Looking at the menu, the guy says, "I'd like a quickie. The waitress flushes and says, "That's not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?"

The guy says, "I'd really like a quickie." The waitress slaps him hard and storms off.

Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Sent in by Candy
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo (possum) it could be done.

Sent in by Tom
Why does a spice Girl take three hours to drink her orange juice?

Because the label says 'concentrate.'

Sent in by Barbara
After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. In terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nation s team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...

OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.

Sent in by Erik
President Clinton flies into Andrews AFB. The color guard is present as well as the commanding general. The general, standing at attention while Clinton descends the stairs, notices that the President has a pig tucked under his arm.

The general, not knowing quite what to say, simply remarks, "Nice pig, sir." Clinton responds by saying, "You bet it is. It is a corn fed, pure bred Razorback from Arkansas. I got it for Hillary."

Again the general is a bit tongue-tied but without flinching responds, "Good trade, sir."

Sent in by Erik

Why I fired my secretary

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out...

... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.

... and there on the couch I sat... ... with nothing on but my socks...

Sent in by Erik
A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man's license.

The man replies, "Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?"

The policeman answers, "You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone."

"Come on, officer," the man replies, "You know I was only going 35."

"No you weren't!" quips the wife, "I told you that you were speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get a ticket!"

"Shut Up!" grunts the husband.

The policeman continues, "I'm also charging you for going through a red light."

"Officer," the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light was yellow - not red."

The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red - I told you it was red - I told you."

At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife, "SHUT UP!"

The policeman exclaims, "Hey! Stop yelling at your wife!" He then turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?"

She calmly replies, "No, only when he's been drinking."