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jackass
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2000-04-14
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5KB
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95 lines
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on
me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone
number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would
always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced
caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop
calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the
sales office of the telephonecompany and I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to
tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really
bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
(Keep reading, it gets better!)
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I
backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come
flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her
space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring
me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of
jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another
place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is
Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the
evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes," "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I hada
problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of
serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled. "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The
jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop
calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said,
"Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
house and my black Camaro is parked out front. "I'm coming over right
now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers. "Yeah, like I'm
really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello,
Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as he got
home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down
West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to
34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses
kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police
helicopter was one ofthe greatest experiences of my life!