1, " A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\012 -- Mark Twain"
2, " A bore is a fellow talking who can change the subject back to his topic of conversation faster then you can change it back to yours.\012 -- Laurence J. Peter"
3, " A cult is a religion with no political power.\012 -- Tom Wolfe"
4, " A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
5, " A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat."
6, " A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip."
7, " A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
8, " Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."
9, " Among economists, the real world is often a special case."
10, " As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.\012 --Einstein"
11, " Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.\012 -- Mae West."
12, " Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
13, " Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.\012 -- Mark Twain"
14, " Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.\012 -- Mark Twain"
15, " Common sense is in spite of, not as the result of education.\012 -- Victor Hugo"
16, " Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
17, " Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them."
18, " Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.\012 -- Horace Smith"
19, " Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management."
20, " Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
21, " Diplomacy is the art of saying \042nice doggy\042 until you can find a rock."
22, " Disney, of course, has the best casting. If he doesn't like an actor, he just tears him up.\012 -- Alfred Hitchcock"
23, " Education is a method wherby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.\012 -- Laurence J. Peter"
24, " Education is a state-controlled manufactury of echoes.\012 -- Norman Douglas"
25, " Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."
26, " Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move."
27, " Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"
28, " God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends."
29, " God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh."
30, " Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."
31, " History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of.\012 -- Robert A. Heinlein"
32, " History is a set of lies agreed upon.\012 -- Napoleon Bonaparte"
33, " Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.\012 -- W.C. Fields"
34, " I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.\012 -- Charles Schultz"
35, " If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing."
36, " If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?"
37, " If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.\012 -- Yiddish saying"
38, " If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.\012 -- Jerry Dreshfield"
39, " If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you."
40, " If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\012 -- Mark Twain"
41, " It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
42, " It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem."
43, " It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag."
44, " Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea.\012 Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it."
45, " Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen."
46, " Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.\012 -- Mark Twain"
47, " Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.\012 -- Winston Churchill"
48, " Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate."
49, " Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings."
50, " Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him."
51, " Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing."
52, " Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"
53, " Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.\012 -- W. C. Fields"
54, " Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.\012 -- D. J. Hicks"
55, " Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work."
56, " Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.\012 -- David Frost"
57, " The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.\012 -- John McNulty"
58, " ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.\012 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19"
59, " The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal.\012 -- Anatole France"
60, " There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
61, " There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write."
62, " There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.\012 --Mark Twain"
63, " We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.\012 -- Lily Tomlin"
64, " We have met the enemy, and he is us.\012 -- Walt Kelly"
65, " What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?\012 -- Peter S. Beagle"
66, " When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them."
67, " While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his."
68, " Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved\012 -- Mark Twain"
69, " Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat."
70, " What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are."
71, " When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.\012 -- Jonathan Swift"
72, " For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
73, " Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object."
74, " The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."
75, " In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake."
76, " Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse."
77, " Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight."
78, " Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out."
79, " The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent."
80, " Weinberg's Second Law:\012 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
81, " 1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't.\012 2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date.\012 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws."
82, " If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will."
83, " You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof."
84, " In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.\012 This person must be fired."
85, " If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want will get to the screen first."
86, " 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.\012 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points."
87, " Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal."
88, " When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy."
89, " When it is possible for programmers to program in English we will find the programmers cannot write in English."
90, " The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord."
91, " One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone."
92, " If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in."
93, " At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer."
94, " If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it."
95, " To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units."
96, " Hofstadter's Law:\012 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account."
97, " Baker's Law:\012 You never want the one you can afford."
98, " Chisholm's Corollary:\012 If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will."
99, " Cole's Law:\012 Thinly sliced cabbage."
100, " Cornuelle's Law:\012 Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them."
101, " Doyle's Law:\012 No matter how many share a cab, each puts the full fare on their expense account."
102, " Drew's Law:\012 The client who pays the least complains the most."
103, " Finagle's First Law:\012 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong."
104, " Finagle's First Rule:\012 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start."
105, " Finagle's Second Rule:\012 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working."
106, " Finagle's Third Rule:\012 Always draw your curves first, then plot your data."
107, " Finagle's Fourth Rule:\012 In case of doubt, make it sound convincing."
108, " Finagle's Fifth Rule:\012 Experiments should be reproducible -- they should all fail in the same way."
109, " Finman's Principle:\012 The one you want is never the one on sale."
110, " Gattuso's Extension:\012 Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse."
111, " Gold's Law:\012 If the shoe fits, it's ugly."
112, " First Law of Tests:\012 When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible."
113, " Second Law of Tests:\012 80% of the final will be on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read."
114, " Patry's Law:\012 If you know something can go wrong and prepare, something else will go wrong."
115, " Porkingham's Law:\012 The time available to go fishing shrinks as fishing season draws near."
116, " Porkingham's Fishing Philosophy:\012 The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you."
117, " Law of the Search:\012 The first place to look for something is the last place you'd expect to find it."
118, " Williams and Holland's Law:\012 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistics."
119, " Worker's Law:\012 No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough."
120, " Worker's Corollary:\012 What you don't do is always more important than what you do."
121, " Law of the Kitchen:\012 You're always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare."
122, " Truman's Law:\012 If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
123, " Kovac's conundrum:\012 When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal."
124, " O'Toole's Axiom:\012 One child is not enough, but two are far too many."
125, " O'Toole's Commentary:\012 Murphy was an optimist."
126, " Rockefeller's Principle:\012 Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing."
127, " Olivers's Law of Location:\012 No matter where you go, there you are."
128, " First Law of Travel:\012 It always takes longer to get there than to get back."
129, " First Rule of Superior Inferiority:\012 Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them."
130, " Matsch's Law:\012 It's better to have a horrible ending that to have horrors without end."
131, " Hoffer's Law:\012 When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
132, " Thom's Law of Marital Bliss:\012 The length of marriage is inversly proportional to the cost of the wedding."
133, " Thine's Law:\012 Nature abhors people."
134, " Farnsdick's Corollary:\012 After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself."
135, " Simon's Law:\012 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later."
136, " Lee's Law:\012 In dealing with a body of people, the people will be more tacky than expected."
137, " Charnock's Law:\012 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
138, " Rev. Chichester's Law:\012 If the weather is extremely bad or extremely good, attendance will be down."
139, " Wiler's Law:\012 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some."
140, " Murray's Rule of Football:\012 Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach."
141, " Murray's Rule of Hockey:\012 Hockey is a game played by six good players and the home team."
142, " First Law of Computer Programming:\012 Any given program, when running,is obsolete."
143, " Second Law of Computer Programming:\012 Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run."
144, " Third Law of Computer Programming:\012 If a program is useful, it will have to be changed."
145, " Fourth Law of Computer Programming:\012 If a program is useless, it will have to be documented."
146, " Fifth Law of Computer Programming:\012 Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory."
147, " Sixth Law of Computer Programming:\012 The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output."
148, " Seventh Law of Computer Programming:\012 Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it."
149, " Scott's First Law:\012 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right."
150, " Scott's Second Law:\012 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to be correct originally."
151, " Evans' and Bjorn's Law:\012 No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would."
152, " Reynold's Law of Climatology:\012 Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo."
153, " Ray's precision Rule:\012 Measure with a micrometer -- Mark with chalk -- Cut with an axe."
154, " Leo Rogers' Commentary:\012 If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing."
155, " Grossman's Lemma:\012 Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday."
156, " The Green Thumb Law:\012 The life of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness."
157, " Malek's Law:\012 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way."
158, " An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys."
159, " Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
160, " Young's Law:\012 All great discoveries are made by mistake.\012\012 Young's Corollary:\012 The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake."
161, " Shirley's Law:\012 Most people deserve each other."
162, " Ferguson's Precept:\012 A crisis is when you can't say \042let's forget the whole thing.\042"
163, " Hane's Law:\012 There is no limit to how bad things can get."
164, " When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel, it will probably be a train coming toward you."
165, " When the plane you're on is late, your connecting flight is on time."
166, " Murphy's Observation:\012 When it rains, it pours."
167, " Lynch's Law:\012 When the going gets tough...everyone leaves."
168, " Bell's Theorem:\012 When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings."
169, " Muir's Law: \012 When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to the universe."
170, " Jones' Law of TV:\012 The only new show worth watching will be cancelled."
171, " Kitman's Law of TV:\012 Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen."
172, " Law of Reruns:\012 If you have watched a TV series once and watch it again, it will be a rerun."
173, " Jensen's Law:\012 Win or lose, you lose."
174, " Perkins' Postulate:\012 The bigger they are...the harder they hit."
175, " Iron Law of Distribution:\012 Them that has, gets."
176, " Steinbach's Guidline:\012 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle."
177, " Alan's Law of Force:\012 If it doesn't fit, you're not hitting it hard enough."
178, " Alan's Corollary:\012 Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane."
179, " Alan's Law of Success:\012 If at first you succeed, you have no idea what you're doing."
180, " Alan's Motto:\012 It's easier to make true enemies than true friends."
181, " Evan's Law:\012 If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you don't understand the problem."
182, " Sattinger's Law:\012 It works better if you plug it in."
184, " Seymour's Investment Principle:\012 Never invest in anything that eats."
185, " Spark's First Rule:\012 Strive to look tremendously important."
186, " Law of Gifts:\012 You get the most of what you need the least."
187, " Gillenson's Law of Expectation:\012 Never get excited over how people look from behind."
188, " Barach's Rule:\012 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician."
189, " Lord Balfour's Contention:\012 Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
190, " Anthony's Law of Force:\012 Don't force it, get a larger hammer."
191, " Cooper's Metalaw:\012 A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes."
192, " Rule of Defactualization:\012 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies."
193, " Marks' Law:\012 A fool and your money are soon partners."
194, " Futility Law:\012 No experiment is a complete failure -- it can always serve as a negative example."
195, " Seit's Law of Higher Education:\012 The one course you need for graduation is not offered your last semester."
196, " Todd's Political Principle:\012 No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money."
197, " Todd's First Law:\012 No matter what they're telling you, it's not the whole truth."
198, " Diner's Dilemma:\012 A clean tie attracts the soup of the day."
199, " Fagin's Rule:\012 Hindsight is an exact science."
200, " Hamilton's glass cleaning law:\012 The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side."
201, " Campbell's Law:\012 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter."
202, " Professor Block's Motto:\012 Forgive and Remember."
203, " Gumperson's Law:\012 The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability."
204, " Hanlon's Razor:\012 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
205, " Vail's Axiom:\012 In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchial level."
206, " Etorre's observation:\012 The other line always moves faster."
207, " Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles."
208, " Law of the Office:\012 Important letters which contain no errors will develope errors in the mail."
209, " 5th Law of the Office:\012 Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them."
210, " Kohn's Corollary:\012 Two wrongs are only the beginning."
211, " Hartley's Law:\012 You can lead a horse to water, but if you get him to float on his back, you've got something."
212, " Hartley's Second Law:\012 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself."
213, " Katz's Law:\012 Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted."
214, " Patton's Law:\012 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."
215, " Parkinson's Second Law:\012 Expenditures rise to meet income."
216, " Stitzer's Vacation Principle:\012 Take half as much clothing and twice as much money."
217, " Bell's Second Theorem:\012 The telephone will ring when you are outside the door fumbling for your keys."
218, " Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come."
219, " If it jams, force it....\012 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."
220, " Rominger's Rule for Students:\012 The more general the title of a course, the less you learn from it."
221, " Glyme's Formula:\012 The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
223, " Roger's Law: As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airliner encounters turbulence."
224, " Davis' Answer to Roger's Law:\012 Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence."
225, " Dykstra's Law:\012 Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
226, " Walter's Law of Politics:\012 A fool and his money are soon elected."
227, " Murphy's Law of Research:\012 Enough research will tend to support your theory."
228, " Deal's Sailing Law: \012 The amount of wind varies inversely with the number and experience of the crew."
229, " Knox's Principle:\012 An acquired player fades, a traded player rises to stardom."
230, " Stenderup's Law:\012 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up."
231, " Student's Law:\012 Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course."
232, " Lieberman's Law:\012 Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
233, " Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:\012 There's always one more bug."
234, " Connor's Second Law:\012 If something is confidential it will be left in the copier machine."
235, " Peer's Law:\012 The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem."
236, " Murphy's Flu Philosophy:\012 Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders."
237, " If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it."
238, " Levy's Ninth Law:\012 Only God can make a random selection."
239, " Weiner's Law of Libraries:\012 There are no answers, only cross-references."
240, " Shaw's Principle:\012 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it."
241, " Ehrman's Law:\012 Things will get worse before they get better. Who said they'll get better?"
242, " Murphy's First Law:\012 If anything can go wrong, it will."
243, " Murphy's Second Law:\012 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong."
244, " Murphy's Third Law:\012 If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway."
245, " Murphy's Fourth Law:\012 If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop."
246, " Murphy's Fifth Law:\012 Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."
247, " Murphy's Sixth Law:\012 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
248, " Murphy's Seventh Law:\012 Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."
249, " Murphy's Eighth Law:\012 Mother Nature is a bitch."
250, " Greer's Third Law:\012 A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do."
251, " Law of Life's Highway:\012 If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
252, " Law of Construction:\012 Cut it large and kick it into place."
253, " Hadley's Law of Clothing:\012 If you like it, they don't have it in your size."
254, " Bedfellows Rule:\012 The one who snores will fall asleep first."
255, " Boobs Law:\012 You always find something the last place you look."
256, " The one time of the day you lean back and relax is the one time of the day the boss walks throught the office."
257, " If it's good, they discontinued it.\012"
258, " John's Collateral Corollary:\012 In order to get a loan you must first prove that you don't need it."
259, " Meyer's Law:\012 It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple."
260, " O'Brien's Law:\012 Nothing is ever done for the right reasons."
261, " Miller's Law:\012 You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it."
262, " Sodd's Second Law:\012 Sooner or later the worst is bound to occur."
263, " Arthur's Law of Love:\012 People to whom you are attracted think you remind them of someone else."
264, " Brenda's Rule:\012 At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last."
265, " Seay's Law:\012 Nothing ever comes out as planned."
266, " Parker's Observation:\012 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone."
267, " Keep anything long enough and you can throw it away.\012 Throw it away and you will need it next day."
268, " Winger's Rule:\012 If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become the expert."
269, " The Army Axiom:\012 Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood."
270, " Hawkins' Theory:\012 Progress consists in replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong."
271, " Brintnall's Law:\012 If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both."
272, " Fahnestock's Rule:\012 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
273, " Ballance's Law of Relativity:\012 The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
274, " Matilda's Sub-Committee Law:\012 If you leave the room, you're elected."
275, " The Pet Principle:\012 No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side."
276, " The Watergate Principle:\012 Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense."
277, " Murphy's Government Law:\012 If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate."
278, " Jacob's Law:\012 To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human."
279, " Ginsberg's Theorems:\012 1. You can't win.\012 2. You can't break even.\012 3. You can't even quit the game."
280, " Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws:\012 Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in."
281, " Weiler's Law:\012 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
282, " Pierce's Law:\012 In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through."
283, " Corollary to Pierce's Law:\012 When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output."
284, " Addition to Murphy's Laws:\012 In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right... something is wrong."
285, " Brook's Law:\012 If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set!"
286, " Grosch's Law:\012 Computing power increases as the square of the cost."
287, " Golub's First Law of Computerdom:\012 Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs."
288, " Golub's Second Law of Computerdom:\012 A carelessly planned project takes three longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long."
289, " Golub's Third Law of Computerdom:\012 The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time."
290, " Golub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:\012 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress."
291, " Gilb's Frist Law of Unreliability:\012 Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable."
292, " Gilb's Second Law of Unreliability:\012 Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable."
293, " Gilb's Third Law of Unreliability:\012 Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited."
294, " Gilb's Fourth Law of Unreliability:\012 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors,or until someone insists on getting some useful work done."
295, " Troutman's Frist Postulate:\012 Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers."
296, " Troutman's Second Postulate:\012 Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered."
297, " Troutman's Third Postulate:\012 Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be."
299, " Troutman's Fifth Postulate:\012 If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it."
300, " Troutman's Sixth Postulate:\012 If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction."
301, " Mencken's Law:\012 Whenever A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a scoundrel."
302, " Mencken's Law:\012 Whenever A annoys or injures B on the pretense of saving or improving X, A is a scoundrel."
303, " Abstract Art: A product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly unknowing.\012 -- Al Capp"
304, " Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
305, " Action: The last resort of those who know not how to dream.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"
306, " Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.\042 -- Ambrose Bierce"
307, " An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.\012 -- Dylan Thomas"
308, " Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
309, " Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left."
310, " Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of."
311, " Archbishop: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
312, " Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
313, " Bore: A man who is never unintentionally rude.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"
314, " Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
315, " Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
316, " Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.\012 -- Aldous Huxley"
317, " Christian: One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
318, " Clergyman, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
319, " Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell."
320, " Conclusion: The place where you got tired of thinking."
321, " Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
322, " Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener."
323, " Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
324, " Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs."
325, " Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
326, " Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
327, " Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed."
328, " Diplomacy: Lying in state.\012 -- Oliver Herford"
329, " Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
330, " Duty, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
331, " Education: The inculcation of the incomprehensible into the indifferent by the incompetent.\012 -- John Maynard Keynes"
332, " Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
333, " Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
334, " Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers."
335, " Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
336, " Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
337, " History, n. An account, mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
338, " Historian: An unsuccessful novelist.\012 H. L. Mencken"
339, " Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
340, " Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
341, " Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion."
342, " Insanity: A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world.\012 -- R. D. Laing"
343, " Journalism is the ability to meet the challenge of filling space.\012 -- Rebecca West"
344, " Jury: A group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engangements, have failed to fool him.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
345, " Justice: A decision in your favor."
346, " Justice, n. A commodity which in a more of less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
347, " Kleptomaniac: A rich thief."
348, " Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B."
349, " Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
350, " Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
351, " Lawyer: One who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
352, " Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission."
353, " Liberal: A power worshipper without power.\012 -- George Orwell"
354, " Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date."
355, " Love: A temporary insanity cured by marriage.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
356, " Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."
357, " Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce."
358, " Marriage: A souvenir of love.\012 -- Helen Rowland"
359, " Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of."
360, " Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses."
361, " Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."
362, " New York: A third-rate Babylon.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
363, " Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills."
364, " Opera, n. A play representing life in another world whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures, and no postures but attitudes.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
365, " Optimism: The noble temptation to see too much in everything.\012 -- G. K. Chesterton"
366, " Optimism, n. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
367, " Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
368, " Oyster, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing the entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
369, " Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce."
370, " Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
371, " Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"
372, " Philadelphia: All the filth and corruption of a big city; all the pettiness and insularity of a small town.\012 -- Howard Ogden"
373, " Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
374, " Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
375, " Pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
376, " Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
377, " Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
378, " Pray, v. To ask the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
379, " Psychotherapy: The theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow, and is certainly a damned ijjit.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
380, " Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
381, " Saint, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
382, " Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
383, " Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is supicious.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
384, " Sex: The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.\012 -- John Barrymore"
385, " TANSTAAFL: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch."
386, " Television: Chewing gum for the eyes.\012 -- Frank Lloyd Wright"
387, " Television: The bland leading the bland.\012 -- Anonymous"
388, " Wedding, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
389, " Wife: A former sweetheart.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
390, " Wife: One who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
391, " Aquadextrous -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes."
392, " Backspackle -- n. Markings on the back of one's shirt from riding a fenderless bicycle."
393, " Bargus -- n. The area on the windshield that the wipers cannot reach."
394, " Bixplex -- n. Psychological block in which a person cannot choose which color of disposable lighter to purchase."
395, " Blithwapping -- v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc."
396, " Blurfle -- v. To be caught talking at the top of one's lungs when the music at the bar or disco suddenly stops."
397, " Bowlikinetics (boh lih kih neh' tiks) -- n. The act of trying to control a released bowling ball by twisting one's body in the direction one wants it to go."
398, " Burbulation -- n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on."
399, " Caffidget (ka fig' it) -- v. To break up a Styrofoam cofee cup into several hundred pieces after consuming its contents."
400, " Carperimeter (kar pur ihm' ih tur) -- n. The zone between the wall and the end of the vacuum cleaner where dirt is \042safe\042."
401, " Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance."
402, " Chipfault -- n. The stress point on a potato chip where it breaks off and stays behind in the dip."
403, " Cinemuck -- n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters."
404, " Countersaurus (kown tur sawr' us) -- n. Any person who orders two pieces of cheesecake and a Tab."
405, " Darf -- n. The least attractive side of a Christmas tree that ends up facing the wall."
406, " Dipwavers -- n. People who raise their hands when riding on roller coasters."
407, " Eastroturf (ee' stroh terf) -- n. The artificial grass in Easter baskets."
408, " Elbonics -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre."
409, " Execuglide (eks ek' yew glyd) -- v. To propel oneself about an office without getting up from the chair."
410, " Fenderberg -- n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms."
411, " Flarpswitch -- n. The one light switch in every house with no function whatsoever."
412, " Flintstep -- v. To wind up one's feet before running away in fear. Common among cartoon characters."
413, " Fods -- n. Couples at amusement parks who wear identical T-shirts, presumably to keep from getting lost."
414, " Furbling -- v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line."
415, " Genderplex -- n. The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and tortoises)."
416, " Gleemites -- n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks."
417, " Grantnap -- n. The extra five minutes of sleep you allow yourself that somehow makes all the difference in the world."
418, " Greedling -- v. Pretending to read the inscription on the birthday card when you really just want to know how much the check is for."
419, " Hudnut -- n. The leftover bolt or screw in any \042some assembly required\042 project."
420, " Idiot Box -- n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves."
421, " Kawashock -- n. Pulling into the last remaining parking spot only to discover a motorcycle there."
422, " Lodgecombing -- v. Final reconnaissance before vacating a motel room."
423, " Lactomangulation -- n. Manhandling the \042open here\042 spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the \042illegal\042 side."
424, " Magnocartic -- n. Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts."
425, " Mittsquinter -- n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there."
426, " Mustgo -- n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project."
427, " Neoice (nee oh ice') -- n. Any ice cube removed before its time that, upon close examination, resembles a carpenter's level."
428, " Nugloo (nug' lew) -- n. Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead."
429, " Oopzama -- n. Sudden scratching of scalp or face upon realization that the person you were waving at isn't who you thought it was."
430, " Pediddel -- n. A car with only one working headlight."
431, " Petribar -- n. Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long."
432, " Phosflink -- v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life)."
433, " Pigslice -- n. The last unclaimed piece of pizza that everyone is secretly dying for."
434, " PIYAN (pi' an) -- n. (acronym: \042Plus If You Act Now\042) Any miscellaneous item thrown in on a late night television ad."
435, " Purpitation -- v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section."
436, " Roebinks -- n. Those mysterious chimes you always hear in department stores."
437, " Snackmosphere -- n. The empty but explosive layer of air at the top of a potato chip bag."
438, " Snacktrek -- n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized."
439, " Spagmumps -- n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items."
440, " Spirobits -- n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook."
441, " Spirtle -- n. The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye."
442, " Squanderprint -- n. Dirctions that try to make you use up a product faster than you normally would. (Ex: Apply Shampoo. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.)"
443, " Squigger -- n. A cherry tomato that explodes upon contact with a fork."
444, " Telepression -- n. The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to \042look up the number on your own\042 and instead put the burden on the directory assistant."
445, " Toolcentric (tewl sen' trik) -- adj. Describes any tool that, when dropped, rolls to the exact center of the car's underside."
446, " Vacation Elbow -- n. A condition that suddenly develops in a father's arm during a vacation trip that allows him to reach out and slap you from incredible distances."
447, " Waftic (wahf' tik) -- adj. Describes any person in whose direction campfire or barbeque smoke always blows."
448, " Yinkel -- n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice."
449, " Zerblot -- n. The last kid picked in any neighborhood sporting event."
450, " 100 blocks of crud on the disk,\012 100 blocks of crud!\012 You patch a bug, and dump it again:\012 101 blocks of crud on the disk!..."
451, " A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
452, " A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat."
453, " A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"
454, " Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone."
455, " An elephant is a mouse with an operating system."
456, " Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.\012 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats."
457, " Bank error in your favor. Collect 200!"
458, " Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal)."
459, " Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it."
460, " Beware of low-flying butterflies."
461, " Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels."
462, " Brain fried -- Core dumped"
463, " Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."
464, " Did you know that clones never use mirrors?"
465, " Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning."
466, " Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
467, " Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued."
468, " Evangelists do it with Him watching."
469, " Flappity, floppity, flip\012 The mouse on the mobius strip;\012 The strip revolved,\012 The mouse dissolved\012 In a chronodimensional skip."
470, " Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should."
471, " George Orwell was an optimist."
472, " Give your child mental blocks for Christmas."
473, " Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks."
474, " Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof."
475, " Hail to the sun god\012 He sure is a fun god\012 Ra! Ra! Ra!"
476, " Hackers do it with all sorts of characters."
477, " Hackers do it with bugs."
478, " Hackers do it with fewer instructions."
479, " Hackers know all the right MOVs."
480, " Help! I'm trapped behind a Window!!!!"
481, " How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
482, " Hugh Hefner is a virgin."
483, " Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs."
484, " If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
485, " If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
486, " In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled."
487, " It is bad luck to be superstitious."
488, " Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday."
489, " Look out! Behind you!"
490, " Mathematicians do it in theory."
491, " Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots."
492, " Never precede any demo by a comment more predictive than \042Watch this!\042."
493, " Nihilism should commence with oneself."
494, " Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
495, " Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check."
496, " Nudists are people who wear one-button suits."
497, " Oh, dear, where can the matter be\012 When it's converted to energy?\012 There is a slight loss of parity.\012 Johnny's so long at the fair."
498, " Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address."
499, " Politicians do it to everyone."
500, " Predestination was doomed from the start."
501, " Pro is to con as progress is to Congress."
502, " Probable-Possible, my black hen,\012 She lays eggs in the Relative When.\012 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now\012 Because she's unable to postulate how.\012 -- Frederick Winsor"
503, " Procrastinators do it tomorrow."
504, " Progress is made on alternate Fridays."
505, " Q: What's an IBM man-year?\012 A: 730 people trying to get a project done before noon."
506, " Razors pain you\012 Rivers are damp;\012 Acids stain you;\012 And drugs cause cramp.\012 Guns aren't lawful;\012 Nooses give;\012 Gas smells awful;\012 You might as well live.\012 -- Dorothy Parker"
507, " Remember now, no more jokes about eununchs."
508, " Science is true. Don't be misled by facts."
510, " SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\012 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!"
511, " Software makes hardware happen."
512, " Statisticians do it with 95% confidence."
513, " Statisticians probably do it."
514, " Superiority is recessive."
515, " Tangent tangent cosine sine\012 Three point one four one five nine\012 Caltech! Caltech! Rah!"
516, " Test makers do it sometimes/always/never."
517, " The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work."
518, " The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps.\012 The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice."
519, " The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group."
520, " The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee straining to land under a car, just out of reach."
521, " The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.\012 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind."
522, " The shortest distance between two points is off the wall."
523, " The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
524, " The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune."
525, " \042There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.\042"
526, " There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects."
527, " This fortune intentionally left blank."
528, " Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate."
529, " Those who can't write, write manuals."
530, " To be is to do\012 -- Hegel\012 To do is to be\012 -- Marx\012 Do be do be do\012 -- Sinatra"
531, " UNIX is like sex - if you've tried it, you can't get along without it, if you haven't you really have no idea what the fuss is about."
532, " Wasting time is an important part of living."
533, " Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
534, " Xerox never comes up with anything original."
535, " You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance."
536, " You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself."
537, " You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry."
538, " Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you."
539, " When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
