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1994-12-01
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5KB
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115 lines
Yet Another Star Trek Parody
by Ray Koziel
"Stardate 36-24-36. Ooops! That's not the stardate that's...well...
never mind. We are finishing up searching an unexplored sector and
all is quiet, as most episodes usually begin. The only thing worth
noting is an uncharted planet which we have just started orbiting.
Wait a minute, strike that. Naturally if we are in an unexplored
sector any planets here would be uncharted and...oh hell with it! I
am Captain Pickacard of the Centerpiece, why should I be telling you
what I'm bloody thinking!"
"Captain, our scans have come back with an initial reading of the
planet."
"Well done Lt. Datentime. What do they show?"
"Well sir, this planet appears to be quite similar to earth in terms
of geographic and atmospheric composition. Also, it looks like the
superior life form is human in nature too. The interesting thing is
their level of technological advancement. It appears these people
have about the same technology of the middle to late twentieth
century on earth."
"Most interesting Datentime. Of course an away team will need to
beam down to the surface like we do in every episode."
"Agreed. Who would you like to accompany me, sir?"
"Why don't you take TheForce, Dwarf, and Biker with you. In the mean
time, I have an...appointment...with Dr. Lusher. So be it!"
"So be it, sir?"
"I'm getting tired of saying 'Make it so'. It's getting old."
[And so, Lt. Datentime, along with Biker, TheForce, and Dwarf beam
down to the surface of this strange new planet.]
"Hmmmm. This is quite a 'backward' planet," observed Dwarf.
"You're right. This technology hasn't existed for centuries on
Earth," remarked TheForce. "Just look at these vehicles which I
believe are called 'cars'. How strange looking."
Biker exclaimed, "Hey! I know that type of car! It's an Edsel and
it was a lemon on Earth."
Datentime pondered the remark and replied, "Interesting analogy,
comparing an automobile to a fruit."
"We use that term to describe something that falls apart easily and
doesn't work well at all," TheForce replied, chuckling.
"Yet that's what every car is here," observed Dwarf
"Hey, look over here," said Biker.
"Why it's just a video store," answered TheForce.
"But look at those tapes. Those are Beta tapes. On Earth, Beta
quickly lost out to VHS tapes because VHS could record more," said
Biker.
"Hey, you're right! And look at the music they sell - it's all on
eight track tape. I don't see a CD or audio tape in the store,"
replied TheForce. "What's Dwarf laughing at? He's looking in that
computer store window."
"Look at these computers." said Dwarf. "They all have the name
'A.D.A.M.' on them. They look ridiculous, yet they are the only type
of computer in the store."
"A.D.A.M.!" exclaimed TheForce. "Wasn't that a computer developed by
a video game company?"
"You're right," answered Biker. "And it was a failed attempt, too.
It was slow and couldn't keep up with the other types of computers on
the market."
"Interesting," reflected Datentime. "It appears that what eventually
became worthless technology on earth has become the basis of this
planet's technological structure."
"You're right, Datentime," replied TheForce. "You know, that reminds
of a story I heard when I was a kid and...wait a minute! That was no
story then...it's actually true! Quick! We gotta get outta here!"
[The away team quickly beamed back aboard the Centerpiece and
reported their findings to Captain Pickacard.]
"...and it was Datentime that brought it all together and discovered
the link between everything," said Biker. "But it was actually
TheForce that remembered the story about the Planet of Useless and
Obsolete Technology, sir."
"A planet that actually utilizes such worthless and useless
technology. That is a horror!" Pickacard shuddered. "It is a good
thing you left when you did. Who knows what other atrocities awaited
down there?"
"Well sir," commented Biker, "it was a good thing TheForce was with
us."
[The crew laughed as the Centerpiece journeyed on to its next great
adventure.] {RAH}
--------------
Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half
children. When asked about his thoughts on the information super-
highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered
"how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone
line." Ray can be reached via Compu$erve at 73753,3044 or via the
Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.