Reflected not Rejected

Do we reflect on where we've come from the pages that is our journals?

Do we think back to a period when we really thought that we'd never be here?

Does the feeling of elation seem to drain away once your world knows about you, and has accepted you?

Do you feel the need to express yourself verbally, and also write about your experiences so that you can share with others?

Do you realise that the planning, the hopes and dreams never end; and the future is not tomorrow, but today?

Hard questions to answer honestly, but I've been humbled by my own experience, and the reality of living full-time, and what all that entails.

The first three questions I've asked myself, because for me they seemed to compliment each other as I fit some of piece's of my life back together. The fabric hasn't been torn, but a few seams have been scorched pretty bad. And girls let me tell you, it hasn't been a cake walk, but it's the most exciting real period in my life thus far. Seeing where I've come from, it's wonderful, but I knew it all along. Looking back through the pages, it's all learning about myself, and a new relationship with others. The elation factor was so quick that I hardly knew when I felt that way. Nothing seems to have changed very much, but much had changed for others here, and elsewhere in my life. It now came for me to help others accept themselves, while accepting me.

The fourth question seems only answered by doing and being as true to others as you've come to be with your self. Mildren Brown and Chloe Roundsley's book "Trueselves" speaks a galaxy of reality.

Write about what you've seen and experienced along the way, but don't flaunt the issue. Speaking with people helps when it's to help educate the public in general, (I'm not much of a group speaker, too shy, but I commend those who do and can) and others in the community that need assistance

A Jesuit friend of mine, maybe "father confessor", chastised me once for my feeling that I had to continue to "out" myself to others. Only when it's necessary!!! I realised that it was no one's business but mine. Since I'm fairly stealthy, I frankly don't care what people might think, if they even thought at all. I've become a little bit of a bitch at times too, but I'm trying to curb that.

It's been mentioned to me, and it's probably originally from one of those "ivory tower geeks" who already knows it all that, "You need to continue to tell people what you are to let them know that there is a difference, and that those of us who don't, and just go peacefully back into our lives, are still hiding." Maybe I'm stupid, but integrating back into society as a woman where I should have been all along is the right answer. Not hiding, just normalcy. If you're being accepted as your gender by both genders, then this is a non-issue. This is reality. This is what I've learned from conversations with women in my office, and other women friends of mine. Expressing myself when needed. Being accepted by being. No one needs to know that a problem of gender has been corrected. If they did know, chances are they would salute your courage.

The fifth, looking ahead, there is life after surgery. I've met a few people, specifically other women, who didn't have a clue as to what they were going to try to do after their "big exclamation point." Is that all it was to them? A statement. A statement of what. "I did it, now what?" Lord help them if that's all life their has been about. But it's true, some people don't want to think about anything else. Almost like a curtain has come down. Maybe they're not as stable as they've lead others to believe, or themselves. I truly hope that isn't the case. Of course there are some people who have decided that surgery isn't for them, or not necessary. That's fine and good, and it is their life to live as they see fit. But for most, GRS is another important step in the transition process and with what follows. The looking ahead is even more important, because now you're here!

I'm a matter of months from GRS, and in the mean time there are still things to be thinking about and planning. Though both of my parents have told me that they've lost their son, neither one has abandoned me, nor shown me any less love and concern. I guess someday they might come to accept me as their daughter too, but that's for them to come to, not for me to force. My Doctor and I are going to write a book; the draft I've already started on. My little niece of six has meet her Auntie Ana, and she's accepted me. If anything were to happen to her parents, Lord forbid, I'd take her home with me, that's the agreement. Thinking very seriously of changing my profession that of a systems engineer, and taking more time to work in my personal field, Archaeology, and more writing. Recently, I volunteered to help out with retarded children in a clinic nearby, and a good friend of mine and I are writing lovely ballads, and pop tunes we hope to market someday. I will be returning to university next Januaryfor some remedial training. Life goes on, and either as a new woman, or man (you've always been one or the other.) You have the right to live life the best way you can, honestly and openly.

I'd certainly like to meet Mr. Right someday soon, and have a real relationship. I think that women will always want this dream to come true, but as Robert Heinlein said once, in the title to one of his books; "Time Enough For Love" I certainly hope so. But, men in general are still little boys looking for an adventure, a conquest. Be careful ladies when you invite him up for a night-cap!

The Doing and Being started when I returned to the doctors a few years ago, (that's when I transitioned) and shortly after that I came across the TG Forum, and Cindy Martin. Over the last couple of years I've written a number of articles about my journey, and observations that hopefully others read, and gave them some food for thought. I feel that by writing what I've shared with the TG Forum, and other publications here in the U.S. and in the U.K., I can do my part to help the Transgendered Community as a whole. For all those who have written me after reading those articles, and thanked me for what I've written, I thank you from the core of my heart. Someone wrote a few weeks ago after reading the article "No Conditions, No Concerns, A Friends' A Friend" that they were very happy that I'm here showing them the way along the path. I'm just a follower too, in the bolder foot-steps of those that have come before me. It's easier now, and maybe it'll be even easier and more acceptable in the years to come. Maybe I'm helping with that segment.

Those questions that started this article, have been answered along the way, and continue to be thought about and answered each and every day by many people. Each time that I see myself reflected in the mirror in my bedroom, I know that the ghosts are gone, the chaos is gone, and revealed in the eyes is a real sense of peace, and self-worth. As you chart the course and tack on the journey that is your life, your experiences are reflected in the makeup that is your soul.

My apology if I bored anyone with reflecting.