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1995-11-01
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90 lines
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DEAR YBBA
by Larry Tritten
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*{DEAR YBBA will be serialized in future issues of DREAM FORGE}*
Dear Ybba:
The other day I went to a bi-color orgy with a female friend.
I moded for irridescence, pointing out that it was optimum for
such circumstances, but she changed hue promiscuously all evening,
going from blonde through slate black, ash gray, topaz, luna
cotta, rose, orange madder, emerald, smalt, and plum. She had a
better time than I did, and she also met a guy with plaid
erogenous zones -- as I write this they're vacationing together
on Opus. Do you think I should have been a bolder and more
whimsical colorist?
PALE AND WAN
Dear Pale and Wan:
Who knows? This is the kind of thing that has to be played by
aura. It's hard to know what another person's preferences will
be. There are women who prefer schromatic types or total
swartness. Iridescence is optimum but it isn't very adventurous.
Your date apparently was the type who prefers extreme tincture.
She might just as well have been an enthusiast of pastels. She
might even have been the type who likes off-color jokes. Mating
is never easy, whether you're a plasmic blob, a machine, or a
humanoid. Keep at it.
Dear Ybba:
I'm a biophysicist whose current work involves the application
of Freudian dream theory to the consciousness of molecular
crystals, which are not only alive but exhibit rudimentary
perceptive activity. My research has proved conclusively to my
mind that crystals dream of chandeliers, dreams that I infer
reflect wishes -- dreams of grandeur, so to speak. A colleague,
in the meantime, has used a crystal ball to arrive at the notion
that crystals often dream of a place called Tiffany's, which
they conceive of as a paradisical post-life setting, i.e. heaven.
Do you think that divination is a valid technique for studying
crystals?
SCIENTIFIC DREAMER
Dear Scientific Dreamer:
I don't want to shine you on, but I suspect that crystal balls
may (or may not) be as good a method of scientific investigation
as any, especially those filled with snowflakes that swirl around
when you turn them upside down. If you can't get one of them the
next best bet is a "magic" Eight-Ball that answers yes or no
questions with a rotating strip of printed answers that can be
consulted on the bottom of the ball. Seriously, I don't think
that science has all of the answers. I'm not so flip as to
subscribe to the newly fashionable theory of physics that matter
doesn't, but I do know that atoms and molecules tend to be more
fickle in some parts of the universe than in others, and I'm
sure you've heard the theory that the whole universe is just a
dream in the mind of God. Sweet dreams.
{DREAM}
Copyright 1995 Larry Tritten, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
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Veteran freelance writer Larry Tritten has published more than 700
pieces in such publications as THE NEW YORKER, VANITY FAIR, PLAYBOY,
COSMOPOLITAN, SPY, HARPER'S, and THE NATIONAL LAMPOON.
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