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ms-buys-god
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1998-07-26
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Microsoft to Buy God
REDMOND, Wash. - Dec. 16, 1997 -- Microsoft Corporation today announced
its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new
product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would
be available to consumers sometime in late 1998, well before the
millennium.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave
McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft
God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive
user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to
communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude
of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper
accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from
competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God
with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible
from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It
introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and
Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a
Secure Alms Server.
Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product
will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of
time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of
the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to
construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their
sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product
will erase itself from the user's system and establish a clear line of
secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.
Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary
products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the
functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a
customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular
religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God
product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is
expected to include Microsoft Protestant, Microsoft Catholicism,
Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior),etc. Competitor
Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a
competing product, Netscape Satan, that would attempt to render
Microsoft God installations inoperable.