ParentTime - ParentTime Live! Event Transcript

ParentTime Live! Transcript

Defining Discipline
Stubbornness
Sibling Quarreling
Name-Calling
Restaurant Behavior
Lying
Whining
Strong-Willed Child
Hitting and Biting
Roughhousing
Temper Tantrums
Spanking
Night Waking

Dr. Bill and Martha Sears on ParentTime Live!

In this January 10 chat event, Dr. Bill and Martha Sears share their views on shaping children’s behavior.
ParentTime

Be sure to check the schedule of upcoming ParentTime Live! events.

Moderator: Welcome to ParentTime Live! We’re discussing Caring Discipline with Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, parents of eight and authors of The Discipline Book.
Defining Discipline

Question: How do you define discipline?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Discipline is primarily a relationship with your child. It means teaching and shaping behavior, not controlling behavior. Parents should think of discipline as having the right relationship with their child rather than the right techniques. The goal of discipline is to give your child the tools to succeed in life.

Stubbornness

Question: I have a four-year-old who doesn’t do what you ask him to do and does what you ask him not to. How can I get him to do something without yelling at him?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Set up a reward system — a chart with stars on it, or what we call a connect-the-dots chart. Figure out what your child really likes, such as a new pet or a toy. Draw a dotted outline of the treat he wants and display it on the refrigerator. Every time you get a “yes” to your request, he connects two of the dots, and when all of the dots are connected he gets the treat. Every time you get a “no,” you erase one of the lines. Both give and take rewards seem to work best for many children. Remember, a certain amount of negativity is normal at four, as your child is “individuating” — developing a sense of independence. But he needs to know that family life runs much smoother when he cooperates. Expect a “yes” answer. Address him with an offer he can’t refuse: “When you put the toys away... you can play outside,” or “When you get dressed... we’ll go to the park.” If you find yourself yelling at your child, you need to remember the concept of keeping peace within yourself and within your home. Yelling at your child is destructive. Explain to him that you need to have a peaceful place, and when he does not obey he’s going to go to the time-out place.

Sibling Quarreling

Question: My nine-year-old and my four-year-old fight a lot. What is my role in their quarreling?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Your role is, first, as referee. The referee sets the rules of the house. Children at these ages are striving to know what the norm is, what behavior is expected of them, and they need to learn it first in the house. You could start with something like, “If you two fight like dogs, I’m going to build a doghouse in the yard, and you can both live in the doghouse.” That bit of humor will at least get their attention and make them realize how silly fighting is. It will also convey that you simply won’t tolerate fighting. Time-out the instigator of the quarrel or time-out both of them as soon as the fight begins. If they are squabbling over a toy, time-out the toy. Also, besides setting rules about what is and is not acceptable, suggest positive things they can do. Give them jobs to do together that require cooperation: “The sooner you get done cleaning this room, the sooner we’ll all go out to a movie.” Above all, convey to both children what behavior you expect from them and exactly what you will not tolerate. If they are disturbing your peace, get them outside. Also, divide things into “biggies” and “smallies.” “Biggies” — confrontations in which they are hurting themselves, damaging property, or being disrespectful — need disciplining. “Smallies,” you can ignore.

Name-Calling

Question: What is the best way to handle name-calling?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: One of the most important parts of discipline to teach your child is empathy — the ability to project how their behavior will affect another person. Don’t allow putdowns in your family. Name-calling is a putdown. Expect an apology for the name-calling and be sure the one who is being apologized to accepts the apology by saying, “That’s okay.” Also, be sure the apologizer understands how devastating name-calling can be to another person. “How would you feel if Johnny called you dumb?” One of the most important parts of discipline is teaching a child to feel for another person. Names are putdowns and they need to feel sorry that they are putting down someone else.

Restaurant Behavior

Question: Help! Any suggestions on how to handle a very active 16-month-old in a restaurant? He throws his food, kicks and screams, and wants to run wild.
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Certain things in discipline fall into the category of unrealistic expectations. Expecting a 16-month-old to be the model of behavior in a restaurant may be asking too much for a very active child. First of all, go to the restaurant at the times when your child is at his best behavior — usually after a nap. Feed him first. Take along a couple of favorite quiet toys and ask the waitress to bring the children’s food quickly. Go to a family-friendly restaurant that doesn’t mind toddlers acting like toddlers. Sit in a large booth with your toddler between you and your mate.

Lying

Question: Our 12-year-old daughter constantly lies about things she has done. Even when confronted with the facts, she still denies it. What can we do?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Children at all ages need to know that it is normal and expected to tell the truth. Here’s how you can help her: First, don’t set her up to lie. If you know she did something, confront her. Don’t ask her if she did it. Also, find out why she is lying. Is she afraid to tell the truth? Make a deal with her: “Because I love you and care about you becoming a truthful person, I promise I will never get angry at you, no matter what you tell me, as long as you tell me the truth.” This frees the child up to not feel she has to lie to escape punishment. She should know that lies will be punished, but truths will not. Explore the possibility that she may be angry about something, or afraid to tell you the truth. Is your child having trouble in school? If so, she may be lying simply to cover up the poor performance that she’s afraid to tell you about. Sometimes, children with Attention Deficit Disorder or learning problems at school will lie about grades and homework out of fear of the consequences — and because they don’t think they are really lying.

Whining

Question: We have a three-year-old daughter who is whiny, bossy, and downright difficult! None of our discipline methods (time-outs, etc.) are working. What do you recommend?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Three-year-olds like to play games, so play a game we call “Have a yes day.” Explain to the child that every time you ask her to do something and she says “yes,” she gets a star on a chart. Every time she gives you a happy response instead of a whine, she gets a star on the chart. At the end of the day, if she has six stars — meaning the yeses outnumber the no’s, and the happy responses outnumber the whines — you both get to go out for a treat. Also, tell her you like her nice voice, not her whining voice. Don’t respond to the whining voice. Kids whine because it works. It gets your attention. Whenever she starts to whine, tell her to go to the “whining room.” This is a room in the house where she can whine all she wants and mommies never go in that room. Whining is irritating to parents, and she should know that whining disturbs your peace. But her nice voice leads to happy mommies, and happy mommies are more fun to be with. Be sure that you are not modelling whining to her. Respond in your “nice voice” and in a calm manner.

Strong-Willed Child

Question: My daughter is seven, and her teacher said that she is “strong-willed”. What does this mean, and what do I do with her? I can tell her a million times to do something, but if she doesn’t want to do it, it doesn’t matter what I say or do. HELP!
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Your goal as a parent is to recognize your child’s personality traits and shape them to work to the child’s advantage. A persistent personality, while tiring to parents and teachers, can become an asset to the child — especially in the busy world we live in. Make her an offer she can’t refuse, such as: “When you clean up your room, you can go out and play.” “When you (whatever you want her to do), we’ll do something fun.” Also, play a game with your child: “We are going to have a ‘cooperation day’ or a ‘yes day’.” “I will do what you ask me to do (as long as the request is reasonable, of course), and you do what Mommy asks you to do.” The child will soon realize that her life runs much smoother if she cooperates. Seven-year-olds are particularly resistant to nattering. Keep your requests simple and brief. We use the one-sentence rule; otherwise, children become parent-deaf. Also, connect before you direct. As you address your child, say “I need your eyes. I need your ears.” If your child senses that you expect her attention, she is more likely to comply with your requests and cooperate.

Hitting and Biting

Question: My 18-month-old daughter (an only child) has started biting, hitting and taking away toys from other kids at daycare. She also bites to get attention. How can we (and her caregiver) handle this behavior?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Biting is a common behavior at 18 months. At this age, children are trying on whatever communication gets them attention. Also, they use biting to express their feelings — such as anger — and even sometimes (believe it or not) affection. An 18-month-old normally tries on a whole list of behaviors to see which ones work and which ones don’t. It’s up to adults to be sure the good behaviors work and the bad behaviors don’t. When biting gets a negative response, she will stop biting. Be sure she understands that biting hurts. Don’t bite her back, as that is poor modelling. If you’ve tried everything else and she still bites, she probably doesn’t realize that biting hurts.

Roughhousing

Question: My kids are two and one year old. Teddy, my two-year-old, is a very bright and loving child, but he roughhouses with his sister and she seems overwhelmed by him. How can I discipline Teddy when he gets too rough without instilling resentment?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Give Teddy a job as helper, “Because you are so big and strong, Mommy needs you to help take care of the baby, who is much smaller than you. We need to be very gentle with her.” Show and tell. Show him what gentle playing means and tell him it’s important to be very gentle with anybody smaller than he is. Two-year-olds usually don’t want to hurt their baby sibling, but they don’t realize their strength. Always supervise their play. It may not always be Teddy’s fault. Once the baby begins to walk and becomes a toddler herself, she is going to grab his toys, and be a pest to Teddy. Encourage Teddy to pick a toy that he is willing to share with the baby, and let him give it to her. Basically, you simply need to supervise their play and interrupt roughhousing immediately, so that Teddy understands how you expect him to treat his baby sister. You don’t want the little sister to get in the habit of expecting to be hurt by her bigger brother. If you give Teddy a job as “Mommy’s little helper”, you are capitalizing on his “bigness,” promoting respect for his littler sister — and you might even get some work out of him!

Temper Tantrums

Question: I have a four-year-old daughter who has terrible temper tantrums (hitting, kicking, screaming). There seems to be no way to reason with her. I have tried discussing what is making her feel so frustrated, but I get no answers. She doesn’t take any punishment seriously. I am at my wits end!
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: First, identify the trigger. What is it that sets off her tantrums — the time of day, the mood, the situation? Could it be related to nutrition? Some children are very tantrum-prone after a junk-food meal. Is she angry about something? Ask her why she is angry. Get her to talk about her feelings, and give her an alternative way of acting: “Give me your words.” Get her to tell you what she wants or needs in her “nice voice.” Be sure she understands you don’t accept tantrums. You listen to her “nice voice.” You don’t respond to her tantrums. Sometimes a tantrum-prone child is so out of control that you have to take charge. Hold her lovingly and firmly — preferably rocking her in a rocking chair — and use verbal and body language: “You’re out of control, and because I love you, I’m going to help you get control of yourself again.” Be the adult. The more out of control your child is, the more in control you need to be. Respond to her in a soft, calm voice: “There is no need to throw a tantrum. I will listen to you without you resorting to a tantrum.” Time-out the tantrum: “Go to the tantrum room, and when you’re finished, come back and talk to me in your nice voice and we’ll have some fun.” Or you go to another room, the ‘peaceful room’ and tell your daughter that she can come in Mommy’s room when she’s finished screaming.” To mute our tantrum-throwing kids, we tell them, “Only scream on the grass,” meaning: If you want to throw a tantrum, you go outside.

Spanking

Question: Where do you stand on spanking?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: We have given a lot of thought to this question. In our experience raising eight children and over 25 years in pediatric practice, we have concluded that spanking rarely works. First of all, it models aggressive behavior to children — that hitting is a way that people solve conflicts. Hitting creates a distance between parent and child. Children become angry at the spanker. Spanking prevents the parent from working hard to develop more creative ways of discipline. Remember, the ultimate goal of discipline is to create inner controls in your child. So when the spanker is out of sight, the spankee continues to misbehave if the child has been spank-controlled. Spanking can lead to child abuse. Some parents can wisely handle spanking and know not to cross the line, others cannot. Here’s how to tell: If you are an impulsive, temperamental person whose behavior was spank-controlled as a child, and you are prone to impulsive anger yourself, it would be wise not to spank.

Night Waking

Question: I have an eight-month-old who still wakes anywhere from 2 to 5 times a night. What can I do to help him develop a more stable nighttime pattern?
Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Nighttime discipline is important for the sanity of the family. Your goal is to create a healthy attitude in your child about sleep — that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and not a fearful state to remain in. Make sure he’s well-fed before he goes to bed. Be sure he doesn’t ingest caffeine-containing foods throughout the day, or through your breastmilk. Give him lots of attention during the day (if your child is in daycare during the day, he is likely to wake up more at night — simply for attention). Above all, convey to your child that nighttime is for sleeping. When he wakes up, don’t reward his nightwaking. Unless you truly believe he is hungry and needs to feed, don’t offer a bottle or breast. If he always wants Mommy in the middle of the night, get him used to being comforted by Daddy. Make it quick and simple. Rocking, holding, and putting him back down — and certainly no playtime. Eight-month-olds go through separation anxiety. He may need a change in sleeping arrangments. The right sleeping arrangment is whatever gets the whole family the most sleep. If he sleeps better nestled next to you and you wake up less, try putting him in your bed. Or use the sidecar arrangement: move his crib adjacent to your bed and remove the guardrail next to you. Essentially you’ve extended your bed, but you all have your own separate space. Avoid the cry-it-out advice, which disrupts trust between parent and child and keeps you from working at finding out the real reason for nightwaking. Night waking is a short time in the total lifespan of a child, but the memories of your love and availability will last a lifetime. To learn more about night waking, consult our books, The Baby Book and The Discipline Book.

ParentTime Live! Transcript Defining Discipline Stubbornness Sibling Quarreling Name-Calling Restaurant Behavior Lying Whining Strong-Willed Child Hitting and Biting Roughhousing Temper Tantrums Spanking Night Waking		Dr. Bill and Martha Sears on ParentTime Live! In this January 10 chat event, Dr. Bill and Martha Sears share their views on shaping children’s behavior. ParentTime Be sure to check the schedule of upcoming ParentTime Live! events. Moderator: Welcome to ParentTime Live! We’re discussing Caring Discipline with Dr. Bill and Martha Sears, parents of eight and authors of The Discipline Book. Defining Discipline Question: How do you define discipline? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Discipline is primarily a relationship with your child. It means teaching and shaping behavior, not controlling behavior. Parents should think of discipline as having the right relationship with their child rather than the right techniques. The goal of discipline is to give your child the tools to succeed in life. Stubbornness Question: I have a four-year-old who doesn’t do what you ask him to do and does what you ask him not to. How can I get him to do something without yelling at him? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Set up a reward system — a chart with stars on it, or what we call a connect-the-dots chart. Figure out what your child really likes, such as a new pet or a toy. Draw a dotted outline of the treat he wants and display it on the refrigerator. Every time you get a “yes” to your request, he connects two of the dots, and when all of the dots are connected he gets the treat. Every time you get a “no,” you erase one of the lines. Both give and take rewards seem to work best for many children. Remember, a certain amount of negativity is normal at four, as your child is “individuating” — developing a sense of independence. But he needs to know that family life runs much smoother when he cooperates. Expect a “yes” answer. Address him with an offer he can’t refuse: “When you put the toys away... you can play outside,” or “When you get dressed... we’ll go to the park.” If you find yourself yelling at your child, you need to remember the concept of keeping peace within yourself and within your home. Yelling at your child is destructive. Explain to him that you need to have a peaceful place, and when he does not obey he’s going to go to the time-out place.
		Sibling Quarreling Question: My nine-year-old and my four-year-old fight a lot. What is my role in their quarreling? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Your role is, first, as referee. The referee sets the rules of the house. Children at these ages are striving to know what the norm is, what behavior is expected of them, and they need to learn it first in the house. You could start with something like, “If you two fight like dogs, I’m going to build a doghouse in the yard, and you can both live in the doghouse.” That bit of humor will at least get their attention and make them realize how silly fighting is. It will also convey that you simply won’t tolerate fighting. Time-out the instigator of the quarrel or time-out both of them as soon as the fight begins. If they are squabbling over a toy, time-out the toy. Also, besides setting rules about what is and is not acceptable, suggest positive things they can do. Give them jobs to do together that require cooperation: “The sooner you get done cleaning this room, the sooner we’ll all go out to a movie.” Above all, convey to both children what behavior you expect from them and exactly what you will not tolerate. If they are disturbing your peace, get them outside. Also, divide things into “biggies” and “smallies.” “Biggies” — confrontations in which they are hurting themselves, damaging property, or being disrespectful — need disciplining. “Smallies,” you can ignore.
		Name-Calling Question: What is the best way to handle name-calling? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: One of the most important parts of discipline to teach your child is empathy — the ability to project how their behavior will affect another person. Don’t allow putdowns in your family. Name-calling is a putdown. Expect an apology for the name-calling and be sure the one who is being apologized to accepts the apology by saying, “That’s okay.” Also, be sure the apologizer understands how devastating name-calling can be to another person. “How would you feel if Johnny called you dumb?” One of the most important parts of discipline is teaching a child to feel for another person. Names are putdowns and they need to feel sorry that they are putting down someone else.
		Restaurant Behavior Question: Help! Any suggestions on how to handle a very active 16-month-old in a restaurant? He throws his food, kicks and screams, and wants to run wild. Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Certain things in discipline fall into the category of unrealistic expectations. Expecting a 16-month-old to be the model of behavior in a restaurant may be asking too much for a very active child. First of all, go to the restaurant at the times when your child is at his best behavior — usually after a nap. Feed him first. Take along a couple of favorite quiet toys and ask the waitress to bring the children’s food quickly. Go to a family-friendly restaurant that doesn’t mind toddlers acting like toddlers. Sit in a large booth with your toddler between you and your mate.
		Lying Question: Our 12-year-old daughter constantly lies about things she has done. Even when confronted with the facts, she still denies it. What can we do? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Children at all ages need to know that it is normal and expected to tell the truth. Here’s how you can help her: First, don’t set her up to lie. If you know she did something, confront her. Don’t ask her if she did it. Also, find out why she is lying. Is she afraid to tell the truth? Make a deal with her: “Because I love you and care about you becoming a truthful person, I promise I will never get angry at you, no matter what you tell me, as long as you tell me the truth.” This frees the child up to not feel she has to lie to escape punishment. She should know that lies will be punished, but truths will not. Explore the possibility that she may be angry about something, or afraid to tell you the truth. Is your child having trouble in school? If so, she may be lying simply to cover up the poor performance that she’s afraid to tell you about. Sometimes, children with Attention Deficit Disorder or learning problems at school will lie about grades and homework out of fear of the consequences — and because they don’t think they are really lying.
		Whining Question: We have a three-year-old daughter who is whiny, bossy, and downright difficult! None of our discipline methods (time-outs, etc.) are working. What do you recommend? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Three-year-olds like to play games, so play a game we call “Have a yes day.” Explain to the child that every time you ask her to do something and she says “yes,” she gets a star on a chart. Every time she gives you a happy response instead of a whine, she gets a star on the chart. At the end of the day, if she has six stars — meaning the yeses outnumber the no’s, and the happy responses outnumber the whines — you both get to go out for a treat. Also, tell her you like her nice voice, not her whining voice. Don’t respond to the whining voice. Kids whine because it works. It gets your attention. Whenever she starts to whine, tell her to go to the “whining room.” This is a room in the house where she can whine all she wants and mommies never go in that room. Whining is irritating to parents, and she should know that whining disturbs your peace. But her nice voice leads to happy mommies, and happy mommies are more fun to be with. Be sure that you are not modelling whining to her. Respond in your “nice voice” and in a calm manner.
		Strong-Willed Child Question: My daughter is seven, and her teacher said that she is “strong-willed”. What does this mean, and what do I do with her? I can tell her a million times to do something, but if she doesn’t want to do it, it doesn’t matter what I say or do. HELP! Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Your goal as a parent is to recognize your child’s personality traits and shape them to work to the child’s advantage. A persistent personality, while tiring to parents and teachers, can become an asset to the child — especially in the busy world we live in. Make her an offer she can’t refuse, such as: “When you clean up your room, you can go out and play.” “When you (whatever you want her to do), we’ll do something fun.” Also, play a game with your child: “We are going to have a ‘cooperation day’ or a ‘yes day’.” “I will do what you ask me to do (as long as the request is reasonable, of course), and you do what Mommy asks you to do.” The child will soon realize that her life runs much smoother if she cooperates. Seven-year-olds are particularly resistant to nattering. Keep your requests simple and brief. We use the one-sentence rule; otherwise, children become parent-deaf. Also, connect before you direct. As you address your child, say “I need your eyes. I need your ears.” If your child senses that you expect her attention, she is more likely to comply with your requests and cooperate.
		Hitting and Biting Question: My 18-month-old daughter (an only child) has started biting, hitting and taking away toys from other kids at daycare. She also bites to get attention. How can we (and her caregiver) handle this behavior? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Biting is a common behavior at 18 months. At this age, children are trying on whatever communication gets them attention. Also, they use biting to express their feelings — such as anger — and even sometimes (believe it or not) affection. An 18-month-old normally tries on a whole list of behaviors to see which ones work and which ones don’t. It’s up to adults to be sure the good behaviors work and the bad behaviors don’t. When biting gets a negative response, she will stop biting. Be sure she understands that biting hurts. Don’t bite her back, as that is poor modelling. If you’ve tried everything else and she still bites, she probably doesn’t realize that biting hurts.
		Roughhousing Question: My kids are two and one year old. Teddy, my two-year-old, is a very bright and loving child, but he roughhouses with his sister and she seems overwhelmed by him. How can I discipline Teddy when he gets too rough without instilling resentment? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Give Teddy a job as helper, “Because you are so big and strong, Mommy needs you to help take care of the baby, who is much smaller than you. We need to be very gentle with her.” Show and tell. Show him what gentle playing means and tell him it’s important to be very gentle with anybody smaller than he is. Two-year-olds usually don’t want to hurt their baby sibling, but they don’t realize their strength. Always supervise their play. It may not always be Teddy’s fault. Once the baby begins to walk and becomes a toddler herself, she is going to grab his toys, and be a pest to Teddy. Encourage Teddy to pick a toy that he is willing to share with the baby, and let him give it to her. Basically, you simply need to supervise their play and interrupt roughhousing immediately, so that Teddy understands how you expect him to treat his baby sister. You don’t want the little sister to get in the habit of expecting to be hurt by her bigger brother. If you give Teddy a job as “Mommy’s little helper”, you are capitalizing on his “bigness,” promoting respect for his littler sister — and you might even get some work out of him!
		Temper Tantrums Question: I have a four-year-old daughter who has terrible temper tantrums (hitting, kicking, screaming). There seems to be no way to reason with her. I have tried discussing what is making her feel so frustrated, but I get no answers. She doesn’t take any punishment seriously. I am at my wits end! Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: First, identify the trigger. What is it that sets off her tantrums — the time of day, the mood, the situation? Could it be related to nutrition? Some children are very tantrum-prone after a junk-food meal. Is she angry about something? Ask her why she is angry. Get her to talk about her feelings, and give her an alternative way of acting: “Give me your words.” Get her to tell you what she wants or needs in her “nice voice.” Be sure she understands you don’t accept tantrums. You listen to her “nice voice.” You don’t respond to her tantrums. Sometimes a tantrum-prone child is so out of control that you have to take charge. Hold her lovingly and firmly — preferably rocking her in a rocking chair — and use verbal and body language: “You’re out of control, and because I love you, I’m going to help you get control of yourself again.” Be the adult. The more out of control your child is, the more in control you need to be. Respond to her in a soft, calm voice: “There is no need to throw a tantrum. I will listen to you without you resorting to a tantrum.” Time-out the tantrum: “Go to the tantrum room, and when you’re finished, come back and talk to me in your nice voice and we’ll have some fun.” Or you go to another room, the ‘peaceful room’ and tell your daughter that she can come in Mommy’s room when she’s finished screaming.” To mute our tantrum-throwing kids, we tell them, “Only scream on the grass,” meaning: If you want to throw a tantrum, you go outside.
		Spanking Question: Where do you stand on spanking? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: We have given a lot of thought to this question. In our experience raising eight children and over 25 years in pediatric practice, we have concluded that spanking rarely works. First of all, it models aggressive behavior to children — that hitting is a way that people solve conflicts. Hitting creates a distance between parent and child. Children become angry at the spanker. Spanking prevents the parent from working hard to develop more creative ways of discipline. Remember, the ultimate goal of discipline is to create inner controls in your child. So when the spanker is out of sight, the spankee continues to misbehave if the child has been spank-controlled. Spanking can lead to child abuse. Some parents can wisely handle spanking and know not to cross the line, others cannot. Here’s how to tell: If you are an impulsive, temperamental person whose behavior was spank-controlled as a child, and you are prone to impulsive anger yourself, it would be wise not to spank.
		Night Waking Question: I have an eight-month-old who still wakes anywhere from 2 to 5 times a night. What can I do to help him develop a more stable nighttime pattern? Dr. Bill and Martha Sears: Nighttime discipline is important for the sanity of the family. Your goal is to create a healthy attitude in your child about sleep — that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and not a fearful state to remain in. Make sure he’s well-fed before he goes to bed. Be sure he doesn’t ingest caffeine-containing foods throughout the day, or through your breastmilk. Give him lots of attention during the day (if your child is in daycare during the day, he is likely to wake up more at night — simply for attention). Above all, convey to your child that nighttime is for sleeping. When he wakes up, don’t reward his nightwaking. Unless you truly believe he is hungry and needs to feed, don’t offer a bottle or breast. If he always wants Mommy in the middle of the night, get him used to being comforted by Daddy. Make it quick and simple. Rocking, holding, and putting him back down — and certainly no playtime. Eight-month-olds go through separation anxiety. He may need a change in sleeping arrangments. The right sleeping arrangment is whatever gets the whole family the most sleep. If he sleeps better nestled next to you and you wake up less, try putting him in your bed. Or use the sidecar arrangement: move his crib adjacent to your bed and remove the guardrail next to you. Essentially you’ve extended your bed, but you all have your own separate space. Avoid the cry-it-out advice, which disrupts trust between parent and child and keeps you from working at finding out the real reason for nightwaking. Night waking is a short time in the total lifespan of a child, but the memories of your love and availability will last a lifetime. To learn more about night waking, consult our books, The Baby Book and The Discipline Book.