Anybody can give away fish at noon but fishermen don't come home then. Giving away uncleaned fish at 10:00 p.m. takes finesse, salesmanship, and foxhole courage.
The objective is obvious, for any fisherman knows reputations are made and kept by giving away dead fish. No neighbor can doubt your ability when the evidence is lying in his sink late at night. These procedures are recommended after many years' observation of advanced practitioners. And even a fisherman who would ordinarily release most of his catch might find he has misjudged and gotten home with too much seafood.
Leaving fish on doorsteps after ringing the bell is the crude approach of a cowardly beginner. Anyone who would do that deserves to keep and clean fish no matter how late and tired he may be. Delivering cleaned fish is simply that--delivering fish--and affords neither challenge nor satisfaction.
The telephone approach can be satisfactory when accomplished briskly but can be applied only to fairly close friends.
Like: "Tell Harry to come right over. I want to show him the darnedest thing he ever saw."
Hang up quick. Your friend must drive right over or be a real heel. For all he knows you have a helicopter in the guest room. Once he's there, hand him the fish and ask what it weighs. Note the strategy. Now he has it in his hands. Do this in the living room where he can't put it down without getting slime on something. Step back quickly and make the presentation speech. If he starts to refuse, look hurt.
The front-door system is for advanced operators, preferably with house-to-house magazine sales experience. Hold the fish behind you and when the mark answers the bell, hand it to him quickly. By the time he sees he's made a mistake in thanking you, you can be nearly back to your car. This works best very late at night when the subject is not thinking too clearly. Use a very friendly grin, perform the operation with dispatch and try to stay downwind from the subject as the fish may be instantly detected if you caught it early that morning.
It is good to remind some recipients that they requested fish the last time they saw you. Many citizens have received a dishpanful of small, uncleaned bluegills while trying to recall when they asked for fish.
There are highly polished responses to be learned by recipients. One successful politician I know accepts all free fish with fawning gratitude. He doesn't care for seafood but has the fastest-growing rosebushes in town.
When ultimate dexterity has been reached an expert fish giver can look forward to all sorts of good things. I know one man who retired from the field after giving a seven-pound mudfish to a used-car salesman at midnight. Of course he has rare talents and once showed 84 snapshots of his children to a stranger in a hotel lobby. I understand he is now a process server in New Jersey.
This story originally appeared in The Part I Remember by Charles Waterman.
Copyright (c) 1974 Charles F. Waterman. All rights reserved.
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