Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

More one liners

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If there is no god, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?

Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If 7-11's are open all day every day, why do they have locks on the doors?