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1992-07-05
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239 lines
"The Shave Loss"(120=HQ!)
A Classic, Never-before released parody of the
"classic" Star Trek: TNG episode, "The Loss"
By Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(We can see Riker talking with Picard on the bridge of the
Enterprise, in one hand is a razor)
Riker: Can you believe that? Shave it off? Never!
Picard: Some barbers are just too much.
Riker: Besides, I would never use this on my beautiful skin.
Data<interrupting>: Sir we are coming about EXTREME turbulecne,
recommend we "hold on tight"
Picard: Shh, Data, I'm trying to talk with Number One here..
Data: But, Sir-
Riker: You heard him Commander, silence!
Data: Yes, sir.
Picard: Good, now yes, you do have nice skin Number One.
Riker: Thank you, and to even TAKE this to my face(Riker moves the
razor towards his face, laughing as he mimmicks a shaving motion)
(Picard laughs a little)
Data: Sir we're about to-
Picard: Shut up!
Data: ook..
(Suddenly the ship is rocked with explosive turbulence, Riker's
hand is thrown towards his face, where, in a matter of seconds, he
accidentally shaves off his beard, and the hair - mysteriously
vanishes)
Picard:<Gasp>
Riker<enraged>: Data! Why didn't you warn us?
Data: I can never win..
Troi: Where did the hair go!?
Picard: He's right! The hair has vanished!
Data: Perhaps an effect of the-
Picard: Shut up Data! It's your fault we're in this mess!
Worf: <Grunt>
Troi: How can we find his hair?
Picard: Ensign Soontodie, run a sensor sweep.
Ensign Soontodie: Yes, sir...we have detected a wig off of the
starboard bow!
Riker: Put it on the viewscreen!
Soontodie: Yes sir!
(On the viewscreen appears something furry)
Picard: What the hell is that!?
Data: Sensors indicate it is... a tribble.
Riker: A what!?
Data: A tribble. A cute furry thing that mates a lot.
Riker: Sounds like Troi.
Data: Er..well a bit smaller then Troi, and a bit faster.
Worf: Let's kill it.
Troi: Mr. Worf that's so insensitive
Worf: <Grunt> It's a living.
Picard: Perhaps we should have a conference on this matter, gather
a staff together and meet me in the conference room in twenty
minutes.
Riker: Aye.
-=-
SCENE II
(Picard, early as usual watches as Data enters and takes his seat)
Picard: You know, Data, you're a good officer, but you have to
learn to warn us of things like turbelence.
Data: But I-
Picard: That's ok.. we know you MEAN well.
(We see a very annoyed Riker enter)
Riker<mumbling>: Stupid dang razor with the stupid dang blade took
my stupid dang beard and ..
(We see Troi enter right behind him)
Troi: Now calm down, Commander, I'm sure you're hiding something..
Riker<Very annoyed>: Why do you think that EVERYONE is hiding
something!?!? Is it some kind of GLAND problem or something!?
Troi: Calm down.. it all goes back a few years...
Picard: Oh God, No! Not a flashback..
Troi: Yes! A flashback!
Riker: <Sigh>
(We can hear strange flashback music as the scene goes foggy)
Troi: Oh, I was merely a child then, happy as could be...
(We see Troi as a child running merrily in a forest, she turns her
head to admire the beauty of the nature, and we peacefully see her
head peacefully collide with a nearby tree, She falls on the ground
and whispers "Ow".)
Troi: Happy times they were, except for the occasional time I'd run
headlong into a tree.
Riker: Is there a POINT to this story!?
Troi: It's coming- have patience. Anyways, I would run like the
wind, and when I was careful, only injure myself slightly- but one
day, I was running a bit too fast, oh I avoided the tree..but..
(We can see Troi as a child running again, real fast this time, she
quickly dodges a tree, masterfully- but she trips over a
well-placed boulder and lands on her head. "Ow" she whispers.)
Picard: What's so new about that?
Troi: But this time..
(We can see Troi take on a thoughtful expression on her face, she
gets up, dusts herself off and announces: "If I don't run fast, I
won't get hurt!")
Troi: And that was when I realized it.
Riker: What?
Troi: If I don't run fast I-
Picard: Just what WAS the point to that story!?
(Crusher enters)
Crusher: Hi, I hope I didn't miss the flashback...
Troi: The point? Why must everything have a point? You're hiding
something!
Riker: Ayiee!
(Geordi LaForge enters)
Geordi: What's the problem?
Crusher: Wait, there's Worf still to come and someone else..
Picard: Who?
Crusher: I don't know I just heard someone else.
(Guinan enters)
Guinan: Surprise!
(Guinan is wearing a new dress! And a new hat!)
Picard: Very lovely. Sit down.
Guinan: Ok.
(Worf enters)
Worf: I hope I didn't miss the <grunt>
Riker: <Grunt>
Worf: Good.
(All sit down and Picard opens the meeting)
Picard: Ok, what have we got here?
Riker: My beard is missing<Growl>.
Troi: A tribble.
Data: Perhaps the tribble can give us some information on the
whereabouts of Commander Riker's beard?
Geordi: A possibility.
Guinan: Anyone want a drink?
Picard: Shut up Guinan, why are YOU here anyways?
Guinan: I know a lot about tribbles, I used to work in the live
tribble eating bar over in Alpha Centauri..
Picard: We don't plan on EATING the tribble.
Guinan: Well they DO make a lovely centerpiece..
Riker: People! The issue at hand! My hair!
Picard: Yes, let's open a channel to the tribble.
Data: Channel open.
Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.
Tribble: <Silence>
Picard: We come in peace.
Tribble: <Silence>
Picard: Data, why won't he talk to us?
Data: Most likely sir, because Tribbles can't talk.
Picard: Why didn't you tell me that to begin with!?
Data: Revenge is sweet, Captain.
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Alternative options?
Riker: Let's kill it.
Troi: Will!
Worf: We can always stuff it.
Geordi: Gentlemen, gentlemen- there IS another option.
(All turn towards him)
Picard: What?
Geordi: Err.. we can merely maim it...
Troi: Geordi!
Picard: Enough warfare tactics! We are a ship of peace! It's in the
boredom STTNG directive
Riker: The what?
Picard: You know, it's right below the prime directive!
Riker: What does it say?
Data: "No ship-to-ship battles unless the episode is dying"
Riker: This episode is dying.
Worf: It's not a ship.
Picard: We must NOT destroy it. We must find a way to communicate
with it.
Troi: But how?
Data: The tribble has a built-in saftey mechanism that prevents it
from appearing in bad TV Shows, it has already communicated with
it's mother agent. Perhaps if we appeared to be it's Mother Agent.
Picard: How could we do that?
Gerodi: It'd be relatively simple, all we'd have to do is use a lot
of Agent Jargon.
Picard: But I thought it can't talk?
Data: Did I say can't talk? I meant it can't talk SENSE.
Riker: Well let's DO it then!
Data: Opening channel, Geordi, I will attempt to speak, as I can
simulate many languages, please all of you remain silent, this may
be difficult.
(They all nod)
Data: Opening channel. This is Mother-Agent-1 to Tribble baby! Hey
tribble baby, we're gonna try and sign that beard to a long-term
contract, do you know it's 20?
Tribble: Baby! That beard flew by me! Almost took my head, er a top
portion of my fur off!
Data: Poor baby! You're marvelous! Are you ok? Do you need to
brush? Have you been suffering?
Tribble: Have I ever! I haven't had sex in 15 minutes!
Riker: Good Lord!
Data:Shh! ..Very well Tribble baby! Where did the beard go?
Tribble: Coordinates 01, 02, 03, 04.
Data: Thanks, we'll send an agent after him, as for you, poor sweet
baby, we'll pick you up in just a minute!
Tribble: Thanks!! Hurry, I don't know how much longer I can take it!
Data: Mother-Agent-1 out.
Picard: Got those coordinates plugged in?
Data: Aye sir, let's go to the bridge for this!
Crusher: Maybe there I can get more lines.
Picard<Scared>: Beverly! I didn't even notice you were there!
Crusher: Well who needs a medical opinion on a tribble?
Riker: A fair point. Let's go!
-=-
SCENE III
(On the bridge the normal crew enters and, literally, tosses their
replacements aside onto the floor, a few minutes later a giant
vaccum cleaner picks them up and tosses them into a bag labeled
"Officers who appear only once, yet have been on the ship years")
Picard: Take us to those coordinates Ensign Soontodie!
Soontodie: Yes sir!
(The ship approaches the coordinates, on the viewscreen we see a
very familer piece of facial hair lying in the middle of the screen)
Riker: Lock a tractor beam on it QUICK!
Data: Tractor beam locked sir! We are pulling in the beard!
Picard: Excellent.. Will, I don't know how you could have lived
without that beard, I don't even know how you went without it for
two seasons!
Riker: Thank you sir, (I think), aren't I a better actor now?
Picard:<Cough>
Worf:<Grunt><Cough>
Crusher:<Cough>
Soontodie:<Cough> <Cough> <Gag>
(Ensign Soontodie falls over dead)
Picard: I could see it coming.
-=-
And so it came to pass that Riker got his beard back, and
through a treatment by Specialist Sy Sperling, Commander Riker was
as hairy as ever and as happy.
-=-
Narrator: Oh the wackyness of the Enterprise crew! To be an
Enterprise Crew member..<whistling>..I'd be fit as a fittle..
(Out of no-where suddenly appears- William SHATNER?)
Shatner: Stop it! This isn't what Star Trek is all about!! You
didn't KILL anything! Or fight! No girls!
Narrator: Aren't you dead yet?
Shatner: No I am NOT dead yet!
Narrator: Oh. (Pulls out a gun)
Shatner- What- are - you- doing
Narrator: Killing someone. A bad actor.(Boom)
Narrator: And so everything was peaceful in
never-before-printed Trek land..until...
More.
-=-