(An address by the devil to a group of "new recruits")
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All right.  Hello, nice to see you all again.As the more 
perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is
HELL.  And I am the Devil.  Good evening.  But you can 
call me Toby if you like; we try and keep things informal 
here . . . as well as infernal.  That's just a little joke.
Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell 
you is a sort of a long time, so you'll get to know everyone 
pretty well by the end, but for now I'm going to have to 
split you up into groups.  Any questions?  Yes? No, I'm 
afraid we don't have any toilets.  If you'd read your Bible,
you might have seen that it was damnation without relief.  
So if you didn't go before you came, I'm afraid you're not 
going to enjoy yourself.  But then I believe that's the idea.
Right, let's split you up then.  Can you all hear me still?  
(louder)Can you hear me up the rack? Um, murderers over here, 
thank you.  Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you 
could join them, and bank managers. Fornicators, if you could 
step forward.  My God, there are a lot of you.  Could I split 
you up into adulterers and the rest.  Adulterers if you could 
form a line in front of that small guillotine there . . .O.K., 
um . . ., Americans are you here?  Look, I'm sorry about this.
Apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers, and 
damned the entire race in perpetuity.  He sends particular 
condolences to the Mormons, who he realizes put in a lot of 
work.  That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm 
afraid, can't be with us.  Someone's been holding them in 
purgatory for about nine months. Um, . . ., Sodomites?  Over 
there against the wall. Atheists?  Atheists?  Over here, please.  
You must be feeling a ripe bunch of Charlies. Christians?  
Christians? . . . Ah, yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marmite-eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could just take a pew at the 
back, with the Methodists. Now you're the lot who used to kill 
whales, is that right?  Ah, yes, I must remember, I've got some 
strips to tear off you bastards later. Now, everyone who saw 
Monty Python's "Life of Brian."  I'm afraid He can't take a 
joke after all. Alright now, one final thing.  We're trying to 
implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God 
Almighty, or "Cliff," as we know Him.  Some of you will travel 
up and have a decade in heaven, and we're having some angels 
down here.  Now I hardly need tell you that in heaven you will 
be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so I hope you do 
the exact opposite: tear off their wings use their halos for 
frisbee practice, . . .Well I have to go now, unfortunately, 
but Beelzebub will show you the ropes, . . . and the chains, 
. . . and the electrodes, . . .But I'd just like to leave you 
with a favorite joke of mine, if I may. Quite apt to the 
circumstances, I feel.  Which goes something like:        
"Knock, knock."        
"Who's there?"        
"Death."        
"Death wh----"