Who needs Miss Saigon, the Phantom of the Opera or even one singing cat, when you could have Screech?

Instead of creating yet another three-hour, song-laden extravaganza about tortured lovers or talking creatures, planning has begun for 'Saved By the Bell: The Musical.' At long last, Broadway has recognized the need for a lavish spectacular about the problems of attractive high school students.

A teenage soap opera, the original 'Bell' centered on a group of high school kids and seemed inane even for Saturday morning television. The series, which airs approximately 18 hours a day in syndication, featured the same group of characters who appeared in every 80s film.

On the male side you had Zack, the good-looking preppy, Slater, the dunderheaded (yet good-looking ) jock and Screech, an Uber-nerd so awkward he made Jerry Lewis look like Cary Grant. For the women you had Kelly, the vixenish cheerleader, Jessie, the intellectual (but still attractive) feminist, and Lisa, the token black character with absolutely no distinguishing qualities.

Anyone watching the show who has attended high school immediately realizes that these people would never be friends, but this hardly mattered to the show's sizable teenage audience. Young women had a lot of time on their hands to watch, with 'Titanic' still a few years away and at least one Hanson brother yet to be born. Teenage boys tuned in because the female cast members wore tight clothes and the show was apparently taped in a studio with powerful air conditioning.

Because of these 'virtues,' 'Bell' has achieved an alarmingly high level of awareness among 18 to 25-year-olds. The show even spawned a spin-off series, 'Saved By the Bell: The New Class,' which has more or less remade the original with slightly different actors. That's kind of like tracing a photocopy of a fax, but I guess you stick with what works.

Given all this, one could logically assume that Screech boasts better name recognition among the 18-25 demographic than say, Henry Kissinger. But that does not mean anyone wants to see him starring in a musical.

Of course, the original Screech would probably not even appear in the stage version. Now pushing 30, the man behind the geek, Dustin Diamond, has played the character since the late 80s in both the original 'Bell' and 'New Class,' which has just finished taping its final season. It seems likely that Diamond, instead of anticipating Broadway stardom, can look forward to appearing at supermarket openings between 'The Beaver' and Freddy from 'Silver Spoons.' Unfortunately for him, they never introduced a 'Screechmobile,' which keeps him off the lucrative auto show circuit.

But even with a replacement Screech in the fold, I can find few reasons for a 'Bell' musical. Broadway shows generally have either really powerful stories that distract audiences from crappy songs, or really powerful songs that distract them from crappy stories. We already know that 'Saved By the Bell' has no stories worth telling, and it seems unlikely that any songs could save its premise.