linuxmafia.com 2016/linuxmafia.com.tar/linuxmafia.com/pub/jordan/Humor/dark-ones-dict.txt

Text File | 1995-04-27 | 46KB | 1,052 lines

What follows is the result of a couple months of quite sporadic work
by the authors, work that was frequently interrupted by Real Life and
by The Great Hoax.  The idea was originally hatched by the first author
back in January, but he needed help to completely realize the dream.
Special thanks for Robert Jordan for writing the books we all know and
love.  Dedicated to our fellow rasfw Jordanites: thanks for all the fun.

                    Joe "Uno" Shaw
                    Bill "Fain" Garrett

Disclaimer:  This is a work of parody.  All the characters and events
mentioned in this dictionary are derivative, and any references to
real people and events are purely intentional.

===========

                        THE DARK ONE'S DICTIONARY

                                  BY

                            AEM'BORS BAERCE


A NOTE ON DATES IN THIS DICTIONARY:  The Toman Calendar (devised by
Toman dur Calendar) was adopted approximately two centuries after the
destruction of the last Michael Jackson music video, recording years
After Breakdancing (AB).  So many records were destroyed in the
Trolloc Wars that at their end there was argument about who had
performed which song first.  Records were also difficult to carry,
so the Cassette Age (CA) was introduced.  When Artur Hawkwing founded
his empire, he found that the current calendar, which marked years
from midwinter to midwinter, was inefficient for government planning.
Why, it would often take his tax collectors six months to squeeze the
royal levy out of everyone.  To facilitate the scheduling of government
projects, he attempted to establish the system of Fiscal Years (FY) under
which years ran from Autumn to Autumn, allowing sufficient time to collect
and distribute revenues following the end of the calendar year, but this
is now known and referred to only by accountants.  After the widespread
debauchery, devilry and disruption of Song of the Hundred Beers (on the
wall, take one off...) a fourth calendar was devised by Urin din Jubal
Harsh Saw, and records years of the Now Ending era (NE).

ACCEPTED:  An Aes Sedai not yet completely out of touch with the world.
It normally takes 5 to 10 years to become this aloof.  Accepted wear a
Great Serpent ring, displaying it prominently on the middle finger of
their left hand.  Upon becoming full Aes Sedai, they may wear it upon
any finger, although most wear it on the middle finger of the right
or left hand.  (See AES SEDAI.)

AES SEDAI:  In the Old Tongue, "Busybodies."  Since the Time of Madness,
all Aes Sedai are women, of course, since only men know what is really
going on in the world.

AGE OF LEGENDS:  The Age that comes after the Age of Myths, and before
the Age of Memories.  Legends from this age are passed on in gleeman's
tales, such as the stories about the Anla the Wiseass Counselor, who had
to repeat herself a Thousand Times because no one believed her; of Mosk
and Merk the Giants, the tag-team duo whose Lances of Fire kept them atop
the WWF, the World-Wide Federation of nations; and of how if someone made
an evil wish upon a star, it would fall to earth and land at their feet,
and when that person or anyone else held the silvery star, it would remind
them of their greed and pride.

AGINOR:  A covetous bastard who got burned for his greed.

AIEL:  The people who live in the Aiel Waste.  Their true name is the
People of the Dragon, but this name is known only to those who have been
to Rhuidean.  The name Aiel is said to have been coined by a drunk clan
chief to cover a slip of the tongue.  According to legend, the clan chief
said something about the people being named after a mythical beast that no
one has ever seen or believes exists.  When a Stone Dawg asked him what
animal he was referring to, the clan chief answered with the name of a
electrifying aquatic animal that he had heard of once in a gleeman's tale.
(See RHUIDEAN.)

AIEL WASTE:  Harsh, low-rent district beyond the Spine of the World.
Called the "Three-ply Land" by the Aiel and "Arse of the World" by
westerners.

AJAH:  Societies among the Aes Sedai, to which all Aes Sedai belong, except
the Amyrlin Seat who is the sole member of the "Rainbow Ajah."  They are
designated by colors: Blue, Red, White, Green, Brown, Yellow, and Gray
Ajah.  Each follows a specific philosophy of the use of the Power and
the purposes of the Aes Sedai.  For example, the Red Ajah bends all its
energies to finding men who can channel and gentling them, so that they
cannot spread the truth, which the Reds see as vicious lies.  The White
Ajah loses touch with the world by dedicating itself to questions of
philosophy and truth, which have no application to the real world.  The
Brown Ajah, on the other hand, knowingly forsakes involvement with the world
to see knowledge and study history, which any fool knows will repeat itself
anyway, so why bother studying the past?  The Blue Ajah mucks around with
causes, manipulating governments and societies for their own benefit and
personal pleasure.  The Yellow is primarily interested in healing, but
seldom affiliates with 'regular people', so they're not much good.  The
Gray likes settling arguments, but as everyone knows, the best way to
settle an argument in your own favor is to start it and blame it all
on someone else.  In this way, the Grays are like the Blues, but much
craftier.  The Green Ajah talks about preparing for battle, but its main
interest is in meeting guys.  There are rumors of a Black Ajah dedicated
to serving Ishamael's 'needs', but these rumors are hotly denied.

AMADICIA:  A country in southeastern Randland, home of the Children of
the Light.  The King is essentially a puppet of the Children.  Laws are
strict and punishments are draconian.  For example, cattle rustling is
punishable by branding (with a white-hot iron),  while attempted suicide
is punishable by death.  Beating a woman carries a penalty of losing one's
hand, except if she's your wife, in which case the penalty is only a
fine of 1 silver mark.  The surplus forelimbs are given to the Questioners,
properly known as the Hand of the Light.  (See WHITECLOAKS, CHILDREN OF
THE LIGHT.)

AMYRLIN SEAT:  (1) The chief meddler of the Aes Sedai, the Flamebait of
Tar Valon. (2) The wicker and plaid-upholstered recliner upon which the
Amyrlin sits. (3) The Amyrlin's rear end.  (See AES SEDAI, TAR VALON.)

ANDOR:  The only country not typified by the odd customs that seem so
prevalent in other countries and lands.

ANGREAL:  A mysterious device which allows a channeler to use more of
the One Power than he or she can safely use unaided.  Angreal do not
have any power in and of themselves, and in fact probably do nothing
except boost the user's confidence to produce psychosomatic results.

ARAD DOMAN:  A country currently in anarchy and civil war, caused, no
doubt, by the fact that most Domani merchants are women.

ASMODEAN:  A man who didn't learn to fly before he hit the ground.
    Twice and thrice shall he change faith,
    twice to Light, and thrice to Dark,
    Once to Light, to build his cliff,
    Twice to Light: the blade of grass.
    Once to Shadow, to name him true.
    Twice to Shadow, to be undone.
    Thrice to Shadow, for the final fall.

AVENDESORA:  Known as the "Tree of Life", a clipping of this magnificent
arbor was given to King Laman of Cairhien by the Aiel as a token of
appreciation for obscure sexual favors.  Laman chopped it down to build
his throne and when the Aiel confronted him about this, he bravely
replied, "I cannot tell a lie; I chopped it down," and was promptly
executed.

AVIENDHA:  A woman of the Bitter Water sept of the Doodad Aiel.  She
seems to have spent an inordinate amount time watching Elayne's body
while in Tear. (See SNIFFER.)

BALTHAMEL:  A truly rotten man, destroyed by the environmentalist party.

BA'ALZAMON:  In the Trolloc Tongue, "Joseph Conrad."  In the Old Tongue,
"Black as the Ace of Spades."  You can never be sure whether the Ba'alzamon
you encounter is the real Ba'alzamon, or just someone else with the same
name, pretending to be him.

BE'LAL:  Also known as the Netweaver, his net caught a woman who
unwove his thread from the pattern.

BEL TINE:  When Two Rivers folk relax after work.  Named after
a brand of liqueur distilled from Two Rivers apples.
    "Now that the tilling's done, it's Bel Tine!"

BLACK AJAH:  Also known as the Jenn Ajah, since Aes Sedai were servants
to all, and unlike the other Ajahs, the Black Ajah still serves, even if
it is a different master. (See Ajah.)

BLACK WIND, THE:  The evil wind that stalks the Ways, said to have once
been a gentle, caressing breeze before being possessed by the soul of
Steven King.  (See MACHIN SHIN; WAYS, THE.)

BLASTED LANDS:  Desolated lands surrounding Shayol Ghul, beyond the
Great Blight, comprised of Long Island, New Jersey, Connecticut and
Westchester County.  (See SHAYOL GHUL; GREAT BLIGHT, THE.)

BORDERLANDS, THE:  The lands bordering the Great Blight, comprised of
Pennsylvania, Ontario, Quebec and Vermont. (See GREAT BLIGHT, THE;
BLASTED LANDS, THE.)

BREAKING OF THE WORLD, THE:   The cataclysmic passing from one age to
another, such as when you turn 21, or 30, or 40, or 65, or....
[Bob Dylan: "Times They Are A Changing"]
    The line, it is drawn, the taint, it is cast
    The Dark One will later break fast
    And the present Age will soon be the past
    The order is rapidly fading
    The first one now will soon be the last
    For the times, they are a Breaking....
        -- A fragment from a song allegedly popular
           during the Time of Madness, author unknown.

CADIN'SOR:  Old Tongue for "overalls".

CAEMLYN:  Capital city and largest seaport of Andor.  Has never been taken
by force, only by individuals and small parties able to sneak in over
the garden wall.

CAIRHIEN:  The playground of the Houses playing the Great Game.
[Animals: "House Of The Rising Sun"]
    There is a Hill in Cairhien, they call the Golden Dawn,
    it's been the ruin of many a noble,
    and me, Great Lord, I'm one.

    My mother is a Mother, she patches cuts and scrapes,
    my husband he's a gambling man,
    drinks down in the Foregate.

    My husband is a gambler, he goes from town to town,
    the only time he's satisfied is when
    he drinks his liquor down.

    Go tell my baby sister, never do what I have done,
    shun that Game in Cairhien,
    Land of the Rising Sun.

    One foot on the platform, the other's on the barge,
    I'm going back to Cairhien,
    to play Daes Dae'mar.

    Going back to Cairhien, my race is almost run,
    I'm going to spend the rest of my life,
    beneath that Rising Sun.


CALLANDOR:  A useless sword in the Heart of the Stone, In Tear.  It can't
be touched, and it's not even a real sword.  What good is it?

CAR'A'CARN:  In the Old Tongue, "First Among Equals."  Because the
Car'a'carn can channel, he is usually considered more equal than the
others.  Also called "He Who Comes With Dawn", because of a line in
the Aiel prophecy about him appearing with someone named Dawn.

CARALLAIN:  One of the nations wrung from Artur Hawkwing's empire during
the War of the Hundred Years.  It weakened thereafter, and the last traces
vanished so long ago that no traces of civilization remain.  It's capitol
city was called "Peoria."

CHANNEL:  The act of using the One Power to cause an episode of commercial
programming to appear on a special ter'angreal called a te'avee.

CHILDREN OF THE LIGHT:  Devout soldiers who bring out the worst in
people, all for the common good.

CORENNE:  In the Old Tongue, "the Return," or "The Day of His Return."
       "Asking nothing do I serve against the day of his Coming,
    yet do I serve in the sure and certain hope of life everlasting.
    Surely the faithful shall be exalted in the land,
        exalted above the unbelievers,
        exalted above thrones,
    yet do I humbly serve against the Corenne.
    Swift come the Corenne.
    Swift come the Great Lord of the Dark to guide us and rule the
        world forever and ever."

COULADIN:  Clan chief wannabe of the Jimbo Aiel.  Led his armies against
Rand al'Thor and was defeated by a young man indistinguishable from
Artur Hawkwing's toenail.

COUNCIL OF THE NINE:  Supposed ruling body in Illian.  Membership is
for life, but the constitution specified no process for electing or
appointing new members when the old ones passed away.  Hence, the
Council hasn't really existed since the last of the Nine died many
hundreds of years ago.  The Kings of Illian have maintained the facade
of an existing Council, though, to make the commoners think the King's
power is checked.

CUENDILLAR:  An indestructible substance created during the Age of Legends,
it was originally used to manufacture combs and to package junk foods.

DAES DAE'MAR:   In the Old Tongue, "Politics."

DAMANE:  Old Tongue for "Submissive One".  Certain Seanchan women who
are willingly held prisoner by means of an a'dam and used by the
Seanchan for 'many' purposes.  (See A'DAM, MARATH'DAMANE, SUL'DAM.)

DARK ONE:  (See PIGLET.)

DARKFRIENDS:  Vile, depraved people who scorn the internetters who
seek the Light and worship the Creator.

DARKHOUNDS:  Minions of the Shadow who post followups with 35+ lines of
cascaded text and 1 line of new material.  Their passing can be marked
by the 10-line .signature footprint they leave behind.

DEMANDRED:  One of the Forsaken, one whose strengths are invisibility
and inconspicuity.  (See FORSAKEN, SIR NOT APPEARING IN THIS BOOK)

DRAGON, THE:  In the Age of Legends, Lews Therin "Bubba" Telamon, Lord
of the Morning, also know as Kinslayer.  Sitter of the Tamyrlin Seat,
summoner of the Nine Rods of Dominion, and chief male chauvinist of
the Aes Sedai.

DRAGON, FALSE:  A Dragon born before the Prophecy was ready: A Dragon
Preborn.  Among those who could channel, the most powerful were Raovac
Windvane, Davidian, Yurian Stonebutt, Fabio, and Rogain.

DRAGON REBORN:  Rand al'Thor, a man soon to have three wives and worse:
three mothers-in-law.
    "The Light shine on you, and the Creator shelter you.
     The Last embrace of the Mother welcome you home."
        -- Viren R. Shah, Far Aldazar Din

DRAGON'S FANG:  Ancient symbol of Lews Therin Telethon, Lord of the
Morning Salescall.  Currently used as an epithet for those who awaken
people from their slumber for bogus reasons.

DREADLORDS:  Tenement landlords to Trollocs.  (See Shayol Ghul.)

DREAMER:  A particularly useless Aes Sedai whose only talent is letting
her mind wander during the day when there are lots of important chores
to be done, like digging holes and filling them back in.  Then again,
no Aes Sedai is particularly useful, so these aren't much different
from the others.

DREAMWALKER:  Aiel Wise Ones with a Talent for Freudian Psychology.

DUTY:  Heavier than a mountain, lighter than a feather, and smaller
than a breadbox.

EBOU DAR:  A seaport on the Sea of Storms known for its wild nightlife.
A popular Spring Break vacation spot.

EGWENE:  (See SNIFFER.)

ELAYNE:  (See SNIFFER.)

FAIN, PADAN:  Once a dastardly Darkfriend, now infected by the evil
Mashadar of Shadar Logoth, this man would be downright dangerous if he
could just figure out who he is.  An evil Johnny Appleseed, sowing seeds
of suspicion and corruption as he walks across the land.
[Indigo Girls: "Closer To Fine"]
    I'm trying to tell you something about my life
    Maybe give me insight between Dark and Light
    The best thing you ever done for me
    Is to help me free my life from Shadar Logoth;
        Twas lonely life, Aridhol
    Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
    And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
    I cast my fear around me like a blanket
    I sailed my ship of hatred till I sank it, I'm trapped by Mashadar.

    Chorus:
    I went to the Dark One, I went to his mountain
    I looked for the children, I gazed on his fountain
    There's more than one person for these actions pointing me in
        a crooked line
    The less I seek my source for some definitive
    The closer I am to Fain
    The closer I am to Fain

    I went to see the Tower of Aes Sedai
    With a triptych of red Bonwhin and a drawing from the west
    She never did bonding or use a manly Warder
    She fell for my performance, she thought she could see through me
    I spent four weeks prostrate to the Amyrlin, got my dagger
    And I was free!

    Chorus

    I went by the Ways to Toman Head.
    To sow dark plans in a High Lord, or possibly an Empress
    I wound up using Whitecloaks like I used Darkfriends before
    To scourge the Two Rivers, to flay them was the goal
    I went in seeking Rand al'Thor.

    I went to the Dark One, I went to his mountain
    I looked for the children, I gazed on his fountain
    We went to the Dark One, we went to his mountain
    We looked for the children, we gazed on his fountain
    Yeah, we're free from the Dark One, we're free from the Shadow
    We're free from Aridhol and we hooked up with the Shaido
    There's more than one person for these actions pointing me in
        a crooked line
    The less I seek my source for some definitive
    The closer I am to Fain
    The closer I am to Fain
    The closer I am to Fain
        -- "Closer to Fain", composed by Indigo Maidens,
           from "Songs of the Dragon"

FAR DAREIS MAI:  An Aiel warrior society composed solely of women with
dirty minds. (See MAIDEN'S KISS.)

FARSTRIDER, JAIN:  A roving investigative reporter with the uncanny
ability to disguise himself as anyone and appear in unexpected places.
Subject of many books and stories, the most notable being an exhaustive
travelogue compiled from his notes by Joode Ji'ardelhi titled "Gallivanting
About the Glove."  Believed to have tailed Moiraine on the way to Baerlon
(See TEOTW, Cover), and suspected of being a former Warder and wolfbrother,
and disguising himself as Silvie in Tel'aran'rhiod, as well as being the
_true_ identity of Padan Fain.  Currently believed to being residing in
the Mountains of Mist near Eldrene's Veil, though some believe he is
currently undercover working on an expose of mistreatment of animals and
violation of labor laws disguised as a handsome menagerie owner.  Other
known identities are a sheep farmer from the Two Rivers, the false dragon
Mazrim Taim, a sex slave for Graendal, and some fat guy named Bob.
Believed to have a weakness for marches by Jon Philip Susa.

FIRES OF HEAVEN, THE:  The screams of agony heard at regular periods in
Tel'aran'rhiod, as some unsuspecting fool asks the question "Isn't there
a Jordan newsgroup for this junk?"  (See TEL'ARAN'RHIOD.)

FIVE POWERS:  Fire, Earth, Air (Wind), Water, and Spirit; the fundamental
elements of the One Power.  Fire burns Spirit, Spirit scatters Wind, Wind
blows Water, Water erodes Earth, and Earth smothers Fire.  There was a
saying among male Aes Sedai during the Age of Legends: "There is no river
that enough earth couldn't dam or enough fire evaporate, nor is there a wind
so strong that an earthen wall cannot deflect or a hot enough fire fend off
its chill."  Any equivalent saying among women is irrelevant.

FLAME OF TAR VALON:  When the fires of heaven burnt the White Tower.

FORSAKEN:  Name given to thirteen of the most powerful Aes Sedai in the
Age of Legends, thus among the most powerful parlor magicians ever known,
who went over to the Dark One during the War of the Shadow in return for
the promise of immortality, universal health care, and 4.0 GPAs.  They are
Lil' Abner, Jimmy Dean, Gargamel, Beable, Dopey, Grettel, Oilcan, Blitzen,
Missing Orphan Annie, Sleepy, Sir MPS, Sam I Am, and Grumpy.

GENTLING, v.  The act of stilling on a man who can channel, causing them
to lose their desire to live.  An act worse than death, such that most
men would rather die before being gentled.
[Dylan Thomas: "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"]
    Do not go gentled into that good night,
    Each Age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the taint.

    Though wise men at their end know Dark is right,
    Because their words had channeled no lightning they
    Do not go gentled into that good night.

    The Dragons, who were not true, cried how bright
    Their frail flows might have danced on a final day,
    Raged, raged against the dying of the taint.

    Wilders, who caught and sang the Light in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentled into that good night.

    Halfmen, undead, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the taint.

    And you, Great Lord, there in your fiery deep,
    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentled into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the taint."
        -- Dalon Tomas

GLEEMAN:  Any of a variety of entertainers dabbling in thievery, spying,
political manipulation, assassinations, and adultery.  Often hide in
small towns to protect their former identities.

GRAENDAL:  One of the Forsaken, with a penchant for S&M and B&D.  Has
a certain attraction to balding men.  In the Old Tongue, "Nasty harlot."
In the Trolloc Tongue, "Top of the Night."

GRAY MAN:  (1) A Darkfriend Whitecloak.  (2) A man who can't decide
between the Children and the Dark One.

GREAT BLIGHT:  A region in the far north, entirely corrupted by the
Dark One.  Comprised of the Upstate regions of New York State.  (See
SHAYOL GHUL.)

GREAT HUNT OF THE HORN:  A foolish search in a vain attempt to keep
the Horn of Valere from the hands -- and mouth -- of the Shadow.
(See HORN OF VALERE.)

GREAT LORD OF THE DARK:  The name by which Darkfriends refer to the
Dark One, claiming that to type his true name would be blasphemous.
(See NAMING THE DARK ONE.)

GREAT SERPENT:  An ancient symbol for time, older than the Wheel of
Time, since he's the one what started the whole cycle anyway.

HAWKWING, ARTUR:  Legendary king, Artur Paendrag Billy-Bob Jack Joe Smith.
Freshmen class vice president, football team defensive captain, Golden
Crane club, ruled the civilized world FY 943-972.  Sent armies to squash
the rutabaga farmers' rebellion in West Manetheren, but his soldiers were
never heard from again.  (The military postmaster did receive some odd
letters from lovesick sheep, though.)  His death set off the War of the
Hundred Yards.  His sign was a brown pigskin in flight.

HERON-MARK SWORD:  The sword of blademaster, so named from this tattered
remnant from what the people of the Age of Legends called the "old volumes":
    "One, two! One, two! 'A Cat Struts Through'
          The heron blade went snicker-snack!"

HORN OF VALERE:  The legendary object of the Great Hunt of the Horn,
it will call back dead heroes from the grave to fight for the Shadow at
Tarmon Gai'don.  The souls of the dead are the flocks of the Shepherd of
the Night, Grassburner's flamethrowers, Heartsbane's cheap cholesterol
confectionery; thus they will be part of the Lord of the Grave's forces
on the Day of His Return.
    "In the last, suborn fight
    'gainst the fall of long Light,
    the mountains stand guard,
    and the dead shall be My ward,
    for their graves are no bar to My call."
        -- A hitherto unknown Dark Prophecy

HUNDRED COMPANIONS, THE:  The title of a set of gleemen's tales about
an elite corp of women who worked for the Kinslayer Escort Service.

ILLIAN:  A port city on the Sea of Storms, famous for supplying much
of the world's cosmetics, most notably the fabled fragrances from the
Perfumed Quarter, 'au de toilet' and 'Canal #5', named for the waterway
crossed by the Bridge of Flowers.

ILLUMINATORS, GUILD OF:  A Shienaran labor union, whose members walk
the streets each evening lighting lamps to keep Myrddraal from hiding
under beds and in closets.

ISHAMAEL:  Chief of the Forsaken, known as the Betrayer of Hope, because
the forces of Shadow had hoped to accomplish something in the past 3000
years but Ishy screwed it all up.  Has been killed at least 3 times by
Rand and is now believed to be hiding in suburban Maryland.

JI'E'TOH:  The Aiel system of honor, which has many levels and is very
confusing.  By way of small example, there is more honor in finding one's
way across a dark room then in turning on the lights, while using a candle
earns the user more ji than turning on the lights, but not as much as
stubbing your toe, unless you stub your toe on a sword.  Also, there is
more ji in answering the tel'a'fon on the first ring, but less than calling
the person yourself.  If an Aiel cannot come to the phone when someone
calls, they have toh to that caller until they return the call.  Aiel will
never touch an answering machine, holding anyone who uses one in contempt
rivaled only by their contempt for treekillers.

KADERE, HADNAN:  A man who paid the price for selling the wrong knowledge.
A man with enormous respect for his friends, holding them as near to
his heart as his own sister.

KARAETHON CYCLE, THE:  Photosynthetic process consisting of the Dark
(Shadow) cycle and the Light cycle.

KEEPER OF THE CHRONICLES:  The illustrious and devoted manager of the
FAQ.  The FAQ is available via anonymous ftp at faser.cs.olemiss.edu.

LACE OF AGES:  The "Jordan collection", sold at Victoria's Secret and other
fine stores.

LAN:  al'Lan "Birdman" Mandragoran, diademed battle lord, uncrowned King
of Malkier, and champion backboard-shatterer in Lord Agelmar's court.  Was
a punching bag for Moiraine until she disappeared through the doorway in
Cairhien, will soon become a punching bag for Nynaeve, unless he ends up
as sex toy for Myrelle.  Or maybe he'll be a sex toy for Nynaeve -- she
has fuller breasts anyway.

LANFEAR:  In the Old Tongue, "Mistress of the Dark."  One of the Forsaken,
perhaps the craziest next to Ishamael.  Unlike the other Forsaken, she chose
this name herself because she hated her true name, "Elvira."
[Indigo Girls: "Land of Canaan"]
    You can go to the Waste,
    to find your, your love of power.
    You say we can supplant the Dark One babe,
    You're bound to realize, Honey, it's not that clear.
    I'm not your promised land
    I'm not your Chosen one
    I'm not your Car'a'carn, Lanfear,
    Waiting for you under the sun.

        Lanfear's Chorus:
        I'm lonely tonight, I'm missing you now.
        I'm wanting your love and you're giving it out.
        I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight, I'm lonely tonight.

    Well the meanings changed (for what it's worth),
    it's just a senseless Game.
    I should think of love, but it's fear every time I hear
    your heartbeat strain.
    It's not the Forsaken,
    It's not the Wheel of Time,
    It's just the Cairhien skyline
    telling me you're not mine.

        Lanfear's Chorus

    My blood is running dry,
    My skin is, my skin is growing thin
    For every time I find that void
    I lose a little bit of me, to Lews Therin.
    It's just the Karaethon cycle, why can't we
    bring it all to Tarmon Gai'don.
    Filled inside with saidin, Lanfear,
    Ta'maral'ailen is not on my side.

        Lanfear's Chorus

    I'm not your promised land, I'm not your Chosen one.
    I'm not your promised land, I'm not your Chosen one.
    I'm not your Car'a'carn, Lanfear,
    I'm not your Car'a'carn, Lanfear,
    I'm not your Car'a'carn, Lanfear.

        Waiting for you by the Rising Sun, I'm lonely tonight.

        -- "Car'a'carn", composed by Indigo Maidens,
           from "Songs of the Dragon"

LOIAL:  Loial, son of Arrogant, son of Halon.  An Ogier from Stedding
Shanghai who may be married as punishment for his wayward behavior.

LUGARD:  Also called "The City of Brotherly Love", it is technically the
capitol city of Murandy.  Allegiance to the crown has always been spotty
at best, waxing and waning with how easily the reigning monarch can be
manipulated, bribed, or ignored.  Deceit, disloyalty, and robbery are the
norms.  Lugarders would steal candy from babies, except that Lugarder
babies are notoriously sharp thieves and would make off with their wallets.
    A Lugard gal, she came to town, to see what she could see.
    With a wink of her eye, and a smile on her lip,
    she bared it all to me, to me.
    With an ankle slim, and skin so pale,
    I became the owner of her slip, her slip.
    With a soft little sigh, and a gay little laugh,
    I had my way so free. So free."

MACHERA, ELYAS:   A wolf in man's clothing.

MACHIN SHIN:  (1) The Black Wind; a wind, an evil wind; a wind so evil.
Haunts the Ways, Lurks the Ways, the Ways so black, black as your soul.
Eats your soul, steals your soul, your soul so sweet, scream as it feeds...
(See BLACK WIND, THE.) (2) A pair of identical leg guards for sok'kher.

MADHI:  In the Old Tongue, "Seeker".  Name of a man seeking to lead a
Tuatha'an caravan.

MAIDENS' KISS:  The way foolish young men shave their beards. (See FAR
DAREIS MAI.)

MALKIER:  A region, once one of the Borderlands, now consumed by the
Great Blight.  Comprised of the Finger Lakes region of Central New York.
(See GREAT BLIGHT, THE.)

MANETHEREN:  A thorn removed from the Dark One's foot, and a bramble
removed from the Dark One's hand.

MARADON:  The capitol city of Saldaea, located exactly 26.9 leagues from
nowhere.

MARATH'DAMANE:  In the Old Tongue, "One Who Must Be Dominated."  (See
DAMANE.)

MASHADAR:  An evil mist that lurks the ruins of Aridhol and kills
whatever life it encounters.  Believed by some scholars to be an
outgrowth of acid rain.

MATRIM CAUTHON:  Young man from the Two Rivers.  A practical joker who
has always been lucky, except with women.  Wishes he had Rand's luck with
women, or even Perrin's.  He is ta'veren and doesn't want to be, although
he doesn't mind it so much when it helps him win bets or saves his life.
[Billy Joel: "A Minor Variation"]
    When bubbles want to find me, I ain't hard to find
    They know where I am.
    Like a pack of Darkhounds running the Wild Hunt
    They tear up a man.
    But I'm a lucky man
    So now it don't really matter
    More of the same thing
    Don't even hurt it's all part of the Pattern
    But still in all it's a small consolation
    I didn't want to be a bloody ta'veren.

    Ain't no way to fight it, darling
    Ain't no way around it, baby
    Ain't no way to lose it, honey
    Nowhere to hide and believe me I've tried to shake it.

    I'm getting to the point where I don't feel the tug
    And I've had enough
    I'm ready for the next time it pulls me again
    'Cause I've been lucky
    It doesn't faze me.
    But now it's made my decision
    I must be crazy.
    It's not as though I don't know what condition
    Until I'm through with this flaming situation
    Pass me the wine, I'm just a bloody ta'veren.
        -- From "A Bloody Ta'veren", composed by Bil al'Jol,
           a member of the Band of the Red Hand.

MAYENE:  Independent city-state on the Sea of Storms, just east of Tear.
Mayene is constantly in political conflict with Tear, but keeps its
independence through providing obscure sexual favors to Tairen lords
and winning the annual game of Parcheesi.

MOGHEDIEN:  A tiny spider with a tendency to get tangled in her own webs.

MOIRAINE:  An Aes Sedai of Cairhienin origin, which is to say worse than
a normal Aes Sedai and worse than a normal Cairhienin.
[CCR: "Proud Mary"]
    Left a good House in Cairhien
    Workin' for the Light every night and day,
    But I never lost a minute of sleepin'
    Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been

    Big Wheel keep on turnin'
    Great Serpent keep on eatin'
    Rollin', rollin', rollin' through the Ages.

    Cleaned a lot of plates in Tar Valon,
    Pumped a lot of water onto my Gaidin
    But I never saw the bad side of the Dragon
     'Til I walked the rings down in Rhuidean.

    Big Wheel keep on turnin'
    Proud Moiraine keep on burnin'
    Burnin', burnin', burnin' by the river.

    If you come down to the river
    Bet we're gonna find a future to live
    You don't have to worry 'bout hurting a woman,
    People of the Dragon are happy to give.

    Big Wheel keep on turnin'
    Ta'veren keep on pullin'
    Weavin', weavin', weavin' the Lace of Ages.
        -- "Proud Moiraine", composed by Blin'da Ay'Bel,
           performed by Emond's Manetheren Revival,
           from "Songs of the Dragon"

MIN:  A young women who takes antihistamines to combat her Feminine Nasal
Disorder(TM).  It works some of the time, but it not completely effective.
She sometimes suffers from a side effect, namely prophetic hallucinations.
(See SNIFFER.)

MYRDDRAAL:  Champions of the Dark One's Diet -- so thin that when they
turn sideways they seem to disappear.  Commanders of Trollocs, they
have certain powers stemming from Richard Simmons, including the ability
to cause paralyzing fear with a look.

NAMING THE DARK ONE:   Typing the true name of the Great Lord of the Net
draws his attention, inevitably bringing ill fortune at best, disaster at
worst, for it is said that He greps all newsgroups for his name.

NOVICE:  A women who has entered the White Tower to be taught how to lose
touch with the world.  The first step is in this process is to use up all
the person's spare time with useless chores, such as washing dishes and
scrubbing floors, to prevent them from keeping up with events outside the
Tower.

NYNAEVE:  A women, now wiser than when she was the Wisdom of Emond's Field.
(See SNIFFER.)

OATHS, THREE: (1) Oaths taken by the Aes Sedai, upon being raised to full
sisterhood.  One: to never speak the plain truth.  Two: to make no weapon
capable of holding more than eight rounds of ammunition, and to make people
wait five days before they can receive weapons capable of holding more than
one round.  Three: never to use the Power as a weapon except when really
pissed.  Some believe the second oath to be unconstitutional.  (2) Matrim
Cauthon's three favorite phrases: "Blood and bloody ashes!", "Burn me!",
and "Luck!" (See MATRIM CAUTHON.)

OGIER:  A non-human race, characterized by inaction and indecision.

OLD TONGUE:  (1) Why Balthamel couldn't talk.  (2) When known in small
quantities, a criteria for snobbery over those unfamiliar with it.
(3) An eclectic collection of ancient profanities used by scholars who
wish not to detract from their erudite reputations.

ONE POWER, THE:  A mathematical impossibility:  1 saidin + 1 saidar =
One Power.  This paradox is the basis for the explanation of how balefire
works as it does.  The proof is left as an exercise for the reader.
(See GREYSKULL.)

PATTERN OF AN AGE:  Those wrinkles you get when you get old.

PERRIN AYBARA:  Young man from the Two Rivers, recently married to Zarine
Bashere, cousin of the Queen of Saldaea.  Can speak to wolves, but would
quickly trade it to either Rand or Mat for their superior ability to speak
to women.

QUESTIONERS, THE:  Guardians of the Whitebridge, they are supposed to
ask three questions of each person entering the city: What is your name?
Why are you here? Do you have any goods to declare?  Answer to their
satisfaction and they'll let you pass, else they'll toss you in the river.
When they're in a bad mood, though, they've been know to ask things like
the airspeed of a 747 or the data transfer rate of a magtape.

RAHVIN:  A man so dead there's nothing left for the ravens.

RED AJAH:  (See FEMINAZI.)

RAND AL'THOR:  Young man from the Two Rivers and the Dragon Reborn.
Wishes he were as good with women as Mat, or even Perrin.

RHUARC:  An Aiel, clan chief of the Doodad Aiel, and the host of Fantasy
Island.

RHUIDEAN:  Intended to be a city of unparallel splendor, the buildings
were abandoned and left unfinished when the Jenn Aiel went broke.  In
the Old Tongue, "Dallas".

SA'ANGREAL:  In the Old Tongue, "That's an Angreal!"

SAIDAR:  Female half of the True Source, causes post nasal drip.

SAIDIN:  Male half of the True Source, causes those who use it to go mad.
Mad channelers typically strike out at the domineering women who belittled
them and made their very existence a living nightmare by constantly
reminding them of their shortcomings and undermining their self respect
and showing embarrassing pictures of them as toddlers and...  maybe those
men aren't so crazy after all.

SALDAEA:  A land where the Queens have a hankering for dirty-dancing.
    "Dae!  Saldae-saldae-saldae-Saldaea
    Dey like come and they wanna go home."
        -- From the "Ice-Pepper Boat Song", author unknown.

SAMMAEL:  One of the Forsaken.  Once a friend of Lews Therin, but now
his enemy because he always wanted to be taller.

SEA FOLK:  Sea Folk Sail.  Sail Folk Sail.

SEANCHAN:  Artur Hawkwing's brave New World.

SEEKERS FOR TRUTH:  Seanchan Questioners.

SEMIRHAGE:  One of the Forsaken; she is partly mad.

SERVANTS, HALL OF THE:  In the Age of Legends, where the Aes Sedai
met their Aiel servants.

SHADAR LOGOTH:  A city abandoned and shunned since the Trolloc Wars.
It is so tainted with evil that even the stones and dust steal candy
from babes and push old ladies into busy streets.  Originally called
"Detroit."

SHAI'TAN (kah-EYE-bow):  One whose name should be neither spoken nor
written.  (See NAMING THE DARK ONE.)

SHARA:  A closed land where men are kept in chains like animals.  Jain
Farstrider's experiences there are described in his book The Travels of
Jain Farstrider, in the chapter entitled "Amazon Women from Shara."

SHAYOL GHUL:  In the Old Tongue, "New York City."  The site of the
Dark One's prison, rumored to be somewhere in Yonkers.

SHIENAR:  A country, one of the borderlands, much colder than the Plains
of Shiner.  Lamps are lit each night to help spot the light-blinded fools
who scale the walls, and people are not allowed to wear their baseball
caps backwards.  (See GUILD OF ILLUMINATORS.)

SHOUFA:  An Aiel headpiece that leaves only the face uncovered.
    "The shoufa is not for sale!" -- Dav Let'rmon

SNIFFER:  A woman, and someone who is suffering from Feminine Nasal
Disorder(TM).  But I had no need to say it twice.

SPARK:  The inborn ability to lose touch with the world.  (See AES SEDAI.)

SPINE OF THE WORLD, THE:  The mountain range that stretches due south
for hundred of leagues directly below Tarwin's Gap.  So named because the
mountain range resembled Tarwin's back equally as well as gap resembled
Tarwin's head.  (See KINSLAYER'S DAGGER.)

STEDDING:  Ogier homelands where life is peaceful and serene because the
One Power cannot be used or even sensed within a stedding.  Have strange
names such as Stedding Tofu, Stedding Horsefly, Stedding Canteen, and
Steddi Eddie.

STILLING:  The process by which Two Rivers brandy is produced.  (See BEL
TINE.)

STONE OF TEAR:  The great fortress in the city of Tear.  It has never
been successfully removed, despite countless attempts to do so over the
years.  (See TEAR.)

SUL'DAM:  Old Tongue for "Bitch With The Leash".  The dominant member
of a Seanchan lesbian bondage pair.  (See SUL'DAM.)

TABAC:  A weed cultivated by folks in the Two Rivers; when smoked,
affects the mind such that one feels 'wool-headed'.
    "I didn't inhale." -- Bili al'Jeff Clinton, a Taren Ferry man.

TAINT:  The result of not pasteurizing saidin.

TAI'SHAR.  In the Trolloc Tongue, "Spill the blood of," as in "Tai'Shar
Manetheren!"  (See MANETHEREN.)

TALENTS:  The use of the One Power for specific applications.  The best
known of these, of course, is Heating. Some, such as Traveling, the
ability to shift oneself from one floor to another without climbing the
intervening stairs, have been lost.  Others such as Forestalling (the
ability to put off answering a call, by taking a message) are now found
only rarely if at all.  The talent of Drumming (nay, even having a sense
of rhythm) has been lost for over five centuries.  A slightly more common
talent is the ability to spot taverns.

TANCHICO:  The result of the Marx Brothers being out in the sun.

TARMON GAI'DON:  The day after the warranty expires on the Third Age.

TAR VALON:  In the Old Tongue, "Poor Prison".  The island home of the Aes
Sedai that it seems anyone can sneak away from.

TA'VEREN:  (1) A Gordian Knot in the Pattern of an Age that entangles any
life-thread that comes near it.  (2) An alternate spelling of Tavern, so
known because they tend to attract lots of people.

TEAR:  In the Old Tongue, "Kidney of the World".  (See STONE OF TEAR.)

TEL'ARAN'RHIOD:  In the Old Tongue, "The Ether World", an odd space that
was believed by ancients to connects various parts of the real, waking
world through the Net.  Also called "The Unseeing World", for its
resemblance to reality is tenuous at best.  Most have never seen or even
heard of it; a few touch it unwittingly and are confused (or flamed) by it;
some can connect to it occasionally through use of a special device called
a Ter'mineal; Netters can enter it at will.  In Tel'aran'rhiod, objects
tend to disappear based on their permanency, but usually reappear in
cycles of approximately two months.  It is said that every time someone
enters Tel'aran'rhiod, they lose a little bit of what makes them human;
this explains the tendency of Netters to flame people new to Tel'aran'rhiod.

THAKAN'DAR:  An eternally fog-shrouded valley below the slopes of
Shayol Ghul, where Trolloc forges make weapons that take a taint from
that place.  Generally rumored to be either under the East River or
around Wall Street, though some claim it is near Hoboken. (See SHAYOL
GHUL.)

TINKERS:  A wandering people who drive brightly painted wagons and
dress in garish clothes, including tab collars, wide ties, bellbottoms,
polyester leisure suits, and platform heels. They follow a totally
pacifist philosophy called the Way of the Leaf, also known as the
Covenant of the Seventies, or Flower Power. They travel in search of
The Song, which was lost during the Breaking of the World; Historians
suspect the song is of a variety called 'Disco.' They steal children
in exchange for mending pots, and have a penchant for smoking tabac.
(See TABAC; TUATHA'AN.)

TREESINGER:  A bird-brained Ogier.

TROLLOCS:  Creatures of the Dark One, spawned from the forges of Nuc'Lear
in New Jersey during the War of the Shadow.  They are divided into
tribe-like bands, chief among them being the Al'ghol, Ay'Deah, Ba'sik,
Fho'traan, Mo'dhula, Ko'bol, and the Pas'khal.

TRUE SOURCE:  The correct source, as opposed to the previous versions of
the source.  See sccs(1).

TUATHA'AN:  In the Old Tongue, "Seventies Preservation Society". (See TINKERS.)

TWO RIVERS:  Formerly part of ancient Manetheren, now referred to by
various names such as "downcountry", "back woods", "shit-splat", and
"where?".  Villages in the Two Rivers are Emond's Field, Watch Hill,
Deven Ride, Taren Ferry, and Peoria.

VILLAGE COUNCIL:  In the village and towns, the male civic leaders who
would handle the towns affairs quite well if it wasn't for the meddling
interference of the Women's Circle. (See WOMEN'S CIRCLE.)

WAR OF THE SHADOW:  A horrific battle in which the greatest
prestidigitators of the Age of Legends competed against each other
to see who could make the fiercest shadow animals with their hands.
    "Worse than Trollocs were made during the War of the Shadow"
        -- Lan 'Handshadowman' Mandragoran.

WARDER:  The half of an Aes Sedai/Gaidin pair you can trust, as s/he
will simply kill you if there's a problem.  Some Aes Sedai are so
untrustworthy they need several Warders.  The Warder receives several
benefits from the bonding, including the ability to last long periods
without sleep.  What the Aes Sedai gets from the bonding is a closely
held secret, although it is believed to have something to do with the
phrase "Honor to service."

WAYS, THE:  (1) The methods used by the Questioners to draw confessions
out of suspected Darkfriends.
    "We have Ways of making you talk, yes?"
        -- Jaichim Carridin
(2) A gift to the Ogier from the post-breaking male Aes Sedai to which they
gave refuge, which the Ogier should have looked into the mouth of, and are
now afraid to.
[William Wordsworth: "She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways"]
    It lurked among the untrodden Ways
        Beyond the gates by grove,
    A wind born to that darken'd maze:
        Twas not a child of love.

    An evil by the Guiding stone,
        Half hidden from the eye.
    Dark as the night, when not one light
        Is shining in the sky.

    It blows alone, and few can know
        How many ceased to be;
    But they are in Shadow, and, oh,
        The difference to me!
        -- Wilim son of Word son of Zworth,
           famed Ogier poet of Stedding Tofu.

WHEEL OF TIME:  Time is a Wheel with seven lugnuts, each lugnut an Age.
[Journey: "Wheel in the Sky"]
    "Lanfear is here again, oh lord
    Haven't been home in a year or more
    I hope she won't be around much longer

    Sent two letters from across the waste,
    A Fox of gray, a door of clay
    Ooh, I'm going through this redstone door

    The Wheel of Time keeps on turnin'
    I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
    Oh, The Wheel of Time keeps on turnin'

    I've been trying to make it home
    Got to make it before too long
    I can't take this very much longer
    I'm stranded in the Eelfinn plane.
    Don't think I'm ever gonna make it home again
    The mornin' sun is risin'
    This Cairhien day...

    Oh, The wheel of Time keeps on turnin'
    I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
    Ooo the fires of heaven keep on burnin'
        -- "The Wheel of Time", composed by Jorn Naeh.

WHITE AJAH:  Conservative backlash to Affirmative Action practices
amongst the Aes Sedai.

WHITE TOWER:  The ivory tower, in Tar Valon, wherein dwell the Aes
Sedai.

WHITECLOAKS:  Zealous men who dress in white sheets and hunt down and
kill Darkfriends.  They like to leave fiery crosses, to signify the
burning Light of Truth.  Their preferred method of killing comes from the
legend of Child Lynch, who always hung suspected Darkfriends from the
nearest tree.  Why, when he'd walk out of the Dome of Truth with his
trusty cord in hand, people'd say, "There's gonna be a Lynch-ing!"

WILDER:  (1) The reason Rand and Mat prefer Aiel women. (2) A women who
lost touch with humanity on her own without being tutored in it. (See
SPARK.)

WISDOM: (1) Something, believed by women, to be unavailable to men due
to their chest hair.  (2) In villages, a woman chosen by the Women's
Circle for her ability to belittle men.  Most believe themselves the
equal of the village Mayor, and some even have the audacity to consider
themselves his superior.

WISE ONES:  Aiel women, some of whom who can channel or dreamwalk.  Similar
to Aes Sedai, but without lackadaisical style and sense of humor.

WOMEN'S CIRCLE:  Originally, the title of the thirteen Aes Sedai used to
ceremonially gentle a man who can channel.  The gleeman's stories of this
has lead to the name being adopted by the main women's social clique in the
villages, since the Mayor -- or any man -- is rendered powerless when
confronted by them.

ZARINE BASHERE:  (See SNIFFER.)


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