Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! ADVANCE: ANTZ - A Life Bugz
Date: 02 Oct 1998 00:08:49 -0400
ANTZ - A LIFE BUGZ
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
October 4, 1998
Let's evaluate the movie-goer's options this weekend:
There's A Night at the Roxbury, that "Fruit of the SNL Loom" short subject writ long. The one with the head-bobber disco twins whose mission in life is to prove unambiguously that one funny late night minute can become a painful, 75 minute Life-o-suction ordeal (actually only 17 minutes long if you don't count the credits - or was that "crud-its"?).
Roxbury brings you special guest slummer Richard Grieco in his fast-aging guise as nightcrawler Bela Lugosi Grieco, a.k.a. "Dracu-leico." Richard demonstrates the high art of grab-ass in a club flick that should be clubbed to death. Damn! These club-tomaniacs should stick to the small screen, where Dance Fever is a short Electric Boogaloo to the medicine cabinet and the Tylenol. Yes, friends, A Night at the Roxbury is forgettable with a capital "F," a small "f" and every "f" in between. F'in right! Hey, SNL: Instead of spawning lame-ass movies, why not spawn a final thirty minutes worth watching?
And then there's Dreamworks' Antz, which is...a movie about ants!
Actually, it's the first of two movies about ants, the second due from Disney later this year (and that doesn't count the animated epic on runner Steve Ant-fontaine, currently in turnaround). I hope the folks at Dreamworks are very proud of themselves. They beat Disney's wonderful Armageddon with the year's first Comet movie, the gloomy Deep Impact. Then Dreamworks announced they will follow up the success of their Comet movie with biopics of Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and the rest of Santa's reindeer several months ahead of Disney's nine-film reindeer saga. "There are only three ideas in all of Hollywood," explains Dreamworks kingpin Jeff Katzenberg, "and I have them first."
In a separate but related story, the makers of There's Something About Mary are being sued by a guy who claims to have created numerous "unique scenes" of cum-based hair gel. "That's my ejaculate, every drop," said inventor Hans Stroker, whose special Salon Selective formula comes in two holds: "Motile" and "Extra Motile."
Oh, back to Antz.
In a world of expressions you never expected to hear, "a Woody Allen cartoon" has to be somewhere near the top - right between "a Jeffrey Daumer Cookbook" and rotund weatherman Al Roker's tell-all, "I'm not Fat, I'm Trans-Fatty Acid!"
Yes, Ants is a movie for kids featuring the Wood-man, whose notorious attraction to kids is more than legendary and less than savory. Woody plays a neurotic ant named "Z," who needs therapy because, well, he's a fucking ant! How would you feel?
"Z" rebels against the conformity of regimented life in Antz-ville. Yes, life for these bugs is more similar than the profiles of filmmakers Michael Bay and John Frankenheimer! Of course, these insects don't exactly look like ants. More like E.T. with a Jennifer Lopez ass. Aren't these the same buggers that once abducted Scully?
Be an individual! Think for yourselves! Don't follow orders your whole life! These are just some of the lessons of Ants, or as these lessons are known by kind-hearted consensus-builder Harvey Weinstein at Miramax: "insidious propaganda."
"Z" and his babe, the ingeniously named Princess Nala - er, Bala - set out on a quest: A search for the mythic oasis of "Insectopia," first documented by Saint Thomas More's book of the same name, and brought to you by the folks at Coke, makers of "Fruitopia," and Universal Studios, home of the new multimedia "Coppola-topia" attraction, where visitors ride a thrilling career rollercoaster through financing and creative ups and downs, winning Oscars, nearly going insane, and casting luckless offspring in high-profile projects before settling down to make wine. Ah, the good life! Hey, forget the E.T. Adventure, let's go on this one again!
Antz features a few good gags delivered by top-notch voices from the likes of Gene Hackman, Sly Stallone, and Sharon "I'm a princess, damn it!" Stone, but despite this and some damn fine animation, the story's as complex as a Bazooka Joe comic.
Not to make a mountain out of a mole-hill, but small wonder I was catching my Z's about 45 minutes in.
My advice on Antz: Cry Uncle.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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Finally, a movie targeted square at the heart of Oprah Book Club members! Step this way, ladies and...ladies. We've saved the best seats in the house for the Barnes and Noble among you. Rise and shine, it's an Amazon.com day! The only Borders are between you and a nice long nap, and those borders are collapsing by the minute - all 180 of them.
Hey Oprah fans: There's enough cooking and chore-tending in this movie to make you feel right at home. So set down those spatulas and sit a spell!
I was very worried about Beloved, right up until I realized here was a movie about ghosts and haunted houses - just in time for Halloween. Right on!
Unfortunately, this flick was so long, my spirit had long since left the building, enjoyed some smokes, played a round of golf, knocked back some brewskis, eaten a leisurely dinner, and slipped back into my body in time for the closing credits. Let's see, should I raise a family or see Beloved? This movie is the Dial soap of "time on your hands." Never have I witnessed so little happening for so long. Was Beloved produced by the same folks who did the presidential testimony video? You know a movie's long when nurses stand by to check the audience for bedsores.
Beloved, of course, is the creation of famous novelist Toni Morrison. This woman was blessed with talent from the start. Just look at the seeds of success sown into her name: "Morrison," as in Jim and Van. "Toni," as in Bennett, Perkins, and - most of all - Tenille. How could she fail?
In case you think I'm a rube...you may be right. Once upon a time, I tried to read the Pulitzer Prize winning book on which this movie was based. I made it about 50 pages deep before I gave up. I just couldn't follow the slave dialect. The same way I couldn't groove on Huck Finn's hick dialect or chirp along with William F. Buckley's lazy Hah-vahd "R's." Then, in a flash of humbling insight, I realized I lack the requisite liberal intellectual credentials - the kind that separate James Joyce from James T. Kirk. C'est la vie!
I must say that the use of Motown oldies in the soundtrack was in particularly poor taste. Not to mention the deplorable product placement for PBS, as in the moment when Danny asks Oprah, "Sethe, aren't y'all listening to Morning Edition? There's a dang fine whimsical yet 'nformative 20-minute feature'on the Appalachian Bagpipe and Beets Fest'val, in its 30th year of beeps and beets."
This movie has "I want Oscar" written all over it. Why not just print "For your consideration" above the title? Oprah's character is listed in the credits as "And the award goes to...." And that credit for "Acceptance speech to be written by..." was really one step too far.
Oscar buzz, shmoscar buzz, there's no way this flick's gonna beat Saving Private Ryan to the winner's podium, but look for some juice in the performers categories. From where I'm sitting (and I've been sitting there for three hours now), these are by far some of the best female performances of the year. Unlike Oprah's overbite, they're flawless. Oprah, her kids, her mom - pure acting dynamite. And I ain't kidding.
Also look for some writing nominations. Anybody who scribes the line: "I want you to touch me on the inside part" deserves some kind of high praise, as far as I'm concerned. Woolly Mammoth lookalike and Ice Age cohabitant Joe Esterhaus wrote a line like this for Showgirls: "Fuck me like the dog that I am, Kyle." Somewhere in these two lines is the difference between Oscar and ostentation.
My favorite part of Beloved is when the Beloved chick first speaks her name in that deep, guttural voice from Hell, one letter at a time. SLOWLY.
"Beeee - Eeeeeee - Lllllllll..."
Okay I can see where this is going.
"Ooooooo - Veeeeeee."
I haven't got all day.
"Eeeeeee."
The suspense is killing me.
"Deeeeee. BELOVED!"
Okay, moving on now.
Before you lecture me, I know the topic here is deadly serious: The story of the terrible effects of slavery on a woman who escapes it but is haunted by its heritage. Little wonder, then, that I've learned this lesson: White people suck. In fact, the only thing that sucks more than white people are 19th century white people. Damn, they suck hard.
Beloved is directed by the way talented Jonathan Demme, who has never seen a panorama he didn't photograph for five minutes too long. Jon is spending too much time on the Discovery Channel, if you ask me. I'll tell you this, Jon is no devotee of "Brevity," the ancient Greek God of pacing. This movie seems to end five times before it actually does.
In case you think otherwise, get this: I love Oprah. She's the realest chick on the tube. Maybe the only real chick on the tube. So save your nasty emails, Oprah fans, for Demme and the editors who should have made another 30 minutes of hard decisions on Beloved.
Catch the 2:30 matinee; you'll be home by sun-up.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - PRACTICAL MAGIC - The Cruci-blah
Date: 18 Oct 1998 15:59:51 -0400 (EDT)
PRACTICAL MAGIC - THE CRUCI-BLAH
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
October 18, 1998
In preparation for Practical Magic, I siphoned my testosterone into a water-tight envelope, placed it in a safe-deposit box, and mailed the key to my attorney along with a copy of my will. So certain was I that this mission defied death. I ventured into the theater and settled into a seat, waiting for a Neutron Bomb of a movie - one that destroys the Y chromosomes while leaving all the X's intact. I stared at the screen in shock, like Charlton Heston on his knees in front of a bombed out Lady Liberty. Damn them all to Hell!!
America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock«, is at it again. In an industry first, Sandra recently was granted a registered trademark on her name. Thus, according to the U.S. Trademark office, a "Sandra Bullock«" is a "young, attractive, desperately lonely, continuously clothed, but otherwise perfect woman, prone to fits of spontaneous lip synching and line dancing to various golden 'good times' oldies." Sandra, in her way, is as consistent as Chucky the Devil Doll, but less apt to carry a spouse. Yes, Sandra's played Sandra more times than Jerry's played Seinfeld.
I love Sandra Bullock movies because all the good times come from spontaneous lip-synching and line dancing rather than nasty challenging and complicated dialogue. That's why spontaneous lip-synching and line dancing have been with us since the earliest days of the legendary Globe Theater, when Shakespeare wrote the immortal lines:
To Be or Not To Be
That is the Question.
Whether 'tis Nobler
to Step Jaunty To and Fro
Whilst humming thy hottest hits
Or to shake thy midsection verily,
Feigning song and simulatith boogie?
Sandra's new crib, Practical Magic, is brought to you by the folks at Warner Bros., the only major studio with "Warn" in the title, as in "Don't say I didn't 'Warn' you." Good old Warner Bros., where "Bros." stands for "B-movies R Our Specialty." And ain't Practical Magic proof enough?
The only thing casting a spell in this movie is Nicole Kidman's impossibly flat little tummy which gyrated so wildly, I was hypnotized - barking and panting, dog-like. Where's "Sensurround" when you really need it? Nicole, who's stripping on the London stage, was contacted by MovieJuice! and had this to say:
"Mark, get the fuck away from me."
Nicole Kidman used "Mark" and "fuck" in the same sentence! Instantly, I discounted Nicole's threats of bodily harm since they were delivered in the cutest Aussie accent I've ever heard. Besides, I knew husband Tom Cruise would be compelled to save me. Somebody, buy this man a cape and some red underwear!
Is it just me, or is Practical Magic a thinly veiled remake of Bewitched? The witchy women include Sandra as "Samantha" and Nicole as "Serena." Featuring Dianne Wiest as "Uncle Arthur" and Stockard Channing as "Esmerelda" (Although if Stockard Channing's a witch, how come she couldn't bring back Paul Newman from the dead in the recent Twilight? Just asking).
There are only a couple of men in this movie, unless you count Stevie Nicks on the soundtrack. Dagwood, Derwood, Dumbwin and every other mortal male is cursed to die or be turned into a lamp, an ashtray, a bedpan, a mirror, a monkey, an elephant, a goat, or Leonardo DaVinci. That pretty much sums up a decade of Bewitched, doesn't it?
Yep, whenever Sandra hears a beetle, it means her husband is gonna die. Similarly, whenever I hear the Beatles, I feel like killing myself. Coincidence? I think not!
"I just want someone to love me," says lonely heart Sandra. Fortunately, Aidan Quinn shows up an hour into this movie to mumble lines like nobody's business. He plays Harry Connick Jr. from Hope Floats. Apparently, Sandra's forgotten all about Harry because she takes to Aidan like Ted Turner to a Brave.
So what did I learn from Practical Magic?
- All men suck, and those who don't suck die
- Good looking lonely chicks find Mr. Right in two hours; it will take you more than a lifetime
- You be Nicole Kidman and I'll be David Cop-a-feel
- Don't feed a ring to a frog
- When Sandra and Nicole share a bed, you can imagine a whole different movie!
- When the dead come back to life, keep Visine handy
- There's a fine line between the PTA and a coven of witches
Practical Magic may be practically entertaining, but close is no cigar.
These trix ain't for us, kids.
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! ADVANCE - PLEASANTVILLE - All Swell that Ends Swell
Date: 20 Oct 1998 18:19:37 -0400 (EDT)
This week MovieJuice! received another two awards: The Editor's Choice award from Snap.com and a Best of the Net award from Techmall.com (which sounds like a very large place where the average person can spend only so much time). As for the hard lobbying for the "Paul Allen, won't you buy us?" awardàwell, that continues.
For homework, kids, you have the following assignment (that is, besides the Fox News Channel's Entertainment show every day with Dana and Bill):
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PLEASANTVILLE - ALL SWELL THAT ENDS SWELL
by Mark Ramsey
http://www.moviejuice.com
October 20, 1998
So movie critic Gene Siskel says Beloved author Toni Morrison had to see Oprah's movie three times to fully appreciate it, but Gene did it in two. Uh, excuse me? Three? Two?
Personally, I believe a movie should be like sex: The first time you experience it it's so fucking awesome, you have to immediately move on to different movies, one after the other, again and again and again until you risk fucking blindness, so you go every day - sometimes all by yourself - but eventually the theater expects that you'll buy lots of expensive meals and commits you to only one screen at a time and you realize you've seen the opening reel over and over and once a month the movies get very hormonal and eventually you wait for video and your job is to program the VCR and soon commercials are an acceptable interruption because you've got your remote and a bag of chips and you look out your window waiting for the kids to visit and they never do and you wonder why you're writing like Bret Easton Ellis.
What the Hell am I talking about?
Stand up and cheer, dear: Pleasantville is the "feel keen" movie of the year!
Gee whiz, this movie is swell! In fact, it's one of the very swellest of 1998! If you miss this flick, you go to your room without supper, mister!
Gosh, while the folks in the Beloved theater are crawling slowly into Act III, you'll be heading home with an ear-to-ear smile and a song in your heart - even if it is Fiona Apple's characteristically morose and funereal Beatles cover. Yes, Fiona, life sucks for young, rich, good-lookin', video-naked chicks like you. Check out Fiona's new double-disc Motown tribute: "My Shrink Heard it on the Grapevine."
Gee, it's Apple Dumpling time on the Silver Screen! Watch for the over-the-top but long overdue cameo from TV Land fave and Mayberry shaky gun icon Don Knotts, whose strangely ill-fitting teeth earned a higher salary than the rest of Don and their own trailer too! All no doubt thanks to dental fixtures superagent O. R. Thadontia over at ICM. O. R., who kept Barbara Stanwyck's choppers in the pink for years, negotiated copious amounts of bottled water and Polident, a trainer, retainer, and dental masseuse, floss flown in daily from France, and - most importantly - a No Oregano clause.
Welcome to Pleasantville, where it's always 1958, life is black and white, and all Hispanics are still living somewhere in the far off land of Hispania. Our millennial modern times, you see, are going to Hell in a linoleum-covered handbasket. So when geeky Tobey Maguire and super-hottie Reese Witherspoon (who's very "spoonable," if you know what I'm saying, in a statutory kind of way) zap into their TV set a la Poltergeist, the "Honey, I'm home" Pleasantvillians are in for world-rocking that makes the Fonz seem like the Beav.
Tobey and Reese's Ozzie and Harriet parents are George and Betty. I swear to you, George is my dad - even down to the name. George wanders into the house utterly discombobulated because the workday's done, Betty's away self-actualizing and/or getting laid, it's 6pm, and dinner's nowhere in sight. He looks as though he might literally starve to death in this strange foreign land of mystery gadgets and secret, hidden places called a "kitchen." Boy oh boy I've seen that scene in real life!
So Reese and Tobey pollute the town, corrupting the safe, predictable, deadly sameness with passion, heart, spontaneity, risk, courage, a bold dash of color, and an unforgettable torpedo bra. Suddenly, nobody knows what's going to happen next. Although everyone wishes it would happen with an R rating, for gosh sakes!
Here we have a movie that will do for reading and library-going what Winona Ryder did for smoking and what New Line's own Mike DeLuca did for exhibitionistic fellationics. Books, you see, are blank in Pleasantville. At least until Tobey and Reese describe the story and the pages magically materialize. Before you can say Gee Willikers, all the kids are doing it - and they're all reading too! Hey girls, if watching Titanic made you want to run out and fall in love only to watch your loved one drown, Pleasantville says why not read about stuff instead? The death toll is so much lighter!
In a town where all the bowlers are named Jack, Jay, John, Jim, and Jeff, the pleasant, unchanging monochrome vibe is turning Technicolor, one person at a time. Heck No! Far worse than a Red Scare, these "coloreds" are threatening a way of life. In a town meeting to protect the status quo, arch-conservative B&W town fathers and mothers are eerily reminiscent of the Republican Congress. Is it just my TV or is morality czar William Bennett actually Black and White in real life? Jeepers!
Pleasantville is the most subversive and viral popular masterpiece of the year. It's a sly flick packed with humanity on a canvas overflowing with Technicolor awakenings. Never heavy-handed, it's about the blissful joy and the terrifying fear of being who you are - of reaching deep down to find the truth inside and letting it blossom in a colorful canopy of rainbow hues. It's what makes us different that makes us human.
As mom Betty learns, you can cover up what you are, but you can never hide it. Everything is in you if you have the guts to look for it, and the way to be anything you want is to be everything you are. If this sounds like Chicken Soup for the Soul, it is. And it sure tastes warm going down.
Finally, a movie where the special effects actually serve the story! Kudos to the great cast, the gang at New Line, and Director/Writer/Producer Gary Ross (who's a triple-threat and a half). This is the best flick since Saving Private Ryan.
Whatever you do, don't miss Pleasantville. Forward march, mister!
Golly, color has never looked so good!
Copyright 1998 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR. If you fucking rip me off, I WILL come after you.
********************
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THIS LIST:
DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL! Just go to http://www.moviejuice.com and follow the directions at the top of the left frame. It's very easy. NOTE: YOUR NAME CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM THE LIST UNLESS YOU UNSUBSCRIBE USING THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU REGISTERED WITH). And don't write me lots of mean-spirited crap. I won't read it.
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IF YOUR LINES AREN'T WRAPPING
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