That's right! I have the same feeling with you! I also laughed at entire movie when I saw it at movie theater. That's really a funny film I have never seen before.
ówów ÑHñU¼░¡∞⌐l½HÑ≤ ówów
>With all the talk about good and bad movies, I'm curious to know what
>everyone thought about it. As of yet, nobody has even put it on their top
>five best/worst lists. I laughed throughout the entire movie. Nothing like
Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - THE BONE COLLECTOR - Dull and Crossbones
Date: 07 Nov 1999 15:11:10 -0500 (EST)
THE BONE COLLECTOR û Dull and Crossbones
by Mark Ramsey
<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/bonecollector.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/bonecollector.htm
November 7, 1999
"The Bone Collector joins Silence of the Lambs and Seven as one of the great thrillers of the decade," reads one of the hyperbolic fluff-architect critical reviews, which goes on to say "it's the best movie I've seen since that useless chunk of my brain was surgically removed. I can't stop drooling over it - in fact, I can't stop drooling!"
The Bone Collector is not a movie for folks with finger phobias, unless we're talking your middle finger, which is the one this movie most deserves.
This flick is the latest chapter in the grisly serial murder genre, but these aren't just murders folks, they're murders bundled with obscure clues. So fiendishly obscure, only one man can decode them: Denzel "Sherlock Homey" Washington.
What's with all these clues? Just kill the suckers and let it be! What is this, the Serial Murder $20,000 Pyramid? Who produced this flick, Dick Clark or Merv Griffin? Is Denzel partnered with Detective Lt. Alex Trebek? Should Angie be turning letters while the victims spin the wheel? I don't know about you, but I'll take Whoopi to block.
Every year, it seems, there's more Son of Seven, and The Bone Collector is this year's contestant, buzzer in hand, ready to answer in the form of a question. Each entry features ever more creative and colorful ways to display dead and decaying bodies, when what we really need are more creative and colorful ways to display Angelina Jolie's body.
Victims in this movie are buried, steamed, filleted, and drowned. By now, we've seen enough of these flicks to see folks dispatched in every way imaginable. What's next? Rumor has it the sequel will toss victims in a bag of Shake-and-Bake and pop them into an oven at 425 degrees for 15 minutes. It's deadly, but healthier than frying.
The Bone Collector is a story adapted from any episode of Batman which featured The Riddler. "Riddle me this, Cop crusader!" You can easily spot the killer, thanks to his green suit stamped with question-marks. Unfortunately, Denzel's a quadriplegic and can't access his Bat-a-rang or do the Bat-dance.
Now I love Angie Jolie, but one look at her in that oversized NYPD boys-in-blue uniform, and I'm expecting a pole and a lap-dance. Angie is the hottest, with that bikini area tattoo and the fullest lips this side of an inner-tube. If this babe were a vacuum she could suck up every member of the NYPD, and I do mean every "member."
Angie has what Denzel calls "a natural instinct for forensics," which, unfortunately, beats her instinct for spotting a decaying, putrid script.
Queen Latifah is "Alfred the Butler," who plays puzzles while Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara move their entire base of operations into Denzel's digs because, I'm guessing, fewer sets allow for a trimmer budget.
Pity Married With Children vet Ed O'Neil, who gets the plum lines like "If you were any more wound up, you'd be a Timex." To which I say, "If only you had express return and a Number One club, you'd be Hertz!"
Invariably and against all natural laws of probability, Denzel and Angie begin to fall in love. If a guy with no arms or legs can get Angelina Jolie, then what's your excuse, pal?
You won't guess who the bad guy is because the identity of the killer is absolutely random. It's as if the cast drew straws on the last day of shooting, and the writers just took it from there. Denzel and Angie didn't get the short straw; they just settled for the short end of the stick.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but lame-ass clones of Seven will not impress me.
As Denzel said to Angie: "To the Batcave, old chum!"
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
WAY TO GO, LIONÆS GATE
LionÆs Gate doesnÆt know a good thing when they have it. Have you seen their TV spot for Kevin SmithÆs upcoming comedy/satire DOGMA?
In two words: It sucks.
For some reason, the Einsteins in the LionÆs Gate marketing department spend their precious 30 seconds summarizing oblique plot-points resulting in a non-compelling mish-mash which is unlikely to help the movieÆs cause.
At no charge to them, I will do what LionÆs Gate rocket scientists find impossible: Motivate you to see this movie. Listen up:
ôFrom the director of æClerksÆ and æChasing AmyÆ: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Janeane Garofalo, George Carlin, Chris Rock, and Alanis Morrisette in a very funny movie: DOGMA.ö
What else do you need to know? Nice work, LionÆs Gate.
********************
BUY ôTHE BLAIR WITCH PROJECTö ON VHS/DVD FROM THE MOVIEJUICE.COM STORE
Everybody else is selling it, why not me?
<a href="http://www.bmvs.com/sites/mramsey1/videos/qsearch.asp?startat=0&keywords=blair+witch&by=title">Buy The Blair Witch Project Here!</a>
Visit http://www.bmvs.com/sites/mramsey1/videos/qsearch.asp?startat=0&keywords=blair+witch&by=title for all the details.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/dogma.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/dogma.htm
November 12, 1999
Celebrate Catholicism: WOW! week at MovieJuice.com with the release of Catholic epic Joan of Arc and Catholic satire DOGMA.
Luc Besson's Joan is the kind of thing you'd expect from a Frenchman who dwells obsessively on cologne and hair care products. Believe me, the only reason this movie should open wide is to say "Ahhhhh."
How can we expect supermodel as supermartyr Milla to draw a crowd when she can't draw her name? Is an off-camera P.A. feeding her letters? "Deux 'L's? Iz dees some cruel treek?"
By the time Dustin Hoffman pops up in a character role, get me the Captain Hook. My Tootsies are out of here.
DOGMA, meanwhile, is the controversial and long-awaited newbie from the director of Clerks and Chasing Amy.
There's scads of outrageously funny stuff in DOGMA which easily makes it worth seeing. But DOGMA is full of muses and seraphims and demons and prophets and scions and more Catholic jargon than you can shake a Eucharist at. Some of the dialogue is so densely foggy, the audience had to land at a different airport and take a bus to the theater.
Watch! As the audience's heads whir and spin in spontaneous stimulus-overload convulsions as the rat-a-tat-tat theology impacts the crowd like so much spiritual shrapnel. What are Matt Damon and Ben Affleck talking about, anyway? And they want to go to New Jersey why?
There's a loophole in Catholic dogma, it seems, that will allow fallen angels Matt and Ben back into Heaven, if not back to Gwyneth's house for high tea. Problem is, it will mean the end of all existence and perhaps even the end of The Real World reruns.
So heroes Linda Fiorentino, Chris Rock, and hilarious stoners Jay and Silent Bob must stop Matt and Ben or face oblivion (which means, Jay, you're not getting laid).
Alan Rickman returns from the cinematic dead to show once again what a brilliant comic actor he is. In contrast, brilliant comic Chris Rock shows he can't act worth a damn. Chris's funny stuff is fierce, but the straight dialogue brings to mind visions of high school theater and SNL cue-cards. Willow, you've met your match!
DOGMA is a modestly budgeted affair with little pretense. Yes, the effects are cheesy and intentionally so. Case and point: The "Shit Demon," who's just seconds away from stomping Japanese doll-houses and kicking Hot Wheels.
You've probably heard by now that Alanis Morrisette plays God. Or at least she was God - until her divine sophomore slump. Who would have guessed the Heavenly Father is such a spaz in concert? Picture Mother Nature clothed by Betsey Johnson. Is this the God of Abraham or the God of Birkenstock and bulk foods? Alanis has the body of Christ all right, and I'm hoping she keeps it to herself.
When satire and religion mix, controversy follows. Witness this recent missive from the Catholic League to Lions Gate, the movie's distributors:
November, 1999
Dear Lions Gate:
Are your Lions guarding the Gates of Hell??
How dare you besmirch the name of Job himself? As we like to say at the Catholic League, "Job is job one." Where do we begin to detail our objections to your movie, DOGMA:
1. The notion of a 13th apostle - and a negroid with an HBO deal at that - is patently offensive.
2. The suggestion that Christ was Black is preposterous - if this were true, he would have been the son of a minstrel, not a carpenter.
3. The idea that God is a woman - let alone one who wears a tutu, gesticulates like a retard, and doesn't sing Country - is likewise repellent. God is a man with a white beard and a flowing robe, like Laurence Olivier in Clash of the Titans. And he has a bad case of toenail fungus, but that's neither here nor there.
4. British actor Alan Rickman plays "the voice of God." Ridiculous! Brits don't go to Heaven, only white people do.
5. You have Ben Affleck and Matt Damon playing angels who are buddies. These are angels - heavenly messengers - not Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon!
Perhaps if you could cast that nice Olivia Newton John in one of your upcoming features, we'll actually see the movie before issuing our objections. Until then, we don't need to feel the flames of Hell to know our everlasting souls can get burned!
Sincerely hoping that President Roosevelt outlaws this picture,
Jack Valenti
President, Catholic League
and Papal Emissary to the MPAA ratings board
In the climactic face-off between good and evil, Ben and Matt don Roman-style breastplates with stainless steel nipples. With wings unfurled, Ben looks like the Hawkman float at the Pride parade.
DOGMA is a riot, even if it's a notch short of heavenly.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
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Sad to say, I've seen all 19 James Bond movies and no big fan am I, but finally here's a Bond film that has me all shaken and stirred.
Don't get me wrong, The World is Not Enough is chocked full of the usual trashy fun, preposterous escapes, exotic babes, and fetching scenery, but this time it adds to smashing good fun with a minimum of eye-rolling and - God forbid - even a wee bit of depth.
It ain't all a bed of roses, of course. As usual in the language of Bond-age, every third line is a double-entendre which is tiresome beyond all description. If I wanted quips I'd get Bruce Vilanch and Whoopi Goldberg.
What can you say about a movie that features the matter/anti-matter combination of Dame Judi Dench and Broad Denise Richards? Excuse me, nuclear physicist Denise Richards. Which letter in MIT stands for "beautician," anyway?
"I wear shorts and a tank top," explains Denise, "it's more scientific looking." So is a rat on a treadmill, but I don't see Denise running in circles, at least not without a titanium sports bra and a stockpile of Dramamine. Is that a tattoo on your belly, Denise, or are some bionics sticking out?
Because the world is not enough, Denise, the Sofia Coppola of Bond movies, comes ready-made with two worlds, Venus and Pluto, both orbiting between her neck and waist and possessing a gravitational pull like a Hooter tractor beam. Never has so much talent been entirely invisible to the naked eye, hidden mysteriously beneath Lara Croft science-wear.
"What do I need to defuse a nuclear bomb?" asks James. "Me," replies Denise, anticipating perhaps that her turbo-breasts will be used to muffle the blast.
That bomb, by the way, is controlled by Windows CE! How can an operating system control a nuclear bomb but not show me a full calendar month on my PDA? Can I detonate this piece of crap?
James encounters physicist Denise in the middle of Kazakhstan - a desert-like region called Implantistan, where Arabs can't find teeth, but Denise can find good makeup and hair.
Truthfully, science has a great deal to do with Denise's appeal. Who needs special effects when Denise brings her nuclear tipped silicone warheads. Specially equipped with a pair of Playtex high-yield tactical fission silos, Denise needs a firm footing or she'll topple forward, thanks to a center of gravity just north of the Arctic circle.
And then there's testosterone magnet Sophie Marceau, who may indeed be French. Sophie spends virtually all of this movie wrapped in a robe or strategically placed bedding. Damn it, this flick couldn't be more PG if Sophie slept in Star Wars sheets and savored caviar from a PokΘmon lunch box!
I would describe the plot of this movie, but to tell the truth I have no idea what the hell was going on, but I liked it. Something about competing pipelines, and I'm not talking about Denise and Sophie.
One terrific moment: The introduction of comic genius John Cleese as Q's protΘgΘ in a scene where Q almost literally bows out. It's an exit more honorable than any actor playing Bond ever had, that's for sure.
God Bless Pierce Brosnan, who has left behind Rene Russo and returned where he belongs - to babes half his age. Pierce is surprisingly good in this - so good I've almost forgotten Roger Moore's smarm and that weird cleft in Timothy Dalton's chin (Timothy who?).
I couldn't help noticing something strange: James makes love with his watch on. Not to mention that furry bear skin Pierce calls a "chest."
A lot of the credit for the strength of this flick goes to the great Judi Dench - who brings a big sloppy wet kiss of class to these proceedings - and a largely unrecognizable Robert Carlyle as the villain.
Robert's got a bullet in his brain which is slowly killing him but not until it gives him superhuman strength...uh... Denise, can you explain the science behind this phenomenon? He holds a scalding rock and feels no pain - does this mean Anthony Robbins has a bullet in his head too?
When Denise and James are sinking together in a submarine, Denise pulls her ripcord in the nick of time, safely surfacing the sub and providing twin life-rafts for dozens of survivors.
Now there's a "Titanic" which really is unsinkable.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - SLEEPY HOLLOW - Heads and Tales
Date: 21 Nov 1999 18:27:25 -0500 (EST)
THANKS THIS WEEKà
àto the writers and publishers of the ôINTERNET COOL GUIDE: A Savvy Guide to the Best Destinations on the Web.ö ItÆs a very slick book and the third one this year (that IÆm aware of) to cite and review MovieJuice.com in a list of whatÆs cool (Hey, the Internet ainÆt JUST a place to sell stuff, you know). MovieJuice.com was awarded a special credit for ôoriginality,ö curiously unlike most of the movies I write about.
********************
SLEEPY HOLLOW û Heads and Tales
by Mark Ramsey
<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/sleepyhollow.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/sleepyhollow.htm
November 21, 1999
It's a box office battle between the Headless Horseman and the Mindless Denise Richards. One spectre can slice off a man's head with one bold thrust, the other can vibrate her boobies to tune a piano. Pick your poison!
Sleepy Hollow is Tim Burton's latest nightmare before Christmas and it's one hell of a pre-holiday gift. Not since the zoo got the pandas have I been so excited!
You know the story: The legendary Headless Horseman sweeps through an 18th Century New York village, terrifying and beheading the townspeople and taking their heads for his collection, which is later to be auctioned at Sotheby's for outrageous sums proving, once again, that cool heads truly do prevail.
Johnny Depp returns in his third Burton film, but his first playing opposite a headless guy since Al Pacino blew his top in Donnie Brasco. Johnny looks like Edward Scissorhands after a Jenny Jones Show makeover.
Christina Ricci sleepwalks her way through this flick as Katrina Van Tassel. If a Van Tassel marries a Van Loafer, what are the odds the kid will end up in sales? Can a Van Golf Foursome be far behind?
Katrina's boyfriend, Casper Van Dien, plays Brom Van Brunt even though he looks more like Surfer Van Dude. There's nothing like hanging ten before a long day of farming, is there? Does your tractor have a longboard rack, Casper? It's a rad day for epic harvesting, isn't it?
Much of the romance stuff between Johnny and Christina is a lead weight dragging behind an otherwise zip-zappy tale. The stilted dialogue is just a bit too close to the atmospheric but tedious 60's Hammer films that were Sleepy Hollow's inspiration. Even that great Hammer stalwart Christopher Lee shows up in a small role shaking his finger at Johnny as if to say: "Look who outlived Peter Cushing, young man!"
If the sword-swinging style of the Headless Horseman looks familiar, it's for good reason. This man knows his way around a saber! It's Martial Arts maestro Ray Park, last seen in red and black warpaint as Darth Maul and now taking a breather from Star Wars conventions long enough to corner the market on roles for anonymous costumed Martial Arts experts. "Villainy wears many masks," says Johnny Depp. And behind them all - it's Ray!
I'm not giving away anything to say that Chris Walken is the Horseman prior to his Headless mid-life crisis. Chris snarls and growls and bares his dagger-like teeth in a role with no dialogue - zero. If this doesn't get Chris uninvited from the Actor's Studio then nothing will. At this rate, Chris and Ray Park will be competing for roles.
My favorite character actor in Sleepy Hollow is Burton regular and "Ferris Bueller" alum Jeffrey Jones who plays in powder wigs so much his head is soft as a baby's butt and he's increasingly sympathetic to King George.
The creepy centerpiece of Sleepy Hollow is the "Tree of the Dead," a craggily blood-spewing structure, part Hollywood, part Vine. The Horseman bursts from this evil oak on his black steed and charges across the countryside, lobbing off more heads than the cost-cutters at Disney.
I understand the "Tree of the Dead" better than most. You see, despite my best efforts, I never fail to cultivate the "Houseplants of the Dead."
Naturally this movie is full of quintessential Burton nods to his own catalog and to classic horror - from wink-wink references to Scissorhands and Beetlejuice to more obscure salutes - the windmill from Frankenstein and the Iron Maiden from The Pit and the Pendulum. I love little touches like the fog literally reaching to snuff out the torches surrounding the town. It's why Tim is always must-see in my book.
Sleepy Hollow is death and destruction on a stick. Anyone who hates this fairy scary tale is not using his head.
Copyright 1999 Mark Ramsey. All rights reserved. NO PORTION MAY BE REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR.
********************
AND DONÆT FORGET MOVIEJUICE.COMÆS TAKE ON THE NEW BOND FILM!
<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/worldisnotenough.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
********************
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Subject: [MV] MovieJuice! - END OF DAYS - The Tin Commandments
Date: 25 Nov 1999 09:42:33 -0500 (EST)
HAPPY TURKEY DAY
From MovieJuice.com!
********************
END OF DAYS - The Tin Commandments
by Mark Ramsey
November 24, 1999
<a href="http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/endofdays.htm">Click here for the full review!</a>
http://www.moviejuice.com/1999/endofdays.htm
The End of Days represents that single moment at the end of the millennium when man is destroyed, Satan's reign on Earth begins, and Felicity cuts her hair so short she should change her name to Philicity.
It's high time for the apocalypse: Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. The Devil, Arnold's most formidable foe since Red Sonja!
The Devil, you see, gets laid only once every thousand years just like Mulder and Scully. That's enough to make anyone cross! Lucifer must screw this certain chick in the "unholy hour" before midnight on New Year's Eve. I thought this was every guy's challenge!?
When informed about the Devil's need to get laid moments before the new millennium, media magnate Rupert Murdoch is said to have replied "If I'm flying across time zones, does that mean I can get laid 24 times?"
Thank Heaven they released this movie early enough to rack up $100 million bills before the new year hits and the dramatic arc is pretty much moot.
The Devil is Gabriel Byrne, recently converted from a priest in Stigmata. I remember encountering Gabriel in a hotel lobby once in LA. He was smoking - which I believe is illegal - and he peered at me with those steely eyes as I peered right back. "Aren't you Gabriel Byrne?" I thought to myself. "Aren't you nobody at all?" he thought to himself. We were both right.
"You're a choirboy compared to me," Arnold says to the Devil with an actorly flourish that comes only from years of weight training. "I've had bigga pansies dan you spot me at da gym! Ah you from Hell or from Helen, you pussy!" That Arnold: Nobody fires off a round better, and nobody fires off his mouth worse.
And what's a hero without a comic-relief best pal? Every Lethal Weapon needs its Joe Pesci, right? In this flick, it's Kevin Pollak who sits atop Arnold's AOL "Buddy" list. Kevin occupies the Tom Arnold True Lies role but with few of Tom's hysterical one-liners - instead, he's one Comedy Stop up from Rob Schneider. "The Kevin-ator! Makin' Copies!"
So Satan must sire a child. Why? Because, according to trendmaster Faith Popcorn, demonic beings are entering a nesting phase during which the comforts of home and family are paramount. Haven't you watched Roman Polanski's Rosemary's Baby? Baby-making is what Devils do! Even Roman was busy having children when he wasn't "having" them.
Thanks to End of Days, I learned something new which, as far as I can tell, is nowhere in the Bible: The Devil's pee is flammable! That makes one too many undesirable side-effects of the Zone diet, if you ask me.
To find answers, Arnold enlists the help of roly-poly priest Rod Steiger. Rod, whose best-selling cookbook "In the Heat of the Oven" still reigns the New York Times best-seller list, took time from book-signings to cash in here and prove the maxim "they don't make 'em like they used to." When he's not waddling, Rod's upper torso is removed to reveal progressively tinier Rods hiding inside.
Needless to say, Rod is one of our great national treasures dating back to the time when national treasure was in Spanish doubloons.
"There are forces at work here which you couldn't possibly understand," says Rod, who's obviously talking about the geniuses at Universal who green-lit this turkey.
Robin Tunney is the object of the Devil's affection. She's marked with the sign of evil: "666" - which is "999" upside down "like in 1999!!" says one character in an orgasmic blast of convenient fact-fitting. That's why all this is happening now! And if you ask how "666" gets translated to "1999" Rod Steiger will sit on you.
Near the climax of this flick, Arnold experiences a profound spiritual realization - he gains faith to the tune of a Heavenly choir. All Arnold needs are some wayward street urchins, some lines from Going My Way, and a few songs by Irving Berlin. Now if the Devil can only raise Danny Kaye.
I'll give this flick its due: Lots of cool special effects here - especially in the subway where the trains look like the ones circling the tree on Christmas morning.
I'm afraid I missed large portions of this movie because my eyes spent so much time rolling. End of Days sure has its share of thrills and death defying stunts, but I'm afraid the weak script and ridiculous climax could have used just one more come-to-Jesus meeting.
********************
DONÆT FORGET TO VISIT MOVIEJUICE.COM!
Hey, kids, don't forget to visit the MovieJuice! Site at http://www.moviejuice.com. The pictures are half the fun (and sometimes more than half the laughs)!
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