Weathering The World

Dear Friends,

Verbal and Physical Abuse

NOTE: This article is by no means a treatise on, or judgement of those who have been the victims of verbal and/or physical abuse. It is rather, opinion from where I sit and is not to be taken as anything more than that.

In my lectures and other conversations with college students and faculty, and members of the gay, lesbian, and transgendered communities the subject of physical and verbal abuse often arises. I personally know of no specific incidences either involving my immediate social circle, or me where physical abuse occurred. Further, I am not aware of a great deal of verbal abuse in that circle. In fact, I have been the victim of neither physical nor verbal abuse of which I am aware. You might presume, therefore, that this removes me, by lack of experience, from any arena of right to opine about the subject. I do not believe however that this is the case. No, I am not 5' 4" and 120 pounds. Those of you who know me know that I am 6'+ and 200 or so pounds. I contend that my size draws every bit as much attention and it is not a deterrent to abuse. It is rather, I believe my attitude and insight that keeps me from harms way.

Now before you go so far as to think I am taking the defense used often in rape cases that the "woman was asking for it" in some manner by behavior or dress or the like, let me tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Nor would I suggest in any way that Matthew Sheppard got what he deserved. Far from it! Given the need, I would be between a bully and a victim in a New York minute. But there is responsibility that accompanies the rights we express when we go public and part of that responsibility is where we are, how we are dressed, and how we act. If I go into Wal-Mart in four-inch heels and a skirt up to there, should I be surprised of the looks (and maybe the comments) I get? I think not, anymore than I should expect similar comments and looks if I go to the opera in my pajamas. We do need to take responsibility for the reactions.

This naturally leads me to wonder about the difference in personality, presentation, and demeanor of myself and those people around me compared to those individuals who report such incidences of violence.

I have of discussed this disparity with friends and colleagues and can include the following:

I am the exception to rule
I am in denial
Something about the way I present is different
Those people who experience this form of prejudice do something different that I

Those possibilities stated, I would like to suggest the following possible scenarios. Take for example me, as I present in the real world daily. As I said, I am six feet tall and weigh 200 pounds. This affords me both advantages and disadvantages as I navigate my daily live. I always stand out in a crowd. I always attract attention. I figure I have the option of assuming this attention is because I am a) tall or b) because I have been read. Either way, I figure that my reaction to the attention I attract will trigger action by those who have noticed me. I can exchange stares, I can engage in verbal discourse, or I can go about my business unaffected. Perhaps, it is because I choose the latter that I have yet to be the victim of either physical or verbal abuse.

I recently had occasion to meet a self-identified transgender activist. She was dressed for presentation in a skirt and a T-shirt emblazoned with the logo of the local transgender chapter. It was apparent to me that she was angry at discrimination against and overt behavior toward gender-different people. I sat listening to her presentation wondering why she was angry and wondering if her T-shirt didn't create as many problems for her as her attitude. I wanted to ask her, though I didn't have the opportunity, to go to the mall with me. I was interested in getting to know her better and I was interested in seeing how she carries herself in public. I was curious to see if she ever smiled. Remember, last month I questioned whether a smile was a natural component of our crossdressed (or as I like to refer to it, Right-Dressed) outfit.
I submit for your consideration gentle reader that not all activists seek conflict and opposing opinion. However, surely some do. I further submit that while I do not condone, support, or turn my head to either verbal or physical abuse, I cannot in honesty say that it surprises me that some people get victimized.

Victim vs. Survivor Personalities

May I suggest that those individuals who seek radical changes in the status quo be ready for or expect verbal clashes that may lead to physical involvement. May I also suggest that those individuals who have been victims of verbal and physical abuse look at their behavior? Do they walk with their head held high? Do they shuffle their feet? Do they change eye to eye contact with those people they encounter? Do they, in short, exhibit behavior that labels them victims before anyone begins to victimize them? I do not think that activism and survivor personality are mutually exclusive.

Now let's look at how quickly a verbal exchange can escalate into a physical encounter. Imagine if you will a situation that actually happened to me a couple years ago. I was walking out of a major grocery chain in a suburban community after doing my shopping. I was dressed conservatively in clothes I wore to work, namely a skirt and blouse, with a matching blazer. As I exited the store I noticed a group of young people, perhaps 18 to 20 years old, standing by a parked car. I walked by on my way to my own vehicle and was greeted with a wolf whistle and some rather snide remarks. The expected giggles of the girls and guffaws of the boys followed. As I see it, I had a couple of options. I could have continued on my way to the car, I could have exchanged looks and perhaps words with the group, or I could have engaged in some sort of confrontation with them. I know and you know that the confrontation and exchange of words serves no purpose. So I am left, logically, with only one option and that is to continue to my car. I also have the option of reacting internally to what has occurred in two ways. First, I can think that the group saw me and read me and I can feel embarrassed. Or second, I can imagine that they were reacting to having never seen a more attractive and well-put-together tall, statuesque woman before.

I might suggest given the opportunity to go to the mall with the transgender activist I spoke of earlier, that she would have engaged in some sort of conflict or confrontation with the group. Would she then have been surprised to be the "victim" of verbal abuse? Or even, perhaps, physical abuse? Because I have not have the opportunity or occasion I can only guess.

Ask yourself these questions:

Am I proud of who I am?
Do I walk tall?
Am I dressed appropriately for the occasion, the time of day, the area, the crowd?
Am I alone in a situation that no real woman would be in?
Is it important to me to exchange glances, verbal epithets or anything else that might in endanger me?

Next time -- Passing.