Furby, America's most successful nonsense-spouting midget since Ross Perot, has done us all a favor. As the year comes to a close, the chubby little gremlin has shifted at least a portion of our national focus away from the President's groin and back toward something at least somewhat less odious.

Calling 1998 "The Year of the Furby" might be stretching things a little, but this option clearly beats the other possibilities. In a 365-day span that included both the introduction of Viagra and the ongoing sexual peccadilloes of our president, the more obvious name seems slightly inappropriate.

Though 1998 gave us improved fries at Burger King, a less greasy Pert Plus, and no new Spice Girls albums, it has been a difficult time for our country. Whether you believe the House of Representatives impeached Bill Clinton over perjury or due to his "hands-on" internship program, the entire mess has embarrassed us all.

As we enter 1999, the Senate faces a difficult decision as to how to proceed in this sticky situation. Public opinion leans heavily against impeachment but senators must consider that public opinion has also made Jeff Foxworthy and Carrot Top stars.

Even without the whole Monica Lewinsky affair, 1998 has not been a proud year for the United States. Apparently most of us have slept with at least one elected official, and when we're not doing that, we're watching other people talk about their similar shenanigans on "Jerry Springer."

Other 1998 lowlights include Old Navy's omnipresent advertising campaign, the entire UPN schedule, and the frightening frequency of the words "comic genius" and Adam Sandler appearing in the same sentence. The past year has also given us Ginger Spice as a United Nations representative, Alec Baldwin as a politician, and most disturbingly, advice harpy Dr. Laura Schlessinger as a nudie model.

To do my part to restore the U.S. of A to its proper glory, I have decided to make a series of New Year's resolutions that, if widely adopted, should put us back on track. Hopefully I'll be better at keeping these than I was at keeping my resolution from last year, which was "grow taller."

I had originally considered setting manageable goals for 1999, including "eat more risotto" and "learn how to use an iron." Instead, I've decided on a few more difficult tasks, which appear in no particular order.

1. Don't learn the names of any of the Backstreet Boys.
2. Remember that appearing on a daytime talk show will never help me.
3. Avoid hiring a nanny.
4. Do not trust any member of Motley Crue if he tells me he wants a videotape "for his personal use."
5. Never marry Dennis Rodman.

Okay, so it's not "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country," but it's a start.