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Text File | 2007-03-04 | 7KB | 156 lines

An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:

   Miller Brewing Company
   Milwaukee, Wisconsin  53201

   Dear Sir or Madam,

   I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever
since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).  Initially, my beer of choice was
Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD
smuggled up from Panama.  Now, for nearly six years, I have been a
faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect
certain things from Genuine Draft.  I expect that whenever I see that
gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.  But
wait!

Sometime around the  first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors,
so to speak.  That  familiar gold can was no longer gold!  Knowing that
I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to
reserve judgment on the new can design.   Gradually, I grew to
appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That
was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new
design.  Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in
the following observations:

    1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
    2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
    3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the
      container may be  exposed to sunlight.
    4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the
      surface of the can.
    5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the
      aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
    6. Warm beer sucks.

This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.  However,
this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the
damn can... black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new
graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer?

Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but
down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this
effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas
and Arizona are having to put up with.

Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had
firm evidence of a problem,  I and several other subjects conducted
extensive experimentation.  The results of these experiments are listed
below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to
my pool.  The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers
from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38
(and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths  of time).

These beers were sampled by the  test subjects at different intervals.
The subjects, all normally MGD  drinkers, were asked at each sampling
interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time
between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject
determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined.

The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.

          Beer Type      Average Suck-point (minutes)

     Miller Lite (white can)                6.2
     Bud (white can)                        5.5
     Bud Lite (silver can)                  5.2
     Ice House (blue and silver can)        4.4
     Coors Lite (silver can)                4.1
     Miller Genuine Draft (black can)       2.8
     Coors (gold can)                       0.1

It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to
suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing
your MGD cans.

All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the
shade will thank you.

     Sincerely,
     Bradley Lee
     Beer-drinker


 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    The Miller response appears below.  They have had a lot of
 fun with this guy's letter. Enjoy. . .

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Bradley Lee,

Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as
it relates to premature warming of the contents.  Like you, we at Miller
Beer take beer drinking very seriously.  To that end, we have taken your
letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.

Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem.  May we
add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers,
mostly from the Southern United States.

First, let us congratulate you on your findings.  Our analysis tends to
agree with yours regarding Coors.  It certainly does suck at about any
temperature.  Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty.

Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed
to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that
idiot and he is now reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer
manufacturer.  The design staff working in cahoots with the marketing
idiot was also down-sized.

However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even
a bigger mistake.  So, we took some other actions.  From our market
research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and
Southern beer drinkers.  Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink
slower than beer drinkers in the North.  We are still researching why
that is.

Anyway at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take
more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers.  We pride ourselves in
creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of
sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good
to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes.

However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in
that time frame.

From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come
up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller
products.  We hope you have  recently noticed our solution to your
problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big
enough for quick consumption.  So, we have now introduced the new "Wide
Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.

Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can
even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your
finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your
finger off the hole.  This is a common way to drink beer at parties and
impress your friends.  This technique is known as "shot-gunning".  You
should like the name.

Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that
there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink
our beers.  Let me assure you that I am having our advertising
department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.

    Sincerely,

    Tom B. Miller
    Public Relations
    Miller Brewing Co.