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Date: Sun, 6 Sep 1998 16:12:40 -0400
From: maillist@moviejuice.com
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! ADVANCE - Week of September 6, 1998
ROUNDERS - J'AI MOL A LA TIT
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
September 6, 1998
Attention, America! They're standing at attention! Only a blind man could stroll by the magazine rack without gaping at the rack on the cover of this month's Vanity Fair: It's Rounders co-star Gretchen Mol's essentially barenaked nipples gaping back. Shouldn't Vanity Fair upgrade to Vanity Extraordinary just this once? Will Utah video stores be editing out this cover along with the nude scenes in Titanic? Don't women in Utah have nipples?
Inside Vanity Bare, literary darling Bret Easton Ellis conducts a Q & A with the nipples voted by their alma mater: "Most Likely to Trade a Peek for Stardom." Here's a revealing excerpt:
Q. It's great to see you. Both of you. What may I call you, exactly? The two, the brave, the proud?
A. Her Highnesses will do.
Q. Both of you seem very excited at your recent coming out. Do you answer to the Bat-signal? Were you beamed with too much radiation during Gretchen's last dental cleaning? Not since giant tarantulas invaded the California coast have I witnessed anything so colossal.
A. Watch it, pal. These Tridents are nuclear-tipped.
Q. Did they call your new picture Rounders because calling it Erecters would be redundant?
A. Look, we're a little traumatized ever since we peered back at Sodom and Gomorrah and excitably transformed into the salt pillar-like monuments we are today. You should see us on Independence Day when we unfurl flags and shoot off rockets....
Don't get me wrong, Gretchen is one hot tamale. But is she talented? Who would know? She gets about three minutes of designated girlfriend screen-time in a role fit only for a pre-star with a nice pair of...credentials. No wonder Janeane Garofalo whines about objectification of women and Meryl Streep can barely find a gig, because damn if it doesn't work! I may be human, but I'm not proud of it.
The ads describe Rounders as a "thriller." The "thrilla in vanilla," maybe. This Poker-mania is insufferable succotash! What do they think this is, "Cards-ageddon"? Not since a dingo ate my baby have I been so befuddled by what sounds like English. Unfortunately for me, I left my Star Trek Commander Data Universal Translator at home. Where are the subtitles? What the hell are they talking about? Is the audience poker-faced or just bewildered?
"If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker," voiceovers 5-Card Stud Matt Damon, starring as "Blonde Matt." And if you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour of this movie, then the audience is the sucker. And I'm calling a spade a spade.
Ever-likable Matt is a cardshark, a law student, and a truck driver. If that sounds like three different movies in one, then you get the problem. Matt needs to reconcile his humdrum existence and ridiculously hot girlfriend with his lifelong passion to play cards. Good going, ace.
Get your Oscar ballots ready, gang. You heard it here first: Ed Norton. Ed's always good, but he's the perfect shining star here - an actor's slot machine jackpot. In real life, Ed is Courtney Love's Hole-puncher. Here, he plays a guy named "Worm" because he aerates the ground and if you cut him in half both ends will live. Or something like that.
Look out for John Malkovich in a Jimmy Walker-style Jordache sweatsuit, with a tris-hokey Russian accent and a beard so overgrown, the rainforest breathes a deep sigh of relief. Noah could stock an ark with the biodiversity living in that facial forestation and, no doubt, have plenty of day-old soup left over for himself. John's a card ringer who plays dirty by hiding aces in his beard, next to scattered debris from his breakfast of Alphabits. One shake of the head, and he's a Scrabble instant winner!
First Snake Eyes, now Rounders. Is this the leading edge of some sort of frightening LaLa-Land trend? Are these dice-heads and cardsharks only the beginning? Just when we thought it was safe to go back to the gameroom, Hollywood has green-lighted a plethora of game-based Thrillers:
- - Lawn Jarts: Wesley Snipes returns in a suburb-friendly sequel to Blade. Only the silver-tipped jarts can kill the vampires, unfortunately they also kill the neighborhood pets.
- - The Badminton Conspiracy: Sean Connery - whose balls are legendary - investigates the stunning dumbing-down of Tennis.
- - Toy Story II: For the first time, Hollywood decides to produce a vast army of Christmas toys representing a movie sequel without bothering even to produce the sequel! Says Disney head Mike Eisner: "Hey, if Dreamworks had done this with Small Soldiers, they'd be better off!"
- - BINGO: Ray Liotta follows up his head-scratching impersonation of Rat Packer Frank Sinatra with an equally incredible impersonation of crooner Bing Crosby. Crosby's heirs threaten to sue, but only if someone can explain to them who Ray Liotta is.
And don't miss Gretchen Mol's follow-up to Rounders, called Erect-er Set.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
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Date: Sun, 06 Sep 1998 16:42:00 -0700
From: Michael Dequina <michael_jordan@geocities.com>
Subject: [MV] The Movie Report#157, 9/6/98
T H E
M O V I E
R E P O R T
#157
SEPTEMBER 6, 1998
=>T H I S W E E K<=
M O V I E S
- -_Rounders_
- -_Knock_Off_
- -_Simon_Birch_
- -_Next_Stop_Wonderland_
V I D E O
- -_Barney's_Great_Adventure--The_Movie_
- -_Primary_Colors_
- -_Titanic_
- -_Wild_Things_
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