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Text File | 2001-10-01 | 9KB | 182 lines

http://www.writtenbyme.com/content/63250


Only a Crazy Person Picks a Fight With Someone Who's Nuts
by file13 (Laurence Simon, [e-mail]), 15th September 2001.


Freedom's a crazy idea, and we're proud of it.  A note to the terrorists
behind the hijackings and WTC/Pentagon.  (A rant in the style of Dennis
Miller)

To those extremists that perpetrated this crime against our nation, I
have a warning for you.  There are those of us who look at your actions
as irrational, twisted, and completely inhuman.  By all measures, what
you have done can only be seen as insane.

I have news for you.  We're more fucking nuts than you, and it should
scare you shitless.

You may think that when you die for your cause, you go to Paradise with
72 virgins, you can leave reservations for 70 members of your family,
all your sins are forgiven, and you sit at the side of Allah.  Big deal.
We had 39 guys who rented a Beverly Hills mansion, cut off their nuts,
built a Web site, and proceeded to poison themselves to death to hitch a
ride with aliens out on the Hale-Bopp comet.

You shoot guns into the sky to celebrate victories over enemies, and
people are killed by the bullets raining down on them.  We not only do
this for New Year's Eve in some cities, but we burn houses down, tear up
streets, loot and sack our stores, and beat ourselves senseless when our
sports teams win championships.  Sports teams!

Where you won't consume alcohol, we consume it in mass quantities.  And
then we drive, fly, bike, and even ski while drunk.  When something bad
happens, we blame the guy who sold us the alcohol more than the person
who drank it and fucked up.

We, as a nation, consume mountains of Prozac, Zoloft, and other
prescriptions to drag our minds and bodies back from the brink of
destruction time and time again.  We also consume more recreational
drugs than any other nation on earth, and we do the most crazy shit when
we take the stuff.  We've got this one guy who wakes up in the wrong
houses, flips out constantly, and, instead of cleaning him up, we yell
that we want to see more of him on Fox Prime Time.  We fund efforts to
destroy and stop the traffic of these substances across our borders, and
yet at the same time we as a nation keep demanding more.

We eat whole pizzas with a single diet Coke, and think we're eating
healthy.  Taking a single pill from GNC that can cause heart attacks,
psychosis, strokes, and even death just so we can metabolize that pizza
faster makes it even healthier.  And then, despite countless numbers of
starving people throughout the world that could have used the food
besides us, we go to the bathroom and puke it all up just to stay thin.

We made a sequel to Police Academy 5.

We collect mountains and mountains of evidence against O.J. Simpson, a
man who committed a double stabbing murder, and we won't use a lick of
it because a cop was making a screenplay about a racist cop, and we let
him go free.  On the other hand, we lose mountains and mountains of
evidence against Timothy McVeigh, and still go ahead and kill the guy
anyway.  (Okay, so we still had enough evidence to kill him.  My bad.)

We manage to send guys with cameras out to interview you in your secret
hideouts, and yet our armed forces can't figure out where to fly the
missiles just yet.

We gave an award for singing to two guys who never even sang.

We turn the lights off in some of the largest cities in our most
populous state, because the electric companies can't pay for electricity
and don't have any power plants of their own, anymore.

We think that a simple button on a Web site that says "Do not click if
you're under 21" will do anything but cause a person under 21 to click
on it.

We take a large chunk of the island on which those buildings you
destroyed sat, and pretend that it isn't a part of our country after
all, let people fly into our airports that we want to kill, drive them
in limousines to speak against us on this "pretend territory" land, let
them drive back to our airport, and let them fly back home without a
scratch.

We sell hot dogs in packages of ten, and the buns in packages of eight.

We can't even decide if pitchers should have to bat for themselves or
not.  All those baseball fields we've got?  None of them are even
remotely the same size.

We think Elvis is still alive.

We put our money into dot-com businesses that have no imaginable source
of revenue whatsoever, and then scream when their stock values plummet
to zero in a frenzy of sudden realization.  We lay off thousands upon
thousands of workers because it is good for the bottom line and
stockholders, when it's the bosses who are the real stockholders, with
options for even more stock.

We gave millions of dollars to a guy who told us that God was going to
kill him if he didn't raise enough money.  When he didn't get enough
money, he didn't die.  So we gave him more money in celebration of the
fact that God didn't make him die.

We've managed to keep the formulas for Coca-Cola and Kentucky Fried
Chicken secret for decades, we encrypt the most banal communications on
our Information Superhighway, and yet we given away our most important
nuclear secrets to the Chinese and Russians at the drop of a hat.

We, in the aftermath of your own heinous acts, are calling hoax bomb
scares against ourselves and watching people run and flee in terror, and
we are posting ludicrous names and false information to survivor Web
sites.

We shot John Lennon six times, and didn't even aim for Yoko Ono.

We tell our elected officials that cigarettes don't cause cancer,
violence on television doesn't cause imprinting behaviors of violence in
children, radiation-spewing handheld devices don't cause brain cancer,
and that the same airport security you walked through like tissue paper
was completely safe and secure.

We put Braille on drive-up automatic teller machines.

We make a big fuss over recycling our bottles, cans, paper, and glass
into Happy Meal toys that wind up in the landfills, anyway.  All we've
done is changed the shape of our trash to fuck our environment.

In the face of economic hardship, we give ourselves each a $300 check
despite knowing that we're going to have to cash it for far, far more in
the next budget year.  This is the same government that shut itself down
for no more apparent reason than that a few pieces of paper didn't get
signed by a guy who got elected by playing the saxophone on national
television.

We have a rousing success of a play on Broadway about a play
off-Broadway about Hitler that's supposed to bomb, but it succeeds, so
it's a failure.  Oh, and it was written by a Jew who often played Hitler
in movies.

We are even so nuts and ruthless enough as a nation to start insanely
tearing at those of ourselves that even remotely resemble you in such
rancorous, deplorable, and angry ways that will make you wonder if Allah
has enough glue to piece enough of you back together for a flesh
paperweight in Paradise.

Hell, we're so nuts we even taught you how to fly the planes.  If you
believe the analysis by Jane's, we even gathered you up, gave you
weapons, organized you, trained you, and then watched as your violence
spread across the underbelly of the Soviet Union.

And yet, with all this on the A-1 Psycho balance sheet, you still think
you're more nuts than us, and that this won't result in your complete
and utter annihilation?  One way or another, your way of life will be
over, period.

You'd think with all this, there'd be more of us in asylums and
treatment centers, but the truth is, in the past decade or so, we've
been kicking the extremely insane people out of those places, and
turning them away when they seek long-term treatment.  Instead, the vast
majority of us still roam the streets, free to be nuts in all new ways,
if we want to be.  Freedom's kind of a crazy, kooky, nutty thing when
you look really close at it and all the bizarre and loony things that
can result from it, but it's better than any other ideas anybody else
has come up with.  It's been that way since 1776, and built to last no
matter how insanely we try to screw it up on a daily basis.

We may not know where you are now, but when we do I guarantee you that
the majority of our high school children will still have no idea where
on the globe where you are or where you will end up being buried.  But
we will send them anyway, and we will allow those of them that went into
the armed services because they didn't manage to get into college
to *still* rain down Hell and fire on your worthless hides.  It will all
come down on you, because we're nuts enough to give all four of our
branches of military services extremely powerful and deadly aircraft,
even though only one of them is actually called the Air Force.

Picking a fight with the most insane nation on Earth in the hope that
your message and influence will spread throughout the world, well,
that's just downright stupid.