ftp.wwiv.com/ftp.wwiv.com.zip/ftp.wwiv.com/pub/BBS/DF9501R.ZIP/DFE

Text File | 1995-01-01 | 11KB | 196 lines

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COMPUTER'S 'N ME
  by Rich Griebel
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  It was a dark and stormy night . . . .

  Not buying it, eh? Well this is a little story about my
coming of age in the world of computers. It all started on
Christmas, 1991. While visiting family in California, I struck up a
conversation with my brother about computers. He, being a Computer
Systems Engineer for a large airline, seemed very knowledgeable on
the subject. When I told him I had thought about buying the kids a
computer, he got this sly look on his face immediately. I told him I
was concerned about paying $2000 for a piece of equipment that would
depreciate faster than a Pet Rock. I told him that with the rapid
depreciation and upward spiral of computer technology today, the
machine you buy now, will be old stuff in less than a year.

  My brother, obviously taken with my ability to have my finger
on the pulse of the computer industry, said, "broke again, huh?"
Never could fool him, unless it came to a mechanical question, I
talk automotive, he talks to computers. Perhaps that's why he never
married, computers are logical and rarely, according to him, ever
break down. Women, on the other hand, are always looking for someone
to fix their car (I duck and run at this point).

  Anyway, he came up with a 286 system, with all the goodies
except a video card for the monitor and a printer. The best part
was the price, I got it for nothing, he had made it out of spare
parts. I packed it up with the kiddies in the back of my car and
took it home. Once home and settled in, I marched myself down to a
local computer store to buy a video card and a printer. I was
immediately confused. I knew I had an EGA monitor and was told to
get an EGA card, which should cost around $40.

  I was asked a rather long and confusing series of questions,
did I want a parallel port on the card, did I want a high resolution
card that required memory, did I want a 8 or 16 bit card. The only
thing I could think to say was, "what have you got for $40." The
girl at the counter turned and called "Frank" over her shoulder. She
told me "Frank" would take care of me, I immediately concluded I had
breached some branch of computer etiquette and was going to be
flogged by "Frank".

  Frank turned out to be my savior. Wearing jeans, an old
sweatshirt and his hair in a pony tail, he didn't match the folks
on the sales floor. He looked me over, must have determined I was
a lost soul, and asked what I was looking for. I rambled on about
the computer I had obtained and the fact that I needed a EGA card.
He thought about it for a minute and asked if I was going to use a
printer. I was again lost, "Doesn't everyone," I asked, trying not
to sound like I didn't know what I was talking about. Frank, by now
wise to my ignorance, replied, "Not hardly, just a minute".

  I felt for sure now I had ticked off Frank, and my chances of
getting anywhere here were slipping fast. I was surprised to find
Frank returning from the bowels of the store with a circuit board
in his hand. He handed it to me and explained, "This is a used card
I've checked out, it works fine and has a printer port on it if you
need one. Do you need any help or instructions on installing it?"

  Immediately the macho portion of my brain kicked in, how hard
could it be to stick this little card in the computer? I refused any
help and bought the card. It only cost me $20 so I figured I had done
something right. I should have known I was wrong when Frank gave me a
business card with the stores number on it and told me to call him
when I got into a bind with the installation. I later found Frank to
be a wise man, and utilized the phone number many times.

  Once I got the video card home, I began the task of installing
it into the machine. First I needed a large flat space to take the
computer apart. The dining room table looked good, and the wife was
no where in sight. So I set the machine on the table and began trying
to figure out how to take the case off. I have seen it done before so
I removed the screws on the back of the machine and slipped the cover
off. Unknown to me you don't remove *all* of the screws, the power
supply fell out, dangling by some wires. After securing the power
supply I looked things over.

  I matched the little video card I had purchased with one of the
empty expansion slots. After securing the card I assembled the case
and hooked up the keyboard and the monitor. I flipped the switch and,
nothing. The machine came on, made some noises at the start but the
screen was blank. I fiddled with the controls on the monitor to no
avail. Lesson one, never put the case back together until you are
sure the machine works. So now I call my buddy Frank. I can hear him
smirk on the phone as he walks me through setting the little switches
on the video card.

  I fire the machine up again (minus the case) half expecting a
thread of smoke and a blown fuse. It worked, I had a screen showing
the machine booting up. Quickly, I shut it off and assembled the
case, can't waste any time, you never know what diabolical things
the machine will do while its shut off. Now I was faced with the ever
familiar C:\> that greets every DOS user, and I didn't have a clue.
So when in doubt, call a kid. I called my 15 year old daughter, who
used computers in school everyday. She looked at the screen and said,
"Where's the gooie."

  I looked at her and using a calm controlled voice responded
intelligently, "Huh?"

  "Dad, we use Apples and Mac's at school, it doesn't have that
thingy there. That's *DOS*!"

  "Oh god", I thought, "what has my brother done to me now". I
stared at the screen for a while, and tried to remember what I had
learned when I used a computer at work. I drew a blank, which, if you
listen to my wife, is the story of my life. So I tried a few commands
at the prompt. For each one the computer rebuked me with a "bad
command or file name" lecture. When I had a screen full of those, I
got up and got something to drink. Demanding work this computer
stuff, takes a lot out of you.

  My wife, who has a unlimited source of knowledge at her
fingertips, walked over to the machine, turned it off and gave me
two books that my brother had shipped with the computer. I was given
two commands, first, clean off the dining room table, two, try
reading the book. Its generally a wise idea to follow her commands in
the order received. So I picked up the mess, organized the computer
so it didn't look like something Rube Goldberg had tossed together
and put it on a table over in the corner of the dining room. Then I
sat down with the _MICROSOFT MS DOS 3.3 USERS GUIDE AND REFERENCE_.
Obviously people who write these books are taught to use confusing
and deceptive literary skills. It's like a secret code they developed
to confuse everyone who, back in High School, called them nerds. And
it worked. I didn't have a clue what I was reading and it was like
the computer knew it.

  After about an hour with the book I actually got the computer
to do something. I got it to show me the root directory. What glee!
I had it show it to me so many times it must have thought I was lost
because that was all I could do. I read further and finally got the
computer to start Windows 286. For those who don't know what Windows
286 is, it's a program Microsoft came up with to make you wish you
had a 386. Now I was somewhere, but I couldn't get the computer to do
anything again. I had this nice desktop, but none of the keys worked.
By this time my frustration level was at its peak. Thoughts of some
chain saw adjustments were running through my head. Then I found the
Windows book, shut the computer off, and walked away to read more.

  I had always thought a mouse was something you laid traps for.
Now I was looking through the box of parts trying to find a "mouse".
I took everything out of the box and didn't find anything that
matched the description "pointing device". I pictured one of those
light pens that I had used at work. My daughter, obviously tired of
hearing my tirades, came down stairs, looked in the box, and handed
me a plastic switchbox with a long wire coming out of it. "Mouse",
she said, and walked away. Our children are in league with the
computer nerds to make sniveling idiots out of their parents. It was
working on me.

  The long cord had a plug on the end that matched a socket on the
back of the computer. Being a doubting type I didn't believe it was
that simple. After all, this thing had been less than cooperative
from the first time I turned it on. I plugged in the cord and started
the computer. The DOS prompt appeared and I began moving the mouse
around clicking the buttons, nothing, nadda, zip. I sat back in the
chair and thought to myself, "There is no God." Perhaps this was the
final straw, the final insult. Chain saw, no, death by chopping maul,
or maybe I'll just set it out in the unforgiving Northwest Washington
rain and let it slowly rust to death.

  I decided to load Windows again and try to figure out the
keystrokes in the book. When windows started there was a little
arrow, often covered by a little hourglass as Windows loaded. When
the loading process was through, there was that arrow. I moved the
mouse, the arrow moved. I clicked the buttons, it picked things from
the menu. I managed to get a few things to actually work and I was
amazed. Ok, that's Windows, but I know that there's more to computing
than Windows. So I drop to DOS and start searching for other things
to run. I managed NOT to reformat the Hard Drive, only because they
build in a warning that you can't, well, almost can't, screw up.

  That's how it all started. Now I'm surrounded by computers, five
in all, connected in a Local Area Network operating two Electronic
Bulletin Boards and performing tasks I never thought possible back
in January 1992. But I keep the trusty chain saw close by, you gotta
show 'em who's the boss.

                               {DREAM}

Copyright 1994 Rich Griebel, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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Rich Griebel is a Commercial Vehicle Enforcement Officer / Washington
State Patrol. His writing is generally reserved to training documents
at work. He's had a wide and varied career, Truck Driver, High School
Teacher and Law Enforcement. He can be reached at 2 BBS's, run with
wife Sheri; COPLINK, 1:343/304 [phone] or Writer & Photographer
Exchange, 1:343/305 [phone]; or rich.griebel@gun&hose.damar.com
also on Compuserve ID 75277,2355. He's like to hear from you.
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