"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.

After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road."

During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Going to the bathroom late at night involves putting on your shoes and a flashlight.

Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible."

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

The primary color of your car is "bondo."

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

The theme song at your high school prom was 'Friends in Low Places.'

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)

Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.

You actually know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You bring your dog to work with you.

You call your boss "Buddy," on a regular basis.

You call your boss "Dude."

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it while in prison.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening in the lube rack.

You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!

You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You have a gun rack on your bicycle.

You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.

You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the message "For a good time, call _______."

You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on video tape.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You have grease under your toenails.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind."

You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .." because you feel guilty about putting it there...

You have Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.

Your family tree does not fork.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a hefty bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call..."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You call your boss "Dude."

You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever been fired from a constructon job because of your appearance.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You've ever cleaned fish in you living room.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

Someone says you are lying through your tooth.

You wear a strapless evening gown with a bra that isn't.

Your belt buckle sets off the airport alarm and you aren't even near it.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the moonligh drive-in theater.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "The day my ship came in."

You read the auto trader with a highlight pen.

The salvation army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberatley.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "Ammo" on her christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboards of your car.

The home shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "Taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of hee-haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your considered an expert on wormbeds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tatoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into sea world.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tab on the golf course.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your mother does not remove the marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

Your bass boat cost more than your house.

Your richest relative buys a new home and the family gathers to remove the axles.

Your sister has a child and you cant decide whether to call it brother or son.

Your mother has ever won the state hog calling contest.

You call your wife "the old lady."

You've ever used your hair brush too scale fish.

You've ever used a spotlite to go grocery shopping.

Your family ever wonders around the grocery store during the summer to stay cool.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right.'

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos."

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You own a 3 pound belt buckle.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.

You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.

You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."

You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood."

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.

You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...).

Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

Your father walks you to school because you and he are in the same grade.

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story).

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."

Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.

Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks than cars.

You've ever bought a used cap.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.

You've ever hollered: during a piano recital.

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.