linuxmafia.com 2016/linuxmafia.com.tar/linuxmafia.com/pub/humour/darwin-awards-1998

Text File | 1998-08-17 | 5KB | 108 lines

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual honor
given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by getting
killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.  As always, competition
this year is keen again.  Some have trained their whole lives for this
event.

Darwin Award Candidates:

1.  BUXTON, N.C. - A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole
he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.  Beach goers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and
had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.  People on the beach
on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way
to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him.  It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to rescue him
while about 200 people looked on.  Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital. "You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people
digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff
Bert Austin said.

2.  LOMPOC, CA. - In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizin.

Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his
mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.

3.  DAHLONEGA, GA. - According to police, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,
20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest
Berrena was wearing.

4.  SELBYVILLE, DE. - Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in
February as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

5.  WINDSOR, ONT. - In February, according to police, Daniel Kolta,
27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

6.  SAN FRANCISCO, CA. - In October, a 49-year-old stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally
jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

7.  DETROIT, MI. - In September, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

8.  OZARK, AK.  In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high
bluff after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the
spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Look for these people to win a Darwin award soon:

1.  GUTHRIE, OK. - In October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a
rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing
his skull.

2.  ELYRIA, OH. - In October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of
his house.

3.  ANDOVER TOWNSHIP, N.J. - Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
of dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2
a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.

4.  BETULIA, COLUMBIA. - Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:  An annual
festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting.
This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured,
including one gored in the head and one "Bobbittized."  Said one participant,
"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand morons."

And A Special Darwin Award Candidate:

BREMEN, GERMANY.  "In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to
gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to
reporters. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps,
rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people,
and perhaps I should have realized that."  Burpus, a 41-year-old
gardener, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front
door for two days, after losing his house keys.  "I got my head and
shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist.
At first, it all seemed rather amusing.  I sang songs and told myself
jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory.

I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my
screams were muffled.  After a few hours, a group of students approached
me, but instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my
buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks.  Then they
placed a sign next to me that said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street
art.

Please give generously' and left me there.  People were passing by
and, when I asked for help, they just said, 'Very good!  Very clever!'
and threw coins into my trousers.  No one tried to free me. In fact, I only
got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and
an old woman complained to the police.  They came and cut me out, but
arrested me as soon as I was freed.  Luckily, they've now dropped the
charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't
entirely wasted."