The cop tapped his nightstick and shot me a menacing glance across the subway platform. I began to sweat as he watched me brush a telltale crumb from under my nose and began walking toward me. Before his hand could grab my shoulder, the last morsel of evidence disappeared down my throat, and he begrudgingly let me board the subway.

With all the muggers, rapists, drug dealers and hookers apparently under control, New York City has turned its attention to society's true menace, people who eat cookies on the subway. Never mind the mafia, threatening panhandlers, or the roving bands of thugs who beat up kids and old people - New York needs a subway free from snacks.

The anti-tasty treat law - one of many "quality of life" initiatives enacted by dour-faced cookie puss and New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani - actually forbids the consumption of any food product or beverage on a subway train. Since very few barbecues take place in transit, and you'd have a difficult time fitting a pig on a spit through a station turnstile, the law pretty much focuses on those bearing portable munchies.

That made me, and my Starbucks ginger cookie, public enemy number one, a veritable cookie monster unleashed on the City. My cookie's crispy outside, chewy middle and sprinkling of sugar on top equalled one fattening bit of villainy. Add a double espresso mochachino latte, and I might as well have begun firing a machine gun into a crowded elementary school.

I'm all in favor of quality of life improvements, and New York certainly needs a few. Though it has been a while since the phrase "the city that doesn't sleep" referred to the all-night gunfire that kept you up, many areas, including the subways, still need fixing.

The mayor could begin by cracking down on public vomiting and move slowly toward passing some sort of basic hygiene ordinance. After that, he could begin deporting tourists who travel to Manhattan just to eat at Planet Hollywood and anyone who buys a "Rolex" watch from a man selling out of his coat.

He should also have the police arrest people who come to the City to stand in front of the "Today Show" window. These folks invariably show up in t-shirts decorated with puffy paint, holding idiotic signs which point out that they do in fact come from "Hillbilly Town, USA." That's not necessarily a crime, but I'm sure the quality of life would improve if more of these people ended up in prison.

Despite all of the City's problems, New Yorkers rarely complain about excessive crumbs. Perhaps other cities have more pressing cookie problems, although I'm guessing most major transit systems face bigger issues than cookie-eating riders.

Improving the quality of life is necessary in every major city, not just New York. But I have a hard time believing that a crackdown on snacking commuters will have any effect.