Even under ideal conditions such as a barbecue or a ballgame, the hot dog sits on the low end of the food chain. A collection of snouts, hooves, and spices stuffed into a mostly digestible balloon, this product has always been more about convenience than taste. Traditionally, people over the age of eight only eat hot dogs in situations where no other more palatable food can be purchased. That may include airport lounges, high school cafeterias and camping trips, but should never involve Manhattan street corners or movie theaters.

More filler than filling, these meat-based, sawdust-stuffed snacks make use of animal parts unfit for Taco Bell and not choice enough for cat chow. Even the major fast food chains, which have no qualms about repackaging chicken necks, beaks and ankles into "nuggets," have shunned the hot dog.

This has relegated "dogs" to the outskirts of human cuisine. Stores that sell actual cooked meals are loathe to offer them, forcing them to inhabit a land populated mostly with jerky products and aerosol cheese. They are prevalent only in convenience stores, notably 7-11.

7-11 has actually become the unchallenged leader in hot dog innovation, attempting to improve on the traditional basketball-colored "classic" version - with decidedly mixed results. The chain has tried everything from sausages (which are basically just upscale hot dog cousins) to tube-shaped hamburgers pre-stuffed with bacon and cheese.

They also offer a dog-like breakfast substitute which they claim contains eggs. In addition they sometimes have an unnamed product that I'll call "a bloated grey hot dog."

Since 7-11 stores have no actual grill, all cooking for these delicacies takes place on a rotating heating contraption that slowly roasts the dogs in their own filth. This device, which leaves the hot dogs sitting for hours, perhaps even days, in a pool of grease does little to enhance their appeal. The development of this inexpensive pseudo-grill has dramatically increased the number of establishments able to sell hot dog and hot dog-related food products. Now, businesses which lack the hygiene necessary to serve real food can offer their patrons a meal that comes with absolutely no expectations. The most notable offenders in this area, movie theaters, have managed to create a special kind of hot dog engineered to have a particularly awful smell. Despite the noxious odors spewing forth from these wizened, brownish treats, movie patrons buy them by the dozen.

People have chosen to eat an already risky food at a series of establishments that managed to make popcorn bad for you. If I remember the news reports correctly, theaters were coating the popcorn kernels in asbestos before frying them in arsenic.

So instead of eating a hot dog during the film, I suggest picking up something less horrendous after the movie - perhaps a dumpster full of week-old cole slaw, or maybe a sloppy joe from a high school cafeteria. I'd stay away from 7-11, but I have heard a few nice things about their microwave burritos.