THE CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A WOMAN


     OCCURENCE:

       Easily found in both the free and combined state.  When in
     the combined state is usually found with a man.

     ATOMIC WEIGHT:

       Reputed to be 120.  Isotopes known to be as high as 200.

     PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

       Comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  May vary in
     appearance on short notice and is seldom found in the pure
     state.  Boils at nothing and freezes at nothing.  Some melt
     while others sublime.  Attracted to crystals with a high
     refractive index.  Surface is usually covered with a film of
     paint or oxide in various colors.  Unpolished specimen turns
     green in the presence of a highly polished one.  All
     varieties melt if used correctly; sometimes catalysts are
     necessary.  Freezing point is lowered with the application
     of ethanol.  Density is not so great as generally supposed.
     Will spontaneously emit bundles of anger with no apparent
     reason.  Although it comes in many shapes, the most desired
     forms measure 36-24-36.

     CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

       Highly explosive and dangerous in unexperienced hands.
     Emits unsuspecting purring sound before detonation.
     Extremely active in the presence of men.  Possess a great
     affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and all precious
     stones.  Has the ability to consume vast quantities of
     expensive food and drink.  May explode spontaneously when
     left alone with a man.  Sometimes yields to pressure.  Fresh
     variety has great magnetic attraction which soon fades due
     to rapid ageing.

     APPLICATIONS:

       Chiefly experimental.  Efficient cleaning agent.  Acts as
     a positive or negative catalyst in the production of fevers.
     Capable of generating noise for several hours without
     recharging.

     UNSOLVED PROBLEMS:

       The thing that mystifies engineers most is the fact that
     the most streamlined specimens offer the most resistance.