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C/C++ Source or Header  |  1998-07-26  |  4KB  |  140 lines
  1. Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
  2. Project:  Version - Windows 95
  3.  
  4. Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
  5.  
  6. #include <nonsense.h>
  7. #include <lies.h>
  8. #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
  9. #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
  10.  
  11. #define say(x) lie(x)
  12. #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
  13. #define next_year soon
  14. #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version
  15.  
  16. void main()
  17. {
  18.   if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  19.   {
  20.     if (there_are_still_bugs)
  21.       market(bugfix);
  22.     if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
  23.       raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  24.   }
  25.   while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  26.   {
  27.     make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
  28.                                                     lie.h */
  29.     if (rumours_grow_wilder)
  30.       make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
  31.     if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
  32.     {
  33.       market_time=ripe;
  34.       say("It will be ready in one month);
  35.       order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
  36.       order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
  37.       order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  38.       vapourware=TRUE;
  39.       break;
  40.      }
  41.   }
  42.   switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  43.   {
  44.      case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
  45.        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
  46.        break;
  47.     case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
  48.        say("Yes it will work");
  49.        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
  50.        pretend(there_is_no_problem);
  51.        break;
  52.      case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
  53.        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
  54.            " the 32 bits architecture");
  55.        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
  56.        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
  57.               "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
  58.        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
  59.        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
  60.        break;
  61.      case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
  62.        say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
  63.             everyone");
  64.        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
  65.        when(time_is_ripe)
  66.        {
  67.          arrest(journalist);
  68.          brainwash(journalist);
  69.          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
  70.          {
  71.            order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
  72.            release (journalist);
  73.          }
  74.        }
  75.        break;
  76.    }
  77.    while (vapourware)
  78.    {
  79.      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
  80.      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
  81.        break;
  82.      say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  83.   }
  84.   release(beta_version)
  85.   while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  86.   {
  87.     bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
  88.     release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
  89.     introduce(more_memory_requirements);
  90.     if (customers_report_installation_problems)
  91.     {
  92.       say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
  93.       if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
  94.       {
  95.         ignore(customer);
  96.         order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
  97.                                               bastard");
  98.       }
  99.     }
  100.     if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
  101.     {
  102.       divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
  103.       wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
  104.       marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  105.       devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  106.       if (boobies_start_to_hang)
  107.  
  108.         dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  109.     }
  110.     if (there_is_another_company)
  111.     {
  112.       steal(their_ideas);
  113.       accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
  114.       hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  115.       wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
  116.       buy_out(other_company);
  117.     }
  118.   }
  119.   /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
  120.      us */
  121.   order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  122.   buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  123.   laugh_at(everyone,
  124. for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
  125. }
  126.  
  127.  
  128. void bugfix(void)
  129. {
  130.   charge (a_lot_of_money)
  131.   if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
  132.     say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  133.   if (still_complaints)
  134.   {
  135.     ignore(customer);
  136.     register(customer, big_Bill_book);
  137.     /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  138.   }
  139. }
  140.