How to Talk To Your Child About Sex

by Linda Lee Small

1. Begin early. "Most children naturally start to ask questions about sex at three or four," says Dr. Gordon. "But there's no rule that says your child has to ask first. If there are no questions like 'Where did I come from?' by the age of five, you need to start the conversation." Don't worry if the first time you talk to your child about sex you stumble a bit. Just think about how you could have explained something better, and give your new, improved version next time. When my friend Stacy was asked by three year-old Roger, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" she blurted out, "Oh, they just get in there." Later, when she was calm, she went into Roger's room and said, "Remember when you asked me where babies come from? Well, I didn't give you the whole story." That was Stacy's first step to becoming an askable parent. Roger, now nine, feels comfortable asking her anything.
2. Keep those talks going. "Many parents mistakenly think sex education can be accomplished in the "Big Talk." laments Dr. Kyman. But there are just too many facts to the facts of life. Little minds understand some concepts and misunderstand others. You have to realize that your role in your child's sex education will continue for years and years. As your child grows, so too will his curiosity and capacity to understand. Oliver recalls a mother who was concerned because her son seemed unsatisfied by her response to "Where do babies come from?" Oliver explains, "When I talk to him I discovered he specifically wanted to know how men were involved in the birth process." That's why, sums up Gordon, "sex education is not a single talk, but a lifelong process that should be gradual, informal and ongoing." Children need to learn bit by bit, not in one giant dose.
3. Look for teachable moments. Besides picking up on the cues and questions your child offers, "try to take advantage of the many natural opportunities to talk about sex," advises Kyman. "You want to establish early that sexuality covers a wide variety of subjects. Looking through family albums, for example, you can elaborate on the significance of weddings. You can ask your child, "What do you think it means to get married?' or 'What is it like to be in love?" Whenever you are feeling close and comfortable, seize the chance to start the conversation. For instance, if you and your child are folding laundry together, you could remark that a friend of yours is pregnant. Children will see sex as a "neutral," not as a "hot," topic if you have been able to weave the subject naturally into everyday talks. Watching television with your youngster will also provide teachable moments. If there's a kissing scene, you might ask, "When would you kiss someone?" You are trying to find out just where your child's head is at. "Each time you indicate a dialogue, you're helping your child clarify his values," says Kyman.
4. Praise the question and the questioner. "When a child asks a question it's always wise to respond in a positive way," says Oliver. "Let your child know she has done the right thing by coming to you. Say, 'What a good question! What would you like to know?" Even good questions can be unexpected, however. So be prepared to be surprised. A six year-old boy said, "I know what a penis does, Mommy. Can a vagina do anything special?' Remember that by and large, a child's questions are the result of curiosity, not perversity. Little children love to know how things work-from why a traffic light changes colors to why Mommy and Daddy have different bodies. "Parents need to understand that the questions young children ask are basic and not erotic," notes Oliver. Adults sometimes assume the subject of sex has the same emotional significance for children as it does for adults.
5. Don't put off the questioner. Although there are no bad questions, there are many poor responses. "We don't talk about those things' is certainly an example. Also, don't say, 'Why do you ask?' because you may sound defensive or anxious," advises Sara Wilford, who is director of the Early Childhood Center at Sarah Lawrence College. Although your child's question can never be wrong, the timing can be off. Dr. Gordon explains, "Children have a knack for asking indelicate questions in the supermarket or when guests are over for dinner." No matter how embarrassed you are the best approach is to adopt Oliver's "What a good question" response-and if you have your wits about you answer it. Otherwise, just say, "Good question. Let's talk about it later when we have more time." But, says Gordon, "make sure you state when that time will be." You convey a message by what you don't say, so be careful of your body language. Silence or even a raised eyebrow can speak volumes; such reactions suggest "I'd rather you didn't ask me that." If your child asks a question that sounds crude or vulgar, don't recoil, says Oliver. You never want to convey the attitude that any question is wrong or bad.
6. Don't laugh or make a joke. Questions kids raise about sex can be funny, but resist the natural temptation to laugh. It's not necessary to lose your sense of humor-just temporarily set it aside. After hearing about how a baby is made, one child asked, "But how does Daddy take his penis off to put it in Mommy's vagina?" The question is a serious one and deserves an answer even if the image it suggests is rather comical. "It's easy for an adult to burst into laughter-particularly in a group-but it can be painful or humiliating to the child," notes Wilford, who shares a personal experience: To this day she recalls the Thanksgiving dinner long ago when a suckling pig was brought out. She innocently asked, "What does suckling mean?" and was horribly embarrassed: Every adult in the room burst into laughter and no one answered my question. It was a powerful experience."
7. Give age-appropriate information. Always try to match your answer to the age of the questioner. "Birth is usually the first aspect of sex that children want to know about," notes Wilford. "A three year-old's question 'Where do babies come from?' can be answered by 'They grow inside the Mommy until they are big enough to be born.' That's usually all that's called for. Just remember to keep your answers clear and simple. "When a mother is pregnant," adds Wilford, "her child might ask, "Why is your tummy so big?' If the child is three or so, just say, 'Because there's a baby growing inside.' If the child asks, 'How did this happen?' you might add, 'Mommy and Daddy made the baby start growing.' If the child asks how, answer with age-appropriate, accurate information." You may be wondering how to face that key question. Dr. Kyman offers this advice: "Use your own words. You could say, 'Mommy and Daddy get very close.' You are the judge of what will satisfy the child's curiosity. Eventually, you might say, 'Mommy and Daddy got so close that Daddy put his penis in Mommy's vagina."
8. Don't overestimate kids' knowledge. "Parents often assume that children are knowledgeable," notes Dr. Gordon. "Well, they're not." It helps to understand that parents and children often have different definitions of sex. In a Planned Parenthood workshop, a five-year old announced, "My Mommy and Daddy do sex with each other and I do sex with a neighbor." The workshop leaders asked, "What do you mean by 'doing sex'?" and the boy responded, "You get into bed and kiss." ("Doing sex" or "playing doctor" are, in fact, considered normal developmental occurrences for preschool children, says Dr. Gordon. If your child tells you he's been playing such a game, treat the information matter-of-factly and use the opportunity to have another discussion.) To find out how much your children know, follow their questions with "What do you think?" Oliver says that when kids ask a question, they've usually formulated an answer of their own, which may or may not be accurate. She suggest going back over information with questions such as: "Where do you think babies come from?" or "Why do you think Mommy doesn't have a penis?" If your child answers the latter with "Because Mommy is a girl," he's right. If he says, "I don't know," you know where to start. Questioning children-and even teenagers-goes a long way toward nipping misinformation in the bud. Kyman, who teaches human sexuality at Baruch College, notes that false ideas stay with a person: "Many adolescents think they can't get pregnant if they have sex standing up, or the they really confusing ideas about birth control. If a teenage girl is meeting her boyfriend on a Tuesday night, she may steal her mother's 'Tuesday' birth-control pill and think it will protect her. She doesn't' understand why it won't work.
9. Tell the truth. No matter what the child's age, she not only deserves an answer, she's entitled to an honest one. Dr. Gordon reports that in a questionnaire given to Syracuse graduates, about 90 percent indicated that sex had not been discussed honestly in their homes. One student wrote: "I wish my parents had canned the stork story." As Gordon comments, "It is totally inappropriate to tell a child about the stork. Parents often justify the lie by saying 'Oh it's just a fairy tale like Santa Claus.' But saying, 'The stork brought you' can make your child vulnerable in the future." If you lie about an important subject, like sex, your child won't believe you later on when you do tell the truth. Furthermore, no girl finds herself pregnant because she wasn't told the truth about Santa! "That's why sex education is such a sensitive area, and why lies about sex are worse than other lies," says Gordon.
10. Always use the correct names. Even when talking to your toddler, don't use euphemisms when discussing sex. Substituting made-up names for genitals conveys the impression there is something wrong, unmentionable or not quite right about them. Kyman describes an all too common scenario: "When parents teach body parts to their young child, they point and name 'eyes,' nose,' 'mouth,' or 'waist,' and then skip down to the knees, or give the genitals nicknames. This implies something is wrong about the area." Oliver says, "I've had parents say, 'You actually want me to say that Dad puts his penis into Mommy's vagina?' And I answer yes. Kids don't have problems with those terms. Parents do." The value of labeling genitals by their proper names is that if a young child feels comfortable using words like penis and vagina, she'll be more comfortable talking about birth control at the age of 20. She won't be embarrassed to say the word "condom," for instance. She'll also feel free to say the word "no."
11. Add your values. Some parents subscribe to the Dragnet school of sex education: the facts and just the facts. It's easy to answer the "plumbing" questions, as Gordon calls them-what's more difficult is answering the questions that demand judgment calls. Let's take this question, asked by a six year old: "Do you have to be married to have sex?" Dr. Kyman suggests, "Rather than say that people have to be married, which obviously isn't true, you could say, 'It's better when you're married' or 'It feels better when you're in love.' Whenever you talk to your child about sex, you have the right to add your values." After a mother and her seven year-old discussed the question "When will it be OK for me to have sex?" the boy said, "All right, I get it. I could have sex when I'm a teenager, but I shouldn't. You'd like me to wait." As Kyman says, "This shows that the parent answered the child's question honestly and was not afraid to express her own opinion." Kyman sums it up: "You want to give children information now, so that they will be more likely to practice responsible sexual behavior and make what I call life-affirming choices later." Parents' values provide essential guidance," agrees Oliver. "It's important to put conversations about sex in context, and it's also important to affirm the beauty of love and sex." Scotty and I have graduated from the basic ABC's of sex education, but we have a lot of conversations ahead of us. I recently had a preview of the future. As we were leaving a birthday party, Scotty informed me that he had fallen in love and dragged me over to meet the object of his affection. Later he said, "Mommy, I'm really in love. I think there's a word for this." "Yes?" I prompted. "It's called puberty," he said. After a long pause he added, "Whatever that is." Today's child is going to be tomorrow's teenager. And sooner than you think. Linda Lee Small, a freelance writer based in Brooklyn, specializes in family issues

    
    
    
    

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