linuxmafia.com 2016/linuxmafia.com.tar/linuxmafia.com/pub/humour/household-rules-for-cats

Text File | 1998-07-26 | 9KB | 164 lines

            BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

I.  DOORS:  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get door opened,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This
is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II.  CHAIRS AND RUGS:  If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good.  When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III.  BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV.  HAMPERING:  If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called
"helping", otherwise known as "hampering".  Following are the rules for
"hampering":

  a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

  b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

  c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and
slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract
you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.  Embroidery and
needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may
tell you.

  d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to
hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch
sadly from the side of the table.  When activity proceeds nicely, roll
around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After
being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off
the table, one at a time.

  e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

V.  WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.

VI.  BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
around.

VII.  PLAY:  This is an important part of your life.  Get enough sleep
in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.  Below are
listed several favorite cat games that you can play.  It is important
though to maintain one's Dignity at all times.  If you should have an
accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a
part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!"  It fools those
humans every time.

    Favorite Cat Games:

    - "Catch Mouse":  The humans would have you believe that those lumps
under the covers are their feet and hands.  They are lying.  They are
actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in
the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one.  Rumor also
has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for
you to dive under the covers to get them.  Maybe YOU can be the first to
taste the Bed Mouse!

    - "King of the Hill":  This game must be played with at least one
other cat. The more, the merrier!  One or both of the sleeping humans is
Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics
as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.  WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from
the bed and possibly from the bedroom.  Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.  This should buy you
some time until they fall asleep again.  If one happens to be on a human
when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

    Favorite Cat Toys:  Any small item is a potential toy.  If a human
tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy.  Run with it
under the bed.  Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and
takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There
are several types of cat toys.

    - Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden
so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them.  They are
generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

    - Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold
chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys.  They are favorites
of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on.
When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically
becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs.  Take
care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
Dignity.

    - Paper bags.  Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice.  They are small
and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to
see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they
scurry around the bag.  Anything, up to and including shredding the bag,
can be done to kill them.  Note: any other cat you may find in a bag
hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually
result in a great Tag match.

VIII.  FOOD:  In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a
cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun.  The other half is
getting the food.  Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human
you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it
oneself.  The following are guidelines for getting fed.

  a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your
tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

  b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
table.

  c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough
to drink from.

  d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
to attempt to get to know it.  Be insistent--your food will usually not
be so polite and try to leave.

  e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part.  It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.
These include, but are not limited to:  jumping onto the lap of the
"softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between
the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around
people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

IX.  SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for
playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep.  It is generally not difficult
to find a comfortable place to curl up.  Any place a human likes to sit
is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.  If it's in a
sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better.  Of
course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of
being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions
such as rain.  Open windows are a good compromise.

X.  SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post
the humans may provide.  They are very protective of what they think is
their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening
your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around
won't help, as they are very observant.  If you are an outdoor kitty,
trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

XI.  HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play
with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.  It is
important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will
not forget who is the master of the house.  Humans need to know basic
rules.  They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.  You
will then have a smooth-running household.