The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN?

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES

Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Visual Basic Programmer Journal: VB5 RELEASE DATE ANNOUNCED

Microsoft Magazine: IBM TO CEASE SHIPPING 0S/2

The Vatican Press: TOLD YOU SO

Soldier of Fortune: HOLING UP FOR THE END

The Star: ROSEANNE PUNCHES OUT THE FOUR HORSEMEN

TIME: TIME's Man of the Year: GOD

Cosmopolitan: LIPSTICKS THAT WILL LAST FOR ETERNITY

Glamour: ARMAGEDDON DO'S AND DON'TS

The Advocate: GOD COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET

Seventeen: WHAT BOYS WILL WANT FROM YOU ON JUDGEMENT DAY

Reviewers' comments on the scientific description of the Apocalypse:

JBC: But is this experiment repeatable?

JCI: Should have been done with larger test population.

Nature: Not of sufficient interest to our diverse group of readers. Send it to a speciality journal.

NEJM: Subject matter was scooped in preliminary publication. Not sufficiently novel.

Biochemistry: 9 out of 10 universes fail by chance in their first 1E12 years. Requires further controls.

Science: Conditions reported here to cause Apocalypse have existed previously without same effect. Assignment of causal gene is therefore suspect.

"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson.

"This amendment does more damage than it does harm." --Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans.

"I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do." --Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge.

"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego.

On the subject of being large and Catholic:

"The Knights of Peter Claver is a large Catholic organization." -- Rep. Wilfred Pierre, D-Lafayette

"I'm a large Catholic, and I don't belong to it." -- Rep. Juba Diez, D-Gonzales

And finally:
The Legislative Staff Award goes to the female staffer who was told that the gill net bill was coming up the next day and responded that she had to go home and coordinate the next day's outfit with her fishnet stockings.