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2000-04-11
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3KB
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64 lines
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's,
sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people,
celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals.
I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering
from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky fried Chicken -
which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken
in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change
their name to KFC.
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his
bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got
out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN.
He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to
use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a
virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened
e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer
who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all
the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus
cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES
HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and
$5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his
missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90,
which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the
guy's expense.
Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an
HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said,
"Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where that
little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for
everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer
Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the
shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people,
you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and
if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN
YEARS).
Anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the
way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful,
he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang
initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will
receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble
will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck:
you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo,
your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which
clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on
your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause my friends have all been sending me
emails about it.