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BLONDE.DOC
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Text File
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1992-12-24
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69KB
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1,818 lines
072010303050000144002006006010000
11
2Page #1
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9[..◆.◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆....◆.]0110
éWehavegotabsolutelynothingagainstblondes...it'sjustthatthe
jokescanbesoincrediblyfunnythatwewantedtoincludethem...I
(Gard)tookthisfiledownfromthenetearlierthisyear,andsince
thisissueofScribawasdedicatedtoblondes,well,whynotinclude
it?Ihavebeendoingsomeworktomakethefilelookabitnicer,but
thecontentsareexactlythesameastheoriginalversiononthenet.
Havefun!!!
Gard
Ç
üThecompletesetofblondejokes
ÇbyTroyC.Belding
äThisisthemostcompletesetofblondejokesIhaveseen.Thisisthe
updatedversion,with(Ithink)allduplicationsremoved.Ifyouhavea
question,requestforthejokes,duplicationtopointout,oroneyou
thinkshouldbeincluded,mailhssm@menudo.uh.edu.
Thereare435jokesinthislist.391Q&Ajokes,and44storyandone
linerjokes.(thisdoesnotincludemultipleanswerstothesame
question.Includingthoseitisabout450jokes)
àPLEASE,IFYOUCOPYTHISOFFOFTHENET,PLEASELEAVEMYNAMEONTHE
BOTTOMSOTHATIKNOWHOWMANYAREFLOATINGAROUND,ANDTHATIGETCREDIT
FORTHETHREEWEEKSANDMOREISPENTONIT.
THANKYOU.
Ç
åDisclaimer:Thesearenotmyjokes,Ionlycompiledthem,anycomplaints
shouldbepostedonrec.humor,ordirectedtowardsyourlocal
congressman.
TroyC.Belding
Ç
10/27/92
üTheCompleteSetOfBlondeJokes
-----------------------------------
Ç
Q:Howdoblondebraincellsdie?
A:Alone.
Q:Howdoyoubrainwashablonde?
A:Giveheradoucheandshakeherupsidedown.
Q:Howdoyouchangeablonde'smind?
A1:Blowinherear.
A2:Buyheranotherbeer.
Q:Howdoyoumeasureablonde'sintelligence?
A:Stickatirepressuregaugeinherear!
Q:Howdoyougetablondepregnant?
A:Comeinhershoesandletthefliesdotherest.
Q:Howdoyougetablondetomarryyou?
A:Tellhershe'spregnant.
Q:Whatwillsheaskyou?
A:"Isitmine?"
ÇQ:Howdoesablondekillafish?
A:Shedrownsit.
Q:AblondgoingtoLondononaplane,howcanyousteal
herwindowseat?
A:TellhertheseatsthataregoingtoLondonare
allinthemiddlerow.
Q:Howdoyouamuseablondeforhours?
A:Write'Pleaseturnover'onbothsidesofapieceofpaper
Q:Howdoesablondeholdherliquor?
A:Bytheears.
Q:Howdoesablondemoonwalk?
A:Shepullsdownherpantiesandslidesherassalongthefloor!
Q:Whyareonly2%ofblondestouch-typists?
A:Therestarehunt'npeckers.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondmother-in-law?
A:Anairbag.
Q:Whyareblonde'scoffinsY-shaped?
A:Becauseassoonastheyareontheirbacks,theirlegsopen.
Q:Whyshouldyounevertakeablondeoutforcoffee?
A:It'stoohardtore-trainthem.
Q:Whatdoblondesdoforforeplay?
A:Removetheirunderwear.
Q:Whatdoblondeswearbehindtheirearstoattractmen.
A:Theirheels.
Q:What'sthematingcalloftheblonde?
A:"I'müsoooÇdrunk!"
Q:Whatisthematingcalloftheuglyblonde?
A:(Screaming)"Isaid:I'mdrunk!"
Q:What'sthematingcallofthebrunette?
A:"Alltheblondeshavegonehome!"
Q:What'sabrunette'smatingcall?
A:Hasthatblondegoneyet?
Q:Whatisthebrunette'smatingcall?
A:Whenisthatblondbitchgoingtoleave!?
Q:What'sthematingcalloftheredhead?
A:"Next!"
Q:Whydon'tblondeshaveelevatorjobs?
A:Theydon'tknowtheroute.
Q:Whydoblondesworksevendaysaweek?
A:Soyoudon'thavetoretrainthemonMonday.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandanironingboard?
ÇA:It'sdifficulttoopenthelegsofanironingboard.
Q:Whatisforeplayforablonde?
A:Thirtyminutesofbegging.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandabroomcloset?
A:Onlytwomenfitinsideabroomclosetatonce.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandaphonebooth?
A1:Youneedaquartertousethephone.
A2:Onlyonepersoncanusethephoneatonce.
Q:WhatdoestheBermudaTriangleandblondeshaveincommon?
A:They'vebothswallowedalotofsemen.
Q:Whatdidtheblondesaywhensheknockedoverthepriceless
Mingvase?
A"It'sOKDaddy,I'mnothurt."
Q:Howdoesablondecommitsuicide?
A:Shegathersherclothesintoapileandjumpsoff.
Q:Howdoyouplantdope?
A:Buryablonde.
Q:Whydidgodgiveblonds2%morebrainsthanhorses?
A:Becausehedidn'twantthemshittinginthestreets
duringparades.
Q:Howdoyougetaone-armedblondeoutofatree?
A:Wavetoher.
Q:Howdoesablondemeasurehis/herIQ?
A:Withatiregauge!(dadadum)
Q:Howdoestheblondturnonthelightaftershe
hashadsex?
A:Sheopensthecardoor.
Q:Howdoesablondegetpregnant?
A:AndIthoughtblondesweredumb!
Q:Howdoesablondeparttheirhair?
A1:(Actionofscissoringlegsapart)
A2:Bydoingthesplits.
Q:Howdoyougetablondeseyestotwinkle?
A:Shineatorchinherears.
Q:Howdoyoutellwhenablondereachesorgasm?
A1:Shedropshernail-file!
A2:Whocares?
A3:Shesays,"Next".
A4:Thenextpersoninthequeuetapsyouontheshoulder.
A5:He'shadhisclothesforabout2minutes.
A6:Imean,whoreallycares?
A7:Thebatterieshaverunout.
Q:Howdoyoumakeablonde'seyeslightup?
A:Shineaflashlightintheirear.
Ç
Q:Whydoblondeswearshoulderpads?
A:(Witharockingoftheheadfromsidetoside)Idunno!
Q:Howdoyoukillablonde?
A:Putspikesintheirshoulderpads.
Q:Howdoblondespiercetheirears?
A:Theyputtacksintheirshoulderpads.
Q:Howdoesablondelikehereggs?
A:Unfertilized.
Q:Howdoyoudrownablond?
A1:Putamirroratthebottomofthepool.
A2:Don'ttellhertoswallow.
A3:Leaveascratchandsniffatthebottomofthepool.
Q:Howdoyoutellifablondedidyourlandscaping?
A:Thebushesaredarkerthantherestoftheyard.
Q:Howdoesablondehigh-5?
A:Shesmacksherselfintheforehead.
Q:Howdoyoudescribeablonde,surroundedbydrooling
idiots?
A:Flattered.
Q:WhatdoyoucallablondewithESPandPMS?
A:Aknow-it-allbitch.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenacounterfeitdollaranda
skinnyblonde?
A:One'saphonybuck.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenachoruslineofblondesand
amagician?
A:Amagicianhasacunningarrayofstunts.
Q:Whatisthebestblondesecretaryintheworldtohave?
A:Onethatnevermissesaperiod.
Q:Whatdoesablondethinkaninnuendois?
A:AnItaliansuppository.
Q:Whydoesn'tablondesgutsfalloutofhertwatwhen
shestands?
A:Becausethevaccuminherheadkeepstheminplace.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenhavingsexwithablondeand
eatingJell-o?
A:Jell-owiggleswhenyoueatit.
Q:Whatdoyougetwhenyoucrossablondeandalawyer?
A1:Idon'tknow,therearesomethingsevenablondewon'tdo.
A2:Somethingthatwhenitgivesyouablowjob,itwon't
stopuntilitgetsblood.
Q:Whywastheblondewearinghersunglasses?
A:Shewashavingsunnyperiods.
Ç
Q:Whattwothingsintheaircangetablondepregnant?
A:Herfeet!
Q:Howcanyoutellwhenablondeiswearingpantyhose?
A:Whenshefarts,herkneesbag.
Q:What'sthediseasethatparalyzesblondesbelowthewaist?
A:Marriage.
Q:Howisablondelikeafryingpan?
A:Youhavetogetthemhotbeforeyouputinthemeat.
Q:Howdoesablondeinterpret6.9?
A:A69interruptedbyaperiod.
Q:HowdoyoumakeablondlaughonMondaymornings?
A:TellthemajokeonFridaynight!
Q:Howdoyoudescribetheperfectblonde?
A:3feettall,noteeth,andaflatheadtorestyourbeeron.
Q:Howdoyouconfuseablonde?
A:Youdon't.They'rebornthatway.
Q:WhydoblondeshateM&Ms?
A:They'retoohardtopeel.
Q:Howdoyoudriveablondecrazy?
A:GiveherabagofM&Msandtellhertoalphabetisethem.
Q:Whydoesitwork?
A:"Does3comebeforeE,betweenMandW,orattheend?"
Q:Howdoyouknowwhenablondehasbeenmakingchocolate
chipcookies?
A:YoufindM&Mshellsalloverthekitchenfloor.
Q:WhatjobfunctiondoesablondehaveinanM&Mfactory?
A:Proofreading.
Q:DoyouknowwhytheblondegotfiredfromtheM&Mfactory?
A:ForthrowingouttheW's.
Q:Whydon'tblondeslikemakingKOOL-AID?
A:Becausetheycan'tfit8cupsofwaterinthelittle
packet.
Q:Whydoesablondehavefuronthehemofherdress?
A:Tokeepherankleswarm.
Q:Howcanyoutellablondehadabadday?
A:Hertamponisbehindherearandshedoesn'tknowwhat
shedidwithhercigarette.
Q:Whatdoesablondesayaftermultipleorgasms?
A:Waytogoteam!
Q:Howcanyoutellifablondehasavibrator?
A:Bythechippedtooth.
Ç
Q:Howdoyoukeepablondeinsuspense?
A:(I'lltellyoutomorrow.)
Q:Whydoblondeswearshoulderpads?
A:Tokeepfrombruisingtheirears.
Q:Whydoblondeshavevaginas?
A:Soguyswilltalktothematparties.
Q:Whydoestheblondestandinfrontofawindowduringa
thunderstorm?
A:Shelovestakingpictures(flashes,gotit?).
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewitharunnynose?
A:Full.
Q:Whatdoesablondeanswertothequestion
"Areyousexuallyactive?"
A:"No,Ijustliethere."
Q:What'sthefirstthingablondesaysinthemorning?
A:"Thanks,guys..."
Q:Whatdoyoucall10blondesatthebottomofthepool?
A:Airpockets.
Q:Whatdoes"Bones"McCoysaybeforeheperformsbrain
surgeryonablonde?
A:"Space.Thefinalfrontier......"
Q:HowmanyblondesdoesittaketoscrewtheentireBengals
team?
A:JustOne...BoomerEsiason.
Q:What'sbrownandredandblackandblue?
A:Abrunettewho'stoldonetoomanyblondejokes.
Q:Whatdoyoucallabrunetteandthreeblondesonacorner?
A:Youdon't,youseeifyou'vegot3condoms.
Q:Whydidtheblondekeepicecubesinthefreezer?
A:Soshecouldkeeptherefrigeratorcold.
Q:Howdidtheblondebreakherlegplayinghockeywiththe
TorontoMapleLeafs?
A:Shefelloutofthetree.
Q:HowmanyblondesdoesittaketoplayHideandSeek?
A:One.
Q:Whycouldn'ttheblondewritethenumberELEVEN?
A:Shedidn'tknowwhatONEcamefirst...
Q:Whydon'tblondestalkwhenhavingsex?
A1:Theirmotherstoldthemnottotalktostrangers.
A2:Theirmotherstoldthemnotwiththeirmouthsfull.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewith90%ofherintelligencegone?
A:Divorced.
Ç
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewithoutanasshole?
A:Divorced.
Q:Howmanyblondesdoesittaketomakeacircuit?
A:Two,Onetostandinthebathtub,andanothertopassherthe
blowdryer!
Q:Howisablondelikeapostagestamp?
A:Youlick'm,stick'em,andsend'emontheirway.
Q:Howdoyoudescribe3prostitutesandablonde?
A:Ho,Ho,Ho,andtoallagoodnight.
Q:Howdidtheblondetrytokillthebird?
A:Shethrewitoffacliff.
Q:Howdidtheblondebreakherlegrakingleaves?
A:Shefelloutofthetree.
Q:Howdidtheblondediedrinkingmilk?
A:Thecowfellonher.
Q:Howdidtheblondeburnhernose?
A:Bobbingforfrenchfries.
Q:Howcanyoutellwhichblondeisthewaitress?
A:Sheistheonewiththetamponbehindherear,wondering
whatshedidwithherpencil.
Q1:Howcanyoutellifablonde'sbeenusingthecomputer?
A:There'swhite-outonthescreen.
Q2:Howcanyoutellifanotherblonde'sbeenusingthecomputer?
A:There'swritingonthewhite-out.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandacomputer?
A:Youonlyhavetopunchinformationintoacomputeronce.
Q:Whatdidtheblondethinkofthenewcomputer?
A:Shedidn'tlikeit'cosshecouldn'tgetchannel9....
Q:Howcanyoutellifablondehasbeeninyourrefrigerator?
A:Bythelipstickonyourcucumbers.
Q:Howcanyoutellifablondeworksinanoffice?
A:Abedinthestockroomandhugesmilesonallthe
bosses'faces.
Q:Howcanyoutellwhenablondeisdating?
A:Bythebuckleprintonherforehead.
Q:Howcanyoutellwhoisablonde'sboyfriend?
A:He'stheonewiththebeltbucklethematchestheimpression
inherforehead!
Q:Howcanyoutellifablondewritesmysteries?
A:Shehasacheckbook.
Q:HowcanyoutellwhenaFAXhadbeensentfromablonde?
A:Thereisastamponit.
Ç
Q:Howcanyoutellifablondeisagoodcook?
A:Shegetsthepoptartsoutofthetoasterinonepiece.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandatelephone?
A:Itcosts30centstouseatelephone.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandaguy?
A:Theblondehasthehigherspermcount.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandthePanamaCanal?
A:ThePanamaCanalisabusyditch.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenatribeofpygmiesanda
blondetrackteam?
A:Thepygmiesareabunchofcunningrunts.
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenacrazyfightinghockeyplayer
andablonde?
A:Heisfussybynatureandwouldgotoanylengthtogetapuck.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandatrampoline?
A:Youtakeoffyourshoesbeforeusingatrampoline.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenaprostitute,anymphomaniac,
andablonde?
A:Theprostitutesays"Aren'tyoudoneyet?"
Thenymphosays"Areyoudonealready?"
Theblondesays"Beige...IthinkI'llpaintthe
ceilingbeige."
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenIndianaandablonde?
A:Ablondehaslargerhillsanddeepervalleys.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandatoothbrush?
A:Youdon'tletyourbestfriendborrowyourtoothbrush.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandyourjob?
A:Yourjobstillsucksafter6months.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondhavingherperiodand
aterrorist?
A:Youcannegotiatewithaterrorist.
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenablondandatoilet?
A:Atoiletwon'tfollowyouaroundafteryouuseit.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandarooster?
A:Inthemorningaroostersays,"Cock'll-doodl-doooo",whilea
blondesays,"Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandalimousine?
A:Noteverybodyhasbeeninalimo.
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenablondeandabowlingball?
A1:Youcanonlygetthreefingersinabowlingball.
A2:Youcan'tfittheblondeinthebowlingball.
A3:Thereisnodifference.They'rebothroundandhave
threeholestopoke.
A4:Youdon'teatyourbowlingball
Ç
Q:WhatisthedifferencebetweenablondeandtheGrandOldDukeof
York?
A:TheGrandOldDukeofYorkonly'had'10000men.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenapitbullandablondewith
PMS?
A:Lipstick.
Q:Whyisitgoodtohaveablondepassenger?
A:Youcanparkinthehandicapzone.
Q:Whyisablondelikeaturtle?
A:Theybothgetfuckedupwhenthey'reontheirback.
Q:Whyshouldblondesnotbegivencoffeebreaks?
A:Ittakestoolongtoretrainthem.
Q:WhydoesNASAhireperoxideblondes?
A:They'redoingresearchonblackholes.
Q:Whydoesablondeinsistonhimwearingacondom?
A:Soshecanhaveadoggiebagforlater.
Q:Whydoesablondeonlychangeherbaby'sdiapersevery
month?
A:Becauseitsaysrightonit"goodforupto20pounds."
Q:Whydoblondeshavesee-throughlunchboxlids?
A1:Sotheyknowifitismorningorafternoon.
A2:Sothatwhenthey'reonthetraintheycantell
ifthey'regoingtoworkorcominghome.
Q:Whydomenlikeblondejokes??
A:Becausetheycanunderstandthem.
Q:Whydoblondeslikelightning?
A:Theythinksomeoneistakingtheirpicture.
Q:Whydoallblondesallhaveadimpleontheirchinanda
flatforehead?
A:Fingeronchin-Idon'tknow.Hitsforehead-OhIgetit!
Q:Whydoblondeshavelittleholesallovertheirfaces?
A:Fromeatingwithforks.
Q:Whydoblondeshavemorefun?
A:Becausetheydon'tknowanybetter.
*A:Theyareeasiertokeepamused.
Q:Whydoblonde'sfinditdifficulttomarry?
A:Becauseyoudon'thavetomarrythemforsex!
Q:Whydoblondeshavelegs?
A1:Sotheydon'tgetstucktotheground.
A2:Togetbetweenthebedroomandthekitchen.
A3:Sotheydon'tleavetrails,likelittlesnails.
Q:Whydoblondeshavetwomorebraincellsthanacow?
A:Sothatwhenyoupulltheirtits,theydon'tmoo.
ÇA2:Sotheydon'tshiteverywherewhenyoupulltheirtits.
Q:WhydoblondesdriveBMWs?
A:Becausetheycanspellit.
Q:Whydoblondegirlshavetroubleachievingorgasm?
A:üWhocares?Ç
Q:Whydoblondeshaveperiods?
A:Theydeservethem
Q:Whydoblondeshavebigbellybuttons?
A:Fromdatingblondemen.
Q:Whydoblondesweartampons?
A:BecausecrabslikeBungieJumpingtoo.
Q:WhydoblondesdriveVW's
A:Becausetheycan'tspellPORSCHE!!
Q:Whydoblondesputtheirhairinponytails?
A:Tocoverupthevalvestem.
Q:Whydoblondshavesquareboobs?
A:Becausetheyforgottotakethetissuesoutofthebox.
Q:WhydoBlondestakethepill?
A:Sotheyknowwhatdayoftheweekitis.
Q:Butwhydobrunettestakethepill?
A:WishfulThinking.
Q:WhydoBlondeshaveTGIFontheirshoes?
A:Toesgoinfirst.
Q:WhydoBlondeshaveTGIFontheirshirts?
A:Titsgoinfront.
Q:Whydoblondesliketiltsteering?
A:Moreheadroom.
Q:Whydoblondesdrivecarswithsunroofs?
A:Morelegroom.
Q:Whydoblondshaveorgasms?
A:Sotheyknowwhentostophavingsex!
Q:Whydoblondeswearunderwear?
A:Theymakegoodanklewarmers.
Q:WhydoBlondesliketheGST?(GST--GoodsandServicesTax
nowineffectinCanada)
A:Becausetheycanspellit.
Q:Whatis74toablonde?
A:69plusG.S.T.
Q:Whydoblondesweargreenlipstick?
A:Becauseredmeansstop.
ÇQ:Whydoblondeswearredlipstick?
A:Becauseredmeans"Stop,wronghole."
Q:Whydoblondeswearhoopearings?
A:Theyhavetohavesomeplacetoresttheirankles.
Q:Whydoblondeswashtheirhairinthesink?
A:Because,that'swhereyou'resupposedtowashvegetables!
Q:Whydoblondesweartheirhairup?
A:Tocatchasmuchastheycanthatisovertheirheads.
Q:Whydon'tblondesdoublerecipes?
A:Theovendoesn'tgoto700degrees.
Q:Whydon'tblondesmakegoodpharmacists?
A:Theycan'tgetthebottleintothetypewriter.
Q:Whydon'tblondescall911inanemergency?
A1:Theycan'trememberthenumber.
A2:Shecan'tfindthenumber11onthetelephonebuttons.
Q:Whydoblondesalwaysdiebeforehelparrives?
A:Theyalwaysforgetthe"11"in"9-1-1".
Q:Whydon'tblondeseatbananas?
A:Theycan'tfindthezipper.
Q:Whydon'tblondesinSanFranciscowearshortblackmini
skirts?
A:Causetheirballsshow!
Q:Whydon'tblondsbreastfeed?
A:Becausetheyalwaysburntheirniples.
Q:Whydon'tblondesusevibrators?
A:Theychiptheirteeth.
Q:Whydon'tblondeseatJello?
A:Theycan'tfigureouthowtogettwocupsofwaterinto
thoselittlepackages.
Q:Whydon'tblondeseatpickles?
A:Becausetheycan'tgettheirheadinthejar.
Q:What'sthefirstthingablondedoesinthemorning?
A1:Introducesthemself.
A2:Walkshome.
Q:What'sthefirstthingablondedoesaftersex?
A:Opensthecardoor.
Q:Whatistheworstthingaboutsexwithablond?
A:Bucketseats.
Q:Whatimportantquestiondoesablondeaskhis/hermate
beforehavingsex?
A:Doyouwantthisbythehour,ortheflatrate?
Q:Howmanyblondesdoesittaketochangealightbulb?
ÇA1:"What'salightbulb?"
A2:One.Sheholdsthebulbandtheworldrevolvesaroundher.
A3:Two.OnetoholdtheDietPepsi,andonetocall,"Daaady!"
Q:What'sablonde'sfavouritewine?
A:"Daaaady,IwanttogotoMiaaami!"
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenablondanda747?
A:Noteveryonehasbeenina747
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondetouchinghertoes?
A:Abrunettewithbadbreath.
Q:SantaClaus,theToothFairy,adumbblonde,andasmart
blondearewalkingdownthestreetwhentheyspota$10
bill.Whopicksitup?
A:Thedumbblonde!because,thereisnosuchthingasSanta
Claus,thetoothfairy,orasmartblonde.
A2:Noneofthem,twodon'texistandthedumbblondethought
itwasagumwrapper.
Q:Ifablondeandabrunettearetossedoffabuilding,who
hitsthegroundfirst?
A:Thebrunette.Theblondehastostoptoaskfordirections.
Q:WhathappenswhenablondegetsAlzheimersdisease?
A:HerIQgoesup!
Q:WhatsthedifferencebetweenablondeandaPorsche?
A:Youdon'tlendthePorscheouttoyourfriend.
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenbutterandablonde?
A:Butterisdifficulttospread.
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenablondeand"TheTitanic"?
A:Theyknowhowmanymenwentdownon"TheTitanic".
Q:WhatisthedifferencebetweenasmartblondeandBigfoot?
A:Bigfoothasbeenspotted.
Q:Whyisawashingmachinebetterthanablonde?
A:Becauseyoucandropyourloadinawashingmachine,andit
won'tfollowyouaroundforaweek.
Q:Whatdoyousaytoablondewithnoarmsandnolegs?
A:"Nicetits!"
Q:Whatdoesablondemakebestfordinner?
A:Reservations.
Q:WhatdoDarrenMillane(Collingwoodfootballerkilledina
recentcarcrash)andablondehaveincommon?
A:Puteitherof'eminacarandtheirfucked.
Q:Whatdoblondesdowiththeirarseholesinthemorning?
A:Packtheirlunchandsendthemtowork.
Q:Whatdoesablondesaywhenshegivesbirth?
A:Gee,Areyousureit'smine?
ÇQ:Whatdoblondesandcow-patshaveincommon?
A:Theybothgeteasiertopick-upwithage.
Q:Whatdoesablondesaywhenyouaskherifherblinkerison?
A:It'son.It'soff.It'son.It'soff.It'son.It'soff.
Q:Whatdoesaperoxideblondeanda747haveincommon?
A1:Theybothhaveablackbox.
A2:Bothhaveacockpit.
Q:Whatdoyougetwhenyouofferablondeapennyforher
thoughts?
A:Change.
Q:Whatdoesablondesayifyoublowinhis/herear?
A:"Thanksfortherefill!"
Q:Whatdoblondesdoaftertheycombtheirhair?
A:Theypulluptheirpants.
Q:Whatdoyoucallaskeletonintheclosetwithblondehair?
A:Lastyearshideandgoseekwinner.
Q:Whatdoyoucallabasementfullofblondes?
A:Awhinecellar.
Q:Whatdoyoucallfiveblondesatthebottomofthepool?
A:Airbubbles.
Q:Whatdoyoucallaroomfullofwomen,halfwithPMS,half
withyeastinfections?
A:Awhineandcheeseparty!
Q:Whatdoyoucall3blondes,achimp,andanotherblonde
standingonastreetcorner?
A:4f*cks,4f*cks,4f*cks,notforazillionf*cks,4f*cks!
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondelesbian?
A:Awaste.
Q:Whatdoyoucall4blondeslyingontheground?
A:Anairmattress.
Q:Whatdoyoucalladumbblondebehindasteeringwheel?
A:AnAirBag.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondebetweentwobrunettes?
A:Amentalblock.
Q:Whatdoyoucall10blondesstandingeartoear?
A:Awindtunnel.
Q:Whatdoyoucall15blondesinacircle?
A:Adopering.
Q:WhatdoyoucallanunmarriedblondinaBMW?
A:Divorcee'
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewith2braincells?
A:Pregnant.
Ç
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondeinaninstitutionofhigher
learning?
A:Avisitor.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewithhalfabrain?
A:Gifted!
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewithadollaronthetopoftheir
head?
A:Allyoucaneat,underabuck.
Q:Whatdoyoucallabrunettewithablondeoneitherside?
A:Aninterpreter.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondwithabagofsugaronherhead?
A:SweetFuckAll...
Q:Whatdoyoucallaswimmingpoolfullofblondes?
A:FrostedFlakes.
Q:Whatdoyoucall20blondesinafreezer?
A:FrostedFlakes.
Q:Whatdoyoucallaflybuzzinginsideablonde'shead?
A:ASpaceInvader.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondeinatreewithabriefcase?
A:BranchManager.
Q:Whatdoyoucallasmartblond?
A1:Agoldenretriever.
A2:Anindicatorofareallybadhangover.
Q:Whatdoyoucalltwonunsandablonde?
A:Twotightendsandawidereceiver.
Q:Whatdoyouseewhenyoulookintoablonde'seyes?
A:Thebackofherhead.
Q:Whatdoyougetwhenyoucrossablondeandagorilla?
A:Whoknows,thereisonlysomuchagorillacanbeforcedto
do...
Q:Whatdoyoucallahookerandfourblondes?
A:Regularprice,fourbucks,fourbucks,fourbucks,
fourbucks.
Q:Whatdoyoucallitwhenablondediestheirhairbrunette?
A:Artificialintelligence.
Q:Whatdoablondeandyourcomputerhaveincommon?
A:Youdon'tknowhowmucheitherofthemmeantoyouuntilthey
godownonyou.
Q:Whatdoyoudowhenablondethroesahandgrenadeatyou?
A:Pullthepinandthrowitback.
Q:Whatdoabowlingballandablondehaveincommon?
A:chancesarethey'llbothendupinthegutter.
Ç
Q:Whatdoesablondeputbehindherearstomakehermore
attractive?
A:Herankles.
Q:WhatdoyousaytoaBlondethatwon'tgivein?
A:"Haveanotherbeer."
Q:WhatdoBlondessayaftersex?
A1:ThanksGuys.
A2:Areyouboysallinthesameband?
A3:Doyouguysallplayforthe(..............)?insertteam
namehere.
Q:Whatdoesablondesaywhenyoublowintheirear?
A:"Thanksfortherefill!"
Q:Whatdoesascreendoorandablondehaveincommon?
A:Themoreyoubangitthelooseritgets.
Q:Whatdoesablondandabeerbottlehaveincommon?
A:They'rebothemptyfromtheneckup.
Q:Whatdoblondsandspaghettihaveincommon?
A:Theybothwrigglewhenyoueatthem.
Q:Whatdoperoxideblondsandblackmenhaveincommon?
A:Theybothhaveblackroots.
Q:Whatdoyouseewhenyoulookintoablonde'seyes?
A:Thebackofherhead.
Q:Whatdoesablondeowlsay?
A:What,what?
Q:Whatdoyoucallazitonablonde'sass?
A:Abraintumor.
Q:Whatdoyougetwhenyouturn3blondesupside-down?
A:Twobrunettes.
Q:WhatdoablondeandPresdientGorbachevhaveincommon?
A:Theybothgotfuckedby10menwhilstonholiday.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandPresidentGorbachev?
A:Heknowswhothetenmenwere.
Q:Howmanyblondesdoesittaketomakechocolate-chip
cookies?
A1:10.Onetomixthedoughandninetopeelthesmarties.
A2:Three...onetomixthebatterandtwotosqueezetherabbit.
Q:Whatdidtheblonde'smumsaytoherbeforetheblonde'sdate.
A:Ifyou'renotinbedby12,comehome.
Q:What'stheBlonde'scheer?
A:"I'mblonde,I'mblonde,I'mB.L.O.N....ah,ohwell..
I'mblonde,I'mblonde,yeayeayea..."
Q:Whydidtheblondecrosstheroad?
ÇA:Nevermindthat!Whatwasshedoingoutofthebedroom?!?
R:Idon'tknow.
A:Neitherdidshe.
Q:Whydidtheblondescalethechain-linkfence?
A:Toseewhatwasontheotherside.
Q:Whydidtheblondehaveasorenavel?
A:Becauseherboyfriendwasalsoblond!
Q:Whydidtheystopdoingthe"WAVE"atBYU?
A:Toomanyblondesweredrowning.
Q:WhydidBushwanttosendblondeswithPMSovertoIraq?
A:They'remadenoughtokillandtheycanretainwater.
Q:Whydidtheblondefailatbeingaprostitute?
A:Becauseshegaveblow-jobsliterally.
Q:Whydidtheblondesmilewhenshewalkedthemarriageaisle?
A:Sherealizedshegaveherlastblowjob.
Q:Whydoblondesgivesuchgoodblowjobs?
A:Becausethat'swhattheytrainforalltheirlives.
Q:Whydidtheblondetattooherzipcodeonherstomach?
A:Sohermalewouldgetdeliveredtotherightbox.
Q:Whydidtheblondehavetiretreadmarksonherback?
A:Fromcrawlingacrossthestreetwhenthesignsaid
"DON'TWALK".
Q:Whydidtheblondekeepacoathangerinherbackseat?
A:Incaseshelocksthekeysinhercar.
Q:Whydidtheblondetip-toepastthemedicinecabinet?
A:Soshewouldn'twakeupthesleepingpills.
Q:Whydidthedeafblondesitonanewspaper?
A:Soshecouldlipread.
Q:WhydidGodcreateblondes?
A:Becausesheepcan'tbringbeerfromthefridge.
Q:WhydidGodcreatebrunettes?
A:Neithercouldtheblondes.
Q:Whydidtheblondewearcondomsonherears?
A:Soshewouldn'tgetHearingAides.
Q:Whydidtheblondedriveintotheditch?
A:Toturntheblinkeroff.
Q:Whydidtheblondetryandstealapolicecar?
A:Shesaw"911"onthebackandthoughtitwasaPorsche.
Q:Whydidtheblondescaletheglasswall?
A:Toseewhatwasontheotherside.
Q:Whydidtheblondewanttobecomeaveternarian?
A:Becauseshelovedchildren.
Ç
Q:Whydidtheblondtakehertypewritertothedoctor??
A:Shethoughtitwaspregnantbecausmissedaperiod.
Q:Whydidtheycalltheblondtwinkie?
A:Shelikedtobefilledwithcream.
Q:WhydidtheblondegohalfwaytoNorwayandthenturn
aroundandcomehome?
A:Ittookherthatlongtodiscoverthata14inchVikingwas
atelevision.
Q:Whydidn'ttheblondewantawindowseatontheplane?
A:She'djustdyedherhair.
Q:Whydidn'ttheblondewantawindowseatontheplane?
A:She'djustblowdriedherhairandshedidn'twantit
blownaroundtoomuch.
Q:Whydidtheblondestopusingthepill?
A:Becauseitkeptfallingout.
Q:Whydidtheblondegetsoexcitedaftershefinishedher
jigsawpuzzleinonly6months?
A:BecauseontheboxitsaidFrom2-4years.
Q:Whyaren'ttheremanyblondegymnasts?
A:Becausewhentheydothesplits,theysticktothefloor.
Q:Whydon'tblondeslikemakingKOOL-AID?
A:Becausetheycan'tfit8cupsofwaterinthelittle
packet.
Q:Whydoesablondehavefuronthehemofherdress?
A:Tokeepherankleswarm.
Q:Howcanyoutellablondehadabadday?
A:Hertamponisbehindherearandshedoesn'tknowwhat
shedidwithhercigarette.
Q:Whatdoesablondesayaftermultipleorgasms?
A:Waytogoteam!
Q:Howdoyoukeepablondeinsuspense?
A:(I'lltellyoutomorrow.)
Q:WHATSTHEDIFFERANCEBETWEENAFRIDGEANDAFANNY?
A:AFRIDGEDOSN'TFARTWHENYOUTAKETHEMEATOUT.
Q:Howdoyouconfuseablonde?
A:AskhertoalphabetizeabagofM&Ms.
Q:Whydoesitwork?
A:"Does3comebeforeE,betweenMandW,orattheend?"
Q:Whydidtheblondecallthewelfareoffice?
A:Shewantedtoknowhowtocookfoodstamps!
Q:Whatistheblonde'sfavoritepotatochip?
A:Free-to-lay(Frito-Lay).
Ç
Q:Whatistheblonde'sfavoritebattery?
A:Ever-ready.
Q:Whatistheconnectionbetweenablondeandahalogenheadlamp?
A:TheybothgetscrewedonthefrontofaFordEscort.
Q:Whatdoyoucallitwhenablondegetstakenoverbyademon?
A:Avacantposession.
Q:Whatdoesablondeanswertothequestion"Areyousexuallyactive?"
A:"No,Ijustliethere."
Q:HowmanyblondesdoesittaketoplayHideandSeek?
A:One.
Q:Whycouldn'ttheblondewritethenumberELEVEN?
A:Shedidn'tknowwhatONEcamefirst...
Q:Whydon'tblondestalkwhenhavingsex?
A1:Theirmotherstoldthemnottotalktostrangers.
A2:Theirmotherstoldthemnotwiththeremouthsfull.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewith90%ofherintelligencegone?
A:Divorced.
Q:Whatdoyoucallablondewithoutanasshole?
A:Divorced.
Q:Howmanyblondesdoesittaketomakeacircuit?
A:Two,Onetostandinthebathtub,andanothertopassherthe
blowdryer!
Q:Howisablondelikeapostagestamp?
A:Youlick'm,stick'em,andsend'emontheirway.
Q:Howdoyoudescribe3prostitutesandablonde?
A:Ho,Ho,Ho,andtoallagoodnight.
Q:Whydidtheblondefailherdriverslicense?
A:Shewasn'tusedtothefrontseat!
Q:Whydidshefinallypasshertest?
A:Shetooktheexaminerwithher
Q:Didyouhearabouttheblondskydiver?
A:ShemissedtheEarth!
Q:Whatdoamopedandablondhaveincommon?
A:They'rebothfuntorideuntilafriendseesyouonone.
Q:Howdoyouknowwhenablond'sbeeninyourfrige?
A:Lipstickonthecucumbers!
Q:Whatdoablondeandaninstantlotterytickethaveincommon?
A:Allyouhavetodoisscratchtheboxtowin
Q:Whyareblondessosexuallypromiscuous?
A:Whocares
ÇQ:Whatisthedifferencebetweenablondeandaninflatabledoll?
A:About2cansofhairspray
Q:What'sthequickestwaytogetintoablondespants?
A:Pickthemupoffthefloor
Q:WhatdidtheBlondegetonherA.C.T.?
A:Nailpolish!
(Appendix:ForthoseofyouwhoareBrits,theA.C.T.isa
Collegeentranceexamination.Highestscorepossibleis36.Average
isabout18-20,Ithink.)
(VisualJoke)
Q:Whatdidtheblondesaywhenshetrieddrivingstickfor
thefirsttime?
A:"Howdoyoushiftthisthing?"(youmakejackingoffmotions)
Q:Wheredoblondesgotomeettheirrelatives?
A:Thevegetablegarden.
Q:Howmanyblondesdoesittaketoplaytag?
A:One.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenalesbianfinger-fuckinga
blondeandaSchwinnatthesideoftheroad?
A:One'sabikeinaditch,andtheother's....
Q:WhatdoyoucallfourBlondesinaVolkswagon?
A:Far-from-thinkin
Q:Whydon'ttheyletBlondesswimintheocean?
A:Becausetheycan'tgetthesmelloutofthetuna.
Q:Whathappenedtotheblondetapdancer?
A:Sheslippedoffandfelldownthedrain.
Q:Whydoblondesoccupyabout90%ofthenetbandwidth?
A:Becausetheykeepaccidentallydeletingtheircopiesofthe
BlondeJokeList.
Q:Whatistheirritatingpartaroundablonde'svagina?
A1:TheBlonde!
A2:Theotherguyswaitingtheirturn.
Q:Whatdidtheblondesaywhenaskedifshe'deverbeen
pickedupby'thefuzz'?
A:'No.ButI'vebeenswungaroundbythetits.'
Q:Whatdidtheblondesaywhenshelookedintoaboxof
Cheerios?
A:"Ohlook!Donutseeds!"
Q:Whatdidtheblondenameherpetzebra?
A:Spot.
Q:What'sablonds'favouriterockgroup?
A:AirSupply.
Ç
Q:Whatsblackandfuzzyandhangsfromtheceiling?
A:Ablondelectrician
Q:Whyaredumbblondejokessoshort?
A1:Sobrunettescanrememberthem.
A2:BecauseblondsaresoSHALLOWalongjokewouldn'tfit.
Q:Whywasn'ttheVirginMaryablonde????
A:Shewouldn'thavebeenoldenoughtobearchildren!
Q:Whyareblondeshurtbypeopleswords?
A:Becausepeoplekeephittingthemwithdictionaries.
Q:Whatdidtheblondedowhenshegotherperiod?
A:Lookedaroundforthebastardthatmusthaveshother?
Q:Whyareblondeslikecornflakes?
A:Becausethey'resimple,easyandtheytastegood.
Q:Whycan'tblondesputinlightbulbs?
A:Theykeepbreakingthemwiththehammers.
Q:Whatisacoolrefreshingdrinkforablonde?
A:Perri-air
Q:Didyouhearabouttheblondecoyote?
A:Gotstuckinatrap,chewedoffthreelegsandwas
stillstuck.
Q:Whenisitlegaltoshootablondeinthehead?
A:Whenyouhaveatirepumptoreinflateit!
Q:Whatisablonde'sfavoritepartofagasstation?
A:TheAirPump!
Q:WhywastheblondeupsetwhenshegotherDriver'sLicense?
A:BecauseshegotanFinsex.
Q:Didyouhereabouttheblondewhoshotanarrowintothe
air?
A:Shemissed.
Q:Whyaretherenodumbbrunettes?
A:Peroxide.
Q:Whatdidtheblonde'srightlegsaytotheleftleg.
A:Nothing-they'venevermet.
Q:Whatistheblonde'schronicspeechimpediment?
A:Shecan'tsay"No".
Q:Whatisitcalledwhenablondeblowsinanotherblond'sear?
A:Datatransfer.
Q:WhatsthedifferencebetweenaBlondeandaSupermarket
Trolley.
A:Asupermarkettrolleyhasamindofitsown.
Q:Whycan'tblondesbecattleranchers?
ÇA:Theycan'tkeeptheircalvestogether!
Q:Whatwastheblondpsychic'sgreatestachievment?
A:AnIN-bodyexperience!
Q:Whendoesabrunettehave1/2ofabrain?
A:Afteradyejob.
Q:What'sablonde'sfavoritenurseryrhyme?
A:HumpmeDumpme.
Q:Whatdidtheblondecustomersaytothebuxomwaitress
(readinghernametag)?
A:"'Debbie'...that'scute.Whatdidyounametheotherone?"
Q:WhatgoesVROOM,SCREECH,VROOM,SCREECH,VROOM,SCREECH?
A:Ablondegoingthroughaflashingredlight.
Q:Whyaretherelipstickstainsonthesteeringwheelaftera
blondedrivesacar?
A:Causesheblowsthehorn!!!!!
Q:Whyisablondelikeadoorknob?
A:'Causeeverybodygetsaturn.
Q:Whyisablondelikerailroadtracks?
A:'Causeshe'sbeenlaidalloverthecountry.
Q:Didyouhearabouttheblondelesbian?
A:Shekepthavingaffairswithmen!
Q:Whatdoesablondedoifsheisnotinbedby10?
A:Shepicksupherpurseandgoeshome.
Q:Wheredoblondesgotomeettheirrelatives?
A:Thevegetablegarden.
Q:Howmanyblondesdoesittaketoplaytag?
A:One.
Q:What'sthedifferencebetweenalesbianfinger-fuckinga
blondeandaSchwinnatthesideoftheroad?
A:One'sabikeinaditch,andtheother's....
Q:Whydoblondesoccupyabout90%ofthenetbandwidth?
A:Becausetheykeepaccidentallydeletingtheircopiesofthe
BlondeJokeList.
Q:Whydidtheblondecallthewelfareoffice?
A:Shewantedtoknowhowtocookfoodstamps!
Q:Whatistheblonde'sfavoritepotatochip?
A:Free-to-lay(Frito-Lay).
Q:Whatistheblonde'sfavoritebattery?
A:Ever-ready.
Q:Whatdoyoucallitwhenablondegetstakenoverbyademon?
A:Avacantposession.
ÇQ:Ifanblondeandabrunettejumpedoffabridge,
whowoulddiefirst?
A:Thebrunette--becausetheblondewouldhaveto
stopandaskfordirections.
Q:Toablonde,whatislongandhard?
A:Grade4.
Q:Whatisthedefinitionofgrossignorance?
A:144blondes.
Q:Whyis68themaximumspeedforblonds?
A:Becauseat69theyblowarod...
Q:Whatisthedifferencebetweenablondeand
arefrigerator?
A:Arefrigeratordoesn'tfartwhenyoupullyour
meatoutofit.
Q:Whyaren'tblondesgoodcattleherders?
A:Becausetheycan'tevenkeeptwocalvestogether!
Q:Whyareblondeshurtbypeople'swords?
A:Becausepeoplekeephittingthemwithdictionaries.
Q:Whatdidtheblondesaytothephysicist?
A:"Why,IjustüloveÇnuclearfission!Whatdoyouuse
forbait?"
Q:Didyouhearabouttheblondecouplethatwerefoundfrozentodeath
intheircaratadrive-inmovietheater?
A:Theywenttosee"ClosedfortheWinter".
Q:Whywon'ttheyhireablondepharmacist?
A:Theykeepbreakingtheprescriptionbottlesinthetypewriters.
Q:Whatisthedefinitionoftheperfectwoman?
A:Adeafanddumbblondenymphomaniacwhosefatherownsapub.
Q:Whyisablondelikeanoldwashingmachine?
A:Theybothdripwhenthey'refucked.
Q:Howwouldablondpunctuatethefollowing?:
"Funfunfunworryworryworry"
A:FunperiodfunperiodfunNOPERIODworryworryworry!
Q:Whyistheblonde'sbrainthesizeofapeainthemorning?
A:Itswellsatnight.
Q:Ablondeiswalkingdownthestreetwithapigunderherarm.
Shepassesapersonwhoasks"Wheredidyougetthat?"
A:Thepigsays,"Iwonherinaraffle!"
Q:Ablondeorderedapizzaandtheclerkaskedifheshould
cutitinsixortwelvepieces.
A:"Six,please.Icouldnevereattwelvepieces."
Q:What'sablonde'sideaofsafesex?
A:Lockingthecardoor.
ÇQ:Whydidtheblondekeepfailingherdriver'stest?
A:Becauseeverytimethedooropened,shejumpedinto
thebackseat.
Q:Whatdidtheblondedowhensheheardthat90%ofaccidents
occuraroundthehome?
A:Shemoved.
Q:What'sfivemileslongandhasanIQofforty?
A:Ablondeparade.
Q:Whyisitokayforblondestocatchcold?
A:Theydon'thavetoworryaboutblowingtheirbrainsout.
Q:Didyouhearabouttheblondewhotriedtoblowupher
husband'scar?
A:Sheburnedherlipsonthetailpipe.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ItoldmyblondegirlfriendthatIwasgoingskeetshooting.
Shetoldmeshedidn'tknowhowtocookthem.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thisblondeandherboyfriendweresittinginahottubwhen
theblondesaidtoherboyfriend,"Isittruethatifyoupull
yourfingerout,I'llsink?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
AdumbBlondediedandwenttoHeaven.WhenshegottothePearly
Gates,shemetSaintPeterwhosaid,"Beforeyougettocomeinto
Heaven,youhavetopassatest."
"Oh,No!"shesaidbutSaintPetersaidnottoworryhe'dmakeit
easy.
"WhowasGod'sson?"saidSaintPeter.
ThedumbBlondethoughtforafewminutesandsaid"Andy!"
"That'sinteresting...Whatmadeyousaythat?"saidSaintPeter
ThenShestartedtosing"Andywalkswithme!Andytalkswithme!
Andytellsme..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didyouhearabouttheblondethatwenttolibraryandcheckedout
abookcalled"HowtoHug"?Gotbacktothedormandfoundoutit
wasvolumesevenoftheencyclopædia...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ablonde'sresponsetothecomment,"THINKaboutit!":
"Idon'thavetothink--I'mblonde!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Agovernmentstudyhasshownthatblondesdohavemorefun-they
justdon'trememberwhowith.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ç...thentherewastheblondewhostartedtherestaurantwiththe
slogan"BillionsServed-justtoday"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatabouttheblondewhogavebirthtotwins?
Herhusbandisoutlookingfortheotherman.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apaintingcontractorwasspeakingwithawomanaboutherjob.In
thefirstroomshesaidshewouldlikeapaleblue.Thecontractor
wrotethisdownandwenttothewindow,openedit,andyelledout
"GREENSIDEUP!"Inthesecondroomshetoldthepaintershewould
likeitpaintedinasoftyellow.Hewrotethisonhispad,walked
tothewindow,openedit,andyelled"GREENSIDEUP!"Theladywas
somewhatcuriousbutshesaidnothing.Inthethirdroomshesaid
shewouldlikeitpaintedawarmrosecolor.Thepainterwrotethis
down,walkedtothewindow,openeditandyelled"GREENSIDEUP!"
Theladythenaskedhim,"Whydoyoukeepyelling'greensideup'?"
"I'msorry,"camethereply."ButIhaveacrewofblondeslaying
sodacrossthestreet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didyouhearabouttheblondewho:
...hadmoreonherbodythanonhermind?
...wascalled"Sanka"becauseshehadnoactiveingredientinthe
bean?
...tookanhourtocookMinuteRice?
...gotintothetaxi,andthedriverkeptthe"Vacant"signup?
...wasanM.D.-MentallyDeficient?
...hadaterrificstairway,butnothingupstairs?
...thoughtnitrateswascheaperthandayrates?
...wastoldshewasasillypuss,butinsistedshedidn'thavea
crazycat?
...afterwatchingtheballerinas,wonderedwhytheydidn'tgettaller
girls?
...wenttoanudistcampforagameofstrippoker?
...broughthercosmeticswithherforamake-upexam?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twoblondesobservedinaparkinglottryingtounlockthedoor
oftheirMercedeswithacoathanger:
Blonde#1:Ican'tseemtogetthisdoorunlocked!
Blonde#2:Well,you'dbetterhurryupandtryharder,itsstarting
torainandthetopisdown!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ablonde,abrunetteandaredheadwentintoabarandaskedthe
bartender:
Brunette:"I'llhaveaBandC."
Bartender:"WhatisaBandC?".
Brunette:"BourbonandCoke."
ÇRedhead:"And,I'llhaveaGandT."
Bartender:"What'saGandT?"
Redhead:"Ginandtonic."
Blonde:"I'llhavea15."
Bartender:"What'sa15?"
Blonde:"7and7"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twobrunettesandablondeareinthehospitalawaitingthearrivalof
theirfirstchildren.The1stbrunettesays,"IjustknowI'mgoingto
haveagirl,'cuzIconceivedwhileIwasonmyback".The2nd
brunettesays,"Mine'sgoingtobeaboy,'cuzIwasontopduring
conception".Theblondesays,"Uh-oh!I'mgoingtohaveapuppy!"
Therewerethreewomenwhowereatthegynecologisthavingpre-natal
checkups.Thedoctoraskedthefirstwoman"inwhatpositionwasthe
babyconceived?"
"Hewasontop",shereplied.
"Youwillhaveaboy!"thedoctorexclaimed.
Thesecondwomanwasaskedthesamequestion.
"Iwasontop",wasthereply.
"youwillhaveababygirl."saidthedoctor.
Withthis,thethirdwomen,ablond,burstintotears.
"Whatsthematter?"askedthedoc.
"AmIgoingtohavepuppies?".....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blondes...
Theytakealickin',andkeepon...
Lickin!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didyouheartheoneabouttheblondewhothoughtthat"lovehandles"
referredtoherears?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
OvertheweekendI(can'tremembername-onnewsgrazer)hearda
blondetellingthisjoke:
BlondeAsks:Whatdoyoucallablondeinbetweentwobrunettes?
BlondeAnswers:Aninterprolater!
Wewerelaughingsohardwethoughtweweregoingtodie.Thefunny
partwasthatshethoughtwewerelaughingatherjoke.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Didyouhereabouttheblondethatstayedupallnighttosee
wherethesunwent?Itfinallydawnedonhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
AblondewasdrivingdownthehighwaytoDisneylandwhenshesaw
asignthatsaid"DISNEYLANDLEFT".Afterthinkingforaminute,
Çshesaidtoherself"ohwell!"andturnedaroundandrovehome.
Onherwayhomethesameblondedrovepastanothersignthatsaid
"CLEANRESTROOMS8MILES".Bythetimeshedroveeightmiles,
shehadcleaned43restrooms.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howaboutthesuicideblonde,
shedyedbyherownhand.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abrunetteandablondearewalkingalonginapark.The
brunettesayssuddenly,"Awww,lookatthedeadbirdie".The
blondestops,looksup,andsays,"Where?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apolicemanpulledablondeoverafterhe/she'dbeendrivingthe
wrongwayonaone-waystreet.
Cop:Doyouknowwhereyouweregoing?
Blonde:No,butwhereveritis,itmustbebad'causeallthe
peoplewereleaving.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Acopstopsablondewomanwhowasdrivingdownamotorway.
"Miss,mayIseeyourdriver'slicenceplease?"
"Driver'slicence?What'sthat?..."
"It'salittlecardwithyourpictureonit."
"Oh,duh!Hereitis..."
"MayIhaveyourcarinsurance?"
"What'sthat?..."
"It'sadocumentthatsaysyouareallowedtodrivethe
car."
"Ohthis?Duh!Hereyougo..."
Thecopthentakeshisdickoutofhispants,whilethe
blondeexclaims:"Ohno,notanotherbreathalyzertest!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hubby:AsastartIthinkyoushouldlearnto"iron",thenwe
coulddowithouttheironinglady.
BlondeWife:Well,ifyouwouldlearntofuckmeproperlywe
coulddowithoutthegardener.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ablondeandabrunettewerediscussingtheirboyfriends:
Brunette:LastnightIhad*three*orgasmsinarow!
Blonde:That'snothing;lastnightIhadoverahundred.
Brunette:Mygod!Ihadnoideahewasthatgood.
Blonde:(lookingshocked)Oh,youmeanwithoneguy.
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Threeblondesareattemptingtochangealightbulb.Oneof
themdecidestocall911:
Blonde:Weneedhelp.We'rethreeblondeschanging
Çalightbulb.
Operator:Hmmmmm.Youputinafreshbulb?
Blonde:Yes.
Operator:Thepowerinthehouseinon?
Blonde:Ofcourse.
Operator:Andtheswitchison?
Blonde:Yes,yes.
Operator:Andthebulbstillwon'tlightup?
Blonde:No,it'sworkingfine.
Operator:Thenwhat'stheproblem?
Blonde:Wegotdizzyspinningtheladderaroundand
weallfellandhurtourselves.
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Therewerethreepeoplestrandedonanisland,abrunette,a
redhead,andablonde.Thebrunettelookedoverthewatertothe
mainlandandestimatedabout20milestoshore.Sosheannounced,
"I'mgoingtotrytoswimtoshore."Sosheswamoutfivemiles,
andgotreallytired.Sheswamouttenmilesfromtheisland,and
shewastootiredtogoon,soshedrowned.
Thesecondone,theredhead,saidtoherself,"Iwonderif
shemadeit.Iguessit'sbettertotrytogettothemainland
thanstayhereandstarve."Sosheattemptstoswimout.The
redheadhadalotmoreendurancethanthebrunette,assheswam
out10milesbeforesheevengottired.After15miles,shewas
tootiredtogoon,soshedrowned.
Sotheblondethoughttoherself,"Iwonderiftheymadeit!
IthinkI'dbettertrytomakeit,too."Sosheswamout5miles,
tenmiles,15miles,NINETEENmilesfromtheisland.Theshore
wasjustinsight,butshesaid,"I'mtootiredtogoon!"So
sheswamback.
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Teller:WhydidtheblondemovetoL.A.?
Blonde:Idon'tknow.Why?
Teller:Itwaseasiertospell.
Blonde:Easierthanwhat?
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Twoblondeswerewalkingthroughthewoodswhenonelookeddown
andsaid"Oh,lookatthedeertracks."Theotherblondelooks
andsays"Thosearn'tdeertracks,thosearewolftracks.""No.
Thosearedeertracks."Theykeeparguing,andarguing,andone
halfhourlatertheywerebothkilledbyatrain.
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Theblondecamerunningdownstairs,crying.Hermotheraskedwhat
waswrongandtheblondesaidherboyfriendhadjustdroppedher.
Hermother(ablonde)noddedwiselyandproceededtotellher
aboutthebirdsandthebeesandtheblondesaid:"Noma.Ican
fuckandsuckwiththebestofthem.ButhesaysIcan'tcook"
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ÇConfucioussay:blondewhoflyupsidedownhavecrackup.
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AtacarwashinBurbank,thereweretwoidenticalHondascomingout
atthesametime.Abeautifulblondwomanjumpsintooneandtakes
off,leavingitsownerratherperplexed.Aboutthreeminuteslater,
shereappearsatthecarwashyelling,"whorippedoffmycarphone!"
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LastnightIwenthometomyblondegirlfriend,andtoldherIwasgoing
toscrewherbrainsout.ThenIrealizedIwastoolate.
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Ablondefriendofminewaslookingforsometransportation,soIbought
heraWoody.Icalledheruplaterandaskedhowshelikeit.Shetold
meitwasOK,butthatitdidn'tlooksogoodonceshehadtakenitout
ofthecrate.
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Thisguyjuststartedathisnewjob,workingatapornoshop.Hisboss
comesoutandtellhimthathehastoleaveforawhile,and"canyou
handleit?"
Thenewemployeeissomewhatreluctant,butwiththeboss'spositive
commentshefinallyagrees.So,theguyistherebyhimselfforalittle
whileandawhitewomancomesin.
Ablondegoesintothedrugstoretobuysomerubbers(soshecan
practicesafesex).Shewalksuptothepharmicistandasks"Howmuch
foraboxofrubbers?"
"They're$1foraboxof3,"hereplied,"Plus6centsforthetax."
"Oh,"saidtheblonde,"Iwonderedhowtheykeptthemon."
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Anotherblonde,anotherstore.Shegoesovertothedeodorantdisplay
andtellstheclerk"Ineedtobuysomedeodorantformyhusband."
"Doesheusetheballkind?"enquiredtheclerk.
"No,"repliedtheblonde,"Thekindforunderhisarms."
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Sheasks,"Howmuchforthewhitedildo?"
Heanswers,"$35."
She:"Howmuchfortheblackone?"
He:"$35fortheblackone,$35forthewhiteone."
She:"IthinkI'lltaketheblackone.I'veneverhadablackonebefore."
Shepayshim,andoffshegoes.
Alittlebitlaterablackwomancomesinandasks"Howmuchforthe
blackdildo?"
He:"$35."
She:"Howmuchforthewhiteone?"
He:"$35forthewhiteone,$35fortheblackone."
She:"Hmmm...IthinkI'lltakethewhiteone.I'veneverhadawhiteone
before..."
Shepayshim,andoffshegoes.
Aboutanhourlaterayoungblondewomancomesinandasks,"Howmuchare
yourdildos?"
ÇHe:"$35forthewhite,$35fortheblack."
She:"Hmmmmm....howmuchisthatplaidoneontheshelf?"
He:"Well,that'saveryspecialdildo...it'llcostyou$165."
Shethinksforamomentandanswers,"I'lltaketheplaidone,I'venever
hadaplaidonebefore...."
Shepayshim,andoffshegoes.
Finally,theguy'sbossreturnsandasks,"HowdidyoudowhileIwas
gone?"
Towhichthesalemanresponded,"Ididreallygood,Isoldonewhite
dildo,
oneblackdildo,andIsoldyourthermosfor$165!"
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Imitationofablonderefuelling..
(Flaphand,blowingairintoears)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aftermanyhoursofextremelyacrobaticandexhaustingsexwithablonde
hehadjustpickedup,amangoesintothekitchenforsomefoodto
replenishhisjust-spentenergy.Hepourshimselfaglassofmilkand
rightbeforedrinkingit,herealizeshismanhoodisstillprettyhot,so
hesticksitintheglasstocoolitoff.Justthentheblondewalksin
andsays,"Oh,Ialwayswonderedhowyourefilledthose."
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Ablondeandabrunetteweretalkingoneday.Thebrunettesaidthather
boyfriendhadaslightdandruffproblembutshegavehim"Headand
Shoulders"anditcleareditup.Theblondeaskedinquisitively,
"Howdoyougiveshoulders?"
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Person1:What'sthedifferencebetweenablondeandgarbage?
Person2:Garbagegetstakenoutatleastonceaweek.
Person1:Wrong.Youtiethegarbageupbeforeyoutakeitout.
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Didyouhearwhattheblondewhowasopeninganewbarsaidwhenher
lawyerexplainedtoherthatsheneededaliquorlicense?
"Oh,it'snotgonnabeTHATkindofabar.That'sdisgusting!"
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Therewasablondedrivingdowntheroadlisteningtotheradio.The
announcerwastellingblondejokeafterblondejokeuntiltheblondewas
madenoughsheturnedherradiooff.Amiledowntheroad,shesaw
anotherblondeoutinacornfieldinaboatrowing.Theblondestopped
hercarjumpedoutandyelled,"Youbimbo,it'sblondeslikeyouthat
giveusallabadname.IfIcouldswimI'dcomeoutthereandgiveyou
what'scomingtoyou!"
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Adumbblondewasbraggingaboutherknowledgeofthestatecapitals(or
ÇforBillClintoncapitols).Sheproudlysaid,"goahead,askme,Iknow
allofthem."
Aredheadsaid,"O.K.,what'sthecapitalofWisconsin?"
Theblondereplied,"Oh,that'seasy,'W'."
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Ablondewaswalkingalong,whenshelookeduptoobserveabirdflying
overhead.Suddenly,thebirddropsaloadwhenitwasdirectlyoverher.
Theblondesays,"GoodthingIhadmymouthopen,orthatwould'vehitme
rightintheface!!!"
Or:"Goodthingthatcowsdon'tfly.
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ëBlondeMedicalTerminologyÇ
üAnallyÇoccurringyearly
üArteryÇstudyofpaintings
üBacteriaÇbackdoorofcafeteria
üBariumÇwhatdoctorsdowhentreatmentfails
üBowelÇletterlikeA.E.I.O.U
üCaesariansectionÇdistrictinRome
üCatscanÇsearchingforkitty
üCauterizeÇMadeeyecontactwithher
üColicÇsheepdog
üComaÇapunctuationmark
üCongenitalÇfriendly
üD&CÇwhereWashingtonis
üDiarrheaÇjournalofdailyevents
üDilateÇtolivelong
üEnemaÇnotafriend
üFesterÇquicker
üFibulaÇasmalllie
üGenitalÇnon-Jewish
üG.I.SeriesÇsoldiers'ballgame
üGrippeÇsuitcase
üHangnailÇcoathook
üImpotentÇdistinguished,wellknown
üIntensepainÇtortureinateepee
üLabourpainÇgothurtatwork
üMedicalstaffÇdoctor'scane
üMorbidÇhigheroffer
üNitrateÇcheaperthandayrate
üNodeÇwasawareof
üOutpatientÇpersonwhohadfainted
üPapsmearÇfatherhoodtest
üPelvisÇcousinofElvis
PüostoperativeÇlettercarrier
üProteinÇfavouringyoungpeople
üRectumÇdamnnearkilled'em
üRecoveryroomÇplacetodoupholstery
üRheumaticÇamorous
üScarÇrolledtobaccoleaf
üSecretionÇhidinganything
üSeizureÇRomanemperor
üSerologyÇstudyofknighthood
üTabletÇsmalltable
üTerminalillnessÇsicknessatairport
üTibiaÇcountryinNorthAfrica
üTumourÇanextrapair
üUrineÇoppositeofyou'reout
üVaricoseÇlocatednearby
üVeinÇconceited
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I'llgetalifewhenitisprovenTroyC.Belding
andsubstantiatedtobebetterST17Y@JETSON.UH.EDU
thanwhatIamcurrentlyHSSM@MENUDO.UH.EDU
experiencing.
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