Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - ADVANCE - STAR WARS I: THE PHANTOM MENACE - Zen Hur
SPECIAL THANKS THIS WEEKà.
To Jami Bernard, film critic of the New York Daily News, who sent me a kind and complimentary note about MovieJuice! Thanks, Jami. Enjoy Cannes.
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STAR WARS I: THE PHANTOM MENACE - ZEN HUR
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/starwars.htm
May 12, 1999
Repeat after me: It's only a movie...It's only a movie.
Welcome to the gloriously Ewok-free Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace, the second movie about chosen ones this Spring, but the first with computer-animated fart jokes. Damn, computers can do anything. Fasten your seatbelts, kids, it's Obi-Wan Toad's Wild Ride!
A thunderous approval rang out in the theater at the first appearance of everyone's favorite droid, R2D2. Like it or not, we live in a world where R2D2 gets more applause than Elia Kazan. Then again, Elia never fixed a shield generator and R2 never turned tail on the Rebel Alliance or did his best work with Marlon the Hut.
Every story has a beginning and every universe has its Jerry Lewis. Here it's the virtually unintelligible "Jar Jar Binks." Rasta rabbit, funny bunny, one part Chris Tucker and two parts Scooby Doo. Picture Chewbacca with A.D.D. and a gnawing propensity for pig-latin. Silly Binks, Trix are for kids! "Ex-squeeze Me," says Jar Jar Berle, as the Friars Club guffaws uncontrollably. Enter the fifth Teletubby. "Uh-Ohhhhhh!"
Jar Jar Binks? Either some sorry soul at Lucasfilm posed the question: "What would it look like if a migraine headache could walk and talk?" or somebody's serving tainted shitake 'shrooms at the Lucas Ranch commissary. You guys, stop inhaling the hemp mousepads! Don't eat the brown trail mix!
When Jar Jar opened his mouth to speak, my first thought was: "You're kidding. For the whole movie?!" How long can Liam Neeson stand it before he hauls off and slugs this guy? Is this why Bill Gates wanted to limit us all to 640K? "The force is strong with this one," says Liam, "the force of my Jedi fist in his rabbity face, that is. Here's your Scooby Snack!"
Fuzzy wuzzy was a universe. There are five humans in this movie (four of them speaking in monotone - including Queen Amygdala and Mace Ventura) and about a million imaginative psychedelic bad-trip animation hallucinations. It's the "dark side" alright. The Dark Side of the Moon. And Liam is desperately searching out a bag of chips and some dip for epic noshing. "Fear is the path of the dark side," says Master Yoda, "and look how cool that fluorescent poster looks in the black light. Farrah's eyes are following me!"
Check out the crazy wardrobe on the Queen's Banana Republican Guard! Is Natalie Portman Queen of the Streisand Fans? What are these guys fighting, Studio Fifty-War? "Look out for the blasters, boys! It's raining men!"
What's with the frog-faced bad guys? They talk like Martin Short in Father of the Bride. "The Vedding needs to haff da Svans, and da Jedi haff escaped!"
What's with the Tex Avery droids? There's so much animated madcap hilarity I expected to see coyotes dropping anvils on road runners. C3-Tom and R2-Jerry-2, where are you? Too many silly symphonies and merry melodies, if you ask me.
What's with the fresh-faced but classically untrained kids? Is this the best that emotionally unfulfilled and vicarious-living stage mothers can offer nowadays? In this galaxy, the cartoons are better actors than the juveniles.
Young Annakin is the leader of the Huggies Alliance. His job: Escape slavery, save the Universe, and - most importantly - learn to wear big boy underpants. Not necessarily in that order.
Just when we thought we knew everything about the Star Wars universe, we learn about "mitichloreans" - tiny buggers inside every Jedi's cells that speak to you of the force. Equipped with gull-wing doors and familiar as time machines in the Back to the Future series, mitichloreans are "the God within you" baby. Plus they're cool on the road and help you meet chicks.
Now don't get the wrong idea! This new chapter is a fitting introduction to that most epic of mythic space epics. The John Williams score is dynamite, the sound is brilliant, the pictures are richly detailed and ferociously eye-popping, the chariot...er...pod racing sequence is absolutely killer (although it has next to nothing to do with the plot) and the Darth Maul light saber scenes (featuring the Darth Maul Choir) are the most thrilling stuff George has put on film since Suzanne Somers in a white T-Bird (well before her days as a Jedi Thigh-master, I might add).
Don't look for me to dis Mr. Lucas. That guy's a precious natural resource, even if the Criterion DVD of Radioland Murders isn't your cup of tea. And he'll have to sink to Star Wars 65 before he reaches the bottomless lows of crap like The Fifth Element. Although, come to think of it, more jugs jugs and less Jar Jar couldn't hurt, George, if you know what I mean.
I'm not giving anything away to say the end of this movie is vaguely familiar. Just add a Monorail, a Main Street Electrical Parade, and a chorus of droids chiming in on "It's a Small World After All."
All in all, George's toon-town does not disappoint. But don't let your ridiculous expectations (and they are, believe me) get the best of you.
Remember, it's only a movie....It's only a movie.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIEJUICE STAR WARS PARODY TRAILER?
Available now, in glorious postage-stamp sized RealVideo, at:
New this week at MovieJuice.com: I interview Catherine Zeta-Jones and damn if she isn't trying to come on to me! Beware an utter lack of context. Check out the RealAudio interview at:
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/zetajones.htm
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DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 11:52:34 -0600
From: "The Reporter" <gregorys@xmission.com>
Subject: [MV] Movie News - 05/12/99
CANNES, France (AP) - There should be plenty of stars ambling along
the famed boardwalk at Cannes this year. But a few others will be
sorely missed. Namely: Liam Neeson, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
Neither the long-awaited new "Star Wars" movie nor "Eyes Wide Shut,"
Stanley Kubrick's final film, will be on the bill when the 52nd
annual Film Festival kicks into gear on Wednesday. Not for lack of
trying. Festival head Gilles Jacob asked for both films, but was
turned down - a victim, he says, of Hollywood's desire to save its
splashy openings for U.S. shores.
-=> * <=-
LOS ANGELES (AP) - You can buy the toys, hear the music, speculate
about the plot, download the trailer, and starting Wednesday, you can
even buy tickets for "Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace," a
movie premiere still a week away. For fans, distributor 20th Century
Fox and theater operators, the start of advance ticket sales at 3
p.m. EDT Wednesday is an event nearly as big as the movie itself.
Ticket sellers were gearing up for the onslaught by adding staff and
equipment. MovieFone, the company that sells tickets over the
telephone and Internet, boosted its Web capacity to enable 10 times
more people than usual to use the service. The company also increased
its telephone capacity by 30%.
-=> * <=-
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Elizabeth Taylor is planning a comeback. "I'm
feeling better today than I have for years. Charity work and creating
perfumes have been keeping me busy, but the positive reactions I've
received from my recent public activities make me want to get back to
work," the actress said Monday. The 67-year-old Oscar winner for
"Butterfield 8" in 1960 and "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" in 1966
has been beset with health problems, including a broken back last
year and lengthy recuperation from hip surgeries. Taylor has appeared
in a few projects in recent years but has spent much time raising
money and awareness for AIDS causes and launching the fragrances
White Diamonds and Passion.
-=> * <=-
PHILADELPHIA (AP) - Elizabeth Dole took a jab at the entertainment
industry Tuesday, saying TV and movie executives should take into
account the effect of sex and violence on young minds. "The Hollywood
folks have got to realize with their First Amendment rights come
responsibilities in terms of what is presented to our children,
because kids tend to emulate what they see," the Republican
presidential candidate told reporters after a speech to 1,500 people
at the 15th annual Philadelphia Leadership Prayer Breakfast. "There's
far too much violence and casual sex and all the rest today," she
said. Dole's husband, former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole, was a
critic of the entertainment industry during the 1996 campaign.
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------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 15:05:44 -0400
From: Mel Eperthener <bcassidy@usaor.net>
Subject: [MV] Phantom Tickets
I'm trying to keep this spoiler-free for Phantom Menace (unless you
consider the acknowledgement of bad reviews spoilers), but will be
mentioning some of the items from the other SW movies.
First, hats off to Mr Ramsey. As usual, he is irrevelent and somewhat
maddening in his review. Nearly fell off my chair:-)
Second, need I remind everyone that "history is written by the winners".
As many of the members of the online community weren't even born in 1977,
please let me remind you of some facts that came before the legend.
Star Wars did NOT have universal flattering reviews some (many??) of them
were downright negative. As I said before, Lucas didn't even expect the
first film to make any money. It even started off slowly. I do not recall
people waiting for the opening (except for maybe the premiere at Mann's);
they came later, after word of mouth of the masses caused a stirring. So
fear not the negative reviews.
Someone said this movie dragged in spots. Guess what?? So did the other
three. There are parts of Star Wars where I know that I can go make a
bathroom run or get a snack without missing anything cool. Parts of all of
the movies drag, especially after the 200th viewing (easily). Hell, I
think I even dozed off at the theatre, during the Special Edition, at one
point.
These movies are what they are. They are not originals. The dialogue and
acting are not great. They are simple fairy tales, the battle of good vs
evil. Lucas has even admitted as much. But they are wonderful in their
simplicity. They are the mythology of our generation. And for all of
their shortcomings, they are far and away some of the best filmmaking ever,
full stop.
So I will be there, no matter where it is playing (tickets here don't even
go on sale until Tuesday noon), even at $12 a pop. And I WILL enjoy
myself. Negative reviews will not bother me.
Remember, even Shakespeare recieved some bad press in his time.
And I still stand by my prediction: This will be the first film to crack
$1 billion in domestic ticket sales.
Regards,
- --Mel
- --Mel Eperthener
president, Gowanna Multi-media Pty
Please support the endeavour
of a friend and fellow Australian.
Political Corrections by Michael Jaymes Cassidy
http://www.angelfire.com/ma/politicalmusings
____________________________________________
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppell (Kip) Enderby
__________________________
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[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 13:43:46 -0600
From: jkrudy <jkrudy@micron.com>
Subject: RE: [MV] Phantom Tickets
Well said, very well said. To all the "nay-sayers" I say, "Can you do
better?"
James K. Rudy
- -----Original Message-----
From: Mel Eperthener [mailto:bcassidy@usaor.net]
Sent: Wednesday, May 12, 1999 1:06 PM
To: movies@lists.xmission.com
Subject: [MV] Phantom Tickets
I'm trying to keep this spoiler-free for Phantom Menace (unless you
consider the acknowledgement of bad reviews spoilers), but will be
mentioning some of the items from the other SW movies.
First, hats off to Mr Ramsey. As usual, he is irrevelent and somewhat
maddening in his review. Nearly fell off my chair:-)
Second, need I remind everyone that "history is written by the winners".
As many of the members of the online community weren't even born in 1977,
please let me remind you of some facts that came before the legend.
Star Wars did NOT have universal flattering reviews some (many??) of them
were downright negative. As I said before, Lucas didn't even expect the
first film to make any money. It even started off slowly. I do not recall
people waiting for the opening (except for maybe the premiere at Mann's);
they came later, after word of mouth of the masses caused a stirring. So
fear not the negative reviews.
Someone said this movie dragged in spots. Guess what?? So did the other
three. There are parts of Star Wars where I know that I can go make a
bathroom run or get a snack without missing anything cool. Parts of all of
the movies drag, especially after the 200th viewing (easily). Hell, I
think I even dozed off at the theatre, during the Special Edition, at one
point.
These movies are what they are. They are not originals. The dialogue and
acting are not great. They are simple fairy tales, the battle of good vs
evil. Lucas has even admitted as much. But they are wonderful in their
simplicity. They are the mythology of our generation. And for all of
their shortcomings, they are far and away some of the best filmmaking ever,
full stop.
So I will be there, no matter where it is playing (tickets here don't even
go on sale until Tuesday noon), even at $12 a pop. And I WILL enjoy
myself. Negative reviews will not bother me.
Remember, even Shakespeare recieved some bad press in his time.
And I still stand by my prediction: This will be the first film to crack
$1 billion in domestic ticket sales.
Regards,
- --Mel
- --Mel Eperthener
president, Gowanna Multi-media Pty
Please support the endeavour
of a friend and fellow Australian.
Political Corrections by Michael Jaymes Cassidy
http://www.angelfire.com/ma/politicalmusings
____________________________________________
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
- -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppell (Kip) Enderby
__________________________
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[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
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[ movies" (without the quotes) to majordomo@xmission.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 17:10:03 EDT
From: MrMovie008@aol.com
Subject: Re: [MV] Phantom Tickets
I got my self some tickets today. I only had to stand in line for 3 1/2
hours. Which isn't to bad considering some people slept outside of theaters
over night.
Happy ticket sales to everyone,
Mr. Movie
MrMovie008@aol.com
http://place-an-ad.com/MrMovie/
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------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 11:51:21 -0700
From: Oz <oz@filmink-online.com>
Subject: Re: [MV] Phantom Tickets
jkrudy wrote:
>
> Well said, very well said. To all the "nay-sayers" I say, "Can you do
> better?"
Give me that budget, and that cast, and yes. I would do better.
In fact, give me half the budget, a cast of unknowns, and yes. I
would still do better.
Most of us would. At least the muppets in Jedi were real muppets,
not CGI cartoons.
People who say "it might not be great, but it's Star Wars, man" are
like the people who say "The Mummy had no story, acting,
believability... but I enjoyed myself."
People, you can get that kind of feeling watching TV. We should
expect more from movies. We're paying fat money to get in, we should
be given something more than 'light entertainment'.
For mine, just because it's Star Wars doesn't give it license to be
crap, if anything there's a responsibility to the people who live,
breath and eat the stuff, that it should be great.
But then, The Waterboy made millions, as did Rush Hour and The
Mummy... maybe people want sub-standard films after all.
