Widening the Boundaries: Growing as a Crossdresser

It's been a while since my first shaky steps in coming out. Before actually taking my first steps, I felt that I never would want to go out.

I wasn't aware of a T* community, and feeling alone, had no desire to be out. But then I discovered the internet and became aware of a T* community, and soon began to realize how large it is. I no longer felt alone; and not feeling alone anymore, I began exploring the possibility of 'coming out.' And soon, the first steps were followed by more steps, which in turn, were followed by even more steps. Now I'm out and about every weekend, going to malls, walking around downtown, going to restaurants, and so on. I even went on a cross country airplane ride! The new found freedom and confidence is wonderful.

I've been thinking about my progress, and I see each experience as a 'pushing the boundaries.' Maturity in general is a constant pushing of personal boundaries, whether in sports, education, career, etc. Before I came out, I was, as a crossdresser, confined to a closet: I perceived an absolute boundary confining me, which, as it turned out, is not a boundary; it was a boundary that existed in my mind only. But then I pushed that barrier by stepping outside my apartment's door on a dark and cold Alaska night. No one was around; and no one could see me clearly had they been around. Being outside was a new and exhilarating experience.

Becoming accustomed to a new and wider boundary, I went for a drive down the street late at night, praying my car would not break down. I experienced fresh exhilaration with each drive. More drives followed, venturing farther from home. The familiar 'closet' didn't seem as large as before. It even seemed too familiar, too secure; a kind of transgendered claustrophobia set in if I didn't go outside.

As boundaries grow, experience broadens. Or, as experience broadens, boundaries grow. The chicken/egg dichotomy, if you will. Yet, with familiarity comes comfort. As I became more familiar with being out, I became more comfortable. Then, with comfort comes composure. As I became more comfortable, I felt greater composure. With composure comes confidence. With confidence comes enhanced self-worth. With enhanced self-worth comes enhanced self-efficacy. It's a wonderful, emotionally evolutionary spiral!

As my experience, comfort, composure, confidence grew, I realized that I'm indifferent whether I'm 'read' or not. I feel that as long as people perceive a happy, cheerful, comfortable, confident person, there's little threat to them. As my self-worth and self-efficacy grew, I realized that my sense of happiness and well-being is not determined by what others think. No longer will others' opinions have a detrimental effect. The boundaries are so much more vast than the closet days!