Parenting - Prenatal to preschool/Parenting_PrenatalToPreschool.bin/dp/0022/00223.txt

Text File | 1993-06-21 | 35KB | 568 lines

$Unique_ID{PAR00223}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{1 Year to 2 1/2 Years:  On Being a Parent}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{
Editors of Consumer Guide
Mendelson, Robert A
Mendelson, Lottie M
Meyerhoff, Michael K
Ames, Louise Bates}
$Subject{1 Year to 2 1/2 Years Parent Parents Parenting complex interest
interests ability abilities teaching education learn learns learning
challenging environment frustration assistance talking toddler toddlers
language bilingual conversation conversations read attention span reading
role-play fantasy experience experiences pretending clingy attachment behavior
rituals instructions choices Defying authority Discipline negativism temper
tantrum tantrums frustrations frustrated spank spanking bite bites biting
sucks thumb sucking sibling jealousy siblings day-care social skills peer
SUPERBABY SYNDROME SPACING}
$Log{
Over age three, the "new baby" is not as much of a threat to siblings*0054301.tif
Challenge your toddler's physical abilities by widening his environment*0053001.tif}

The New Parents' Question & Answer Book


1 Year to 2 1/2 Years:  On Being a Parent


     Now that my toddler's interests and abilities are becoming more complex,
should I be taking a more active role in "teaching" him?

     Because of his longer attention span and greater language skills, it now
will be possible for you to provide increasing input into your toddler's
learning during daily interactions.  However, it still would be a mistake to
try to structure his activities to any great extent or to push him to focus on
any specific subjects.  Your toddler is still doing a great deal of "learning
to learn," and his "education" still will proceed most efficiently and
effectively if he is allowed to do the bulk of his learning on his own.
Therefore, it would be a good idea to resist any temptation to become too
instructive.  Continue to make the job of "consultant" your primary role.  In
other words, when he approaches you during his explorations, point out related
ideas that he may be missing, but concentrate on what he is interested in at
the moment.


     Given his increasing physical abilities, what can I do to make my
toddler's environment more challenging and exciting for him?

     A typical household contains more excitement and challenge than any
toddler could hope for.  What you need to do, therefore, is to continue making
as much of your home as possible safe and accessible for him.  As he gains
greater skill, it might be a good idea to start widening his environment to
include areas that were previously off-limits.  For example, with your
supervision, you might let him test his skills on a full flight of carpeted
stairs.  In addition, dangerous items that were previously placed "out of
reach" on high shelves should be removed or locked up completely so your
toddler will have an opportunity to now reach levels that used to be forbidden
and beyond his capabilities.  You might also consider expanding his horizons
to include places outside your home.  Finally, as your time and inclination
allow, provide yourself as a playmate for your toddler.  Using you as a
running and chasing buddy, wrestling partner, or even just an object to climb
upon or crawl over will give him plenty of excitement and challenge.


     When my toddler approaches me for assistance with something, should I
help right away or give him a chance to work it out for himself?

     This can be a little tricky.  On one hand, it is important that your
toddler know he can count on you for help.  On the other hand, if help is
provided too quickly too often, your toddler may get into the habit of
depending on parental assistance entirely; he may not learn how to do a lot of
things for himself.  Therefore, when your toddler approaches you for
assistance, as long as he is not clearly distressed, you might try exercising
a little restraint.  Assess the situation, and if you feel that the solution
to the problem is within or near his capabilities, urge him to try solving it
himself.  As his language skills increase, you can even provide him with some
suggestions if he appears to be stumped.  But do not allow him to reach the
point of frustration; be ready to step in as soon as your toddler shows signs
that he is becoming upset.


     Now that my toddler is talking, should I respond using the same level of
language he uses?

     Definitely not.  Just as we often find ourselves unconsciously mimicking
someone with a southern drawl or British accent, we sometimes end up
responding to toddlers in the same manner in which they speak.  This does not
do a lot to improve a toddler's language skills.  Of course, you can't talk to
a toddler as you would talk to another adult.  However, it is a good idea to
use plain, simple language--clearly spoken with proper grammar--that is
slightly above what you perceive to be your toddler's level of understanding.
Remember that his understanding of words will be greater than his ability to
say them.  Keep in mind, too, that your toddler does a lot of language
learning though imitation, and it is up to you to provide an appropriate
model.  It is believed that one reason younger siblings do not do as well in
this area as firstborns is they often imitate their slightly older siblings,
who provide relatively poor language models.


     I am bilingual.  Should I speak only one language in the home so as not
to confuse my toddler?

     The research on this issue is not very extensive, and therefore not
really conclusive at this time.  However, the general consensus among
specialists on the subject is that a bilingual household is rarely a problem.
In fact, it is often advantageous.  As long as a child is exposed to two good
language models--perhaps with one parent speaking one language exclusively--he
may fall a little behind in language skills in the beginning, but will catch
up quickly and become fluent in both languages.  Children seem to have an
enormous facility for absorbing language during the early years, and it
appears as if the quality of language they are exposed to is of far greater
concern than the quantity.


     In addition to talking to my toddler, should I supplement our
conversations with records, tapes, the radio, etc.?

     Your toddler will be extremely interested in language throughout this
period.  Anything that produces appropriate sounds will probably fascinate him
and provide him with a lot of enjoyment.  Consequently, providing him with
access to these things certainly wouldn't hurt.  However, in terms of his
actual progress in language development, they probably won't help too much
either.  Research has repeatedly shown that during the early years, there is
simply no substitute for "live language," that is, words and sentences
addressed directly to the child by real people.  Furthermore, language
concerning what your toddler is interested in at the moment will have the
greatest impact, and these devices can't look and see what your toddler is up
to.  In other words, records, tapes, the radio, and the television can be used
to supplement your conversations with your toddler, but they should never
become a substitute for those conversations.


     My toddler loves it when I read him a story, but sometimes he tries to
get up and leave before I've finished.  Should I stop him?

     By trying to get up and leave, your toddler is telling you that this
activity no longer interests him.  To continue it is likely to cause nothing
more than disappointment and frustration for everyone involved.  Especially at
the start of this period, when toddlers have a very short attention span,
parents often feel their child isn't learning anything because he doesn't
stick around long enough for something to have full effect.  However, nothing
will have an effect once it goes beyond the point where the child is
interested.  During a reading session, for instance, a younger toddler may
enjoy listening to the sound of his parent's voice, he may be fascinated by
some of the pictures in the book, and he may get a kick out of turning the
pages.  He does not, however, have the mental capacities needed to recognize
characters and follow plots at this point.  Consequently, as far as he's
concerned, the session may be "all done" long before the story is finished.  A
few months later, things will change, but for the time being, it is suggested
that you simply follow his lead rather than trying to force something upon him
that he's not interested in.


     What is the easiest way to encourage and enhance my toddler's role-play
and fantasy activities?

     The first thing to do is to understand what this kind of play is all
about.  Your toddler is collecting mental images from his ever-increasing
experiences, and he is using his new mental capacities to retain them and move
them around in his own mind.  Therefore, providing the raw materials for his
role-play and fantasy activities does not mean giving him a lot of toys;
rather, it means making sure he has plenty of "real world" experiences to draw
upon.  A toddler who has never been to a zoo is not likely to know what to do
with a pretend zoo set.  A toddler who has never seen a construction site is
not likely to know what to do with toy dump trucks and tractors.  A toddler
who has not been allowed to watch his parents work in the kitchen is not
likely to know what to do with a make-believe stove and utensil set.  On the
other hand, a toddler who has had all of these experiences will eagerly create
a multitude of scenarios using very few props and a lot of imagination.


     Instead of "pretending," my toddler often attempts to do the real
thing--which sometimes is troublesome or even dangerous.  How do I handle
this?

     It is important to remember that encouraging and enhancing your toddler's
role-play and fantasy activities does not mean excluding him from your
activities.  In fact, your activities are a primary source of his raw
materials for pretend games.  In addition, although your toddler is becoming
increasingly content to play by himself, being with you is still among his
favorite activities.  Therefore, in these situations, you might consider
working out a compromise.  For example, if you are working in the kitchen,
bring your toddler's pretend equipment and utensils in and encourage him to
work alongside you.  If he insists on getting involved specifically in what
you're doing, see if you can find something safe and appropriate for him to do
to assist you--mixing something in a bowl, for instance.  To the extent that
you can safely include him, you may get more "hindrance" than real help, but
your toddler will get a lot of satisfaction and enjoyment while staying out of
danger.


     Every now and then, my toddler becomes extremely clingy and won't do
anything unless I'm involved.  Should I ignore him or push him away when this
happens?

     That probably would be inadvisable.  During the early part of this
period, attachment behavior typically becomes very intense as toddlers strive
to firmly establish the emotional bond with their parents.  While their
behavior sometimes can become unpleasant and annoying, it is important to
remember that there is a genuine need behind it.  Therefore, it is suggested
that you simply be patient and indulge your toddler in these periodic
episodes.  Within a few months, their number and intensity are likely to
dwindle considerably.  However, if you sense that the balance between your
toddler's social behavior and exploratory/investigatory behavior is becoming
unhealthy, you might want to check to see that he is being provided with a lot
of access to his environment.  Very often, this clinging and demand for adult
attention comes from boredom rather than from the normal emotional insecurity
of this stage.


     Some of my toddlers "rituals" are very time-consuming and inconvenient.
Will it hurt if I occasionally try to eliminate or modify some of them?

     Occasionally attempting to modify them probably is better than trying to
eliminate them.  Remember, there is a good reason why your toddler is engaging
in such behavior.  Consistent, stable routines help him cope with his new role
as an active participant in the activities of his daily life.  As he becomes
more confident, you are likely to have some success making suggestions for
alterations now and then.  If you do too much too soon, however, you are
likely to be met with strong resistance and considerable distress.  Be
patient, and praise your toddler for those parts of his rituals that are
efficient, rather than simply scolding him for those parts you find
inconvenient.  By encouraging the positive and just waiting out the negative,
you'll be doing what's necessary so as not to prolong this phase.  As a
result, you should see the major problems start to dissipate within a few
months.


     Lately, my toddler has been saying "no" to virtually every request or
instruction.  How can I avoid having confrontations with him all day long?

     Keep in mind that your toddler's primary interest is in exercising his
new sense of personal power.  Defying you is merely a means toward this end.
Therefore, the trick is to allow him to exercise his personal power as often
as possible in ways that won't require a direct confrontation with you.  This
may take a little planning, but it can be done rather easily in the course of
many daily routines.  For example, when getting your toddler dressed in the
morning, if you say "Please put on your shirt" or "Do you want to put your
shirt on now?" it is almost inevitable that you will receive a "no" in
response.  However, if you say "Do you want to put your shirt or your pants on
first?" you will be giving your toddler an opportunity to be "in charge"
without having to challenge your overall authority.  In other words, to the
extent that you can offer your toddler choices instead of giving him
instructions or making direct requests at this point, the unpleasantness
between the two of you will be reduced to a minimum.


     How can I tell if my toddler is actively resisting my authority or just
introducing a new ritual?

     This may be a little tricky to figure out at times, but in general, it
should be clear what your toddler's intention is by the way he reacts to what
you say to him.  If your instruction or request is met by a cool "no," and
your toddler looks at you for a reaction to his denial, you can be pretty sure
that he is simply out to challenge your authority rather than trying to
establish a new ritual.  On the other hand, if it is met by signs of distress,
fear, or even panic, and your toddler concentrates almost exclusively on
maintaining what he was doing or reinstating some change you've made, then
there is a good chance that you're dealing with ritualistic behavior.  Again,
it may not always be crystal clear, but don't worry.  If what your toddler is
doing is intolerable or dangerous, it is important that you assert your
authority and retain control of the situation; altering one of his rituals now
and then won't cause substantial, long-term problems.  If what your toddler is
doing is not such a big deal, however, it is important not to make it a big
deal--as long as you win the "war," it won't hurt to let him win a small
"battle" here and there.


     If I tell my toddler to stop doing something and he doesn't stop, what
can I do?

     Discipline at this stage is not easy, but it is often extremely
necessary.  Keep in mind that, unlike before, you probably won't be able to
simply distract your toddler and channel his attention into a more appropriate
activity (although you could try).  On the other hand, you also won't be able
to make much of an impression with long-winded explanations, threats, or
promises.  You have to make your point succinctly and get your message across
in language that your toddler understands.  So, for example, if he is swinging
on the drapes, you ask him to stop, and he doesn't, it won't help if you
explain that he might tear the material and it will cost a lot of money to
replace.  It also won't help to tell him that if he doesn't cease, he won't
get to go to Grandma's house next month.  What you have to do is physically
remove your toddler from the offending situation and hold him in a firm hug
for a minute or two.  You can talk to him about the situation and try to
explain why you wanted him to stop doing what he was doing.  However, it is
the physical restriction--which he won't like because he would much prefer to
be doing something else somewhere else--that will get the message across to
him that this activity is unacceptable and that it won't be tolerated.


     After I discipline my toddler, he sometimes returns to the forbidden
activity a few minutes later.  Did I do it wrong?

     You probably didn't do it wrong--you just didn't do it enough.
Particularly while they're going through negativism, toddlers can be very
resistant to discipline.  In general, with their increased mental capacities,
once they get hooked on something, it's often hard to get them away from it.
Therefore, discipline for toddlers has to be not only firm, but persistent.
If you remove and hold your toddler, then he returns to the forbidden
activity, you'll simply have to repeat the process, this time holding for a
little while longer than you did before.  Sometimes, it's necessary to repeat
the process several times before the message sinks in.  Unfortunately, there
really aren't any effective alternatives.  As time-consuming and inconvenient
as this continuous removing and holding may be, keep in mind that it will
prevent your toddler from developing the notion that if he pushes hard enough
and long enough he will eventually get his own way.  Taking the time to do so
now will save you a tremendous amount of grief and aggravation later on.


     How do I deal with temper tantrums?

     Temper tantrums are common among children in this age group.  They are
the result of frustration, because the toddler has not yet learned more
appropriate strategies for attaining his goals and has not yet learned to
accept that there are limits to what he can get away with.  During a tantrum,
your child may cry, scream, pound his fists against the floor, and perhaps
even hold his breath (although this is alarming, it is not dangerous; his
natural reflexes will force him to take a breath before any damage is done).
During a tantrum, you cannot reason with your toddler.  Generally the most
effective way to deal with it is to simply ignore it until your child calms
down.  Make sure he is not in danger of hurting himself, then just leave the
room until the storm passes.  When it does, you can give him a hug and try to
reassure him that he is alright, but do not give in to his demands.  For
example, if he threw the tantrum because you refused to give him the cookie he
wanted, don't break down and give it to him now.  Doing so will only let him
know that he can get what he wants through the tantrum, and he'll start having
them all the time.  If the tantrum occurs in public, whisk him off to a more
private place until he calms down, or just take him home.


     Can I help prevent temper tantrums?

     It is a rare toddler who doesn't throw at least one tantrum during this
period.  While you may not be able to prevent all tantrums, you certainly can
make them less likely to occur.  Tantrums are the result of frustration, so
the best way to help prevent them is to minimize the chance that your toddler
will get frustrated in the first place.  Indeed, much of the advice in this
section is designed to do just that.  For example, instead of telling your
toddler to put on his shirt--a demand that is likely to provoke a "no" from
him--offer him a choice.  Ask him if he would like to put on his green shirt
or his blue shirt.  In this way, you leave him room for autonomy while getting
him to do what you'd like him to do.  In addition, continued efforts on your
part to make your toddler's environment safe and accessible can help prevent
the frustration that comes from hearing "no, no, no" from you all the time.
And finally, be sure to praise your toddler when he does display appropriate
strategies for dealing with frustration instead of only reacting to his
inappropriate behavior.


     Is my toddler old enough to be spanked?

     Some people believe that if you spare the rod, you'll spoil the child.
Others believe that hitting a child only teaches that violence is an
acceptable way to deal with problems.  This is a highly personal issue that
must be decided by each family on an individual basis.  Extensive studies of
families who raised emotionally healthy, responsible, happy, decent children
revealed that during the "rebellion" phase of toddlerhood, two out of three
resorted to an occasional spanking.  It was never brutal, it never became a
regular occurrence, and it was not applied hours after the offending event.
It usually consisted of a mild slap on the wrist or swat on the behind at the
moment the toddler was engaging in something especially dangerous or
overwhelmingly intolerable.  And, it seemed to make a point without doing
permanent damage.  On the other hand, one out of three families managed to get
through even this phase using just the removing and holding technique.  So it
is clear that spanking is not necessary to produce a well-behaved child.  In
general, child development specialists with lots of experience tend to agree
you should try to avoid spanking, but you should not condemn yourself if on
very rare occasions your toddler pushes you out of your idealism.  In other
words, if you plan on never spanking your child, you probably will end up
doing it the proper number of times.


     My toddler goes around biting people.  How do I stop him from doing this?

     Biting is very common among toddlers.  During the early part of this
period, it is possible that your toddler may be cutting several teeth and that
he's actually biting only to soothe himself.  Providing him with a more
appropriate teething item may help.  Later on, your toddler probably will be
biting because this is one of the few ways that he can be effectively
aggressive--particularly toward other children.  In this case, you will have
to treat his biting as you would any other unacceptable activity--with firm,
persistent discipline that gives him the message that this simply will not be
tolerated (do not, however, try "biting him back").  You can try introducing
him to better ways in which he can solve his problems or vent anger, but it
may be a few months before he fully understands and accepts these
alternatives.  In the meantime, you have to make it clear to him that he will
not be allowed to hurt other people under any circumstances.


     My toddler still sucks his thumb.  Should I stop him from doing this?

     That probably is not a good idea.  Just like adults, toddlers experience
a certain amount of stress as part of their daily lives.  Consequently, it is
not uncommon for them to develop self-comforting habits.  Sucking their
thumbs, carrying around or fondling a favorite blanket, and other such habits
are very soothing for them.  These activities are among the relatively limited
options they have when it comes to coping with feelings of discomfort at this
point.  If you reprimand your toddler for sucking his thumb, or if you try to
force him to stop doing it, you are likely to increase the amount of stress he
suffers and thereby make things worse.  On the other hand, if you understand
and respect what he is going through and don't make an issue of it, your
toddler probably will cease the habit on his own within a few months or years
as he learns new and more socially acceptable ways of distracting himself and
coping with unpleasant feelings.


     My toddler seems terribly angry and depressed since the arrival of his
baby brother.  Is there anything I can do to help him feel better?

     Keep in mind that your toddler's primary emotion is jealousy, and at this
point, attention equals love in his mind.  Therefore, the most important thing
for you to do is to reassure him in language he understands that he is loved
just as much as before.  This means providing him with a special half hour or
so of your undivided attention every day.  Reading him a story while you're
nursing the baby won't do the trick, it has to be time just for him with just
the two of you alone.  Also, don't make a big fuss over the baby right in
front of him, and don't allow friends and relatives to do so either.  After
being the star attraction for many months, your toddler won't understand why
everyone is virtually ignoring him and rushing to see his rival--he will
resent it deeply.  And don't force him to participate in the baby's care.  If
he shows some curiosity about the new arrival, it's okay to let him join in,
but make sure that such activities are his idea and not yours.  By the way,
special sibling preparation books and programs usually don't work.  Toddlers
don't relate to future events very well, and they have a tough time
comprehending concepts like fraternity and family at this point.


     My toddler is in full-time day care.  As long as his teachers are
cracking down on his unacceptable activities, can I be more indulgent with him
during our limited "quality time"?

     This is a common attitude among parents, and it leads to a tremendous
amount of trouble.  Good discipline requires consistency.  If a toddler is
subject to one set of rules during the day and another set of rules in the
evening, the result is likely to be considerable confusion.  In addition,
because of the greater emotional power that the parents possess, the more
lenient arrangement is more than likely to be the one that determines how the
toddler will behave under all circumstances.  The biggest complaint that
day-care personnel express about parents is the fact that they have a tendency
not to follow through on discipline at home.  And the biggest complaint that
the parents have is that they can't control their preschool child who they
overindulged as a toddler.  Therefore, in order to be fair to everyone
involved, it's best to drop this idea.  Remember, discipline is the act of
educating your child so that he will be able to get along comfortably and
congenially with other people.  As difficult and unpleasant as it can be at
times, there is nothing more "quality" than that.


     I'm thinking of putting my toddler in a day-care situation.  Should I
wait until he demonstrates a capacity to play well with other children his
age?

     This may be nice, but it certainly is not necessary.  If you have no
compelling personal reason to place your toddler in a day-care situation, and
he seems to be quite content and busy at home, waiting until he shows an
active interest in and some capacity for playing with other children his age
may save everyone involved from a little anxiety.  On the other hand, if you
need to put your toddler into a day-care situation prior to this point, don't
worry.  High-quality day-care centers are set up so that toddlers have ample
opportunities to pursue a variety of activities independently, so your toddler
won't be forced into doing anything for which he is not ready.  Also,
well-trained, experienced day-care personnel are aware that toddlers often
engage in aggressive behavior, so they are well prepared to provide adequate
supervision to ensure that your toddler will not seriously hurt or be
seriously hurt by other children at the center.


     Will my toddler be slow to learn social skills if he doesn't go to a
day-care center or participate in a regular play group of some kind?

     The notion that toddlers need a lot of regular peer experiences in order
to develop social skills is a common misconception.  Some research has
indicated that during the elementary school years, children who did not
regularly attend day care, preschool, or play groups actually exhibited
superior social skills as compared to those who did.  The fact of the matter
is that children learn a lot about how to get along with other people by
watching and imitating the people around them.  Stay-at-home children
typically are exposed primarily to adults, who tend to be courteous,
civilized, and polite when they interact with others.  Children who spend a
lot of time in group situations during the early years, on the other hand,
often see a lot of hitting, biting, pushing and shoving, hair-pulling, etc.
going on around them.  Therefore, as long as you are providing your toddler
with a good model of appropriate interpersonal behavior, you need not worry
too much either way.  Toddlers in day care don't necessarily learn social
skills any faster than children who do not attend day care or preschool.
Although they may pick up a few extra lessons in assertiveness, they may also
pick up some less attractive lessons in aggressiveness.  In other words, it
all tends to come out pretty much even no matter how you slice it.


     Sometimes my toddler drives me crazy to the point that I want to abandon
him.  Am I a terrible parent?

     No, you are a normal parent with a normal toddler.  It is a rare parent
and toddler who manage to get through this period, especially the middle
months, without a lot of heartache and trouble.  The developments that are
taking place in the toddler almost inevitably will pit him against his parents
on many occasions.  Parenting can be extremely pleasurable and rewarding, but
it also has its hard parts, and this is one of the tougher times.  Therefore,
this is a good time to make maximal use of parent support groups, get-away
weekends, day-care services, and anything else that will help to alleviate
some of the pressure--many parents do.  It also helps to remember that if you
hold firm, your toddler soon will pass through this difficult phase--and also,
that no matter how bad things get, they probably will be a lot worse when he
goes through adolescence during his teen years!


THE SUPERBABY SYNDROME

     In recent years, a lot of parents have been caught up in the "superbaby"
syndrome--teaching their toddlers to do all sorts of impressive things.  Most
child development specialists are alarmed by this.  They feel that most of
these parents are well-meaning but seriously misguided and are putting their
toddlers at risk for serious emotional problems.  There is no doubt that if
you expend enough time and effort, you can teach a toddler to do just about
anything.  But keep in mind that impressive performances do not necessarily
reflect equal understanding.  After all, Roy Rogers taught Trigger to count,
but would you let that horse balance your checkbook?  Similarly, many toddlers
have been taught to use personal computers, to play Mozart, etc., but there is
no evidence that these toddlers truly comprehend and appreciate what they are
doing.  They're simply doing tricks in most cases.  Furthermore, research
indicates that children who display precocity at early ages do not attain a
lasting advantage over other children their age.  For instance, many toddlers
have been taught reading, writing, and math skills; but by the second year or
so of elementary school, there are no differences in academic ability between
these children and those who did not receive such training.  Finally,
clinicians are reporting that children who were subjected to the rigid
instruction required to produce these skills, and whose parents constantly
pushed them toward "success," are showing up with stress ulcers, nervous
habits, low self-esteem, and other serious emotional disturbances.  Remember,
your toddler's development will proceed at its own natural pace, and it will
grow horizontally as well as vertically.  Therefore, rather than jerking him
up to levels for which he is not ready, you are better off filling in around
him as he moves along himself, thus providing a wide, solid foundation for
whatever comes along in the future.


SPACING CHILDREN

     Research has shown that the harsh feelings between closely spaced
siblings is one of the single greatest sources of stress for many families.
Although exceptions abound, in general, when children are spaced less than
three years apart, the tone in the home tends to be chronically more
unpleasant than when the children are spaced more than three years apart.
Given the social dynamics involved, this is quite understandable.  A child who
is still a toddler when his new sibling arrives is still immersed in the
attachment process and is still primarily home-oriented.  Consequently, he has
a lot to lose when a rival for the attention of his parents is introduced onto
the scene.  Furthermore, as a toddler, he does not have the patience,
rationality, and other mental capacities to cope very effectively with the
situation.  A child who is over the age of three when his new sibling arrives
already has established a firm attachment to his parents, and he has a growing
interest in playing with peers and otherwise engaging in out-of-home
activities.  Moreover, he is quite capable of communicating his thoughts and
feelings clearly and has the mental capacity to understand and appreciate
concepts relating to his role as "big brother" and member of an expanded
family.  In other words, the baby is not as much of a threat to him, and to
the extent that the baby does pose an occasional problem, he is far better
equipped to deal with it.  Of course, it is not always possible nor is it
always desirable for parents to space their children three years or more apart
for a wide variety of reasons.  If they don't, they should not feel that they
have condemned themselves and their children to unbearable conditions.
However, it is important for them to realize that they have an inherently
tougher road to take, and they should be prepared accordingly rather than
expecting a Hollywood-type family where everyone gets along with everybody all
the time.