[Sound of applause.] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'm honored to be here with my Annual Report. I think you'll realize that I haven't taken my responsibilities lightly and that the most important items are covered.
Like most years, this one past has been mixed. I believe that triumphs outweigh the tragedies, and, on balance, the report is rather pleasant.
First off, the goose that was born last year with the crippled leg managed to find a mate that appreciated her other qualities and returned to the pond and gave us five beautiful new Canadas.
The whitetail buck that lives in the cedar swamp has matured to a superb 10-pointer. But I'm afraid that his manners have not kept pace. He still leads his herd through 20 acres of standing field corn to get to the backyard vegetable garden, and they have ruined our stand of milk-and-sugar sweet corn, eaten all the lettuce, and generally left the whole patch in shambles.
The great horned owl raised at least three owlets that I could see in the hollow of the sycamore tree, so I suspect that our nightly serenades will continue on through the winter as usual.
Mallard frequent the pond in increasing numbers, and the pair of ospreys were back again this year, but the great blue heron did not return. I suspect the geese chased him off, but that may only be an optimistic speculation.
An investment was made for the future by taking one of the girls, Jennifer, to the Orvis Fly-Fishing School. I expect this to be a high-cost factor for the near future╤a good number of my flies are already missing╤but with any persistence on my part she may learn to tie her own, and we may yet end up with more than our original investment; but, to be honest, that remains another optimistic speculation at the present time.
One or two guns have been traded. One for a pair of fly rods, the other for the basis of upgrading our supply of trap guns. A new trap barrel (32 inches) has been acquired for the old Krieghoff, and we sincerely expect that to show immediate dividends. I realize that the same statement was made last year and proved to be disappointing, but this year is sure to be different.
We are also considering the acquisition of a new Winchester skeet gun, and a new three-inch Remington 1100 on the basis of steel shot being required in our favorite duck and goose locations. The Chairman of the Board is attempting to divert some of this proposed expenditure for a new screen door and a roof gutter over the kitchen window, but I'm confident that matters will be seen in their true measure and the right decisions made in the end. After all, we have lived without a screen door or roof gutter for the past eight years, and I can see no real necessity for their acquisition this close to the shooting season, and causing a major disruption in our carefully thought-out plans.
Three good pipes were lost by driving off with them resting on the top of the car and will have to be replaced. Two pairs of shoes were eaten by Josephine, the new Labrador puppy, and will also have to be replaced. (This expense will be borne by me personally since the Chairman is on record about my leaving my shoes around on the floor where Josephine could get at them.)
Other capital losses were fairly minimal. Small change in the poker game at the gun club, a side bet on the outcome of a shoot-off I was fortunate enough to be in, a box of trout flies dropped in the river and unnoticed at the time, a small side bet on how many salmon I would take on a fishing trip in New Brunswick (the number that won the pool was zero), another small side bet on how many ducks I could take with six shells (the number will remain confidential), and a small side bet on the weight of a largemouth bass I caught in Texas. With the past year still strongly in mind, small side bets in the coming year will be more carefully appraised.
I'm afraid that the shaggy-bark hickory by the pond was struck twice by lightning and will eventually have to be cut down, but the wood will be utilized in the big fireplace, hopefully for grilling venison steaks and surely for comfort while discussing why there is no venison, should that be the case. I should mention here that a black iron kettle to be used in the fireplace for making hot toddies is also under consideration, the health and well-being of my associates being of primary importance.
A canoe paddle and one sneaker were also lost last year in an incident that the Chairman finds unreasonably humorous╤so I will not bore you with further details. She will undoubtedly discuss it at the smallest suggestion, as she has repeatedly all year, complete with grossly exaggerated gestures.
Concurrent with the canoe incident, a decision never again to be without a wading staff while stream fishing has been made. Why these things strike the Chairman as funny escapes me and gives rise to occasional doubts about her true concern for my comfort and safety.
None of our woodcock or grouse covers has been notably depleted. There are substantial reasons for this, which I'll be glad to go into with you on an individual basis. But at the bottom of this is my well-known tendency to offer the easier shots to my gunning companions and my experimentation with variations of the swing-through method of lead. Since I am through experimenting, I expect to be able to project a game dinner or two during the coming season.
That about covers our business of the Annual Report. I expect the ladies are anxious to return to their mending of heavy socks and the dubbing of hunting boots and the men are ready for a refreshment. I had planned to end the meeting with my rendition of the feeding chatter, but it seems that I've left my call in my other coat, along with my scores at trap and skeet.
I trust you will assume their superiority [sound of hisses and boos] and I wish you a season of fine days and close friends to share them. Again, I'm sorry I forgot my call.
[Sounds of hurried scuffling and sighs of relief.]
This story originally appeared in Hill Country by Gene Hill. Copyright 1974-78 Gene A. Hill. All rights reserved.