newspaper! [Note to readers outside Britain- The Sun's an extremely trashy newspaper, a bit like the National Inquirer!] Most ST users would like to think that they're reading a well-informed mag put together by people who know what they're talking about. In reality they're getting a magazine put together by a former Sinclair User editor with out of date news of what's happening on the actual ST user scene, and even worse, a load of people who like to think they know what they are doing and will not admit otherwise even when they're pretty obviously talking bullshit! EXAMPLE 1 - In the PD review section, Double Doozer by Chaos gets 68%, Things Not to Do gets 91%, but that's not the top score. That's 92%- won by a sample demo of the song 'Kinky Boots'! The reviewer was Andy Hutchinson- now the editor of ST Format. EXAMPLE 2 - As Hutch becomes editor, the PD review team get really up to date with Inner Circle's Decade Demo- released over 18 months before the review. Of course they complain about it being unoriginal! EXAMPLE 3 - A reader asked Roger Pearson, the assembly language 'expert' how fullscreen is done in demos on the ST. [It's usually done using precise timing and flipping about with frequencies.] Roger then said that a good way of making the screen bigger was to do this listing.... Which switched the screen to 60Hz! Not only nothing to do with fullscreen, but completely incompatible with most users with TVs! EXAMPLE 4 - Upon the release of the Falcon, ST Format harbour grave doubts about it's compatibility. They blamed a sound chip error for the fact that most of their ST software crashed on the Falcon- including Cubase 3. Strangely enough. Sound On Sound (A MIDI and home recording magazine) managed to run the same program with no problems in their review of the Falcon over a half a monthe before. Why? Dead easy- the ST Format team had forgotten to put the Falcon in ST Hi-res video mode! But they did manage to put yet another big black mark against the Falcon which it didn't need! EXAMPLE 5 - Talking of big black marks, many might have seen the big spread "Who's got it in for the ST"! In this piece, many including the US Gold chairman in Britain, were able to peddle the usual crap about games not being able to be converted to the ST because the "hardware can't handle it". No-one ever challenges this nonsense, or points out the fact that most chairpersons of games software companies really know fuck all about computers and are advised on such matters by their programmers, who are usually sadcases in their late teens who have coded on little else than Amigas, and don't know the first thing about the STs harware capabilities. EXAMPLE 6 - Hutch printed a letter by a reader who asked what a 'lamer' was, just as an excuse to slag off all demo coders and calling them 'sad anorak wearers' who 'have no social life'. Anyone could tell you this was a load of serious crap! (And a bit rich coming from ST Format!) When Nexxus of TWB sent a letter saying words to that effect, Hutch said Hey, I know what I'm talking about- I've programmed in BASIC, C and assembler!!!! Ha ha! Of course, he didn't say it was on the Sinclair Spectrum! He then said that demo coders 'don't do anything useful'! Well, since it's a hobby Hutch, your point about it being pointless is itself pointless! Anyway, where did you think 4 channel digi music and rasters (both in use in games today) popped up from? Also, many of these people who 'don't do anything useful' are professional programmers!! No- one's saying that there aren't crap unoriginal demo-coders, and those using it as an ego-trip, but these sort of sweeping generalisations are pretty sad! EXAMPLE 7 - Or Spot The Difference. In the PD reviews, we have two demos where the phrase 'wibbly graphics' is used. One gets over 90%, they other under 70%. The difference? One is An Cool's M Demo 3, which is almost completely digi- music, the other is mainly 'manic bleep' chip music! Next competition- spot the ex-Amiga owner! [EXAMPLE 8- Since doing this article we have found out that their "benchtest" of the Falcon published during the autumn of 1992, was actually made up! They never actually got to see the Falcon, and pieced together their feature using a few photographs of the Falcon, and a spec sheet!] ================================================================= OK, so what do we think should be done to improve ST Format? Well, we think one thing is obvious- it should be written and edited by people who have a bit more contact with the grassroots ST users, like for example user groups, who usually have some idea of what they are talking about. There's one good example of this and that's difference between the 'experts' in the readers query pages. One of the people who knows what he is talking about is the STOS correspondant Billy Alan, who some of you might know from his other name Wheee The Fibble. Yes, you guessed it, he's one of Hutch's 'sad anorak wearers'! He also swaps regularly with people like MUG UK and other contacts across Britain. At the other extreme is Roger Peason, the assembler 'expert', who quite obviously doesn't know what he's talking about most of the time, judging from the fact that he keeps referring people to books all the time, thinks fullscreen is 60Hz, and thinks a DBF loop with 4 CLR.Ls is the fastest way to clear the screen! Now stick a decent demo coder in that column and... Having an ear to the ground certainly helps. We've been getting most of the important news before ST Format, and even some stuff it misses out! Now if it can actually hear this news, and then can go and report on it, and actually listen to other people's opinions, then we think it could improve in a big way! *** EGB'S SMELLY SOX *** Other views on ST Format by FLOWERMAN and GLT of PURE BOLLOCKS EDITORIAL TEAM: FLOWERMAN: HO! HO! HO! WHAT A MAGAZINE! THEIR TECHNICAL STAFF REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT (HO! HO!). APART FROM BILLY ALLAN, THEY EMPLOY COMPLETELY HOPELESS LAMERS LIKE ROGER PEARSON AND TONY WAGSTAFF. IN ANSWER TO QUESTIONS, THEY EITHER REFER THE READER TO SEVERAL BOOKS, AVOID THE QUESTION, COPY SOME CRAP CODE FROM SOME BOOK, MAKE UP THEIR OWN CRAP, OR JUST WRITE COMPLETELY WRONG ANSWERS (THE WORST ONE MUST HAVE BEEN WHEN SOMEONE ASKED ROGER PEARSON HOW TO OPEN THE BORDERS. HE TOLD THEM TO SWITCH TO 60HZ! (THAT'S A LAMER)) GLT: I love their 20MHZ sample demo reviews! Their coders also have the fastest overscan routines that I've ever seen!!! (Apparently you only have to stick your computer into 60HZ and, hey presto, full overscan is yours. Ha Ha!). I also love their Falcon Vs. A1200 article, esp. the way that they made the Falcon out to be totally incompatible with the ST (They DIDN'T set the Falcon properly to ST mode!). Apart from all that, I think that compiled STOS is faster than the routines their ASM programmer is trying to teach folk! ( "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" ) *** == /---\ /---\ ============================================================= == I I ---< ============================================================= == \___/ \___/ ============================================================= [ BTW This is a bit British! "Hooray Henries" = youth yuppie types, and "Socialist Workers Party" = a bunch of hard left political hacks who are usually, by a complete coincidence, also "Hooray Henries"! ] WHAT'S ALL THIS 'STUDENT' CRAP THEN? A personal view by GENIE of NETWORK TRASH I'm writing this because I'm a student. So- what image is going through your mind when the word 'student' is mentioned. A pretty confused one, I'd guess... There's two main images of student are either of Hooray Henries a la Oxbridge or sad hairy specimens in strange clothes standing outside a student union holding a bunch of papers shouting 'Socialist Worker!... Get your Socialist Worker!....' No bloody wonder the image of students are pretty confused! Whether you're a student or not, you might have had a student political hack chapping on your door at an election, asking whether you've ever considered voting for their party. And look at how many polticians have law degrees.... Anyway, this all a minority of students. You might not know that from the sort of things you might see in the paper, but most of them are pretty ordinary. The reason why this large fact is overooked is because the small minority can be easily identified as students, while the rest of them could be, well, -ordinary people-! Of course, they actually -are- ordinary people, as are the easily identifiable minority! So next time you see a young politico or someone in strange garb and you think 'Huh! Typical bloody student!', think of how you're you're so sure it's a student and not just a young politico or someone in strange garb! <Genie!> 11/1/93 == /---\ / I ============================================================= == I I ---I- ============================================================= == \___/ I ============================================================= New Reader's Digestive System feature: "Cor blimey, ain't life a barrel o' laughs?" If you want to let everybody on campus know what a wanker you are, then why not sicken them with crappy jokes on noticeboards like the following? Yes, this is a joke notice I put up some time ago. (So it's pretty out of date in some ways!) See what you think.... ====================================== COMPUTING BOOKS FOR SALE! How to conquer your fear of computers. J. Pratt. ?46 Some of my best friends are computers. J. Pratt. ?42 How to read the Financial Times. A. Bore. ?12 Accounting: a most exciting job! Natlays Midloyd. ?102 How computers are used to make nice little patterns in John Menzies. J. Menzies. ?32 How to feel more at ease with computers. J. Pratt. ?43 Computers in accounting: even more exciting than Accounting! Natlays Midloyd. ?102 The Apple: a year in the life of a fruit farmer. John Hippie. 50p (on recycled paper) The art of snazzy computer graphics: an in-depth look at the 12356777tx Texas Instruments AND-gate. John Midwestern. ?56 The Sirius Apricot: a year in the life of a fruit farmer in another solar system. John Hippie. 50p (on recycled paper) Call 0898 *** *** [substitute the most potentially embarrassing chatline/prono- line you can find] and ask for Leslie. Better still, if you know the song 'Where is Leslie?' by The Batchelor Pad, why not sing that as well? It won't give you any preferential treatment, but at least you will have proved that you have enough enough sense and taste to listen to some really crap pseudo 60's record by a completely unknown Edinburgh indie band! <Genie!> == /---\ I---- ============================================================= == I I ----\ ============================================================= == \___/ ____/ ============================================================= AN APPRECIATION OF "THE ORB" ============================ By Mr. Orb ========== To fully appreciate this kind of music one must first understand it's nature. I, myself, used to enjoy Tangerine Dream's music but found them becoming more and more formula based, each piece more or less sounding like the last. This was a shame as at their greatest they created wonderfully atmospheric soundscapes in such LP's as 'Rubycon' or 'White Eagle', in comparison their most recent work 'Rockoon' sounds shallow and clinical (or is my CD player broken?). Enter Alex Paterson who, in association with the KLF's Jimi Caulty created a new style of music: 'Ambient House'. Caulty was the first to release an LP in that style. Similar to the Orb's subsequent Ultraworld album, with it's cover picture of Battersea power station, the KLF paid homage to Pink Floyd with a grazing sheep, a parody to the Floyd's Atom Heart Mother. Alex first bite of fame was as a roadie, humping gear and taking stick from Killing Joke, who included his old school chum Youth, now transformed in the premier re-mixer/producer and responsible for many of the groups more ambitious tracks. On the surface the music seems repetitive, shallow and avoiding any musical composition: The usual well mapped structure of Verse, Chorus, Verse, Middle Eight and Bridge is replaced in their pieces with a much longer narrative flow taking samples from obscure sources; 'B' Movies, Radio Interviews (Little Fluffy Clouds), Space noises, Humpback Whales, and even Hammond organ music (The end of 'The Peel Sessions'). Most notable of The Orb's style of music is that to accommodate the almost free-form musical experimentation tracks are rarely less than 10 minutes long. The single 'Blue Room' which, allegedly, is dedicated to the rumoured ultra- secret extra-terrestrial holding tank at Wright-Patterson Airforce Base in Ohio clocks in at an impressive 40 minutes , and holds the record for longest single. [Just 1 second under the maximum continuous running time for a single as laid down by Gallup regulations. Apparently, it was done as a response to a radio interview with Flowered up, who, upon the release of their 13 minute single "Weekender, were going along the lines of: "blah blah 13 minutes blah blah uncommercial blah blah real music blah blah..." "Weekender" never even got near the charts, whilst "The Blue Room" made the top 10! - <Genie!>] (An interesting aside. The Blue Room CD costs ?4.00 and contains 40 minutes of music, simple math follows that one is paying 10p per minute. My point is, how can record companies justify charging nearly ?15 for Beatles CD's which are even shorter ?) Discography: ============ (Note: This follows my collection of CD's and in no way is a full or complete review) The Orb's Adventures Beyond The Ultraworld. (Double LP) ?17.99 ============================================================== Tracks: CD 1 CD 2 Little Fluffy Clouds Perpetual Dawn Earth (Gaia) Into The Fourth Dimension Supernova At The Edge Of The Outlands Universe Star 6 & 7 8 9 Backside Of The Moon A Huge Evergrowing Brain Spanish Castles In Space That Rules From The Centre Of The Ultraworld Interestingly I bought this LP after hearing an excerpt of 'A Huge Evergrowing Brain That Rules From The Centre Of The Ultraworld'. A text-book example of ambient house: it clocks in at over 20 minutes, takes samples from almost everywhere, and has a repetitive nature that, far from becoming tedious, is incredibly soothing. The album also contains the Track 'Little Fluffy Clouds' which as an introduction to the groups music does it's job very well and introduces the listener to this style of music. The Orb Aubrey Mixes (Orb Remixes Geddit?) ?12.99 =========================================== Tracks Little Fluffy Clouds: Cumulo nimbus mix Backside of the moon: Under water deep space mix Spanish castles in space: Castles in goa mix [It sounds not too unlike Pink Floyd's "Saucerful of Secrets" - <Genie!>] Outlands: Fountains of ellisha mix A huge evergrowing pulsating brain that rules from the centre of the ultraworld: Aubrey mix mk 11 Perpetual dawn: january mix 3 Spanish castles in space: extended youth mix When this CD was released, as a marketing ploy it was to be deleted on the next day. Suffice to say I was extremely pissed when I couldn't find any copies. Several months later in a small Woolworths not only did I find it, but at ?5.99. The Orb Perpetual Dawn (US Import) ?8.99 =================================== Tracks Perpetual Dawn (Solar youth mix) Perpetual Dawn (Solar flare extended) Perpetual Dawn (Ultrabass I) Perpetual Dawn (Ultrabass II) Star 6 & 7 8 9 (Phase II) The orb's very commercial effort to attain chart success in the U.S. The Orb Peel Sessions ?8.99 ===================== Tracks A huge evergrowing pulsating brain that rules from the centre of the ultraworld (loving you) Back side of the moon (tranquility lunar orbit) Into the fourth dimension (essences in starlight) The tracks on this CD consisted the sessions that The Orb recorded for John Peels radio program from 3.12.89 to 2.10.90 [NOTE- As far as we at PBHQ can tell, the version of "A Huge Evergrowing...." is more or less the ORIGINAL version. It was recorded with Jimi Cauty and didn't even have the title when it was first broadcast on Peel's show, and was called something like "'Loving you' Orbital Mix" when it was first repeated- <Genie!>] The Blue Room Cd Set (2 CD's) ?3.99 each ============================= Tracks CD 1 CD 2 Blue Room Blue Room (Radio) Blue Room (Excerpt) Towers Of Dub (Mad Professor Remix) Between this period I was given a tape of 'Coldcut versus the Orb' recorded one wintry October afternoon from Kiss-FM. The Orb's efforts consist of various remixes of UF-ORB tracks (to be included in the UF-Aubrey Mixes?) UF-ORB (or U ?12.99 ====== F ORB) Tracks O.o.b.e U.f.orb Blue Room Towers Of Dub Close Encounters Majestic Sticky End More conventional than the original Ultraworld LP it contains some fantastic music, notably U.f.orb which has a brilliant drum track and bass line. Nominated for a brit award it lost to Annie Lennox's souless 'Diva' LP. Oldfield Versus The Orb: Sentinel ?3.99 ================================= Tracks Sentinel (nobel prize mix) Sentinel (orbular bells) Sentinel (seven inch mix) Following the vapid 'Tubular Bells II' (more of a flop than a follow-up) The Orb got hold of it and produced some cracking remixes. The Orb: Assassin (2 CD Set) ?3.99 each ============================ Tracks CD 1 CD 2 Assassin (The oasis of rhythms mix) Radio 7 U.F.ORB (Bandulu remix) Another live version Chocolate hills of bohol mix At the time of writing this constitutes The Orb's last release. [This was written in February 1993, well before the "Orb Live 93" LP was released, and "Little Fluffy Clouds" was re-released.] In conclusion The Orb represent a taste of the way that conventional music will sound in a thousand years time. I can imagine Han Solo sticking U.F.orb on the Millennium Falcon's DCC or Minidisc player. [FINAL THOUGHT- In January 1989, I taped a very strange piece of house music off the John Peel show. It was just under 5 minutes long, with some guy chanting a mantra over an acid bassline, and a strange sample of some French guys going "Zee Roof! Zee Roof! Ze roof is on fi-errrr!". It was by some beat combo called Mr Orb. I wonder whatever happened to them? - <Genie!>] SOME ORB NEWS - taken from Melody Maker- The Paper That Likes To Say "Suede" ** The Orb's US tour is postponed for the moment because of a legal wrangle between WauMrModo Records and Big Life Records. Apparently WauMrModo thinks it's now independent from major label Big Life records, who have up until now distributed their records, including their main act- guess who? However Big Life don't quite agree on this, so there's a big of a legal tussle going on.... [They've now signed to Island records.] ** There's a major campaign in Stirling University to get The Orb elected as Honarary Presidents of their Student Representative council, and The Orb have agreed to stand. The main points in favour of the candidates from the Ultraworld are, according to the campaign leaflet, that: a) They have a pet sheep called Fluff. b) The "Huge Evergrowing Brain that Rules From The Centre of the Ultraworld" quite obviously is a pointed reference to Stirling university. Methinks this campaign team must be completely Into The Fourth Dimension, but they'll probably win, and anyway I'd rather have The Orb win the position than some tosser like bloody Johnny Ball!!!! [Don't ask!] == /---\ /--- ============================================================= == I I I---\ ============================================================= == \___/ \___/ ============================================================= **************************************************************************** * This file originally appeared in PURE BOLLOCKS #21, by permission of the * * authors. This may be spread, but not published for profit. * **************************************************************************** NOTE - Apart from the members of Network Trash, all the other names (including "real" names) are so-called "made-uppies" ie fictional stuff. Also, though some of the events may be inspired by real-life incidents, they're still fictional made-uppy events here, so there. == Complete Trash from Network Trash == == Chapter 1 == IT WAS AN average normal sort of day at Network Trash. Everyone was slagging each other off, altering each others text files, deleting files while people were working on them, and generally having a wonderful time. "Who the fucks been altering my text file?" blared Satan. "Uh-oh, honour amongst thieves and other antiquated crap." thought Pioufgh. Enough, thought Warlock. "Hey, this is a pretty shite start for my book." "That's because it's not a book, it's a serial." said Genie. "Well, it's a pretty shite start for a serial then." "That's because it's a load of crap." "Then it's a pretty shite start for a load of crap." "There's a good reason for that as well." "That must be pretty shite as well." "When's the fucking story going to start?" shouted Revlis. "All we're getting is this load of shit where we're talking and you're writing the thing down." "Er.. where's the plot gone?" said Torg. "Plot?" said Genie innocently. "Yes, stop wasting space and do something for fucks sake." everybody shouted Satan was concerned. "Are we at the bit yet where we go out on a Saturday night to Chicago Meatpackers to have a drink, then go to Strathclyde Union and have no drinks, then queue outside The Tunnel for an hour, then we're told to fuck off by a couple of bouncers who are lucky to have a braincell between them, and then we go to the Pancake Place, and have the most stodgy meal, thus ending a thoroughly depressing night where a shite time is had by all?" "No." said everybody. "Oh this is a shite story." "Yes, we know, that's because it's crap." "I'm not here." said Captain Salamander. Picturesque country passed by. "Hey what's this picturesque country business?" said Revlis. "You don't see picturesque country out of the fucking Boyd Orr!" "Oh ?l?$Blx.PBc?xc{''-```vvv77789jjw{?{c BB?$PPy&&'''?v==- 'zzzzzzxzzc??t~ Sorry some bastard has deleted this! Just wait till I get my backup ready..... ..... Almost there..... ..... .... "Hey what's this picturesque country business?" said Revlis. "You don't see picturesque country out of the fucking Boyd Orr!" "Oh, I can see it pretty well" said Nun Fucker. "That's because you're pissed." suggested everybody. "Yes, it's funny how you get pissed when you've logged onto the Staffa server..." "Maybe because it's pretty mindnumbingly boring." suggested Torg. "Hey, I haven't got to that bit yet!" shouted Genie. "No, we're getting to the intresting bit now." "Well, I was wanting to hold it back for coming timing." "Fuck comic timing!" shouted Satan. "That should be intresting to watch." thought Pioufgh. "Hey, that's not fair! How come Pioufgh thinks all the time, but never talks? We don't know where he is." "Well, I don't know where the fuck he is at the moment. He never talks anyway." answered Genie. "Just think: he's on the network somewhere..." "Not a very nice thought." observed Revlis. "Talking of which, I wish I could find out who's been mysteriously deleting files." "It looks like a mysterious type of disk error that we haven't come across." "But strangely enough, there seems to be some sort of strange intelligence behind it." "Stop nicking all the significant lines you two. I want to say something important." "Well, what do you think it is then?" "Errrrmmmm..... Ummmmm..... errrrrrrr....." "Hey, fellow satanists, come and look at this! Nun Fuckers found something!" They crowded round the crappy (and unfairly foisted upon anything less than 3rd year students) Mac Plus. "Username: spacetech, password: tardis" said Torg. "Type it in and..." Picturesque country passed by. "Right, Genie, I still don't get it" said Revlis. "Just wait till I tell you that I think it could be a strange time-space travel mechanism." "Oh." There was a long silence, while another few miles of picturesque landscape undulated beneath the Boyd Orr Building. "What, the Boyd Orr flying? Don't make me laugh!" said Nun Fucker. "Actually, it really does appear to be flying." said Torg. Nun Fucker laughed. "You're not supposed to laugh." shouted everybody. "Fuck off." Another pause, and another few miles. "What do you think it is?" "Actually, I think it could be a strange time-space travel mechanism." "Well, the Computing Science department certainly didn't tell us about this one!" observed Torg. "You really think we're..... LOST IN SPACE AND TIME!!!" Everybody gasped in stunned amazement as the flight of the Boyd Orr building continued. "I'm not here either." said The Jynx. <Genie!> 27/11/91 ** STAY TUNED NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT IN THE SAGA! ** == I---- I\ I I---\ ====================================================== == I--- I \ I I I ====================================================== == I____ I \I I___/ ====================================================== If you have an ST system, we recommend you try the original ST binary version of Pure Bollocks! You can obtain it from the following FTP sites: atari.archive.umich.edu in the directory "atari/Magazines/Pb" ftp.uni-kl.de in the directory "pub/atari/magazines" You can also receive a copy by sending an International Reply Coupon plus the relevant amount of disks (1 disk for PB #21, 2 each for PB #22 and PB #23) to PB Magazine, PO box 1083, Glasgow G14 9DG, Scotland, UK. We have compiled ASCII only versions of these, and archived them using ZIP v2.0. Each of these fit onto a single PC format disk. Please state if you want this version. 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