Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, have someone press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are having a panic, press all of the buttons at once.

If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.