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2010-04-21
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*** SO CLOSE,SO CLOSE AND YET SO FAR ***
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A rummage through the attic of Uncle Elton
An old uncle of mine passed away last Tuesday.It was very sad
really.He`d been a good old boy to us kids and had always regaled us
with tales of his days in show business.He`d had an act in the old
variety theatres where he`d sit with these huge glasses on and play
some of his own compositions.Although it never paid him much,we always
had plenty of nearly fresh vegetables on the table,and as much
scrambled egg as we could eat.He never quite made top of the bill
though,it was a thing that he wanted more than anything in the world
too,to see the name " Elton Jock " up in lights.
He had always fancied himself as a song-writer as much as anything and
must have sent hundreds of songs off to various acts over the years.He
just never managed that elusive hit record.He did come close though,some
of his songs just lacked that little something,that little,indefinative
catch that all the best tunes have.I remember when he wrote " I Belong
To Edinburgh ",so nearly a classic." You Need Hans ",his song about
the German sign writer was another near hit.When I looked at his
manuscripts when he died,I didn`t realise they could have swollen so
much,still,that`s another story.I also had a look at his old music
case,stored up there in his attic,keeping everything listed and in
order in case one of the artistes that he`d sent some song or other
off to maybe remembered him and sent for some material.Ah,the memories.
In 1953 he sent off a composition," How Dutch Is That Moggie In The
Window ",his ditty about the validation of the authenticity of the
kittens from Holland on display in the local pet shop.Never made it.
In 1954 he celebrated Scotland qualifying for the world cup by penning
a lovely ballad about some Scotsmen sitting in a waterfall in Rome
entitled " Three Groins In A Fountain ".1955 saw " See You Later
Agitator ",his tribute to the jailing of a Russian spy.
1956 had a huge effect on Uncle Elton,the advent of Rock`n`Roll.He
made an early try for stardom with his 24 hour Chinese cookery anthem
" Wok Around The Clock ",but offended Harry Belafonte when he
submitted his controversial " Mary`s Boiled Child " as a potential
Christmas number 1 in 1957.1958 was a busy year with firstly his song
about a Scots signalman," Railhouse Jock ",followed with a double "A"
side intended for the Everly brothers " All I Have To Do Is Cream/Claudette.
1959 saw him working on a building site where he penned the haunting " The
Day That The Drains Came "," Smoke Gets In Your Y`s ",and " Stanley
The Knife ".All of which failed miserably.
1960 saw a new decade and new heart for writing." My Old Man`s A Dustbin ",
so nearly broke through,while " Tell Laura I Like Her " just lacked
that little something.1961 he again annoyed the prudish critics with
his romantic " Will You Moan Some Tonight ".
1662 saw the coming of the Beatles but Uncle Elton thought that Cliff
Richard was the star of the future and tried to get him to record his
song for farmers " The Dung Ones ".1963 and he tried to persuade
Cliff`s backing group,The Shadows to record his instrumental " Self
Tapper " without success.
By 1964 he had come to believe that the Beatles were indeed the music
of the future and the amount of material that he submitted to them
warrants it`s own section in this mag at some point.However,he was
also busy in this year with " Gladys All Over "," Needles And Pricks ",
" House Of The Rising Sun And It`s Throbbing As Well ",and his
Birmingham housewives song " Little Red Dooster ".
1965 again saw a food theme in Elton`s work with " Frying In The
Chapel " and " Make It Cheesy On Yourself "." These Boots Are Made For
Booting You Up The Khyber ",was a miss in 1966,along with " You Don`t
Have To Say You`ll Shag Me "." Shoot That Flamingo ",annoyed nature
lovers in the same year,while " The Green Green Grass Of Columbia ",
was thought by many to contain a hidden drugs reference.
By 1967 he thought he`d cracked it with " A Whiter Shade Of Bucket "
but Procol Harum beat him to the punch.1968 saw a tribute to Mama Cass
with " The Mighty Quim ",and 1969 nearly saw a Christam success with
" Two Little Boils ".
1970 saw a regression to his food-fad days with " Voodoo Chile-Con-Carne "
and " Fridge Over Troubled Waters ",while 1971 began a brief
flirtation with the " novelty " records like, " Chirpy Chirpy Cheep
Cheep Bang Pluck ",and " Grandad,Grandad,You`re An Old Twat ".
1972 began with a tradition Scots song about a near miss in battle " A
Grazing Mace " and " Take Me Back Ohm " a tribute to the electronics
industry.1973 saw another backlash from the animal rights league when
he submitted " Tie A Yellow Gibbon To The Old Oak Tree " to Tony
Orlando,and from the British Medical Association with his song about
the haemophiliac street kid " I`m The Bleeder Of The Gang ".
Prostitutes in 1974 claimed that he was attempting to cheapen their
existance with his ballad " Love Me For A Raisin ",and they also
turned against him in 1975 after he recorded " Come Up And See Me,Make
Me Smell ".At the opposite end of the scale he had the nation`s
virgins backing with " Don`t Go Breaking My Hymen ",in 1976,and the
Jewish communities support with " The First Cut Is The Deepest " in
1977.
1978 saw a snub from Rod Stewart when he rejected " If You Want My
Body And You Think I`m Sexy,You Really Need Some Professional Help ",
while " Hit Me With Your Shovel Mick " angered the Irish fraternity in
1979." Ashes To Ashes,Bust Yer Flunky,You Know Major Tom`s A Donkey ",
confused many in 1980,while " It`s My Party And I`ll Puke If I Want To "
seemed to condone heavy drinking in 1981.
" I`ve Been To Paradise But I`ve Never Been To Auchenshoogle ",was too
Scottish for mainstream tastes in 1982,and the tribute to Cyril Smith
" Total Eclipse Of The Sun " in 1983,too political.
By 1984,Elton was nearing the end of his tether and began desperately
to churn out as many songs as possible,often to the detriment of the
quality." Pieces Of Pipe " was turned down by Paul McCartney," I Just
Called To Say Sod Off " by Stevie Wonder,and " 89 Aquamarine Balloons "
again just had that little something missing." You Spin Me Round ( Like
A Stripper`s Tit Tassle Baby ) ",was too near the knuckle in 1985,while
" The Lady In Bed " was thought to be the same in 1986.
His best years were behind him when he recorded his flatulence tribute
" Volume Up The Pump " in 1987,and the rejection of " I Should Be So
Mucky " in 1988,led him to write his final piece " The Only Way Is
Down " in the same year.
The title of his last song was prophetic and he retired from the music
business in 1989,taking up a new career of Eider duck leg-ring polishing.
The songs that made him a legend in his own armchair were destined
never to be heard by the paying public as he was turned down in favour
of others with that little something that he never quite managed to
attain.
Talent,style,musical ability,originality,he never had any of them.But now,
when he`s gone,and I`m alone in his attic,I sometimes play all of his old
recordings,just to remember him as he was to us kids,Old Uncle Elton,
Baldilocks as we called him,Baldilocks and the three hairs.What a guy.
Bob.