15 Biblical ways to acquire a wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a .... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

And now for the other side of the gender isle . . . Fourteen Biblical Ways To Get A Husband - in no particular order.

1. LEAH- have dad get the guy you're interested in apparently drunk, then on the night of the wedding, palm yourself off as his bride. (Genesis 21)

2. RUTH- wash up, put on the best clothes you've got, then go to sleep at the man's feet that you're aiming for. (Ruth 3)

3. EVE- luck out; find only man on earth and what's more, you're both naked. (Genesis 2:21-25)

4. BATHSHEBA- climb up on the roof of your house in the nude and wash up in plain view of the guy's house that you're interested in. (II Samuel 12)

5. MICHAL- have dad give you to a military hero that you have the hots for. (I Samuel 19)

6. ABIGAIL- be nice to a traveling outlaw so that, when your current husband kicks the bucket, the outlaw will come back for you. (I Samuel 25)

7. CAIN'S WIFE- make sure your husband *knows* you. (Genesis 4:7)

8. OLD TESTAMENT LAW- one possibility is for your slave master to give you away to some guy. (Exodus 21:4)

9. ESTHER- Get spotted in a beauty pageant and win big. (Esther 2)

10. JAEL- Ooops! This is one good way NOT to!!! (Judges 4:21)

11. MARY- If possible, have an angel coax the guy to marry you. (Matthew 1:18-20)

12. DINAH- have brothers insist on circumcising the guy. Then do a better job than Dinah did and stop the guy before he gets carried away and has every guy in the whole town circumcises himself and your brothers come in and kill off every male. (Genesis 34)

13. ASENATH- Have the king of Egypt give you away to an important politician. (Genesis 41:45)

14. ZIPPORAH- draw water for your father's flocks. Then befriend any Egyptian guys who are nearby. (Exodus 2)