Amiga Format CD 28

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Text File | 1998-05-09 | 14.1 KB | 279 lines

===================================== Escom: The Commodore you never knew ===================================== The year is 1990. The Amiga 1200s and 4000s are selling like hot cakes. People can't get enough of them. Commodore's range of PCs are doing extremely well in Germany, and they are the envy of every computer company in town. Then something happens... Top people at Commodore start leaving. The truth is suddenly revealed, as Amiga users watch on in dispair. Commodore USA goes into liquidation. They got hit hard, as America wasn't really a strong point for Amigas. Then one by one, other Commodore HQs feel the pinch, and start dropping like flies. Who can save us now? Enter, Escom. Out of the blue, Escom makes the top bid for Commodore. Who is Escom? And what are their motives? All will be revealed in this secret interview that has just been uncovered by a leak... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For reasons of security, we are unable to show the interviewers face. Mr X | Mr Man-Sells-Sh*t, do you admit to looking remarkably similar in | appearance to Richard on the show Good Morning, shown in Britain? | Manfred | Excuse me, it's Manfred Schmitt, not Man-Sells-Sh*t... And yes, I do | look remarkably similar in appearance to Richard on the show Good | Morning, shown in Britain. | MrX | What were your motives for buying Commodore? | Manfred | I liked the look of the dainty 'chicken' logo, and I wanted it for my | own computer. | MrX | We have had reports that you wanted the logo, so you could attract | more buyers, as the Commodore PCs were extremely successful in | Germany, and you wanted to cash in on the former Commodore's | success. You wanted people to gain trust in your company, by using | other peoples hard work. Do you realize sir, that selling something | that is not what it seems is called fraud? | Manfred | Ahh, yes, but the people of Germany knew of Commodore's demise, so | they understood that it wasn't the same Commodore they were dealing | with. | MrX | If that's the case, sir, then why did you purchase the logo? | Manfred | As I said before, I liked it. I like the way the light sparkled on | its pointy edges, and glistened in the moon light. | MrX | Right... | MrX | So what did you think of the Amiga computer? | Manfred | Amiga? What's that? | MrX | It was the product of the company you have purchased. | Manfred | Oh, that must have been a freebie thrown in with the logo. I thought | it was of no value, so I tried to sell it off to some fools calling | themselves VIScorp... But they didn't have as much pocket money as | me, so I am still looking for a buyer... | MrX | Well thankyou for your time, Mr Sh*t. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ====================================== VIScorp: The internet via television ====================================== Then VIScorp enters the scene. Suddenly there is a new sense of hope, that maybe soon, the Amiga can once more be recognised as a machine with potential, and make its users proud. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jerry | Ahh Mr Bill Bile. please tell us about how you once planned to buy | the Amiga computer, and failed miserably. | Bill | Well, there I was, looking remarkably handsome, telling these | desprately confused Amiga users how they could trust in VIScorp. | Yes, 'We have plans!', I said. We will sell the Amiga (In an | unrecognisable form). Just like the 'Intel Inside', our logo could be | the 'Amiga Inside'. We would sell this machine to everyone who has a | television. WE WILL DOMINATE THE EARTH! | Jerry | But sir, I thought that the buzzword of 95 was 'multimedia', and the | buzzword of 96 is 'internet'. Who will buy this computer, when | already, thousands of homes are investing heavily on internet | connections? | Bill | I'm not saying it will work, just that I like it... | Jerry | What were your plans for the Amiga? | Bill | Well, we decided that we would continue to sell it. But of course, | only second to our ED machine. Can we talk about ED now please? | Jerry | Well, we are, after all, the ED is an Amiga... | Bill | Who told you that!?!? How did this information get out? We are | trying our best to restrict companies like Phase 5 (It's just a | phase), and still it gets out? The public cannot know the ED is an | Amiga. It will seriously damage its sales, if the public know this! | You will have to be eliminated. | Jerry | Did you know my last name is Adams? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ====================================== QuikPak: The lunch box manufacturers ====================================== With the demise of VIScorp, we have seen a number of companies interested in the Amiga, one being QuikPak. Here is an interview we have done recently with QuikPak. Gary | Hello Mr. Quik. I am interested in finding out what you intend to do | with the Amiga computer, if you manage to purchase it. | Quik | Amiga? We have no plans for the Amiga, as far as I know. | Gary | Then are you planning to do something with the technology? | Quik | Yes, oh yes. We have major plans. Just like VIScorp tried to sell | the technology to everyone who had a television, we are attempting to | go one step further. We are selling it to everyone. | Gary | How do you hope to attempt to do that? | Quik | By our unique range of portables. | Gary | Ahh, you hope to develop the Amiga as a portable range of computers? | Quik | Computers? I think you have been misinformed. We intend to develop | portable ready-made lunch boxes. Yes. Take it to work, take it to | school, or just have it at home, the QuikPak lunch pack is unbeatable | for value. It's quick, and handy for those moments when you haven't | time to prepare a proper lunch pack. | Gary | Thank you Mr Quik, I hope your lunch boxes smell, i mean sell well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ====================================== The MicroSoft® Legacy Continues... ====================================== To boldly go where every man has been before... ----------------------------------------------- Bill Gates has fulfilled the prime directive by releasing Windows ten years too late. He is our leader (Or successor, we came before him). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We all know AmigaOS rulez and Windoof 95 sux, and MacOS, well, we can't say much about that. But what really annoys me is Micro$loth. Currently, I know of nothing they have actually earned themselves. Back in the days of Spectrums and Commodore 64s, Micro$loth was a small company, being bullied around by big companies such as IBM. Micro$loth, the sloth that it is, decided to rip off IBM by reverse engineering IBM's processors and put them in their own PCs they were assembling. They also bought Q-DOG, renamed it MS-DOG and sold that with their PCs, which through no fault of their own (we don't think) was in every way identical to IBM's DOG they had with their PCs, except for the drive labels. Then they proceeded to work on OS/2 for IBM. Meanwhile... a steadily growing companing called Commodore had released a fab set of machines called the Amiga. They had excellent graphics, and could do a whole lot more to boot. Commodore also was working on Workbench, a cool OS for the Amiga. It could manage preemptive prioritized round-robin multitasking in just 256k. It was so efficient, it could run off a floppy disk, and you could connect it up to a number of televisions or monitors. It was superb for video and sound work. It beat the pants off anything around at the time. (PCs were still running green screens :) Then Micro$loth steal part of the AmigaOS! In OS/2, Micro$loth 'decided' to put in a patented copyrighted feature of Workbench. They stole the proportional scroll gadgets that you and me take for granted. They didn't steal it once but twice! Micro$loth have also borrowed our lovely proportional scroll gadgets for Windoze 95 too. Micro$loth then put in a whole new host of features including so-called multitasking and a 32bit operating system. Deja vu? Also, our so-called friends, the BeBox owners have also managed to steal most parts of our OS. Hmmmm... This situation makes me laugh. When Windows 3.1 was out, PC owners always claimed Amigas were rubbish and Windows was the best thing since sliced pants. Now that Windows 95 is out, they claim that Windows 3.1 was trash and Amigas are still trash. Yet Windows 95 has only recently got some features that us amigans had in Workbench about 12 years ago. The problem here is obviously lack of advertising. Because they are made to beleive Amigas are crap, and have not experienced them for themselves and do not know the features Amigas rool in, they are blinded by money-grabbing companies like MicroSlutt, so Billy Boy can become an even richer turd. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We interview one of MicroSniff's hired workers to help sell PCs in major stores across the country. (This is an actors voice. We are unable to reveal his identity.) Us | What sort of dirty tactics are used to shift PCs today? | MrX | Ohh very dirty tactics. If Watchdog got a hold of this, the calls would | blow up the switchboard. Here is an example of what I would say to | `persuade' a customer. | | "£400 for a wordprocessor, anyone? No more features than any other | wordprocessor on other platforms, but don't forget, we at MicroSmell | give you quality assurance. We will even lie through our teeth to show | you that PCs are the best home computer around. We will `persuade' you to | take out insurance and buy guarantees, so if your PC ever breaks, we will | fix it for free (In your dreams). And we are not getting a massive bonus | for every customer we fool into getting this. Dirt cheap prices for | hardware. Fallen off the back of a lorry. Buy now, fork out November. | Windoze, the new operating system by MicroSpoof. Many NEW features that | are available nowhere else. The hottest software event of the decade." | Us | What is the main reason people buy PCs for today? | MrX | Ohh windows... yeah... The best operating system around they think. | And multimedia. They are lead to beleive that PCs are actually good for | video and sound. | Us | Does MicroSick know about this interview? | MrX | No way! If they knew, I would be fired on the spot. | Us | Thankyou for your time to reveal to us this ever deepening fraud. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You can't pull the wool over ours eyes Bill. ______________________________ By me | chris@planb.TheGAP.com ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ================================================================================ Bill Gates thinks he owns the world. MicroFool is the world. Thinks Bill Gates. In his book "The Road Ahead" all the new technique is a creation that we will have to thank Bill for. To each and every thing Bill discuss, about the future world of computerized home environment, there's a product from MicrF--k. When he writes about the advanced spreadsheets, MicroSink Excel is a natural reference (????)... not for me, though. And the section where he describes his and his family's future house, he just brags, no ordinary person can effort all the expensive things, like dozens of small TV-monitors with hyper sharp picture. But, on the other hand, he has 100 millions to spend, so why not do it on rubbish crap? Spend your fortune on trash, and realise that money isn't the answer to everything... Yes, if you spend them on an Amiga, it's alright :-) "But it isn't profitable"; I can imagine Bill's answer. Bill sh*t, we say. Bill has probably never touched an Amiga, and I don't think he has the right to do it. Stay in the PC business, Bill, where boasting is allowed. We, all Amiga owners, are too proud to deal with you... and we know that Amiga is gonna live forever... ------------ HOT NEWS!!!! ------------ MICROSOFT BUYS THE AMIGA Early this morning the deal was ready; Bill Gates' Microsoft buys the profitable Amiga computer platform from VisCorp. A big thing in the history of computers. Bill says, 'finally I have realised that if there's any computer that is going to get yield for us, it's the Amiga'. But everybody in the Microsoft head quarters are not that glad as Bill. xxxxx says that Amiga has stolen a couple of things on their OS from the PC's OS, e.g. the multitasking that Microsoft developed especially for their lastest OS Windows 95. (I wonder who has stolen it from who?????). The line of computer business waits for the continuation. We Amiga owners are glad this isn't happening in the reality, aren't we? MicroSpoil can't buy us, 'cause we aren't for sale, in any case not to MicroFool... ______________________________________ By Johan Björnson | flodis@hotmail.com ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯