Thanks for your readership and support over the past twelve months. This has been a great year for MovieJuice! A half-million hits a month - not bad for a site that adds only one or two new pages a week.
Besides being the most read and most despised publication among Hollywood's power elite since the leaflet that passed for the script to Godzilla, we've also received some remarkable acceptance in the film critic community, and we all know how important that is (ha, ha). Believe it or not, I actually vote on awards now! Has Hollywood gone to Hell in a handbasket or what? Now I actually refer to celebrities with the prefix "my good friend" even though I hate their frickin' guts!
1999 is going to be another exciting year. In '98, I moved into RealVideo. In '99, look for live action! (No, not that kind) And don't be surprised if MovieJuice! turns up on a UPN affiliate near you.
I can be surprised, but don't you be.
Happy Holidays. See you in '99.
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STEPMOM - PRETTY OTHER-WOMAN
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
December 23, 1998
So I'm going to the movies to see Julia Roberts in Strip-mom. Imagine my surprise when Strip-mom turns out to be Stepmom! Surprise turns to shock and incredulity when Julia presses those Library of Congress-sized lips against Ed Harris, thus redefining the term "liposuction." There's a liplock with the gravitational force of a small planet, if I've ever seen one! When Julia boards a plane, do those lips count as carry-ons? Or do they have carry-ons of their own?
Why Ed Harris? Isn't that like a body-builder doing finger-presses? Listen, the only way Julia's gonna go for Ed is if there's a Will involved.
Sorry gang. Before Julia goes head-over for Ed, Hell would not only have to freeze over, it would have to be redeveloped into a frozen, arctic luxury condominium, complete with valet parking and an on-site fitness facility and sauna. Then we could call it "Hell on Ice" and keep former Olympic figure skaters like Katarina Witt working, so they don't have to trade their 15 minutes for a Playboy gig or - worse - start acting.
Stepmom is a paean to the broken family - actually, more like a broken record to the broken family. Come to think of it, I'd like to break the record "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" over the karaoke-addicted noggins of costars Julia and Susan Sarandon. Does every prop department file away hair brushes under the label "microphone"? What is this, "Remarriage, the Musical?" Is it true Nathan Lane will replace Ed Harris in the stage version? Are those Willy Wonka's Oompa Loompas in the chorus? Is there an intermission, or can I walk out anytime?
Help! I'm sick! I've been exposed to Strep-mom. I need an antibiotic, or at least an antijulianic or antisusanic.
Hey, doesn't every family have an estate in the woods and a gaggle of horses in the stable? Come to think of it, there's no "stable" in this family, but there's plenty of horse-shit and next to no "wood," if you know what I'm saying. Meanwhile, the only estate is estate of eye-rolling boredom.
This is one of those flicks where kids act like campy Batman villains. We have the nefarious "Notorious ' Dipsy' P.O.U.T.Y." and delinquent young rug-rattler "Teletubby Doggy Dogg." Evil juveniles of the worst sort - both studying acting for the next Old Navy commercial at my expense. "Don't give me any lip," Julia yells at the kids, like she needs any more of that.
The annoying daughter complains while painting that she can't get the trees to look real. Hey, girlfriend, how about using green instead of YELLOW! That'd be a fine chromatically-correct choice, wouldn't it?
I hate to say the writers are out of touch, but the idea that a 12-year-old chick is gonna freak out over Pearl Jam tickets is like a 30-year-old going ga-ga for Peggy Lee ("Gee willikers! It's Peggy Lee and Mel TormΘ - on the same bill!"). This is one 12-year-old with absolutely no friends, folks. Read and learn, Hollywood: DMX, Beasties, Snoop, Master P. - these are closer to the mark, dudes. Make a note of it.
Is it possible to have a family drama where a matriarch isn't sick or dying? Evidently not. You see, there are only a few kinds of gals in the movies. After abundant research, MovieJuice! has developed the following helpful guide to Hollywood gigs for the aspiring actress. Find your category, take a seat, and someone will be right with you:
The Five Stages of Movie Womanhood
1. The Nubile Sex Object a.k.a. "The Gratuitous Vanity Fair Cover" a.k.a. "The Dubba-Dubba-Dubba-U-B" e.g., Neve Campbell, Gretchen Mol, Charlize Theron, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Geller, Denise Richards, Uma Thurman. Newest entry: Check local WB listings
2. The Hopeless Lonely-Heart a.k.a. "The Where's Prince Charming?" e.g., Meg Ryan, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts. Newest entry: Jennifer Aniston
4. The Dying Mom a.k.a. "The Maternal Mortis" e.g., Kathy Bates, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Gena Rowlands (and that's just this year)
5. The Quirky Grandma a.k.a. "The Debbie Reynolds" Okay, Debbie pretty much owns this category. Shirley Maclaine, Anne Bancroft, and Lauren Bacall yield to the master.
And, as Julia would say, "don't give me any lip."
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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------------------------------
Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998 18:33:48 EST
From: FTWeekly00@aol.com
Subject: [MV] Film Threat Weekly : 12-28-98 : Take 53
FILM THREAT WEEKLY
"SPECIAL HOLIDAY REVIEW EDITION"
=============================
Take 53 : December 28th, 1998
=============================
http://www.filmthreat.com
=============================
"You know, whenever you put about 50 artists together in one room, you get a
- -- a really pleasant combination of gossip, paranoia, envy, fear, trembling
hatred, lust and pretense. It's, er, wonderful."
- - Alan Bates comments to Jill Clayburgh from "An Unmarried Woman."
