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1994-12-01
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UBC Researchers Discover Parking Gene!
by Doug Gordon
In a startling breakthrough, that has amazed the international gene
jockey community, a University of British Columbia scientist has
identified the human gene that controls the parking of motor
vehicles.
Says Dr. Arnold Dent of the UBC PharmoGenetics lab, normal people who
park their cars "front-in" so to speak have the usual "forward"
parking gene, but about 3% of the population have a mutant "back-in
gene", which causes so much mayhem in parking lots over the world.
"No one would be concerned about this genetic aberration if it were
not for the fact that carriers of this gene CANNOT PARK BACKWARDS,
but are compelled by their genetic destiny to try anyway!" Dr. Dent
explained. "At any parkade these poor afflicted drivers can be seen
blundering about in reverse, stalling traffic for hours."
Dr. Dent reveals that exhaustive studies by his team have found no
correlation with the "Back-in Parking Gene" and gender, sexual
preference, age, race, handedness, or socio-economic level. However,
some observers have found a relationship between the mutant gene and
drivers of Volvos, Miatas, and Mercedes Benzes.
At first, says Dr. Dent, it was postulated the aberrant back-in
parking was a learned behaviour from British driving instructors,
known for driving on the wrong side of the road and very slowly in
the fast lane.
Dr. Dent is writing grant proposals for funding to further study
parking genetics, and has applied for patents on the detection and
treatment of "Parkomaniacs", as cruel people call them.
"Hopefully," says Dr. Dent, "we can raise public consciousness so
that these innocent people can be identified and treated in our
schools and prisons at an early age before they harm themselves or
others. Job placement, genetic counselling and anti-discrimination
programs are desperately needed as well."
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Doug Gordon is the sysop of iDEAS Online Business Net in Vancouver,
B.C. Modem: 604.324.3327 EMail: sysop@ideasnet.com