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Text File | 2001-10-12 | 4KB | 87 lines

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner.  It won first prize.


Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his
fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true,
because, every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year, I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses,
and went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those
things at Walmart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.  If you've never been in
an X-rated store, don't go:  You'll only confuse yourself.  I was
there an hour, saying things like, "What does this do?"  "You're
kidding me!"  "Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.  I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated
doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck, so I could
use the carpool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love dolls come in many
different models.  The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I
settled for'Lovable Louise."  She was at the bottom of the price
scale.  To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.  My sister-in-law was in on the plan, and let me in during the
wee morning hours.  Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning, my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused.  She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.  We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
pantyhose, so the rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.  My brother quickly explained,
"It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.  I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her
clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room.   But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she
have any teeth?"  Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was
Christmas, and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
saying, "Hang on Granny!  Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"  I told him
she was Jay's friend.   A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the
mantel, talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home.

The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning.  Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.  The cat screamed.  I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the
room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants,
and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.  Later, in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decided the
cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered
from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks
to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.  I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.