By: Tom Keller        Fri 20 Sep 91  7:05p
To: ALL
Re: funny stuff
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                          PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES DEFINED
ASSEMBLER:        You shoot yourself in the foot.
 
ADA:              The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot,
                  after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarette.
 
BASIC (interpreted):   You shoot yourself in the foot with a water
                 pistol until your leg is waterlogged and your foot
                 falls off.
 
BASIC (compiled):  You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using
                 a SCUD missle launcher.
 
C++:             You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
                 all in the foot.  Not knowing which feet are real,
                 medical help is impossible.
 
COBOL:           USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH
                 ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PERFORM
                 SQUEEZE.  RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
 
csh:             After searching through the manual until your foot
                 falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
 
dBASE:           You buy a gun.  Bullets are only available from
                 another company, and are promised to work so you
                 buy them.  Then you find out that the next version
                 of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually
                 shoot bullets.
 
FORTRAN:         You shoot your self in each toe, iteratively, until
                 you run out of toes.  You shoot the 6th bullet
                 anyway since no exception processing was anticipated.
 
Modula-2:        You perform a shooting on what might be currently a
                 foot with what might be currently a bullet shot by
                 what might be currently a gun.
 
PASCAL:          Same as Modula-2, except that the bullet is not of
                 the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
 
PL/1:            After consuming all system resources including bullets,
                 the data processing department doubles its size, acquires
                 2 new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
 
Smalltalk, Actor, et. al:  After playing with the graphics for 3
                 weeks the programming manager shoots you in the head.