As I felt the end of summer was approaching, I once again felt the urge for a day's outing. During this time though, I had an instant change of attitude that was so sudden and confusing, that I'm still figuring it out. I think I have made sense of most of it, so I'll try to explain it here.

My special friend and TG sister, Christina, was in town for a special visit. I had taken the whole day off to spend as Coreen, and we had arranged to meet up at the Midnight Cafe for a late lunch. We were having a refreshment, talking and philosophizing as usual, when another TG friend, Amanda, happened to stop in as himself. She joined the conversation and was very interesting. She was older than us and had been getting "out" for more years than we had, so she had some wise comments.

We were talking about hair, and I was relieved when she told me that, at 42, if my hair hadn't fallen out by now, it probably wouldn't, and because it wasn't too gray now, it probably wouldn't turn too fast. This made me feel quite good, so I let them carry the conversation while I contemplated this. The two of them got onto the topic of SRS and how one knows if they should have it. I knew Christina had been contemplating these issues in the recent past, as most of us do. I was still day dreaming but suddenly "tuned back in" to them, just as Amanda said "It's just a phase one goes through... ".

I don't even know what she was referring to, exactly, but for some reason, I had an instant sensation! It's very hard to describe... something like "cosmic experience" comes to mind! I suddenly had a new consciousness... a different focus! I felt like a new person. I really don't think WHAT she said was that important... I mean, we've all heard that line before! Nothing too profound about it!

The thing is, that right up to that moment, I had felt TV/TS; that if the circumstance of my marriage and family life changed, I wouldn't hesitate to have the sex change and live full time as a female. Now, all of a sudden, that feeling was gone! On top of that, I felt that in some way, a weight had been lifted from me. I was more relaxed. I was no longer fighting myself, wishing I was Coreen full time... I now felt I WAS Coreen all the time! This new feeling has stayed with since that moment even though I present most of the time as male. I still do spend entire days out as Coreen, but no longer feel it's something I have to do. It's more that I want to... again, a much more relaxed approach.

What's confusing is why it triggered at that moment, or if it really had anything to do with what Amanda said. Was I just simply ready to hear it? Perhaps it was that I was poised to enter a new phase for myself and she just happened to say the "magic word" accidentally. I have since come up with my own term to describe this new state of mind for myself; TG Nirvana!

I think it is important to share this, because it may prove to be another possible option for married (or equivalent) TG's not wanting to give up their current living situation. Don't get me wrong, I still believe the true TS is real, and that SRS can be the only solution for them. We all know that it is how you feel inside that will lead you, no, drive you to your own personal solution. One the other hand, if you are at all not quite sure, you might be able to arrive at this satisfying balance that I was lucky enough to stumble onto!

Granted, I in no way tried to make this happen, but I do believe that all the changes I was driven to make in my life (as far as living a more feminine life), have combined unexpectedly to bring me to this pleasant surprise. For a long time now, I have been growing my finger nails, keeping my toe nails painted, arms epilated, brows tweezed (you "pluck" chickens!), hair quite long and often colored. I have reduced my weight significantly, and have lost some muscle bulk thanks to a new job. With all this, I feel that I have a more feminine figure and body, and that's with me all the time.

Probably more importantly, I changed my attitude. I am very wary now of being drawn in to macho stancing and competitiveness. Those were very hard learned instincts to drop; the difficulty increasing with the number of males in the given group. Countering the macho stancing, I have tried more and more to let my natural female mannerisms flow, which is also hard to do, due to so many years of keeping that guard up. A lot of this has to do with not caring so much of what people think of you, and just being yourself... yet another incredibly strenuous task! The amazing thing is I haven't lost any friends or respect for doing so (though I haven't blatantly told many I am TG). It has mostly been on the contrary... some friends and co- workers are having fun with it! For instance, some of the staff in the machine shop area at work tease me about being the "blonde from Hell" when I dye my hair auburn, but always with a smile on their face, and we still go for a beer from time to time. In other words, it's important that you allow your feminine person to become a real thing.. to exist. Certainly, getting out and about in the world and on the internet, having experiences and being a part of life have allowed Coreen to become a real entity for me... she is a person... me!

I hear many satisfied TG's say they have come to terms with, and accept their male half. They are happy with this 50/50 relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think what I have found is that, for myself, it is possible to feel 100% female without converting the male body. You don't have to avoid such things as typically male work. I don't think it makes you less of a woman! Who says Betsy can't change the oil in her truck? You don't have to be in full makeup or even ANY female clothes to feel your feminine self (OK, I do admit I wear my bra and panties under my coveralls, but I braid my hair for practical reasons).

In addition to all the efforts, I have to say that my wife has played an incredibly important role in all of this. She persevered and stuck with me, even when she didn't want to. In our 18 year marriage, we have gone from "I'll live with you but never want to see it", to myself demanding more freedom with it (and thus taxing the marriage to the brink) to my transgenderness being a non-issue. What's crucial is that she finally realized it was not something that could be stopped, and in fact, trying to restrain it could drive us apart. I have to give her the "Superwoman" award for allowing me the freedom to find the line... my line, as to where I stood in the whole TG picture. The significance of that is that one MUST cross that line, on both sides, in order to find it! How far one crosses it in this search can lead to some pretty scary periods. It's hard to say how long this "phase" will last, in relation to my whole TG journey. One thing I've learned for myself is that I don't stay the same for long in many aspects of my life. That's something I have learned to love! Luckily, however, this new contentment has all the signs of being a permanent thing. I can guarantee that I'm going to enjoy it as long as I possibly can!

Love,

Coreen

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