Illusions: Taking the
Authentic Person
to the Real World

Anyone who has ever set foot in the Transgendered world knows about illusions. In fact, we might consider ourselves as one big illusion moving through life, bumping into the other illusions that are doing the same thing. The Greek philosophers identified this whole process as an agreement among people in a culture such that the color of the leaves on an olive tree would be agreed upon, by everyone in the society, as being green. Similarly, we have, in the 20th Century, globally agreed on many things, nationally agreed on some more, and locally agreed on even more. It is no big challenge to imagine what daily life would be like if we did not have this mutual agreement about the things which make up our world. The agreements run the gamut from the color of an olive tree to reactive stereotyping of one group or another to the current level of threat of nuclear holocaust. Individually, however, we seem to struggle with both the external, social agreement of these illusions and those internal presentations that are from time to time discordant. I am, of course, referring to the mental images we have of ourselves, the ones reflected in our mirrors, and those that we project to our social environs.

When you sit quietly and think of your own self-image, what picture is conjured in your minds eye. Is it of a feminine, svelte, attractive woman, or of a man trying to possess that persona? Is it of a young teenager, full of the p&v of life that was you oh so many years ago, or is it of a twenty or thirty or more year old enjoying life. Is it of a happily married partner in a committed relationship, or of a wild, ribald risk taker. Do you see where this is headed?

Without question, one of the strongest common bonds within the transgendered community is that of a desire to express ourselves freely and openly. To some, this is a driving force and is accomplished with an attitude that holds fast to a "who cares what they think" dictum. For them there is no venue that is sacrosanct. For others, this is sublimated and dealt with through attendance to support groups in ësafeí confines and still others hold back to restrict their attempts at self expression to be exclusive to their home or motel room. None is better or worse than the other, and in reality, none is all too different from the others either. Of course, our concern for personal expression and perception goes deeper than the physical trappings with which we drape ourselves. It goes to our souls and our psyches.

Some months ago, in discussion of the "Authentic Self," I suggested that we seek a balance between our feminine and masculine selves. That sounds a bit schizophrenic and so I want to include clarification as we talk about our illusions. The Authentic Self I spoke of may manifest itself in any number of ways; the key, I think, is for it to manifest in a healthy manner. A manifestation that is born in intrinsic pride, internal reflection and intense personal consideration is the best way to attain this health. I have not yet met a crossdresser, at any level, who has not spent some good amount of time introspecting their personal behavior. In a patripotestal society, leaving behind male vestiges for the female ones, is naturally, deeply emotionally, psychically effective. That is to say, that there is a natural challenge of the head and the heart to the social world. This challenge, in my experience, results in some sort of soul searching, to varying depths and degrees. It is the resolution of this introspection that propels us into the real world. I dare say that there are many issues about which we do this exercise encompassing the whole of our being.

There then comes a point in each transgender personís life where they are faced with a decision, sometimes more potent, sometimes less, to break away from the influences and dictates of their male based world and pursue their heart and soul and express themselves in a feminine manner. It is at this point that the person seeks authenticity and in doing so becomes more whole than ever before. It is at this point, when the person begins to experience life from a self-balanced, peaceful and positive venue. It is also at this point when the person is charged with the task of making real their illusions, or altering the illusions to more accurately fit the reality.

Here is where the challenge really begins for it is here that we find the sting that reality pacts as it smacks us up alongside the head: It just plain hurts. It is the realignment of illusions, or perhaps the replacing them into a file marked ëFantasies,í that allows us to maintain or sense of self as while moving into the real world. For example, the illusion for a transsexual who is 6í and 200 lbs. of passing without question in the day-to-day world is probably better suited for the ëFantasy File.í That is certainly not to say, however, that the six foot tall TS has no business seeking their authentic self and thereby acting on it and living in the world as a woman. Far from it! It is only an illusion to imagine that everyone in their work-a-day world will accept them as a woman when they present like John Lithgow in "Garp." Similarly, the 57 year old TS who dresses like an eighteen year old is setting herself up for a clash between the illusionary and the reality. The TS, regardless of physical dimensions, has the right and the personal obligation to express the inner light, but to do so with the illusion that she will be perceived without question, is folly. Likewise, I believe, the TG who wants to spend blocks of time in the feminine mode must seek to align the real world and the mental image.

Of course, realignment of the narrow perceptions of gender and fashion, of acceptance and tolerance, and of the rights and responsibilities of the world to incorporate the behaviors of alternative lifestyles would be a Herculean task at best. Therefore, the acknowledgment by the former steel worker that she will never look good in a tube dress, at least not in the public eye, is a good deal more befitting the goal of inner-peace and harmony.

The task, then, is to keep the illusions of ourselves as real as possible. The illusions which we deem less real can be saved for those special support group meetings, fantasy balls, and Halloween. The illusions that we hold that are compatible with the real world in which we live, we can cling to and nurture. Remember that my illusions for my world are different from yours in your world. For example, an illusion that manifests itself in the real world with acceptance in San Francisco, or Greenwich Village without reaction, may bomb miserably in Kansas City or Chicago. Any one that makes the grade in Hollywood may have no home in Miami or Seattle. Donít throw out your ill-fitting illusions, just transfer them to a file marked "not here, not now" and save them. You never know when they will come in handy.

As always, I welcome your comments at trnsfxd@ix.netcom.com.