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buffyfic-digest         Wednesday, May 6 1998         Volume 02 : Number 163



In this issue:

       BUFFYFIC: Deadly Sin or Cardinal Virtue?  1/1
       BUFFYFIC: Restoration Part Six of ????
       BUFFYFIC: "The Path of Least Resistance" (2/3)

See the end of the digest for information on (un)subscribing to the buffyfic
or buffyfic-digest mailing lists and on how to retrieve back issues.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 1998 12:25:52 -0700
From: Angel's Lover <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Deadly Sin or Cardinal Virtue?  1/1

Subject:  Just Angelus's thoughts as he tries to deal with emotions he
shouldn't be having now that he's evil.
Spoiler:  Um... dunno... I think just Surprise and Innocence, Passion,
and I Only Have Eyes for You.
Rating:  PG.. maybe a bit more for some language.
Posting:  At my homepage, Heaven's Gates
(http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/3863) under the Watcher's Diaries.
Comments:  Please, to Lea at either:  [e-mail] or
[e-mail] Good or Bad.. just be nice! *G*
Disclaimers:  The character's aren't mine.. they belong to Joss, Mutant
Enemy and WB... I am making no money off of this, quite obviously. *G*

********************


    Deadly Sin or Cardinal Virtue?


    Angel slammed his hand into the bricks of the tiny floral waterfall as
he
once again attempted to wash the remaining feelings of his recent
encounter with
Buffy from his body and mind.  Ever since those infernal spirits had
choked their
love through his veins, his dreams have been driving him insane.  Every
night he
watches the slayer as she sleeps, moving ever closer to that moment when
he would inevitably have to touch her.. to kiss her.. to bring her
across so that she could
be eternally his.  But it was impossible...  love was impossible.  Only
imperfect
beings such as humans and the lesser creatures could exeperience the
disgusting, revolting, drawing effects of love.  Passion was one thing.
Lust was one thing.
Angel could except both passion and lust as a part of living.. even for
the undead.
But love?  It just couldn't be.. his soul was no longer a part of him,
no matter what the desperate humans wished to believe.  He couldn't love
anyone.  He couldn't force himself to love anyone.  Could he?
    An image of Buffy, curled around a large teddy bear, the gentle blonde
locks
of her hair curled softly around her face, assaulted him.  Something
with in himself lurched... revulsion, he told himself.  But it wasn't.
Somewhere deep within himself
he desperately needed the slayer to be with him, to love him in a way
he'd never before experienced, nor wanted to experience.  When he'd had
his soul, her love was something he had learned to accept, something he
had learned to accept within himself as well,
but now?  She could never love him as he was, he should never be able to
love her either, yet the burning coals of feeling were spreading
throughout his body.
    He wasn't kidding himself, however.  He knew that if he were to bed the
girl once more, he would be forced to bring her across to his side, to
his nature.  Once he had her, Angel knew he couldn't bring himself to
live without her.  Something about her reminded him of what he once
longed for, a being as strong as himself, as intelligent
as himself, as determined, as beautiful, as innocent as he had been the
night he'd been brought across.  Darla had not given him the choice of
becoming a demon, if he had the chance, he'd do the same to Buffy.  The
question was, could he do that to Buffy?  As evil as he acted, as nasty
as he was, each action was only a reaction to these feelings he'd been
trying to rid himself of since the day he'd been returned to his true
self.
    To this day he'd been unable to slay the slayer, as hard as he tried,
he hesitated.  The gypsy bitch had been nothing more than a bad
replacement for what he should have done to Buffy months before.  Angel
sighed, splashing more of the ice cold water upon his face and body.
This burning in his chest wouldn't go away.. every time he thought of
her.. every time he imagined exactly what it was he wanted to do to
her... every time he slept.. he couldn't get her out of his mind.
    He'd tried driving her insane by torturing and killing her friends.  It
didn't work.  He'd tried driving her mad by using their previous
relationship against her.  She'd been too strong.  He'd tried killing
her.  He'd been too emotionally frail to do so.  Who ever would have
heard of it?  A vampire emotionally frail?  He was falling apart at the
seams.. all he had to do was plunge his teeth into her sweet, tender
throat and all would be  finished.. but he was unable of completing even
that
seemingly simple task.
    He drew his shirt over his still damp chest, running his fingers back
through his hair in frustration.  That damned slayer had worked her way
into the heart he thought he didn't have.  It could be just left over
feelings from his past relationship with her.. he had told himself this
for months, but the feelings weren't fading.  It could be lingering
insanity from spending so many years as a half human... but why
would it affect him this way?
    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO ME, SLAYER?????"
    His screams bounced off the hollow walls, reverberating around the
room.  Drusilla walked by, a frown on her face, but she said nothing.
Rather she peered at
him in concern, shrinking back from the violent scowl with which he met
the sight of her.
    "Is there a problem, princess?"  His words were harsh and biting.
    "Problems, problems... the world is filled with problems, luv, and we
are just the start of them.  Always a problem.. ever a problem.. do you
have a problem, my Angel?"  Her voice was sing-song, but under the guise
of insanity, her mind was working fiercely.
    "No problem, Dru.  Why don't you take chair boy and go feed.  I'm not
hungry."
    Drusilla shrugged slowly, spinning on her heel and floating calmly out
of the room.  "Whatever you say, sweet Angel.. Spike and I will add to
the worlds problems.  Don't you just love problems.. I love problems..
problems are like stars... brilliant.. shining.. problems."
    Her voice faded as she went in search of Spike, but Angel's conflicting
feelings did no such thing.  Rather he was left with stronger emotions
than ever.
    Rather than standing around doing nothing, Angel moved out of the
vampires idealic hideaway and began his long trek over the streets of
Sunnydale, heading as if drawn by some unseen force, once again back to
the window of Buffy's bedroom.
    A barrier stood in his way as he watched her sleep.  Her invitation to
him into her home had long since been revoked; a mistake of his, letting
her know that he had been in her room.  The peaceful nights he had spent
at her side contemplating the curiosity that is passion came to an end
abruptly.  Rather now he sat in the tree, watching her sleep from afar,
never again to stroke her soft cheek as she breathed gently into the
night.
    He meant not to harm her tonight, as he had so meant many of his nights
spent like this.  Had he ever really meant her any harm?  He had
intended so, but perhaps
only in mind not in heart.  Confusion clouded his thoughts, and the
vampire sighed.
    He settled into a comfortable position in the tree; dawn was a long way
off
and the night was cold.  Still he had no intention of leaving, not
tonight, not ever.  Perhaps the only way of ending these unwanted
feelings would be to die, but then his nights would no longer be filled
with her precious image.
    Angel gagged.. precious image?  Where had that come from?  He groaned..
the
same place all other thoughts had come from for too many of his eternal
nights.  The desire to end these emotions was strong, but the desire to
see them through to completion was just as powerful.
    There were only three choices, and Angel realized this now.  One, he
could continue on the way he had been living, torturing himself with
this endless desire to see through what he could barely understand.
Two, he could sink his teeth into her tender throat, pull from her body
the blood she needed to sustain her life, then feed
to her the very blood he had fed upon.  She would then become the
perfect mate for
him, but she would no longer be the Buffy that enflamed his long thought
dead human desires.  And finally three.  He could sit in this tree until
the sun rose high above the treeline, ending the tortured existance that
had been his life for over eighty years.  The gypsy curse had only been
the beginning, would the desire he had developed for the slayer be the
end?
    He had hours to make his choice.. he knew these emotions to be sprung
from lust.. a deadly sin, but was it more deadly than those he had
committed in the past?  The lust was developing dangerously close to
love, an emotion that could purify the demon within him.  He sighed.. a
deadly sin or a cadinal virtue?  Could this... love... lead him to
killing himself, an act that could save so many lives over so many
generations?
    He didn't know right then... but by the time dawn came upon him there
would either be one vampire more walking the streets of Sunnydale, or
one less.  Yes.. come the rise of the sun the decision would be made..
one way.. or another.


*********
Angel's Lover (fondly known as Lea)
"Love makes you do the wacky!"
"I'm SO the net girl!"
Come visit Heaven's Gates: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/3863
Defender of David Boreanaz... you know, the man with the fangs! ~VV~

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 06 May 1998 12:36:23 -0700
From: Angel's Lover <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: Restoration Part Six of ????

Subject:  The restoration of Angel's soul and all side effects.
Spoilers:  Passion big time.. a few from first season... surprise and
innocence.
Rating:  PG.. some violence.
Posting:  At my homepage, Heaven's Gates
(http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/3863) under the Watcher's Diaries.
Comments:  Please, to Lea at either:  [e-mail] or
[e-mail] Good or Bad.. but be nice! *G*
Disclaimers: The characters aren't mine, they belong to Joss, Mutant
Enemy, and WB... I am making no money from this, quite obviously. *G*

***************


Restoration Part Six:

    Armed with a glass of diet coke, Buffy settled down onto the sofa
beside Angel once more. He smiled at her softly, knowing somewhere deep
inside himself not to press her on personal thoughts at the moment.
Instead he chose to pick up where they had left off the night before,
hoping against hope that by the end of the whole experience she would be
ready to talk about them.
    "Your dream filled in a lot of details, then?"  he queried in a low
voice.
    She nodded, "Last I got to before Will and Xander came in was up until
you knocked me out."  She smiled tensely, "Remind me not to tangle with
you in the future.  You throw a good punch.. my head is still killing
me."
    He glanced down, "I'm sorry... I really am."
    She gasped, "I didn't mean.. I mean.. I didn't say.. ah, hell.. forget
it.
That wasn't meant as a guilt trip you know."
    He chuckled sadly, "Looks like both of us are still a little unsure how
to go about this now.  Why don't we just finish what we remember and
then work from there."
    She shrugged.  "My memory is a bit fuzzy after that... I think you
knocked me a bit harder than I'd like to admit."
    He nodded, "That's alright.  I remember most of it up until I passed
out.  You're not the only one who dreams... I dream.. all too often..
about too many things."
    Her tongue poked out slightly between her lips.  "I know.  But Ange..
you couldn't help it... don't do this to yourself anymore.  We're all
wigged about the entire sitch, but we gotta move on.  That's what
tonight is about.. getting this out of the way so that we can move on."
    "Then let's do it... I watched you closely from the moment you landed
against that gravestone.. as you closed your eyes... I thought for a
moment that you were down for good.. that maybe I had won..."

****************

    "Wakey, wakey, slayer of my heart.  We're not done yet!"  Angel grinned
evilly as he moved to Buffy's side, drawing back to kick her in the
ribs.
    Her eyes shot open and her hands darted out, catching Angel's foot in
mid air, flipping him to his back.  "Wrong again, Angel, we are done.
Now!"  Her hand flicked back to retrieve a fallen stake and she rolled
to her feet.  Angel was gone.
    A rustle came from behind her and she turned to see Angel shuffling
through her bag.  A stake passed through the air by her head and he
looked up with a grin.  "Oops.  Wouldn't want to actually hit you with
that, Buff... waste of good blood and all.."

    She scowled, "Don't worry.  I don't intend on becoming vampire chow
anytime soon."
    "Oh but lover, you already are... yum!"  Angel licked his lips and
laughed at the glare that crossed her face.
    She moved forward slowly, dropping into a fighting stance waiting for
his next move.  Angel merely shrugged, continuing his sifting through
her supplies.  He hissed
as his hand came in contact with a crucifix and he sent that sailing
over his shoulder.
"Nasty thing those crosses," he shook his head.  His eyebrow raised,
"Oooh.. now what
do we have here?" he grinned.  "Tsk tsk, Buffy, what'd you think this
was going to do?  Did you think I was just going to look at it and
suddenly revert back to that
disgusting display I used to be?"  A low chuckle rose in his throat,
"Sorry, honey, slayer you may be, but gypsy spell caster you will never
make." Slowly he began
tossing the crystal orb up and down in his hand.
    With a growl Buffy propelled herself into the air, driving her foot
into his chest, knocking him to the ground between the two dead girls.
She threw herself on
top of him, rasing the stake she still held over his chest, preparing to
drive it
deep into his heart.  It was at that moment, as the stake hung suspended
in the air, that the orb Angel held in his hand began to glow brightly.
Buffy's eyes were immediately drawn to the light of the orb that had
suddenly began to issue a low
buzzing sound that filled her mind.
    Without warning Angel howled in agony, his body jerking upwards and
out.  The strength of his convulsions sent Buffy flying backwards,
cracking her head on a sharp rock protruding from the earth.  Her head
sank sideways, but through the fuzzy greyness
filling her sight, a car parked on the side of the cemetary path came
into vision.
    "Giles?"  she whispered weakly, hardly noticing as the watcher climbed
back
into the driver's seat of the car and dissapeared out the cemetary
gates.  "Oh, Giles."
    Angel's groans softened, and Buffy forced her head around to see what
was happening.  Sharp stabs of pain burst behind her eyes, but shoving
her own discomfort
to the side, she took in the sight of Angel's still form.  She sighed.
    As  blessed darkness finally took over, Buffy realized one thing.  For
better
or worse, it was finally over.

*********************

    "And then you woke me up."  Buffy shrugged softly.  "End of the whole
miserable story."
    Angel frowned, "Not the end, Buffy, the beginning."
    "What's that supposed to mean?"
    "While Spike is still in Sunnydale, this will not ever be over.  We
have to do something about this now while it's all still fresh."
    "You mean....?"
    Angel nodded.  "I'm going back, Buff.  We need to know what Spike and
Dru are going to do next.  The easiest way to go about it is by sending
me back in under cover so to speak."
    Buffy blinked, "Angel... if they find you out they'll kill you."
    He nodded, "But once they realize I'm no longer Angelus they'll try to
kill me anyway.  So I may as well get something done before that
happens."
    "Negative, much?"
    "It's the truth, Buff, and you know it as well as me."  Angel sighed.
    "When will you go?"
    "Tonight.  I have to get back before they realize anything has
happened.  One day missing is easy to explain, but two will be hard.  I
have to get back before sunrise."
    Buffy cast her eyes downward.  "Well... there's still a few hours
before dawn.. maybe we could just hang for a while?"
    He shook his head, "You need to get home.  We have enough problems as
it is.
If your mom finds out you've been out until dawn two nights in a row..."
    "I'm dead. Ya, I know I know."
    Softly he stroked his fingers through her hair, a gentle sigh on his
lips as
he looked at her lovingly.  "We'll have other nights, Buff.  I promise.
Tonight we
both have to do what we must.  It's the only way to get through this."
    With only the slightest of hesitation Buffy pressed her lips to his in
a
feather light kiss, then rested her hand on his shoulder.  "Then let's
get through
this and move on."  She climbed to her feet and they walked to the
door.  "Will you
walk me home before going back?"
    He nodded silently and the two passed through the doors of his building
out
into the night.  Angel was right.  There was a long way to go before
this would be finished.

**************

End Part Six.

***************
Angel's Lover (fondly known as Lea)
"Love makes you do the wacky!"
"I'm SO the net girl!"
Come visit Heaven's Gates: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/3863
Defender of David Boreanaz... you know, the man with the fangs!

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 6 May 1998 20:56:51 EDT
From: KylenRevik <[e-mail]>
Subject: BUFFYFIC: "The Path of Least Resistance" (2/3)

Comments to [e-mail], please.

~

     When he awoke, it was still dark outside, and he was lying on
his front porch, curled up on the swing his parents had put in when
he was just a kid. He could remember when he and Willow used to sit
here, her Barbie Dolls dating his G.I. Joes, and now he...he...
     What was going _on_, he asked himself. Why did he feel
so...woozy? Wiggy? Spaced-out?
     Yes. Spaced out. That was right. Yes. He was spaced out.
     Why was he spaced out?
     He hadn't been partying. He hadn't been drunk. He hadn't
been...what was going _on_?! He shook his head once, twice, trying
to clear it and figure out what it was that was going on and why
was his entire mind so _muddled_?
     Deep breaths. First thing was first.
     He and Cordelia had been out the night before. At the Bronze.
She had to leave early...because...for some reason...and he was...
     He was very, very messed up. He sighed. This absolutely
sucked. He sighed again, deeper this time. He was going to have to
call Cordelia and find out who she had left him with, and what
she'd been slipping in his drink, if she had, or maybe somebody
else had, though why anyone would feel like getting him drunk, he
wasn't quite sure. Wasn't as if he was considered especially
amazing, he knew.
     Sitting up slowly, Xander watched a piece of paper flutter to
the porch floor, and leaned over to pick it up. A single word had
been scrawled there: "Tasty."
     Xander shuddered violently, dropping the piece of paper as his
hand moved to his throat, connecting with two small puncture
wounds. "Ohgod," he whispered, feeling himself pale. "Ohhh god."
     He looked around, and saw that it the sun still hadn't sparked
over the horizen. Yet.
     He drew in a deep breath, swallowing quickly as he stood,
tearing down the stairs and breaking into a run, top speed. He
could get there before daylight broke, and she had an actual
basement, not just a dinky little laundry room.
     *Great. So I'm gonna spend the night at _Willow's_. Just what
we both need. Not like I've got any choice in the matter, because
there isn't anywhere else mom and dad'd not throw a fit if I went,
but I mean, really. Willow. This is great. Real funny. Funny weird,
not funny ha-ha. This is _not_ funny ha-ha, in the least, at all.
Definately very not funny ha-ha. Because now some kooky undead
creep has gone and turned me into some kind of freakish...*
     He was ranting. And he was at Willow's now.
     He reached up and rapped gently on the door. "Will?" he
hissed. "_Willow_!" She was lying curled up on her bed, tucked
under her quilt, apparently not even hearing him. And if she didn't
_hurry the hell up_, he was gonna get fried, and...and...
"_WILLOW_!"
     She jerked up suddenly, turning over in bed and staring at the
window. Her lips moved, but no sound came through the window.  He
motioned for her to open the window, which she promptly hopped off
the bed and did. "Xander?" she asked, confusion etched into her
expression. "What are you doing here?"
     Quickly, Xander hopped over the windowsill, thanking God that
WIllow lived in a split-level. "Something bit me," he said, as he
moved into the room, then turned to look at her. "Willow, one of
those things _bit_ me."
     "What?!" shock and concern flooded her features.
     He pulled down the neck of his t-shirt a bit, then tilted his
head to one side, exposing the bite marks. "Something bit me." His
brow furrowed. "And it itches."
     "Well don't scratch it!" Willow yelped, "Xander, cut that
out!" She grabbed his hand, and forced it down to his side,
inspecting the wound. "What _happened_?"
     "I don't know," he said. "Cordie and I were out and then the
next thing I know, I'm waking up on my front porch ready to be
_toast_ when daylight comes along!"
     Willow's eyes widened and she took a couple steps back. "You
mean, you, one of them--"
     "I don't know," Xander said. "I have no idea. Didn't you catch
the part where I said _I don't remember what happened_?!"
     Willow bit her lip.
     "Yoy, Will," he said quickly, "didn't mean it like that, I
just, I'm freaking out, just a little, you know what I mean?"
     "I-- I can imagine, I guess, yes," she replied.
"But...shouldn't we, um, go find Buffy, maybe?"
     "No!" he yelped. "Will, she's a vampire _Slayer_!" He shook
his head emphatically. "She'd kill me!"
     "Only _if_ you were...you know, and I don't think she would,
I mean...you don't seem like you'd be, a, um, very evil vampire..."
     "Neither did her ex-boyfriend at first," Xander said, "at
least, not to you guys, even though _I_ said from the very
beginning that guy was bad news, coming in all creepy-like and
giving us the whole tortured routine, because see, I _knew_
something like this was gonna happen, and--"
     Willow shook her head. "Xander?" she interrupted.
     "Yeah?" he asked, feeling his heart pumping harder in his
chest. He wondered if that was a symptom of becoming a vampire.
Except he wasn't sure if their hearts beat. Except if they didn't,
maybe that was just because he hadn't quite finished dying yet?
Which would explain why he wasn't being posessed by some freaky-ass
demon and going all vampoid on Willow right now.
     "Be-- be calm," Willow urged him. "Just...settle down."
     Xander nodded, then shook his head. "Settle down, Willow, how
am I supposed to settle down?! I may never see sunlight again!"
     She smiled slightly. "You're not even sure one of them did
anything to you."
     "I know I got bit!" he yelped.
     "Bitten! And _shh_, you're gonna wake up my, um, parents and
I'll have to explain, you know, why you're here!"
     "Okay," he said, lowering his voice in volume but not in tone.
"I'm just kinda wiggin' out right now."
     "Okay."
     "Okay."
     "Everything's okay?"
     "No." He shook his head. "Not okay. At all. Very not okay. And
you know what, I had this exact same conversation with myself on
the way over, and you know, it just doesn't _help_ any because if
I got vamped by one of those freaks, there's nothing we can do,
because I'm going to lose my soul and that'll be all there is to
it! Zip! Kaput! End of Xander as we know him!"
     "Maybe the next one will be, you know, a little less likely to
freak out?"
     "Not _likely_," Xander said, starting to pace. He reached the
doorway, then turned around and looked at her. "He'll probably be
much more likely to, you know, go all nuts and stuff. And like,
when he gets yelled at in class for not having his homework--"
     "You couldn't go to class if you were a vampire," Willow
interjected.
     "Okay, but there would still be night classes. Or something."
     "You wouldn't go to them."
     "I know. This is for the sake of argument."
     Willow nodded an okay.
     "But if there's a whole new me, that would just..." He trailed
off, shaking his head. "Will, you realize, if I die now, I'm gonna
die a virgin!"
     Her expression suddenly shifted, somewhere between horrified
and hopeful now. Then she shook her head. "Well, but you'll have
your whole un-life to lose your virginity."
     "But Buffy'll want to kill me!"
     "She won't." Willow shook her head. "Look at how she was to
Angel."
     "Yeah, but I'm not about to kill a family of gypsies," Xander
hissed.
     There was silence for a moment, then Willow said quietly,
"Well...maybe that's a good thing."
     Xander shook his head. "For the gypsies, maybe. What about me?
What about my needs?"
     "Well, look at it this way," Willow said. "If you, you know,
did kill the gypsies, you could only have the soul until you,
well...you know."
     Xander's eyes widened slightly. "Excuse me?"
     Willow went suddenly pale. "Oh. Oops."
     He shook his head, walking back over to her. "No...what's
'oops'? I don't like oops. Oops is confusing. I'm confused enough
as it is."
     Willow took a breath, shaking her head. "No. I'm not supposed
to have, um, said anything about that. To, um, anybody."
     "About what?"
     "About Angel losing his soul."
     Xander's eyes narrowed slightly. "Whoa. Hold on...a second."
     "Yeah?"
     "You're saying..."
     "Nothing, I'm not saying anything, because Buffy told me not
to say anything."
     Xander sighed and shook his head. "Willow, come on, you know
me, you've never kept a secret from me in your life before...come
on..." His mind was racing to try and draw whatever connections it
was Willow had made between what he had been saying about losing
his virginity and...
     ...it clicked. Oh dear. "She didn't."
     Willow didn't answer him.
     So she did. He shook his head. "Nooo...oohh, that's a bad
thing." He looked up at her. "How come nobody ever told me?"
     "Because," Willow said. "We just kind of thought it might not
go over so well, you know, you liking her and all..."
     "She didn't..." he looked at the expression on Willow's face
and shook his head. "...or maybe she did. Wow. Jeepers." He shook
his head. "That was the...one moment of true happiness thing?"
     Willow nodded weakly. "You didn't figure it out yet?"
     Xander shook his head, rubbing his chin a little. "No, I
didn't. And I mena, that in and of itself is slightly odd,
considering that sex is basically the only thing I ever _do_ think
about so far as Buffy is concerned..." He bit his lip, glancing up
at Willow to gauge her reaction, knowing darn well that the whole
idea of him liking Buffy wasn't something that went over incredibly
well with her, but what was he supposed to do? Just say yes, he
would completely forget about this beautiful, amazing young woman,
and not only that but dump his current gorgeous girlfriend, and go
out with the girl he considered his sister? And since he didn't
know how to deal with the fact that Willow didn't seem to be
thinking about him in a sisterly/brotherly fashion any more these
days, he had decided he was just going to ignore the whole thing
and hope it went away. Soon. Because this was just too plain wiggy.

~

Comments to [e-mail], please.

------------------------------

End of buffyfic-digest V2 #163
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