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Sure, it seems easy being a space alien. You've got your x-ray vision,
your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But, as usual
with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work the public
doesn't get to see. The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious,
as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from...
A SPACE A L I E N 'S DATE BOOK
8:15 A.M. Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 A.M. Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 A.M. Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry.
Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 A.M. Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger-
tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by
a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship.
Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return
most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery.
Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours
Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.
1:00 P.M. Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has
gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments
of an unidentifiable element.
2:15 P.M. Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from
best seller. Communion.
3:00 P.M. Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 P.M. Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 P.M. Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with President Clinton.
Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, future political
endorsements.
6:30 P.M. Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other
aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 P.M. Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 P.M. Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin.
Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.
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